AIBU: tired of nagging my partner about the engagement ring

[MiamiBeach104]

We've been together over 5 years now. I've proposed, before the weekend trip that I have organized and paid for (nothing too fancy but spent money on nice places to eat, drinks, bit of sightseeing). That was in July last year. I was expecting he will get me a ring before Christmas but it didn't happen. We decided to make a wedding just for the two of us (didn't want to spend money on the party, family isdues and looking to ttc as well). I found the place, paid the deposit, booked photographer, bought my dress. Again no expense and very little effort from him so far. Just before Christmas he said let's buy ring in the New Year which makes sense for better discounts. Again I had to nag him to go to the shops and see the ring with me. All this time I knew he had a full set of wedding rings (engagement and 2 bands). I don't particularly care they were not bought for me but I told him that I'm aware you have them so why we don't just use that for ourselves. He said if only I'm happy with it. After seeing and trying rings on I wanted what he has already so I just thought it would be a waste of nice and expensive jewelry he has already.

However, I'm pissed off in all this process he made very little effort. I told him how important the ring is to me and still have to nag him. He did send the local jewelry shop link but I have to book appointment with them to get the ring sizes adjusted. He's making no effort into making anything about this nice to me. I told him today that I really would like him to do something nice to me in the whole of this process as I feel I'm the only one putting effort into this. And the wedding is not going to be just some mini trip where he just needs to show up.

I'm just really pissed off with him and afraid that even after all this chat etc. He'll again do f**k all and I will be the only one trying to get things sorted and special and will be nagging him even to get a nice box for the rings etc.

Please listen to what posters are telling you. If he was bothered about marrying you he'd help with wedding planning and organise the rings. By your own admission, he's doing absolutely nothing. I'm afraid to say that he doesn't want to marry you. You're ignoring red flags and are focusing your posts on some expensive jewellery but diamonds and gold do not a marriage make. You might love him but he doesn't love you enough to marry you.

Why on Earth do you want to marry him ?!

He doesn't want to marry you. Find some self respect and dump him.

[quote MiamiBeach104]@DiddyHeck - the thing is that the ring that I like is the same type of ring that he has already.

The ring he has already is very expensive (5 times of what he would be able to afford now). It's very beautiful and I would probably never be able to own this expensive jewelry again in my life.

However, putting that aside. I don't need my jewelry to be this expensive. I'm the type of girl who drives used car, saves money and, yes, I do like nice things, but nice things don't have to be expensive. So maybe as nice as the ring is, it is not the right ring for me.[/quote]
So what was the point of your other thread then?

This is reminding me strongly of a couple I know. She proposed after eight years long distance when it was clear he was never going to, she organised literally every bit of the wedding, including contacting his old university friends whom he hadn’t seen in fifteen years, and asked one of them to be his best man, she found him a local job — even after he was working locally, he refused to move in with her till after they got back from honeymoon, saying he was ‘old-fashioned’. He just went along with stuff, including children. Eventually he divorced her, saying he wasn’t living the life he wanted.

OP, I’d be very wary of making a life with someone who just isn’t bothered enough to put any effort into you.

He managed to buy somebody else rings. This isn't right is it? You deserve better. He's sleepwalking into your life.

Are you usually this controlling op?

You are bossing him about, do this do that, what is he, your child?

You sound as if you have been married 50 years already and he is screaming at you with nonverbal communication I DO NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE YOU ARE FORCING ME KICKING AND SCREAMING UP THE AISLE

How embarrassing and how humiliating for you. I cannot understand why you don't see it?

Have you not heard of actions speak louder than words?

Do you know what emotional intelligence is?

Because you are being cringingly poor at this.

Please please op stop what you are doing and reflect.

95% of the time when a man truly wants to marry the woman he adores and wants to spend the rest of his life with he asks her, buys a ring and is excited about the next stage.

You are doing it all. Buying it all paying for every thing yourself. Why? Is it because you are worried if it's left up to him he won't ask you to marry him and won't pick a day or won't be interested in the next stage?
.
Do you think he is saying what you want to hear for an easy life?

Op why are you hellbent on marrying a man who has no desire to marry you but you are coercing and browbeating into doing it?

