Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

What would you do if a lonely person kept visiting you everyday?

116 replies

IcyWinterWonderland · 13/02/2022 21:33

Hi everyone
This is a situation which I am facing. I was wondering how other people would handle it.
I completely understand how it feels to be lonely and I understand loneliness is one of the worst feelings. I have been desperately lonely during times in my life with no one to talk to.

A very lonely person I know has taken to visiting me either everyday or every other day invited and unexpected, and it is getting really annoying. I am really not sure what to do.

I feel like a horrible person for telling him to go away. He also lives on the same street as me which makes it easy for him to just pop by. I live in a shared house and my housemates know him as one of my friends, so sometimes they just let him in to wait for me. When I come home, I sometimes see him standing in the kitchen. After a long day of work and studying, I just feel really irritated to see him in my kitchen when I come home. I am ashamed to say this, but I have tried to ignore him when he comes to the door, but he just keeps knocking.

To be honest, I am getting really annoyed with him visiting me. I don't really want him visiting me at all anymore because he has overstepped the mark into becoming annoying. I know that if I tell him to go away, he will become lonelier and it will make things even worse for him.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

OP posts:

Joystir59 · 21/02/2022 05:53

He's ignored your instruction not to come when invited. Stop all contact. If he persists in coming and knocking at your door uninvited contact the police. Ignore him. Ignore him. Ignore him. He is not your friend. No reasonable person keeps turning up uninvited to someone's house. His loneliness is not your problem.

WeaverofWords · 21/02/2022 05:59

He’s persistent, isn’t he? Well done on ignoring it. If it’s in keeping with the time frame, I would be inclined to follow with a text - “please do not contact me unless it is on Wednesdays/once a week/spontaneously” repeating your boundary cos he’s not hearing it.

Next step after that: “as discussed in my previous text, please do not contact me AND REPEAT”

After that, contact the police. They will have a word with him.

I’ve been in this similar situation twice. The second time I had to say:

“I need a great deal of space from this friendship.

We are at different stages of our lives. You are xxxxx, I have a career, children and a house to run.” Plus reasons of why it wasn’t working for me.

That person then came back a couple of times with more of their problems & eventually I blocked them. They still follow me on social media but I had to cut right back & do not reply to them.

It may sound harsh & extreme but people who cross my boundaries have no place in my life!

illyawasthebest · 21/02/2022 06:19

This is harassment and stalking territory OP. Please take it seriously.

No more contact at all - none.

illyawasthebest · 21/02/2022 06:19

@Macademiamum

Call 101 for advice on harassment and stalking Call women's aid

And this in particular.

Chocaholic9 · 21/02/2022 06:27

I had a neighbour like this. He turned into a stalker and I had to go to the police. It isn't normal for someone to show up after you've told them not to.

TidyDancer · 21/02/2022 06:40

What's the background to this? How do you know him, do you know why he's so lonely and how old are you both? Unless it's someone who has gone through some sort of traumatic situation or is struggling for a specific reason, I'd find this quite hard to be nice about I think. If it's an elderly person, there may be places they could be signposted to a bit easier than if it's someone younger.

Sorry you're being out through this OP. Regardless of the reasons for this situation developing, it's not okay that you're having to deal with something you're uncomfortable with.

TidyDancer · 21/02/2022 06:41

*put through

(give us an edit button MN!)

Justilou1 · 21/02/2022 06:43

You need to stop minimizing his behaviour and your own reaction to it. I was in the same situation (with a flatmates) when I was at university. Unfortunately, bad things happened. You need to validate your own intuition here. He has been grooming you and his behaviour is escalating. Playing victim and making women feel sorry for them is how these people establish which women are more likely to be more vulnerable to their manipulation and eventual physical/sexual/emotional abuse. You have shown him that you put his need for immediate gratification (access to you and controlling the narrative - talking about himself, undoubtedly….) ahead of your own needs. This is exactly what he wants. Someone who will “feel bad/guilty” for hurting his feelings by rejecting him “when he was only trying to be nice”….. His behaviour is not normal and it is not okay. He is attempting to coerce a “relationship” with you whether you want one or not. In other words, he is stalking and harassing you. He has already chosen to ignore your very clearly expressed boundaries. I think you need to stop minimizing his behaviour as “lonliness” and start calling it “Stalking & Harrassment”. You should even consider contacting the police and doing a “Clare’s Law” search on this man, as his behavior is escalating. He may have done this before and that may very well be the reason for his lonliness.

SockFluffInTheBath · 21/02/2022 07:03

@waltzingparrot

Could you tell him that due to your study schedule, the only night you can see him is Wednesdays. Make him dinner and enjoy catching up on each others news.

Are you serious? And you’re not the only person to suggest ‘only’ one night in together. Just no to this, it needs to be a clean break.

MsWalterMitty · 21/02/2022 07:08

Is his name Jim?

