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Original poster

AIBU: tired of nagging my partner about the engagement ring

150 replies

MiamiBeach104 · 29/01/2022 23:04

We've been together over 5 years now. I've proposed, before the weekend trip that I have organized and paid for (nothing too fancy but spent money on nice places to eat, drinks, bit of sightseeing). That was in July last year. I was expecting he will get me a ring before Christmas but it didn't happen. We decided to make a wedding just for the two of us (didn't want to spend money on the party, family isdues and looking to ttc as well). I found the place, paid the deposit, booked photographer, bought my dress. Again no expense and very little effort from him so far. Just before Christmas he said let's buy ring in the New Year which makes sense for better discounts. Again I had to nag him to go to the shops and see the ring with me. All this time I knew he had a full set of wedding rings (engagement and 2 bands). I don't particularly care they were not bought for me but I told him that I'm aware you have them so why we don't just use that for ourselves. He said if only I'm happy with it. After seeing and trying rings on I wanted what he has already so I just thought it would be a waste of nice and expensive jewelry he has already.

However, I'm pissed off in all this process he made very little effort. I told him how important the ring is to me and still have to nag him. He did send the local jewelry shop link but I have to book appointment with them to get the ring sizes adjusted. He's making no effort into making anything about this nice to me. I told him today that I really would like him to do something nice to me in the whole of this process as I feel I'm the only one putting effort into this. And the wedding is not going to be just some mini trip where he just needs to show up.

I'm just really pissed off with him and afraid that even after all this chat etc. He'll again do f**k all and I will be the only one trying to get things sorted and special and will be nagging him even to get a nice box for the rings etc.

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 30/01/2022 06:50

@SleepingStandingUp

So You proposed Expected him to buy a ring He didn't and wouldn't So you said I'll just use the ex's He's still not sorted it He won't help you plan your very small private wedding

I mean honestly I'd be questioning his commitment. I think you need to sit down and really talk. He steps up or you cancel.

Yep.

I would calmly be having a come to Jesus conversation with him.

I have had and still do "drop the rope" with my husband on certain (way less important) topics. And he either steps up or doesn't.

You should not drive this wedding.

Example:
We wanted to do more weekend country walks I duly planned them and he never did. So I stopped. He mentioned it and I said cool where are we going and he went off and sorted a series of lovely weekends with nice pubs at the end... because it mattered to him.

he also "desperately" wanted a garden room. I did the research, got specs, found companies, got samples... booked the free home consultation.
he did fuck all. When i realised i simply stopped making his "dream" happen.
He did nothing so we have a falling down shed at the end of the garden and the money is in Google shares instead 🤷‍♀️

Do not marry and do not start ttc until this is properly resolved and he realises he has royally cocked this up and made amends

Volterra · 30/01/2022 07:02

I’ve read your other threads and don’t understand how you got from where you were when you left him and then later him sending pictures of a rope and threatening to hang himself to now proposing to him and trying to have a child.

Generally it is considered bad form on here to refer to old threads but they are so relevant here. Given all that is happened, how do you see you both having a happy future together? What has happened between then and now to make you think this is possible?

Ipadflowers · 30/01/2022 07:06

Op, what are you doing trying to force a marriage and even taking rings he bought for someone else? When your relationship is also really bad?

Take a step back and ask yourself what you’re doing here.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Clothing
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/01/2022 07:08

Oh my Christ.

Just read some of the other stuff.

You are not going to get a happy ever after with this one.

If I knew you in real life (and I mean this with the best will in the world), I’d be hoofing your nethers to get your brain back up the way. Up there for thinking flower.

Down there is for dancing and horizontal dancing. And I bet even that is all about him.

You. Deserve. Better. Flowers

Allycott · 30/01/2022 07:10

OP I have read your other thread.

I make no apologies for what I am about to say. You are everything that is wrong with women who want to marry at any cost. Where's your self respect? I'm so angry at how you are allowing him to treat you yet you sap it up because you're scared he will leave? You cant lose something you never had.

The sets of rings he has make me think he may well have proposed however the marriage didn't happen - maybe he got dumped, she cheated who knows but I bet he's in the "all women are bitches" camp! It makes me so angry to see a woman cling on to someone until every shred of self respect is gone.
One thing Iv

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/01/2022 07:14

@Volterra

I’ve read your other threads and don’t understand how you got from where you were when you left him and then later him sending pictures of a rope and threatening to hang himself to now proposing to him and trying to have a child.

Generally it is considered bad form on here to refer to old threads but they are so relevant here. Given all that is happened, how do you see you both having a happy future together? What has happened between then and now to make you think this is possible?

Jesus christ on a bike.

Just read the threads.
WHY? Just why are you pursuing this relationship???

You need to have a word with yourself.

The rope and threats of suicide are just 😱😱😱
And even if you do insist on fucking up your own life please do not have children with this man and drag poor innocents into this shit show.

SartresSoul · 30/01/2022 07:16

I don’t really understand this, it is early in the morning so bear with me.

He proposed to someone else years ago and kept the ring, he’d also already bought wedding rings for him and this person because he expected she’d say yes and she didn’t I’m guessing? Or she returned the expensive engagement ring when they split. You found these rings and like the engagement one so have asked if you can have it and he’s said you can. Why don’t you wear it then? I’m not sure why there’s still all of this argument over rings when he has an old one you don’t mind wearing Confused.