You seriously need to step back. If I were you I'd stop everything. Tell him you are incompatible and you want different things. Cancel all the dates, dress, venue and make plans to move out.

Have some time apart. Reassess what you want in a life partner. Reassess your dynamism with others.

Raise your standards in a partner. Find someone on your level, someone proactive and excited about spending their life with you.

You don't need this anchor in your life constantly dragging you down and backwards.

Believe me, there are lovely men out there who want the things you do, will want to make you happy because they want that and not because they are being told to.

You would be making a huge mistake marrying this man. Ignore what everyone here is telling you at your peril.

What's bothering me is that presumably he could be bothered to go and buy the rings for his ex. So he can do it when he wants to. And he managed to propose to her too.

@boringcreation

Sorry did I mis-read? You proposed to him and you want him to buy you a ring? You sound like you're making him do something you want to do and you want him to be enthusiastic about it, not going to happen.

This. He doesn't sound like it's something he wants at all. Also, why does he already have other sets of wedding rings

He never proposed to you.
You arranged and paid for a romantic trip away.

You proposed to him.
You have run around booking everything.
You have paid for everything.
He won't buy you a ring
He doesn't even want to give you a ring he already has.

You say that he really wants to get married. Not seeing that to be honest.

Don't do this. Read the signs. Move on. Find a partner who would do these things for you. This is not a two way relationship. He will leave at some point, probably when you have a child that you planned and he didn't really want. You're deluding yourself.

Op when people say things you don't want to hear, do you always ignore them?

When people don't do things you want them to do, do you think pushing them is the right thing to do?

Because it seems to me you don't have much social awareness and are just not getting basic social cues.

If he wanted to, he would. And that’s about all I have to say about that.

He was able to buy the other engagement ring.
He was engaged to someone else, either he got gilted or he ditched her before the wedding. Which was it,?
Then worst if all, didn't tell you this really significant life event from his past....in all the 5 yrs.

OP, this man is horrendous.
I looked at your previous posts.
Please don't.

Need to leave my boyfriend - how? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3722257-Need-to-leave-my-boyfriend-how?msgid=90949607#90949607

He doesn't want to marry you.

Oh god. I was going to reply even before I saw the other thread
Leave OP. Look inside yourself and ask why you are so desperately trying to be married to this man. Because it sure as hell isn’t because it will be a good marriage that brings you joy.
Why are you punishing yourself this way? Dragging a man to the alter in what hope? What are you trying to achieve? Does being married make you such a special person that it doesn’t matter who you are married to?

This is the sort of stuff Adele would write a song about.

I would just think if he wasn’t arsed about the wedding, then he wasn’t arsed about me.

If he wants it then he can organise it. But it isn’t looking like he does. And I think you would have a plenty long wait.

Why did you propose to an abusive, manipulative, unemployed alcoholic who cheats on you with prostitutes and doesn’t want kids??? The ring is the least of your worries.
You’re only 35 - find a decent kind man instead of punishing yourself like this.

You are acting like his mum and will spend your entire life planning and organising every single thing on behalf of both of you.

Trust me, that gets old very, very quickly. Especially if you have actual children alongside a man child.

Don't get married, stop TTC until you sort this out. I suspect you will ignore this advice because you are desperate to have your happy ever after with him but try to think about how you would feel if a friend or sister told you the same story.

Oh god ignore everything I've said, he's cheated on you with prostitutes? What the fuck are you doing woman!

Do confused. A few weeks ago you were having loads of fun picking out your own engagment ring and wanted to pick your own. But now you don't?

Now just having the one he put effort into buying for soneone else, along with wedding bands. That feels like you are clutching at straws to just have a ring. Or realiaed yours wont be as expensive Do settling.

2 years ago you had been together over 5 years, so is its over 7 now? Odd to keep saying over 5 years.

He threw you out at 3am. Slept with prostitutes, is abusive, threatened to kill himself when you left......and you are upset because the abusive, cheater isnt putti g enough effort in?

Is your account just a way of coming up with stories for your blog?

@Arbeity - you're right, he is LITERALLY "disengaged".

Ffs you are TTC? Why would you purposely give your child and abusive father?