What easy things are you just shit at?

[coastergirl]

It's ridiculous. I'm a 37 year old woman. I have 2 kids, a job I love. I function reasonably well!

I cannot butter bread. I make a complete mess of it. Holes in the bread etc. I can't blame it on hard butter because I use marg.

I'm ill and bored. Please make me feel better by telling me the "easy" things you're shit at.

Making small talk. Covid has seemingly made it worse, now I've been unleashed on the public anew. My mouth will start before my brain has realised the danger, and I say things that just don't make sense, or are plain wrong.
Recent example - neighbour says "hi, nice to meet you, we've lived here since my daughter was born and she's now 40". Said daughter suddenly appears, and I say, "oh hi, you must be 40".
Everytime it happens, I click that vague, uncomfortable look in the recipient's eye, conversation will tail off, and I scuttle away berating my malfunctioning executive skills.

I'm also terrible at small talk. I see other mums doing it all the time at the school gates...I often wonder what are the actual words coming out of their mouth?! I'd rather tell you my life story and all my problems and hear about yours too!!

@foxlover47

Cooking rice , unless it's boil in the bag it's always ended up inedible :(

@foxlover47 I had this problem. My husband taught me a trick, fool proof... 1 mug of rice in the pan, two mugs of boiling water from the kettle. Put the lid on and leave to simmer for 20 minutes or so. Perfect every time.

24 hour clocks

Boiling eggs

Basic multiplication (or any other type of maths for that matter)

Lipstick

Hairstyles

keeping house plants alive.

This! My green fingered mother with stunning back and front gardens and a house FULL of them despairs of me I can't even keep a cactus alive! She's even watched me watering etc and can't understand why they still die!

Dying within 3 months tops if I look after them.

3 months! Mine don't last 3 days!

Poaching eggs

This too. I've tried ALL the tricks...nope! The only thing I can do close to ok is microwave poaching which isn't real poaching

Make scones that rise too

Again, tried all the tricks and tips to no avail

Eyeliner

Yep! Can't do it so they match! One will be thick and winged the other will be thin and wingless

Dd meanwhile is like a flipping MUA! She can do all the contouring etc and do weird and wonderful things with eyeliner she can even do halloween shit! How? I never taught her

@PlanetNormal you are not the only one. I am a "wordy" person but my penmanship is shite if I write for more than 5 mins at a time. How the fuck my examiners read my exam essays I do not know! You know that scene in friends when joey writes his name on the board and he's not paying attention so it drifts down the way and then the underline goes THROUGH his name? That's my writing at the end of a 2 hour exam! After 3 it's illegible I swear fuck knows how I passed a-levels and 2 degrees the poor examiners must be experts in deciphering terrible handwriting!! I write stuff then go back to it even just a few hours later and I'm like "I don't even know what the train of thought was there AT ALL"

Re onion chopping - 3 words

Frozen diced onion!

@RosesAndHellebores

I can't put a bin liner in a bin properly - any bin.
It just sort of "poufs" inwards and traps air. I have seen bins with bin liners that looks great and tidy and not full of air. Please can some kind person tell me how to do it? I have even worked in hotels and kitchens and I still can't do it properly.

Open bin bag fully

Hold bin bag by handles in left hand

Use right hand to "squeeze" bin bag narrow again

Thread into bin

Turn top of bin bag over the top edge of the bin, secure by slipknotting one handle into the other

Make hand into fist and push into bin bag until you reach bottom of bin gently and withdraw hand

Bin is now ready to use, the bag won't fall into the bin, stuff won't miss the bag and be in the bin but not the bag etc

Sounds long winded but honestly takes a few secs to do - you wanna know how to deal with bins? Ask someone with ocd!!

Also when you then need to remove the bin bag simply untie the handles, loop around wrist as you do so and bin bag should usually lift out easily without spillage. I then place on top of bin or a suitable surface, tie it in what I call a twist knot (twist the top of the bag in one piece and knot it in on itself) ready to go out. That way you're not touching icky stuff!

