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Original poster

What would you do if a lonely person kept visiting you everyday?

116 replies

IcyWinterWonderland · 13/02/2022 21:33

Hi everyone
This is a situation which I am facing. I was wondering how other people would handle it.
I completely understand how it feels to be lonely and I understand loneliness is one of the worst feelings. I have been desperately lonely during times in my life with no one to talk to.

A very lonely person I know has taken to visiting me either everyday or every other day invited and unexpected, and it is getting really annoying. I am really not sure what to do.

I feel like a horrible person for telling him to go away. He also lives on the same street as me which makes it easy for him to just pop by. I live in a shared house and my housemates know him as one of my friends, so sometimes they just let him in to wait for me. When I come home, I sometimes see him standing in the kitchen. After a long day of work and studying, I just feel really irritated to see him in my kitchen when I come home. I am ashamed to say this, but I have tried to ignore him when he comes to the door, but he just keeps knocking.

To be honest, I am getting really annoyed with him visiting me. I don't really want him visiting me at all anymore because he has overstepped the mark into becoming annoying. I know that if I tell him to go away, he will become lonelier and it will make things even worse for him.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

OP posts:

NewtoHolland · 21/02/2022 08:06

What frequency would work for you, if any? Would a weekly or fortnightly visit or phonecall work? Or are you looking to cut contact completely?

balalake · 21/02/2022 08:08

I think you do need to cut off all contact. I think you also need to ensure those you share a house with are aware of this, so they turn him away.

Seek advice if that does not work.

Crucible · 21/02/2022 08:14

There is nothing right about this OP. Is this man older than you? I would speak to the Police, and make it clear to your housemates that this is upsetting you - people can find this 'funny' when it's not them.

phizog · 21/02/2022 08:16

@IcyWinterWonderland

Just an update I told him via text a few days ago not to come around without an invite. This evening he invited himself to my house again. I ignored him when he came to the door. He knocked for a while too. Any advice would be appreciated.

He's moved into harassment territory now. Please take this seriously.

Be firm and find your anger. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you do not appreciate him showing up without arranging a time. And from now on you do not want him coming to your house at all. If he keeps doing this, you will contact the police. I personally would cut all contact with him as he'd be causing me too much anxiety and my friends don't make me feel that way. Also this kind of intensity and breaking of boundaries would scare me.

Why on earth do you think it's your job to help out the lonely people in the world?? You offer friendship only, and friendship means they reciprocate by respecting your boundaries. People who don't do this are not friends.

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 21/02/2022 08:16

How old is he?

It’s not cool that he thinks his needs and wants are more important than yours

He is overstepping your boundaries, and you are letting him

EmmaH2022 · 21/02/2022 08:17

@balalake

I think you do need to cut off all contact. I think you also need to ensure those you share a house with are aware of this, so they turn him away.

Seek advice if that does not work.

This.

Tell him you will contact the police.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/02/2022 08:28

I'd contact one of these organisations and see if someone could pop in and check on him (if he is actually lonely and not stalking you):
www.countryliving.com/uk/wellbeing/a30526876/loneliness-support/

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/02/2022 08:35

I'd keep a diary OP from the time you told him not to come round and if it continues I would go to the police. You did well to ignore him, continue to do so and don't be alone with him. Make sure no one else in your house let's him in either.

Dibbydoos · 21/02/2022 08:37

Talk to him....

Bubbles1st · 21/02/2022 08:37

If he is your friend and in normal circumstances you would enjoy his company why not make a reoccurring plan with him of when you will see him. Like once a week he can pop in and once a month you'll got for a drink/lunch.

So he feels like you want to spend quality time with him. Then encourage him to seek support elsewhere.

Depending where you live Andy's Man club is a new Monday night session for men to get together and speak about their mental health, sounds like he would benefit and make new friends in a similar situation possibly

IntermittentParps · 21/02/2022 08:42

@Bubbles1st

So he feels like you want to spend quality time with him. Then encourage him to seek support elsewhere.

