How much worry is normal for young adult daughter walking home?

[StaplesCorner]

My eldest DD20 at uni in a large-ish city. She often uses the library etc and ends up walking home after dark - at the moment that's not hard is it as its dark around 5.30/6pm. This evening she was much later I've been sick with worry since about 9.30 she said she was leaving and its only a 30 minute walk home. I finally messaged her again and got a reply that she's home about 10 minutes ago. Phew.

Thing is though, why am I "sick with worry" - I could feel the awful adrenaline feeling in my stomach and even now I know she's home, I can still feel it almost like a hangover effect. Just having a cup of tea to calm down. I text her every morning and evening to make sure she's ok - is this too much? Its definitely got worse since recent events with well publicised murders. But I'm still thinking is it ok to feel like this or am I too anxious? I asked a friend whose DD same age is also at uni and she thought I was mad. Will I still feel like this if she's living alone and working away in a few years time, or even when she's married?!

I should just clarify I don't think I worry more than anyone else about her health or her grades or housing etc., its just specifically the walking home thing that really pushes my buttons.

@Clymene

When my children leave home, I won't expect them to want to speak to me more than once a week.

I find this incredibly sad.

I have a MH issue and also worry a lot about my DCs’ safety. I work on this to minimise the negative impact of my MH on my DC.

What you’re doing isn’t acceptable. It’s detrimental to your DD. And doesn’t make her any safer!

Also detrimental to yourself (your mental health won’t be helped by these behaviours).

Suggest doing more to address your health and wellbeing.

A speech by a US lecturer to parents talked about the problems for young adults with parents unhelpfully doing (lesser) things like this: including texting and pressure on adult DC to ‘checking in’. Making it harder for the adult DC to transition to adulthood.

It’s not a ‘non issue’ at all.

OP wanting her DD to avoid walking in the dark and to notify her when she arrives home after doing so doesn’t show that her DD ‘is precious to her’. At best it shows that OP is frightened, which could make her DD fearful. At worst, controlling.

it doesn't make her any safer that's the crux isn't it.

Good post Loopytiles

YANBU it's a mother's job to worry about their children. It's hard when they are out I the world and we can't protect them

It's not a mothers job to put the fear of god into her 'child' though. To make her feel like she shouldn't be out of the house at six o' clock at night because the world is a scary place. I've got an eighteen year old daughter and I want her to do things and go places and generally enjoy herself. I don't want her thinking she could be murdered at any moment.

I'm assuming that the OP has taken actual useful steps to help her daughter stay safe. Talked to her daughter about being aware of her surroundings and also has taken her to self defence classes.

We barely speak to our DDs usually once twice a week at max. Sometimes messages but they are getting on with uni life.

Surely at that age she is going out to bars and clubs and walking home drunk? Therefore much more dangerous but as a parent you can't spend your life worrying about her.

@whiteworldgettingwhiter

When I went to Uni 30 years ago there were no mobiles. We had one phone per 30 people in our Uni hall ... I spoke to my parents once a week.

People don't know how lucky they are today!

I don't know about that, is it lucky to be monitored all the time, always contactable, liable to be filmed at any moment and put on social media? I feel very lucky to have not had any of that as a younger person

@Lolingokay

I don't think you're unreasonable at all OP. Strange how some are saying you're going to 'ruin your relationship' with her by simply wanting to know when she's back - or the idea that her simply texting you is going to make her less independent. Surely this indicates a caring, close mother daughter relationship. The reality of the matter is that risk increases a lot at night, the later at night it is and when you're a young woman. Combine all those factors together and it's not great she's staying out late and you're right to be concerned.

"It's not great she's staying out late and you're right tk be concerned". WTAF? Who needs men to control us when we can do it to ourselves!

[quote xxxsuper]@Clymene

When my children leave home, I won't expect them to want to speak to me more than once a week.

I find this incredibly sad.

[/quote]
I don’t agree. Think it’s sad that you need to speak to them more. They have a life to live.