Joystir59 · 21/02/2022 07:15

Do not placate him by offering 'one night a week'. Stop contact. Stop placating him. Let him and his loneliness go. Not your problem. He is not your friend. I guarantee he wants something sexual from you and us making you feel sorry for him as a way in.

WeaverofWords · 21/02/2022 07:23

Actually, OP I’ve re-read your post & didn’t clock that you do not want his friendship any
more. I think, like these other posters, that you need to stop contact properly. Tell your housemates not to let him into your home, and don’t answer the door. Call the police if he persists. They do take this behaviour seriously.

Legodout · 21/02/2022 07:28

Send him a text saying "Dave, I made it clear on the x of February that I did not welcome unannounced visits. You called at the house last night. You are not accepting my boundaries and this now feels like harrassment. Please do not call around uninvited again."

The word 'harrasment' hints of your next steps. If he calls around again, you then tell him you will report him to police.

GeneLovesJezebel · 21/02/2022 07:29

Absolutely do not answer the door. And I’d bar him on the phone too.

Anniegetyourgun76 · 21/02/2022 07:32

OP this has moved onto harassment now, you've set clear boundaries and he has already tried to ignore them. I wouldn't agree to continue meeting with him at all Tbh and you need to be clear in that. No 'I'm too busy I can only see you on Wednesdays or once a week' etc, you should send him a text (so it's in writing) telling him his unannounced visits, even after being asked not to, are making you feel uncomfortable and you'd rather discontinue the friendship. Honestly do not care about hurting his feelings, it won't, and he has zero respect for yours, he's not a friend.

Bagelsandbrie · 21/02/2022 07:37

If you’ve told him not to come round and he keeps coming you should report him to the police for harassment.

Skyeheather · 21/02/2022 07:38

If this man was genuinely lonely and just looking for company he wouldn't mind who answered the door, you or your flatmates, he'd be happy to have a cup of tea with any of you.

It's you he's interested in and it sounds like he's become obsessed with you. I would cut off all contact, tell him to leave you alone or you'll call the police. I would start keeping a diary of every time he calls to show them that he's harassing you.

gingerhills · 21/02/2022 07:43

Completely ignore.

If that doesn;t work you have to be absolutely blunt. I had a woman I barely knew who I had an extremely vague work connection to. She kept turning up at my door, ranting insanely about how she had been treated by this boss, that boss (clearly she was the issue) and no amount of 'sorry I'm in the middle of bathing my children/cooking dinner/in a Zoom meeting would stop her.

In the end when she turned up, I said: I don;t know you. You seem so angry with the world for how it treats you but zero interest in how you treat others. You turn up and scream at me, even when I am busy with the children or minutes from starting a work call. If you don;t give a damn about my needs and feelings, why should I give a damn about yours?

She never called again. People like this play 'poor little victim' but are as selfish as Trump.

ThatsNotMyGolem · 21/02/2022 07:43

The reason why he's "lonely" is very clear.

There's a woman like that at a group I go to. Utterly self-centred, takes advantage of people's goodwill. She has a busy local mother of young kids running around after her, and is constantly posting whiny pleas for company in the group chat. My MIL is the same age as her, and also on her own. The difference is astounding, because MIL thinks about others and thus has a flourishing social life and great, equal friendships.

People need to take a long hard look at themselves.

ThatsNotMyGolem · 21/02/2022 07:45

@waltzingparrot

Could you tell him that due to your study schedule, the only night you can see him is Wednesdays. Make him dinner and enjoy catching up on each others news.

Are you for real? Is this something you personally would actually do?

Make him dinner??

StrawberrySanta · 21/02/2022 07:47

@MsWalterMitty

Is his name Jim?

De88 · 21/02/2022 07:49

Keep repeating what you have already told him (I think you're been clear enough!) and being unavailable when he does just turn up. If he's hanging around and you bump into him, make it clear you're busy "WITH MY FRIENDS" to emphasise he is not one of them.

If you just tell him you're busy he'll always hope for a time when you're not, because that's the reason you won't see him, right?

If you just don't want to see him full stop you will have to be blunt. He WILL get the message but it sounds like you need to persist as much as he does.

And if it does continue you probably will have to take it further ie police. Agree it's totally totally abnormal. Hope you're OK.

StrawberrySanta · 21/02/2022 07:52

I think you've told him once and hes not respected that, it's time to cut ties with him fully, maybe even contact the police for advice on how to handle him

JemimaTiggywinkle · 21/02/2022 07:53

I would stop seeing him at all (and definitely not alone) - this really is starting to sound like stalking.
Does he have some kind of mental impairment or is he deliberately ignoring your request?

Are you students? Just wondering with the shared house and living on the same street. If so, might be worth contacting university if it escalates.
What did he say when you asked him not to come round with an invitation?

PriamFarrl · 21/02/2022 07:55

I notice that at no point do you refer to him as a friend. That says a lot.

It’s hard to be firm as it’s not in the nature of many of us to completely reject someone like this.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5