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Original poster

What would you do if a lonely person kept visiting you everyday?

116 replies

IcyWinterWonderland · 13/02/2022 21:33

Hi everyone
This is a situation which I am facing. I was wondering how other people would handle it.
I completely understand how it feels to be lonely and I understand loneliness is one of the worst feelings. I have been desperately lonely during times in my life with no one to talk to.

A very lonely person I know has taken to visiting me either everyday or every other day invited and unexpected, and it is getting really annoying. I am really not sure what to do.

I feel like a horrible person for telling him to go away. He also lives on the same street as me which makes it easy for him to just pop by. I live in a shared house and my housemates know him as one of my friends, so sometimes they just let him in to wait for me. When I come home, I sometimes see him standing in the kitchen. After a long day of work and studying, I just feel really irritated to see him in my kitchen when I come home. I am ashamed to say this, but I have tried to ignore him when he comes to the door, but he just keeps knocking.

To be honest, I am getting really annoyed with him visiting me. I don't really want him visiting me at all anymore because he has overstepped the mark into becoming annoying. I know that if I tell him to go away, he will become lonelier and it will make things even worse for him.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 21/02/2022 11:58

the reason he ignored my request is because he is desperate for company.

I'm sorry but I do agree with PP that in thinking like this you are minimising the situation. He is taking advantage of your kind nature to trample on your boundaries.

He thinks he can ignore your message taking back control of your boundaries snd carry on with what he wants.

He tries to persuade you that he is desperate for company (or any other message that will work for him) rather than that he thinks he might have identified someone who will let him have control

Do not let him do this. Dig deep and find your righteous anger that he is not respecting your wishes to not spend your precious time on him.

Absolutely keep a diary from when you clearly said you do not want to see him. Do not engage further. Take the diary to the local police if he continues.

It's been decades since my student days, when I and all my friends had this sort of nuisance to deal with. Now, I would have given all of them much shorter shrift and wasted much less of my time.

Don't be waylaid by ideas of being kind to lonely people. Keep your time for people you value and who value you in return, not people to try to ride roughshod over your boundaries.

MMMarmite · 21/02/2022 12:35

I would be refusing all contact at this point. He has now deliberately ignored your clearly-stated boundary. No friendship can grow from such a situation. It raises the possibility that he will take over other boundaries too.

If he continues to come round, you may need to report him.

MMMarmite · 21/02/2022 12:38

Also if you'd like to be kind to lonely people, there are plenty of nice ones! A befriending charity would be a way to do that within a safe support structure.

Don't waste your lovely kindness and generosity on this man who doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

maddy68 · 21/02/2022 12:43

When he visits. Say you are busy for the next few days so feel free to pop round on Friday after or something

billy1966 · 21/02/2022 13:24

@MMMarmite

If he continues to come round, you may need to report him.

This.

Stop being kind, he has exploited that.

Ring 101 and ask for advice and report.

You gave him a clear instruction not to call and he did.

You owe him nothing.
He is not a friend.
This is harassment now.

phizog · 21/02/2022 13:26

He is a bit strange to be honest. I think the reason he ignored my request is because he is desperate for company.

No, it's because he knows he can manipulate and guilt trip you into doing what he wants. I bet he'd never dare to try it with a man. Predators can sense weakness and know how to exploit it. You're not at uni to become a charity worker for lonely, odd men who can't understand 'NO'. This is exactly the sort of bloke who would make you feel guilty for refusing sex, by going off in a huff.

Tell him to fuck off. You'll feel quite empowered and it's a skill that will come in handy throughout your life.

TheSuperbOwl · 21/02/2022 14:05

"Could you tell him that due to your study schedule, the only night you can see him is Wednesdays. Make him dinner and enjoy catching up on each others news."

No. No. No. Absolutely do NOT do this.

MarbleQueen · 21/02/2022 14:31

Op stop assuming he’s lonely. That assumption is making you and other posters feel sorry for him. Maybe your housemates are also feeling sorry for him also.You’ve got posters here telling you to encourage him to join clubs and perhaps agree to see him once a week. Do not do that.

He’s a standard weirdo. He’s got no boundaries and you should be very alarmed he showed up after being told not to.

This needs dealing with firmly, posters here can help you send a text.

2bazookas · 21/02/2022 14:40

First, you need to tell the housemates " on no account let him in when I'm not here, to wait for me. ".

Then you tell him " Bob, I'm so busy I just don;t have time for so many visits from you. It's too much . Once week suits me best, and we;ll arrange it by text."

KStockHERO · 21/02/2022 14:44

How's it going, OP? Has he re-appeared?

2bazookas · 21/02/2022 14:48

@IcyWinterWonderland

Just an update I told him via text a few days ago not to come around without an invite. This evening he invited himself to my house again. I ignored him when he came to the door. He knocked for a while too. Any advice would be appreciated.

