How much worry is normal for young adult daughter walking home?

[StaplesCorner]

My eldest DD20 at uni in a large-ish city. She often uses the library etc and ends up walking home after dark - at the moment that's not hard is it as its dark around 5.30/6pm. This evening she was much later I've been sick with worry since about 9.30 she said she was leaving and its only a 30 minute walk home. I finally messaged her again and got a reply that she's home about 10 minutes ago. Phew.

Thing is though, why am I "sick with worry" - I could feel the awful adrenaline feeling in my stomach and even now I know she's home, I can still feel it almost like a hangover effect. Just having a cup of tea to calm down. I text her every morning and evening to make sure she's ok - is this too much? Its definitely got worse since recent events with well publicised murders. But I'm still thinking is it ok to feel like this or am I too anxious? I asked a friend whose DD same age is also at uni and she thought I was mad. Will I still feel like this if she's living alone and working away in a few years time, or even when she's married?!

I should just clarify I don't think I worry more than anyone else about her health or her grades or housing etc., its just specifically the walking home thing that really pushes my buttons.

A friend at work was working on her day off this week, and when I asked her why, she went on a big rant about how her mother makes her text her every time she sets off and comes back, and is generally anxious about her freedom, it was grating on her massively, and so she was working overtime to avoid her.

Really interesting thread. My DC are much younger but I’m a bit of a worrier and will have to be conscious of not making my worries their responsibility. When I left home I moved to a large city. DP never put any pressure on me to check in. We called frequently but there was never a request to let them know I was home save with the exception of when I was returning via train to city having visited them I’d give them a ring to say I was back okay. I would have HATED it is they expected me to check in with them daily and let them know I was in for the night. I’d have felt really anxious myself about the impending need to make contact and clock watching when out. I had developed a great social life in the city too and think I would have just lied to them if expected to report my return home every night. I wasn’t always home early enough and shock horror sometimes stayed with bf which I wouldn’t want them knowing about either. Luckily DP didn’t make any such requests of me. I do think it’s sniffling and even this sharing phone locations is as well. Why should a parent have the right to know exactly where their adult child is?

OP I doubt anyone will say you are wrong to worry. Parents worry and I doubt it ever stops but you can’t share that level of worry with your DC it’s unfair to them. You aren’t even talking about late nights it’s 9:30 after the library then messaging her when she’s not text by 10. She could have met a friend on the way home for coffee - should she stop and say to her friend “sorry need to call my mum”. Can’t you see that’s restricting her? Please get help for level of anxiety. If you know you’ve spoke to your DD about how she can keep herself save when out and maybe done a self defence course with her…then really there is nothing else you can do. If you keep requesting texts every morning and night she’ll get fed up. Much better to keep communication ad hoc rather than prescriptive.

Do you never go out after 5/6pm yourself? If not that’s quite sad. It’s early there are sensible measures that can keep you save without needing to be locked inside before darkness falls.

I don't think it ever ends to be honest.

For the people against it - I don't know think they were probably just raised differently so it feels odd. When you're in a family who do keep in touch daily, it's your norm.

I guess the balance is not transferring your anxiety. Just be mindful not to start going on and on about how worried you were, how you couldn't sleep, how you haven't been able to calm down all morning etc because then it feels too much. Those are your feelings to deal with, not your DD's.

It's just a matter of saying - I just like to know your safe because if something happened I'd want to be able to get to you as quickly as possible.

You can keep in touch without it being overbearing. It's striking the balance.

@Kinko as many of us have said, it's not about the daily contact as such, because if that's the norm between this adult child and her mum then that's no problem. It's the fact the OP has turned the contact into a responsibility on her dd, which is all about alleviating the OPs fears.

Also, there shouldn't be a concept of a 'family norm' when we're talking about adults. Like I said, one of my adult dc texts daily with me- usually memes, random comments - it's just how we roll and nothing to do with feeling they ought to. My other adult dc would find this degree of messaging really irritating! We usually keep in contact about once a week, but again, it's not a fixed thing because it's not tied up with duty. I do think some people mistakenly measure the strength of a relationship by the quantity and frequency of messages which is quite odd really. I absolutely love (and worry about!) my Adult dc equally, but I treat them as individuals.

Who else on this thread doubts that the OP's daughter is staying safely in her room every night after letting her mum know she is home from the library 'late' at 9 or 10pm?

My 19-year-old DD and her friends tend to go out at 9 or 10 or 11pm and get home at 5 or 6 in the morning. It is normal for students these days.

Maybe the OP's DD is not a party creature, but there is a strong chance that she is out doing stuff the OP does not know about, and probably would prefer not to know because her anxiety would go through the roof.

OP, take a step back. Daily contact with your DD is fine if both you and she are happy with that, but you say "I text her every morning and evening to make sure she's ok " - the checking up part is not OK. Your anxiety is your problem, don't make it hers.

I think you are totally OTT
we all worry to some extent,but this is verging on controlling

Would never do this with my DC

Way too much - what happened to the normal routine of a once a week phone call? We all survived that way. She is an adult, & so you have no right to know where she is at any time - & the reality is that she will just stop telling you.
What about when she walks back from a club at 2 or 3am?!

I was at university during the Jurassic era when there were landlines as well as mobiles. My mum would call me on my landline to check I was home and if I didn't answer, text me to find out where I was. I paid to have my landline redirected to my mobile, pretended to be home and any background noise was "the radio".

Bollocks is she always at the library or home!

