AIBU: tired of nagging my partner about the engagement ring

[MiamiBeach104]

We've been together over 5 years now. I've proposed, before the weekend trip that I have organized and paid for (nothing too fancy but spent money on nice places to eat, drinks, bit of sightseeing). That was in July last year. I was expecting he will get me a ring before Christmas but it didn't happen. We decided to make a wedding just for the two of us (didn't want to spend money on the party, family isdues and looking to ttc as well). I found the place, paid the deposit, booked photographer, bought my dress. Again no expense and very little effort from him so far. Just before Christmas he said let's buy ring in the New Year which makes sense for better discounts. Again I had to nag him to go to the shops and see the ring with me. All this time I knew he had a full set of wedding rings (engagement and 2 bands). I don't particularly care they were not bought for me but I told him that I'm aware you have them so why we don't just use that for ourselves. He said if only I'm happy with it. After seeing and trying rings on I wanted what he has already so I just thought it would be a waste of nice and expensive jewelry he has already.

However, I'm pissed off in all this process he made very little effort. I told him how important the ring is to me and still have to nag him. He did send the local jewelry shop link but I have to book appointment with them to get the ring sizes adjusted. He's making no effort into making anything about this nice to me. I told him today that I really would like him to do something nice to me in the whole of this process as I feel I'm the only one putting effort into this. And the wedding is not going to be just some mini trip where he just needs to show up.

I'm just really pissed off with him and afraid that even after all this chat etc. He'll again do f**k all and I will be the only one trying to get things sorted and special and will be nagging him even to get a nice box for the rings etc.

You want to bring a child into this?

Shame on you. Don't care if I get deleted. Tired of seeing children abused and beaten and neglected all because some moron wants a happy every after with a man that is being very open about the fact he's a cunt.

Just fuck off with your fake asking for advice. You don't want advice. People gave you hours of their time supporting you last time and now you want to know how we can get him to buy you a ring.

Words fail me. And that's really rare.

@DueyCheatemAndHow

You want to bring a child into this?

Shame on you. Don't care if I get deleted. Tired of seeing children abused and beaten and neglected all because some moron wants a happy every after with a man that is being very open about the fact he's a cunt.

Just fuck off with your fake asking for advice. You don't want advice. People gave you hours of their time supporting you last time and now you want to know how we can get him to buy you a ring.

Words fail me. And that's really rare.

I actually honestly agree with you. And I don't take abuse lightly. Hence why when my ex was abusive to me, the last thing on my mind was having kids with him. I did with another ex who sadly turned out to be as bad (after child was born) but i got away from him the first chance I got and we have no contact with him. I certainly wouldn't have had any more kids with him.

It was one thing to suffer myself but I'd never let my child suffer and I certainly wouldn't concieve one knowing they would. I also took advice when it was given, I'm finding myself wondering if this post is even legitimate at this point or just attention seeking.

@MissNothing1991im sorry you had to go through that. That sounds really rough. I hope. Things are better for you both now x

He doesn't want to marry you.

The real question is why, when that's so patently obvious, you are so hell bent on marrying him?

Christ alive OP your previous posts are horrific! You need to get as far away from this man as possible.

And without trying to sound like I'm victim blaming, if you continue to TTC with this man, you are therefore willing to knowingly inflict him upon a child and that makes you just as bad as him in my eyes.

Or worse actually because that child will be connected to him for the rest of its life.

So. He can buy a lovely ring for someone else. And two wedding bands. All off his own back. Which he's kept.

But he won't even buy you a much cheaper one, even with you telling him to do it, he still can't be bothered.

What more of a sign do you need OP? Why are you so desperate to get a marriage contract here? Is he worth a few quid? Because you know very much that he's not interested in you. So your pushing for this marriage isn't out of love. What you after?

I wish I’d read your previous posts before replying. The ring is honestly the worst of your problems if he’s having sex with prostitutes and threatening suicide when you try to leave. In all honesty, your posts are extremely worrying, flitting between cheerily trying to conceive and talking about choosing rings to discussing the awful toxic behaviour he’s displaying.

If you have a child with this man, you are condemning them to a childhood full of abuse and watching their parents toxic relationship. Leaving becomes a million times more complicated, and if you do escape you’ll join the hundreds of Mumsnet threads about shithead exes who are trying to control their ex partners through the courts and access. I cannot stress enough how awful it is to be tied to an abuser in this way. You should not be ordering an engagement ring right now, you should be ordering birth control.

I probably come across as a massive bitch but it honestly comes from a place of concern.

[quote DueyCheatemAndHow]@MissNothing1991im sorry you had to go through that. That sounds really rough. I hope. Things are better for you both now x[/quote]
They are so much better thank you. But I won't be thinking I need to rush for a man again, if I find one great but my kiddo comes first and always will. So it would need to be one who was happy with that!

If you have to drag a man into a marriage with you it will be the most miserable existence you can imagine. He has no interest in marrying you and you sound very intense. I would suggest therapy.

@lapasion you don't come across as a bitch at all. Right now the OP has far more control over her future than she ever will have when she has to take DCs into consideration. I hope she listens to you.

@DueyCheatemAndHow

You want to bring a child into this?

Shame on you. Don't care if I get deleted. Tired of seeing children abused and beaten and neglected all because some moron wants a happy every after with a man that is being very open about the fact he's a cunt.

Just fuck off with your fake asking for advice. You don't want advice. People gave you hours of their time supporting you last time and now you want to know how we can get him to buy you a ring.

Words fail me. And that's really rare.

Fucking Amen to this.

Get a grip of yourself OP. There's no ring for you, as if that's your magic answer for a sticking plaster over this horrible "relationship" you keep returning too.

The only way I could remotely see why you would keep acting this way, is if you had children, and had some misguided idea that they shouldn't be in a broken home.