Text him again.

" Bob, if you pester me again I will call the police. Don't come here again".

Libertybear80 · 21/02/2022 14:53

Has he got a big crush on you or something?

Some people just take massive liberties though. We took in a friend of my daughters for a few nights. Except it wasn't and every day there was a different excuse as to why he couldn't leave. He's basically been staying rent free for a few weeks now. I've now had to get rude to get my point across. Some people are just cheeky fuckers and being polite doesn't work!

Chocolateis1ofyour5aday · 21/02/2022 14:54

He's not a friend, he's a stalker with no boundaries. Now you've told him (but hes ignored it) keep a diary of contact and call 101.

PaperTulip · 21/02/2022 14:54

Unpopular opinion but some people, like this guy, are most likely lonely for a reason. His behaviour clearly makes others uncomfortable so clearly that's why he doesn't have close friends in his life. I have a lovely extroverted friend who has the tendency to be overly welcoming to everyone. She would happily chat to strangers who DM her on Instagram or meet them irl if they have vague mutual contacts via work. As a result she keeps getting weird "stalker" types in her life who stress her out after a while and are hard to get rid of. She's very lucky that nothing more serious has happened through all those "friendships". A lot these men may fixate on someone for a while and then move on.

The best option is to go zero contact and block their number. You could tell a white lie, and fake having a burnout or mental health crisis, or say you need to leave town for a few weeks because of a family emergency. Then never instigate contact again. These are believable reasons why people do disappear for a while and easier to bring across than the fact he's just being fucking creepy.

IntermittentParps · 21/02/2022 14:56

You could tell a white lie, and fake having a burnout or mental health crisis, or say you need to leave town for a few weeks because of a family emergency. Then never instigate contact again. These are believable reasons why people do disappear for a while and easier to bring across than the fact he's just being fucking creepy.
There is really no reason to make things up.

Mrsjayy · 21/02/2022 15:01

He isn't lonely he is at the very worst stalking you he isn't your friend you don't owe him any of your time he hasn't listened to you or even bothered to apologise for disturbing you, I think you need to cut him off but keep a note of harassment and even report him to the police if you have to.

caringcarer · 21/02/2022 15:03

If he arrives tell him you are just on your way out, about to go in bath, have a headache and having an early night etc but will meet him for coffee next week Thursday at 6 or whenever suits you. If you offer a meet up do it away from your house. Tell house mates not to let anyone in to wait for you.

Greattimestroubledtimes · 21/02/2022 15:07

I remember a very similar situation at college, and while it might be a stalker it may also be someone who is out of their depth socially and just can't read the situation. It's a big adjustment to be away from home and not everyone knows how to cope with it well.

Absolutely the best advice here is to contact pastoral support at college/uni and get some help from them.

Libertybear80 · 21/02/2022 15:09

@Greattimestroubledtimes but he just lives on her street. I don't think the pastoral team and going to get involved with that tbh!

Greattimestroubledtimes · 21/02/2022 15:13

@Libertybear80 He's a student though.

And my suspicion - although not wanting to diagnose on the basis of a short thread - is that they may not be neurotypical and so may need some support/guidance. And even if not, they may just need some help.

Lockheart · 21/02/2022 15:14

[quote Libertybear80]@Greattimestroubledtimes but he just lives on her street. I don't think the pastoral team and going to get involved with that tbh![/quote]
If there's a problem between students absolutely the pastoral team should get involved. They will be able to support OP and also have a talk with the person bothering her. If he is truly lonely then they will be able to support him too, it's their job to help students who are struggling for whatever reason.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 21/02/2022 15:23

I don’t know if he’s stalking you OP, I wouldn’t think so tbh. But he is unwanted and you have asked him not to call unannounced so he is bothering you.

In my exp, he will have done this to other people before you and will latch on to someone else too. He doesn’t understand social situations.

As difficult as it be is, the only way to get rid of him is to ignore him and treat him rudely.

Is there a local community/church group who could call to him? Or a student org. who could help him?

But really you will need to be quite rude to him to put a stop to it.

FinallyHere · 21/02/2022 15:54

may also be someone who is out of their depth socially and just can't read the situation.

How much reading does it need, to be told don't visit uninvited and turn up anyway?

Yeah, right.

Libertybear80 · 21/02/2022 16:11

The op doesn't say where this guy is a student. I'm sorry but I'm a lecturer and have personal students. This is a matter for the police not the pastoral team!

Sledgingdown · 21/02/2022 16:12

I feel sorry for him tbh. As far as he was concerned he had a close friend, who suddenly went to completely not having anything to do with him, without him having done anything different.

I can understand your frustration OP, I really can. But this person may have no idea that he’s unwelcome and will probably be really confused and upset, so I don’t think you can treat him as a full on stalker just yet.

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