I recently read a thread on here about poaching eggs and most of the advice goes against my methods, but they are perfect every time! 🤷‍♀️

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Eating spaghetti with a fork and spoon where they do the twirly thing into the spoon bit...makes no sense!!!

I can't do this either. My mum and sister can do it but mine just used to fall back on the plate.

Not once remembered which of the 2 buttons on my car key is “unlock “ and which one “lock”. Every time try to think of a way to remember which is which without just guessing (symbols have worn off).

Poaching eggs:

Bring water to boil in pan. Add 2/3 drops malt vinegar. Break egg onto cup. Add egg to pan. Allow water to bubble up and froth. Simmer for about 2 mins or until white is cooked (doesn't look wobbly). Remove with slotted spoon rest on kitchen paper for a second or two. Pop onto buttered toast. Can't do it with more than two eggs tbf.

@TulipVictory oh wow , thank you for sharing this with me I am going to try it out this weekend :) wish me luck

Zumba

@graphista - about the bin bags - thank you so very much, I have a gazillion bins to change at the local church and village hall tomorrow and I have written down your method

Nooooo. Don’t add vinegar. Unless you enjoy eggs that taste of vinegar. Salted water is sufficient.

Winking - cannot shut one eye! Also tying knots in balloons! I'll probably think of more shortly!

Remembering where I have hidden Christmas presents
Snacks
Etc
Get well soon
This post has cheered me up!

@coastergirl see I know the theory. But that pan of boiling water goes off the boil when you put cold eggs in it. So do you time the 6 minutes from when it starts bubbling again or when you put the egg in? Sometimes it takes ages to be boiling again. Also everyone disagrees on the time. BBC food says 4-5 minutes for soft boiled. Other recipes say 7!

Delia's method is 1 minute boiling then switch off and leave in the pan for 6 minutes. Like I said this worked once and only once for me.

Does it make a difference how many eggs you put in at once? Like so many other things on this thread, I don't understand it - I can cook and bake most other things competently. The expression "can't even boil an egg" infuriates me!

@foxlover47

Cooking rice , unless it's boil in the bag it's always ended up inedible :(

I brought a rice cooker;I'm not even ashamed.I also can't cook rice so I let this miracle appliance do it for me.

@foxlover47 do come back and let me know how it goes 😊

Poached eggs!
I had to make loads as I do breakfasts in a hotel.

You need really fresh eggs! If your eggs aren't fresh, scramble them instead!

Poaching:
Get water in pan almost boiling and add a dash of vinegar.
The idea is to try and keep the egg together and not let it go all "stringy", so stir the boiling water round and round in the pan, and place your raw egg in the "vortex" and it will stay nicely together. After 2 minutes lift it our gently.
Place on toasted roll with fresh spinach, grated cheese and cherry tomatoes on top and impress yourself!

@MrsSkylerWhite

Nooooo. Don’t add vinegar. Unless you enjoy eggs that taste of vinegar. Salted water is sufficient.

I agree with @RosesAndHellebores a couple of drops of vinegar stops poached eggs spreading, and you cannot taste it at all.

However, I think the point with all these things is it doesn't help when someone who CAN do it tries to explain how easy it is to someone who CAN'T. If people are frustrated by not being able to do something they have almost certainly googled and found loads of 'foolproof' suggestions, none of which have worked for them.

See my post above about boiled eggs. Also rice, the whole "just put a mug of rice in a pan with two of water and boil" thing someone always always says... this always leads to rice stuck to the bottom of my pan. Hence why I bought and recommend a microwave rice cooker.

@TulipVictory I will def let you know :)
Thank you x

Zips - I always manage to get them jammed if I can even get them to do up to start with.

Plaits/braids - can do a basic 3 strand plait but that's it.

I can cook perfect eggs in each and every way though and have a brilliant sense of direction

@thenewduchessoflapland I have often thought I should get one :) I'm
Going to try the method from @TulipVictory first :)

But I can taste it!
I’d much rather have a few stringy bits that don’t taste like vinegar. I can’t stand vinegar: in case you hadn’t guessed

Throwing and catching! Useless.