And as for the OP that’s off the scale
nuts. People wonder why we have some many people with massive anxiety issues.

If our dds need us they’ll call we don’t need to speak to them every day. But they also walked to school from 8 and didn’t have mobile phones till 13. (They’re 19/21 currently.)

I know it must feel like people are piling on @StaplesCorner but I too had an overanxious mother and stopped telling her stuff. I got into a horrible mess with my mental health. When I hit crisis, it was my aunt (mum's sister) I told. My mum has been dead 10 years and she died thinking things were going well for me. I had a psych admission 6 weeks later.
My aunt is younger than my mum was and my cousins are more than a decade younger than me. She speaks to them weekly, did at uni and all over the world. She speaks to me maybe fortnightly. I am well now, mostly, with my mental health. I could definitely have handled things better with my mum. But her dependence on my being OK was a big part of the almost tragedy of my 20s and has taken a decade to put right. My aunt doesn't get everything right. I know she worries - she talks to me about it. Not my cousins.
Strangely, as a professionally successful 40yo woman I wish my mum could have seen this side of me. I like to think she'd have been proud. I love(d) her a great deal and I am sure your daughter loves you, too. But I don't think from what I'm seeing here that my cautionary tale is all that rare.

@whiteworldgettingwhiter

When I went to Uni 30 years ago there were no mobiles. We had one phone per 30 people in our Uni hall ... I spoke to my parents once a week.

People don't know how lucky they are today!

or unlucky because it allows them to worry too much

last term I used to look at my son's whatsapp "last seen" to check he was ok, but I have stopped this term. Therein madness lies.

I know it's a bit different for girls but you can't expect them to let you know they are safely home every night when away at university, it's not realistic.

@somewhereovertherain

We barely speak to our DDs usually once twice a week at max. Sometimes messages but they are getting on with uni life.

Same here with ds.

I would have found this level of contact and concern stifling when I was at uni. I'm glad I didn't have a mobile phone! I'd ring once a week and email sometimes too.

Not sure if this helps but when I was 20 I would walk home alone at 3am through a large town, and I know my friends all did the same. My Mum wouldn't have even known I was out. We would chat on phone once per week (1990s so landline). As she's an adult I think she will be fine. She is more likely to learn how to be safe if she knows she doesn't have a parent watching her every move. I'm not sure it's healthy to know where your adult child is at all times. Sorry if that's harsh.

Let it go... This sounds very unhealthy for you and for your daughter. She is a grown adult and can do what she likes.

By constantly checking up in her you are not allowing her to develop and constraining her. When will you stop checking up on her? When she is 25? 35? Happily married with children? Ever? Will you ever give up control?

You need to recast your relationship on an adult to adult basis - yes have regular contact but let her live her own life.

Think about the impact of your neediness on her - she will feel constrained and having to always worry about her mother and cant live her life as she would want and develop as a person.

(From my perspective I was at uni 25 years ago or so just as mobiles were coming in and saw the impact on my friends - one of whom had to text/call her parents every night or they would call her which really impacted on her enjoyment. It became a bit of a joke - she was always expecting 'the call' and so couldnt settle and also had to think of stories to satisy her parents so that they wouldnt worry. She still did all the same clubbing/boozing/staying out late but was always expecting a call which meant she was on edge).

In contrast my parents were lucky if I called them once a week and due to my father's fears of the cost of calling mobiles their calls to me were very rare. I felt secure and able to live my new life at university without having to constantly think about life at home.

I don’t agree. Think it’s sad that you need to speak to them more. They have a life to live.

Oh it's not a need. It's a want. My adult DC are out there living their lives perfectly fine, I am part of their lives though.

@xxxsuper

I don’t agree. Think it’s sad that you need to speak to them more. They have a life to live.

Oh it's not a need. It's a want. My adult DC are out there living their lives perfectly fine, I am part of their lives though.

