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Original poster

What would you do if a lonely person kept visiting you everyday?

116 replies

IcyWinterWonderland · 13/02/2022 21:33

Hi everyone
This is a situation which I am facing. I was wondering how other people would handle it.
I completely understand how it feels to be lonely and I understand loneliness is one of the worst feelings. I have been desperately lonely during times in my life with no one to talk to.

A very lonely person I know has taken to visiting me either everyday or every other day invited and unexpected, and it is getting really annoying. I am really not sure what to do.

I feel like a horrible person for telling him to go away. He also lives on the same street as me which makes it easy for him to just pop by. I live in a shared house and my housemates know him as one of my friends, so sometimes they just let him in to wait for me. When I come home, I sometimes see him standing in the kitchen. After a long day of work and studying, I just feel really irritated to see him in my kitchen when I come home. I am ashamed to say this, but I have tried to ignore him when he comes to the door, but he just keeps knocking.

To be honest, I am getting really annoyed with him visiting me. I don't really want him visiting me at all anymore because he has overstepped the mark into becoming annoying. I know that if I tell him to go away, he will become lonelier and it will make things even worse for him.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

OP posts:
StartingGrid · 13/02/2022 21:35

You don't owe him your time, his loneliness is not your responsibility, I'd certainly draw your boundaries. You sound very kind, don't let that be taken advantage of

MartinMartinMarti · 13/02/2022 21:39

Assuming I liked him, just not every day, I’d tell him that you’re very busy and it’s best to set a date in advance. I’d then be regularly busy when he got in touch and suggest a meeting in a week or so.

I’d make sure my housemates knew I didn’t want him let in.

PO is right - you don’t owe him so much of your time. Ideally you’d be kind and polite to him, but not at your own expense.

Riverlee · 13/02/2022 21:41

You need to have a chat with your flat mates and explain the situation. Explain how you don’t want him let in if you’re not there.

His life isn’t your responsibility.

Maybe you need to be frank and say/ask him not to come around so frequently. Say that you have stuff to do at home and haven’t got time to keep entertaining him. Encourage him to join local clubs, social groups etc. to meet people. Maybe if he does knock, be proactive and say you’ll meet him at the cafe next Thursday, and you’ll see him then. Ie. Take control of the situation, and not make your flat as the default meeting place.

LizzieSiddal · 13/02/2022 21:42

You don’t owe him anything, it is hard but you need to be ho set with him.
I’d text him and tell him you are extremely busy and ask him not to come round. Then tell all your housemates not to let him in as he’s crossed a line and isn’t listening to you.

Sn0tnose · 13/02/2022 21:42

The next time he pops round, or you find him sitting in your kitchen, say hello and tell him that it’s not a good time, you’ve had a long day and you just want a hot bath and an early night, so you’ll catch up with him next week (if you’re willing). You are not responsible for him.

Nadjahomesoil · 13/02/2022 21:43

Tell your housemates to stop letting him in.

Failing that move to a different house share and don't tell him where you're moving to.

Is he the same age as you?

gingerhills · 13/02/2022 21:52

I agree. Set boundaries you can cope with. If you actually like him, then organise to meet up with him for coffee once a week. If you just feel sorry for him then maybe steer him in the direction of somewhere that might suit him. But you must be very clear: 'Sorry I can't stop and chat now.' Or open the door and say, 'Hi, how are you? I'm busy right now, so can't stop.'

As others have said, there is a difference between being kind and being a doormat. Bear in mind, he has zero sensitivity to your needs, which could be why he's lonely. What is he bringing to the friendship?

I used to be far softer about stuff like this until I realised the people I felt sorry for were totally indifferent to my needs. It can be a bit like inviting in Colin Robinson from What We Do In The Shadows.

LottyD32 · 13/02/2022 21:53

Can you introduce him to someone else?

TooWicked · 13/02/2022 21:55

This is a man who is choosing to intrude into your life, and I don’t believe for a second that he hasn’t picked up on the fact that he’s not always welcome.

He knows you’re finding his intrusion annoying and invasive, he just doesn’t care. Which probably goes some way to explaining why he’s lonely.

Tell your housemates in no uncertain terms to stop letting him in.

Practice answering the door and saying “I’m busy today, I’ll call in on you when it’s convenient for me, bye” and shutting the door, that is, if you want to continue some kind of relationship with him.

Please ignore the suggestion that it’s on you to move house in order to get rid of this man ffs Hmm.

waterrat · 13/02/2022 22:04

Please stop this now op this man is completely crossing your boundaries.