Allycott · 30/01/2022 07:19

Posted too soon!

One thing I can say is that somewhere up thread someone posted the immortal truth "if he wanted to he would". Well he doesn't and he won't".

This guy and his friends and family must be laughing their socks off at you. But IF he marries you I'm sure you'll make an excellent housekeeper and childminder while he continues to whore . Get some self respect and fuck this loser off.

Indoctro · 30/01/2022 07:20

Sounds like maybe you are railroading him into a wedding he doesn't really want to do.

rattlemehearties · 30/01/2022 07:21

Oh OP you must still be relatively young if you're thinking of babies in future. Dump him and run. Find someone else, there's plenty of time for true love and children, don't settle. He is showing you his true colours.

rainbowstardrops · 30/01/2022 07:22

@Indoctro

Sounds like maybe you are railroading him into a wedding he doesn't really want to do.

This is exactly what I was about to say.

KatherineJaneway · 30/01/2022 07:22

He does want us to get married, he's serious about that.

Clearly not. The only one interested in marriage is you.

Volterra · 30/01/2022 07:29

He doesn’t want to get married as then you will be entitled to a share of his house. At the moment he has got you contributing to his mortgage for about 7 years as far as I can see (sorry if I am wrong about this) which is no doubt building up a nice bit of equity that he clearly has no intention of letting you get anywhere near.

Ipadflowers · 30/01/2022 07:30

It’s really hard to comprehend what you’re doing op. I feel desperately sad for you, that you’re in this place. I really hope some small part of you realises that forcing marriage and babies with a man who cheats on you abuses you threatens you lives off you and clearly doesn’t wish to marry you is a terrible mistake, and that thay small part of you can stop the rest of you careening down this self destructive path.

ChimChimeny · 30/01/2022 07:38

[quote Nextlevelnonsense]OP, this man is horrendous.
I looked at your previous posts.
Please don't.

Need to leave my boyfriend - how? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3722257-Need-to-leave-my-boyfriend-how?msgid=90949607#90949607[/quote]
Shock seriously just move out and ghost the fucker. And work out why your standards are so low so you can find a decent partner.

TracyMosby · 30/01/2022 08:36

Generally it is considered bad form on here to refer to old threads but they are so relevant here
It is ALWAYS relevant to know the background of a situation. Nothing ever happens in an isolated way. The only reasons people ‘name change for this thread because I only want advice on this particular minor issue.’ is because they know it is patterned behaviour and they don't want to be told that.

Op, what does be do that makes him a good prospect for marriage?

Littlehouseonthefairy · 30/01/2022 08:50

I would take it that he is trying to signal to you that he doesn't want to get married and just doesn't want to have to say it out loud. I think he probably thinks it is kinder to let you be the one who calls it off. I could not be bothered with someone like this. I would leave him to it and move on with my life. I would not organise him into marrying me or even stay with someone like this.

Moomoo75 · 30/01/2022 08:57

How long are you together? I couldn't touch those rings. I couldn't wear them every day on my finger and know he chose them for another girl, every time he would look at them he will think of her.......basically those rings reflect the effort that you desperately want from him but isn't giving to you. It shows that he is capable of giving that effort because he already did for someone else. RUN! Am so sorry.

Tarne · 30/01/2022 09:11

DO NOT TTC WITH THIS SELFISH, ABUSIVE, EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE ALCOHOLIC CHEAT.

Ruining your own life with such a man is one thing. But bringing an innocent child into this hell hole of an environment is another.

He is not cut out to be a good dad or husband or father. It has disaster written all over it.

STOP and THINK

LittleBearPad · 30/01/2022 09:19

Shock well that escalated!

He wasn’t worth keeping just on the OP, given the rest OP I’d leave now.

MadeForThis · 30/01/2022 10:02

Please have more respect for yourself. He sounds awful. Why are you willing to accept so little?

Ipadflowers · 30/01/2022 10:31

Op, I hope you come back, just to talk abort what’s led you to this life choice, how you got here and why you’re choosing this self destructive and quite demeaning path. People are worried and disturbed by what they are reading.

NowEvenBetter · 30/01/2022 10:37

Yikes. It would be self destruction to legally shackle yourself to this scumbag. But you’re thinking about a ring and wedding details?! 🤢

roastingmichael · 30/01/2022 10:39

I really don't think he wants to get married. These are not the actions of someone who does. There's a difference between not being very interested in wedding planning and actively avoiding the whole thing.

I would also be concerned that he didn't tell you he'd already been engaged or bought rings to propose to someone. That's pretty major info I'd want to know about a partner!

I think it's time for a serious chat about your relationship rather than your wedding.

Loveisthere · 30/01/2022 10:43

Oh no I would never wear a ring that he chose for another woman. Why did he keep the rings he could sell them and get you a ring. You appear to be pushing for something that he does not want. As pp have stated do you really want to be on here in future saying he is not interested in the pregnancy or the scans never looks after the children etc. I really think you need to step back until he shows an interest or just accept he does not want this. Sorry op may not be what you want to hear