Just this! My 20s DCs are all at work and library this morning and we’ve all had numerous chats via WhatsApp about wordle, weekend plans, the weather and the Ukraine, with side chats from one dc to me about hiding Laurie Lee leaning DS’ passport. It’s very likely non of them will see each other not I them til Easter. We’re a chatty family 💁🏻‍♀️ It does mean that if someone slumps or needs support we notice.

So many insightful comments on here. It's made me realise that I too spent a lot of my younger years sugar coating what I told my parents, which meant that when I did have a problem, or things weren't going well for me, I never felt I could confide in them and feel supported. I knew they would panic, stress, worry, rather than being calm and rational.

Put simply, when a parent's natural worry for their child (which we all have) crosses the line to become the child's burden, it's wrong and potentially very damaging. I had to work hard to not do what the OP is doing with her dd, because the blueprint I got from my parents was that I ought to be excessively anxious, checking up all the time. It actually felt a little like I wasn't caring enough if I didn't parent like I'd been parented. It's tough, but the right and respectful (and actually loving) thing to do as a parent is to enable your child to grow into an independent adult.

As for the amount of phone calls and texts per week- daily texts are not a measure of parental love. What a weird idea. I text one of my adult kids pretty much daily and the other would probably go mad if I bombarded them like that! Daily, weekly, whatever- it doesn't matter, that's about the natural pattern you've fallen into with your adult children. What matters is that it doesn't become a duty, overlain with feeling responsible for another adult's anxiety

Put it back on her. Ask her. Tell her you don’t want to be over bearing. She may not mind the contact if it is normal for you.

However I think the anxiety level for you is a lot and needs dealing with. I have a lot of anxiety and it’s a daily job to heal. You deserve to live without anxiety.

I text her every morning and evening to make sure she's ok - is this too much?

Far too much! If she's busy or doesn't see the messages, having fun etc it's just going to worry you. She has a right to live her life. Worrying won't make her safer.

The worrying is normal OP, but you need to keep it to yourself.
My Dad is like this. I have always refused his requests to call when I arrive at destinations.
I only tell him positive things about our lives, or he will go into an anxious spiral which involves him calling hourly with questions.
I have a teenager and it is worrying when he is later back than normal, and I might text offering him a lift, but I wouldn't want to project my anxiety onto him.
Independence is important and part of growing up.

My mum really worries about me having an accident while driving on the motorway (she was in a huge crash years ago and now won't drive on the motorway at all.) I have given her access to my phone tracker. It doesn't stop her worrying but it means she can see when I'm home. It also means she doesn't text/call to see whether I'm safe and also I don't feel obliged to text her to reassure her. It's much easier all round. I'm not worried about the invasion of privacy aspect because I could always turn off the tracker temporarily if I didn't want her to know where I was going. I can't see why I would do that but the option is there.

@sodastreamer

So many insightful comments on here. It's made me realise that I too spent a lot of my younger years sugar coating what I told my parents, which meant that when I did have a problem, or things weren't going well for me, I never felt I could confide in them and feel supported. I knew they would panic, stress, worry, rather than being calm and rational.

Put simply, when a parent's natural worry for their child (which we all have) crosses the line to become the child's burden, it's wrong and potentially very damaging. I had to work hard to not do what the OP is doing with her dd, because the blueprint I got from my parents was that I ought to be excessively anxious, checking up all the time. It actually felt a little like I wasn't caring enough if I didn't parent like I'd been parented. It's tough, but the right and respectful (and actually loving) thing to do as a parent is to enable your child to grow into an independent adult.

As for the amount of phone calls and texts per week- daily texts are not a measure of parental love. What a weird idea. I text one of my adult kids pretty much daily and the other would probably go mad if I bombarded them like that! Daily, weekly, whatever- it doesn't matter, that's about the natural pattern you've fallen into with your adult children. What matters is that it doesn't become a duty, overlain with feeling responsible for another adult's anxiety

Fantastic post and highlights the need to interact as individuals with our children, most especially when they become adults.