Tell your flatrmates this man makes you uncomfortable and they have to send him away. Secondly tell him you are busy and can he make a plan in advance.

This man's life is not yours to solve. If he is lonely there are many ways he could meet new people. He needs to respect peopls boundaries fir starters. You can't seriously do this for the rest of your life can you ?

Riverlee · 13/02/2022 22:05

Just a thought, if, sorry, when you do set up boundaries, if he continues to visit. Then start recording details. It then moves into the harassment (and even stalking ) category. Actually, I sense it’s moved into the harassment stage already.

Wordlewords78 · 13/02/2022 22:07

I am actually in this situation at the moment but I am older than you by the sound of it op.

I think you need to handle it by being clear in your own mind how often, if at all, you want to see this bloke. And then take back control by setting the boundaries yourself. I think the kindest thing is perhaps to talk to him gently and say you have a busy life and a lot of study and if you want to still see him, confine it to drinks once a week or something. Say you haven't time for spontaneous visits as your schedule is pretty full. If he ignores this and is waiting for you, then as a pp says, tell him you are too busy as you have just come home to change and you have to study or go out. Unfortunately, in my experience, you have to be pretty explicit as these sorts of people don't take a hint, which is why they are lonely in the first place.

One other thing, are you sure he isn't confused about the nature of your relationship and is secretly hoping for more than friendship? If there is even a minor possibility of this, then you have to be very clear indeed that it's a no go.

Don't leave it to your flatmates op. It's up to you to take control of this. Good luck.

Flickflak · 13/02/2022 22:38

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Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

MMMarmite · 13/02/2022 22:47

You need to set boundaries - and that could be not seeing him at all. Or any frequency you're happy with! Tell your housemates not to let him in on your behalf.

It's nice to be nice, but on the other hand you're not a one-woman support service for lonely men.

Maybe look up local activities or befriending services to suggest to him?

Whatwouldscullydo · 13/02/2022 22:50

I garuntee you he knows what he's doing.

If he has all that free time he could join any number of clubs etc rather than continue to harass someone who clearly doesn't want him there. I'd put money on him only coming to u because his previous marks told him.to fuck off.

You owe him nothing. You aren't his wife mother or carer. He's not your responsibility

Original poster
IcyWinterWonderland · 14/02/2022 08:59

So I have told all of my housemates not to let him in anymore. If he comes round again, I will just say I am busy and that he is not to come around so often

OP posts:
Original poster
IcyWinterWonderland · 20/02/2022 22:22

Just an update
I told him via text a few days ago not to come around without an invite. This evening he invited himself to my house again. I ignored him when he came to the door. He knocked for a while too. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Macademiamum · 20/02/2022 22:25

Call 101 for advice on harassment and stalking
Call women's aid

titchy · 20/02/2022 22:34

Next time open the door and say 'Dave I have told you not to keep calling round unless I specifically invite you. Go home now.' And shut the door. If he persists then one text to tell
him not to contact you again and if he does so you will call the police.

BringBackThinEyebrows · 20/02/2022 23:04

How old is he and how old are you? Do you have anything in common besides living in the same area? It sounds like he's taking advantage of you and your kindness.

You've done the right thing stating in writing that he can't invite himself round. Have your housemates agreed not to let him in?

waltzingparrot · 20/02/2022 23:27

Could you tell him that due to your study schedule, the only night you can see him is Wednesdays. Make him dinner and enjoy catching up on each others news.

DarkChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 23:34

I dont think you really want any contact now do you?

Especially as you nicely asked him not to drop by without an invite and he blatantly did!

You done well ignoring him no matter how long he knocks for and mabye also ignore any txts etc now.

As others have said if you feel unsafe etc have a low threshold for taking this further as it is NOT ok to impose yourself on someone like this ... hope you are ok xx

Cyclemarine · 20/02/2022 23:40

I think you’ve did all the right things. It’s the only way he will get the hint and eventually stop coming around. He knew you didn’t want him to come around without a text beforehand and by him doing that he was quietly disrespecting you, testing your boundaries and in effect insisting that he was going to see you anyway. So it’s good you didn’t open the door at all.

MarbleQueen · 21/02/2022 00:36

This isn’t normal. Don’t be alone with him.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 21/02/2022 05:40

Sorry but what age is he?
I think there's a difference between him being say 18 - 48 - 68 and 78.

Keep ignoring the door knocking and remind your housemates to not leave him in.

Does he not work or something?

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