It depends what your relationship with him actually is –is he someone you want as a friend but you just don't want to be doorstepped? or is he someone you don't really want to spend time with?

If you do want him as a friend, I'd maybe try the above, so it's on your terms.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 21/02/2022 08:43

You don't owe him your company. You've been welcoming, you've tried to compromise and he doesn't care about how you feel or what amount of interaction is comfortable for you. At this point I would be honest with him and tell him that because he has ignored you and carried on coming over all the time he has crossed a line and you don't want him to come near you again and if he does try to come into your home again, you will report him for harassment.

If he had agreed to come over when arranged or even just dialed it down a bit, this wouldn't have happened. He needs to listen and respect it when people say no.

moocow123456 · 21/02/2022 08:43

Oh no 🙈.

Did he reply to your message asking him not to just turn up?

Don't mean this in a nasty way - but is he the full shilling?

I think you've done the right thing. One

moocow123456 · 21/02/2022 08:44

I would keep ignoring him when he turns up unannounced. I think you are going to have to ditch him completely at some point.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/02/2022 08:45

@Dibbydoos

Talk to him....

Do NOT talk to him. You have already said not to come over and he did. There's nothing to talk about.

Original poster

IcyWinterWonderland · 21/02/2022 09:57

@JemimaTiggywinkle

I would stop seeing him at all (and definitely not alone) - this really is starting to sound like stalking. Does he have some kind of mental impairment or is he deliberately ignoring your request?

Are you students? Just wondering with the shared house and living on the same street. If so, might be worth contacting university if it escalates.
What did he say when you asked him not to come round with an invitation?

Yes, we are both students. When I told him not to come around without an invitation, he didn't reply. I got the feeling he was in a huff. I thought that would be the end of it. I don't think he has a mental impairment. He is a bit strange to be honest. I think the reason he ignored my request is because he is desperate for company.

OP posts:

muckandnettles · 21/02/2022 10:50

You've been so kind to this person, OP, but you need to be careful now with him. As you say, he is a 'bit strange' and you have been very tolerant of him so far. Enough is enough though - you need to spell it out to him again by text and then ignore him. You don't have to make any excuses to him about study time or whatever because then he will resent any time he sees you do anything else. Do you see him at college / uni at all?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/02/2022 10:52

If he's a student there are lots of clubs he can join.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/02/2022 10:57

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Dibbydoos
Talk to him....
Do NOT talk to him. You have already said not to come over and he did. There's nothing to talk about.“

This.

Inthesameboatatmo · 21/02/2022 11:03

How old is he ? Keep a record of all interactions. Texts and such. Keep conversations recorded on your phone . He's a stalker.

Inthesameboatatmo · 21/02/2022 11:08

Sorry just read latest update. Op he is staking you. This isn't some 90 year old lonely widower. You absolutely must keep this all logged and find your fury. How do you know he's not watching every move you make. I'd he doesn't take the hint aemr the police round to have a word qith him.

Inthesameboatatmo · 21/02/2022 11:09

Jesus sorry for the typo's ffs.

Lockheart · 21/02/2022 11:11

As you're both students OP I'd speak to someone at the pastoral team of your college / university. If you're not sure someone at the Student Union should be able to direct him.

They'll be able to support you as well as him. He's not your responsibility and his behaviour is inappropriate, even if it's not coming from a malicious place.

Lockheart · 21/02/2022 11:11

direct you, not him!

JemimaTiggywinkle · 21/02/2022 11:20

Agree with others, you’ve done enough keeping him company, you have nothing to feel guilty about and it’s time to keep to your boundaries. You’ve tried gently reducing the time you spend with him and it’s not worked so your only option really is to cut all contact before it gets worse.

Definitely tell your housemates what’s going on so they don’t let him in or tell him where you are.

There are lots of societies etc he could join, and you not seeing him anymore might be the push he needs to join one - but it’s not actually your problem. (I’m definitely not suggesting you should find or help find one for him to join!).

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