You don't. Thank God. He doesn't want you. Hell will freeze over before he merrily lets you become entitled to his mortgage/house. That's why you're staying. A child isn't going to make you entitled to any of his house. And I bet he'll make sure you get no maintenance.

OP. Read all your posts. The guy can't stand you. He just uses you for what you can offer and literally wouldn't give a shit if you left tomorrow. He'd give a shit whilst he found the next mug to do his housework, and once they were recruited, he'd never think about you again.

And here you are posting about your ring. It's fictional. It always has been. It always will be.

I mean this in the kindest way. Get a grip of yourself.

Leave. He's abusive & disrespectful. You can't fix him. Don't waste any more energy trying.

For the love of God OP, do not marry him and do not get pregnant by him.
Get the fuck out of there. What is wrong with you?

They won't get married. That's happening about as much as her ring is.

She'll ensure she gets pregnant though. I've rarely been so angry at someone's actions, than OP. She doesn't care what the child will endure. She thinks it's going to get her closer to a ring.

I suspect the op is still reading but isn’t going to respond further. I mean, what is there to say?

Op it’s not like he even offered you those rings, you found them and wanted them becayse you know he isn’t going to buy you an engagement or wedding ring, you’d have had to pretend and bought your own. Your thread on picking rings was fantasy really.

I also agree this wedding won’t occur, he’s not going to marry you, and I think you know it. He will end it before he walks up the aisle and says I do.

I wonder if you have become isolated, do you have friends any more, close relationships with family? A support network? Or Have you lost friendships and family as you continue stay with him?

I wonder also if it’s a sunken costs thing, you’re mid thirties, so you're thinking if I want to get married and have kids it’s this twat or no one, and if I marry him then I prove everyone wrong, it shows he did love me, I was right, look at us married with kids.

I suspect you know the truth of your situation deep down, but find it hard to accept it. I think take some time to think. Having his child won’t make him wish to be with you more or treat you better, in reality it will make it worse. Babies and children put a strain on the strongest relationship. Your life will become harder.

Please think carefully. You’ve a lot of hurt coming your way, try to limit it as much as you can.

OP, I really don't know where to start.

From this thread and your previous ones, it's clear that you are a victim of domestic violence and abuse.

This man is horrible and treats you like absolute shit. This is not a reflection of you, it's all down to him.

You cannot fix him, love him into being a better man. The situation is out of control and it will never change.

I'm sure your self esteem has been eroded and your strenght battered. You are at a stage when he has ground you down so much, you cannot see the woods from the trees.

He doesn't want to marry you and that is actually a very good thing. You would be guaranteed a miserable, abusive life with him.

I understand you want love, a marriage and the desire to have children can be all consuming but you will not find your happy ever after with him. Never and I'm sure you would want the absolute best for any children you may have. Be honest, you know that this environment isn't the place to give them that.

You need to re-learn your worth, who you are as a person and understand that you deserve so, so, so much better.

Consider the freedom programme, contact women's aid, get counselling. Please, you owe this to yourself.

On e you leave it will become easily, you will start to see how truly toxic your relationship has been and that not all men will treat you like this.

In a year or two, your self esteem could be back to a health level and you could even meet someone and have those child you desire and raise them in a healthy, happy, safe environment- surely that is what you want. Not this.

You have tried to leave before, try again. I know it's hard to break the cycle but you really do deserve better. Friends, family,therapists and domestic violence organisations will help you through this. You just need to let them.

Your happy ever after lies elsewhere and you'll never get it if you don't leave. There are strangers on the internet who care more about for happiness and welfare than this man. Please see it for what it is and get out or if you can't at least start to make the steps towards leaving by reaching out to women's aid.

The only positive thing I can say about your relationship OP is that at least while you are unaccountably fussing over this loser and hanging on to him as though he is the holy grail made human, he is not making anyone else’s life sad , miserable and unfulfilled.

So thank you for your services to womankind, your sacrifice is noted and appreciated.

This man is horrible and treats you like absolute shit. This is not a reflection of you, it's all down to him.

This is absolutely true but if the OP continues to TTC with this man and has a child, then it's very much a reflection of her too. For this reason I hope she at least packs that idea in.

I wouldn't stress too much about a future DC.

I would actually bet money this dude makes sure there's no kids.

Oh don't be so sure.

A kid means jack all to him. No obligation at all, OP can't force him to see the kid. And he will absolutely go self employed (if he isn't already) so she gets zero maintenance. Kids? He couldn't care less. Not his problem, can't touch his money.

Marriage though? Never. OP can access his cash then. Ring? Nope. That's got to come out of his cash.

Which is why OP is sticking around. She thinks eventually she'll get a way in. He's never going to lose a penny. OP can try and wangle it for the next 20 years. She'll never get anything. Be sure of that.

@100problems OP has also posted about suffering a MC.

Any man is better than no man, clearly, in this instance.
It's pathetic really.

I thought he might be weird because of what has happened to him in the past. Which is fine, I'm happy it happened as he wouldn't be withe otherwise, hehe

I’m not quite sure what you have to be smug about when he proposed to another woman, yet clearly does not want to marry you.

Do you really WANT to be married to a miser who makes no effort?

Run for them hills!

Why do you value yourself so little you're willing to accept another woman's reject? And I'm not just talking about the rings!

Op isn't going to come back. She won't want to admit the engagment ring thread was a fiction. Or worse, the abuse, ttc and MC was fiction.

And if the abuse etc or true, she doesn't want to admit that actively trying to bring g a child into the world whose father is an abusive twat, means she is inflicting future abuse on to her future child.

Being in an abusive relationship is awful and hard to get out of. But choosing to bring a child into it, being fully aware that the father is an abuser, is just not ok.