Daily contact if that's your dynamic is one thing but making her responsible for your anxiety about an adult walking somewhere at 5/6pm is going to damage your relationship. I would be astonished if she isn't already lying to you to keep you happy

Thinking about it some more - if it was the DD's boyfriend behaving like the OP, most would say red flag, controlling, abusive so why do we think it's ok for a mother?

When I was at uni no one had mobile phones and, from age 18, my parents never had any idea where I was or what I was doing (or with whom 😉). If I wanted to talk to them I had to queue at a phone box which I did every week or two. Not having to constantly explain yourself to parents is an important part of becoming an adult.

It’s lovely that you guys are able to communicate every day, but it’s also stressing you out. Also, it isn’t healthy for her to feel obliged to message you the second she gets home/ keep you updated if she stops to chat to a friend or pops to shop in way home.

I’d suggest you both rethink what you’re doing at the moment. If she wants to phone you with her departure and arrival time, then she can, but it doesn’t make her any safer unless you really would call the police and ask them to look for her x minutes later if she goes silent. (I expect they’d refuse to do anything unless she’d been missing 24 hrs too). Bit awkward if her phone battery goes flat or she has no reception too.

Anyway to answer your question it’s normal to get stressed out in that situation but it’s also normal to steo back at this age and it definitely isn’t normal to have such constant oversight of her.

My DD is abroad at uni. The buses stop to her area early evening and it's hard to get taxis at night. I know she walks back twice a week around 10pm after clubs, but also she is known to walk back on her own any time between midnight and 5pm. 40 min walk and she's petite. I don't like it, but I can't stop her.

Well. That escalated, as they say.

Obvs with any Mumsnet thread you have to sift the wheat from the chaff. I was reading some of this open mouthed, there is certainly a lot of chaff ... I asked if I was wrong, and posters got very excited at the chance to tell me I was way more wrong than I could have ever imagined, but mostly about some things I've never done or said in my OP - but hey, let's not let any facts get in the way of a good stoning!

I'd asked if I was worrying too much. Apparently that's really the least of my evil worries. I'm abusive and controlling. I'm a liar and I never go out after 5pm, quite a sad person who's locked inside, I need to see a doctor, clearly ruined DD's life - and that's only the ones that come to mind.

I think I invited a good kicking; nothing more delicious than being able to criticise someone else's parenting - however, I've read some of the more reasoned answers and they are really interesting so I'm going to reflect on that and see what I can change (although its unlikely what with me being off my deluded trolley with all the power crazed controlling and whatnot).

BTW, you know what I did after reading all this? I asked DD what she had for tea.

When I was young (obviously before mobile phones or internet) I went traveling more than once with the only contact with parents being the odd postcard I sent, which obviously arrived a week or so later when we had moved on. There was no plan, just improvising and traveling as the mood took us.

I am eternally grateful that my Mum never indicated to me (or my siblings) that she was no doubt concerned about the 'what ifs' and no doubt worried about us the whole time any of us were away. I wish she were still with us to be able to thank her for that. It meant I went away with confidence and no 'burden' of taking on board her worries.
I have given my adult dc the same consideration. You have to give your children skills, awareness and confidence.
Of course you will still worry, but it isn't fair of parents to limit their dc and put their own anxieties on to their dc.

Honestly I’m similar. You can’t have the, completely justified, furious outrage we see on the feminist posts on here regarding the(lack of) womens’ safety, the ridiculously high incidence of sexual assault and the deeply ingrained cultural issues in the metropolitan police and not be terrified for the young women in our lives.

I try not to smother or inconvenience my daughters out of respect for them, but I really wish they could live out their lives in a bubble where men could only come within 100 yards following an explicit invitation.

@StaplesCorner calm down, your latest post is quite bonkers

Carry on messaging your dd several times a day if it's what you both enjoy and you want to know what she's had for tea, just don't do it because of your own extreme anxiety about her walking home from the library at 7pm.

BTW, you know what I did after reading all this? I asked DD what she had for tea.

I would never want to know this nor would I tell someone. I think I see this type of conversation as a waste of my time and theirs.

But I don't really like meaningless chat. I just get bored.

It takes all sorts.

Oh, an OP who argues that the majority of posts (YABUs) are wrong, and driven by negative motivations.

I would never want to know this nor would I tell someone. I think I see this type of conversation as a waste of my time and theirs.
Me neither.Maybe if someone had been to a restaurant I'd ask them.

It's what Barbara Royale asks Denise and Dave every night.

I don't know quite why you are being so arsey OP. You've asked whether the level of surveillance you have is normal and people are telling you what they think. However, you are thrilled with relationship that you have with your daughter and you think it's fine and dandy so I don't see the point really.

MN is heaving with people who admit they have problem anxiety, never mind the ones who don't. No way can you ask a "how fearful are you" question here and get an answer that reflects wider society., or "normal".

I didn't think OP was U to ask, though.
I have a 20yo DD living in central London & never worry about her night time travels. I could make a long list of alternative things (about her) that would give me cause to worry before I cared about her walking places at night.

Op you do what’s right for you and your dd. I don’t think you sound controlling or abusive at all just a worried mum and in light of recent events who wouldn’t be. I’m an anxious person, trying my best to resolve it but it’s not easy.

Yes too much, mine live away and I have no idea what time they get in. Dd1 worries me more because she's skinny and not very assertive whereas dd2 is quite different, rugby player

I don't know quite why you are being so arsey OP. You've asked whether the level of surveillance you have is normal and people are telling you what they think. However, you are thrilled with relationship that you have with your daughter and you think it's fine and dandy so I don't see the point really.

This