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Original poster

AIBU: tired of nagging my partner about the engagement ring

150 replies

MiamiBeach104 · 29/01/2022 23:04

We've been together over 5 years now. I've proposed, before the weekend trip that I have organized and paid for (nothing too fancy but spent money on nice places to eat, drinks, bit of sightseeing). That was in July last year. I was expecting he will get me a ring before Christmas but it didn't happen. We decided to make a wedding just for the two of us (didn't want to spend money on the party, family isdues and looking to ttc as well). I found the place, paid the deposit, booked photographer, bought my dress. Again no expense and very little effort from him so far. Just before Christmas he said let's buy ring in the New Year which makes sense for better discounts. Again I had to nag him to go to the shops and see the ring with me. All this time I knew he had a full set of wedding rings (engagement and 2 bands). I don't particularly care they were not bought for me but I told him that I'm aware you have them so why we don't just use that for ourselves. He said if only I'm happy with it. After seeing and trying rings on I wanted what he has already so I just thought it would be a waste of nice and expensive jewelry he has already.

However, I'm pissed off in all this process he made very little effort. I told him how important the ring is to me and still have to nag him. He did send the local jewelry shop link but I have to book appointment with them to get the ring sizes adjusted. He's making no effort into making anything about this nice to me. I told him today that I really would like him to do something nice to me in the whole of this process as I feel I'm the only one putting effort into this. And the wedding is not going to be just some mini trip where he just needs to show up.

I'm just really pissed off with him and afraid that even after all this chat etc. He'll again do f**k all and I will be the only one trying to get things sorted and special and will be nagging him even to get a nice box for the rings etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 29/01/2022 23:26

He has the rings because he did propose to someone in the past. He wasn't aware I knew they existed (I found the set of rings going through his stuff a while back but didn't bring it up at the time. Left it up to him to tell me instead).

OP posts:
Toomuch2do · 29/01/2022 23:26

Why does he have a full set of rings?

FlibbertyGiblets · 29/01/2022 23:26

Why does he have a full set of rings already?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Clothing
merrymelodies · 29/01/2022 23:26

Does he generally avoid conflict like the plague?

FlibbertyGiblets · 29/01/2022 23:27

Oh x posts.
No I wouldn't want tokens of love bought for another, no siree.

Thirtytimesround · 29/01/2022 23:32

If he’s proposed to someone before, and presumably had conversations about / pictured wedding stuff woth someone else, this must be bringing back some bad memories for him. Perhaps that’s why he’s being weird.

Honestly Mumsnet is just going to tell you to dump him, that’s like 90% of the threads here. But the reality is it’s unusual for the bloke to be at all interested in wedding planning (isn’t that the entire plot of Don’t Tell The Bride tv show). Tell him to sort the honeymoon, you have fun planning the wedding with your female friends and get him involved in small choices like do you prefer x or y.

Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 29/01/2022 23:34

@FlibbertyGiblets I appreciate your thinking. But the way I look into it is purely from practical perspective. A piece of jewelry is a peace of jewelry. If I didn't like it then of course it's an issue. But I liked so it doesn't matter it wasn't bought for me in the first place.

OP posts:
Toasterandjam · 29/01/2022 23:36

@FibbertyGiblets That made me lol, the 'no siree'!Grin

timeisnotaline · 29/01/2022 23:36

I don’t think you are listening to what his actions are telling you. My dh never organised anything for holidays. We had a 6 week trip through a couple of continents planned and he was doing nothing. I said it’s canceled for two weeks at the beach as it’s too much organising for me right now. Turns out he did want amazing holidays and was just a lazy arse. So don’t let him get away with it. Tell him the honeymoon needs flights itinerary accomodation booked by a date or the wedding is off, you won’t marry this level of lazy. Unless he doesn’t do half the housework willingly in which case just call it off now. You’re not only doing all this work and prep, you’re also putting all this time into trying to address his engagement levels with him, and he doesn’t sound worth that effort.

Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 29/01/2022 23:38

@Thirtytimesround - that's a good idea. I might ask him to sort out honeymoon and transport to the venue (it's maybe 7hrs drive from where we live so bit of planning required)

I thought he might be weird because of what has happened to him in the past. Which is fine, I'm happy it happened as he wouldn't be withe otherwise, hehe

OP posts:
DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 29/01/2022 23:42

Are you sure you've got this right? It sounds like you're putting all the hard work in and he's going a long with it for an easy life. It also sounds like you're focusing in the wrong things. Time for some self examination. What is it you really want? And is this man right for you?

SallSall · 29/01/2022 23:44

I could never wear a set of wedding rings bought for another woman and then the marriage fell through - I would rather wear a very cheap band or other similar cheap ring (if money was the issue) that was either chosen just for me or chosen by me. How can the set not remind him of his ex fiancé .. all sorts of wrong

Runkle · 29/01/2022 23:47

Fuck that. Aren't you embarrassed that you have to keep nagging him on and on for this?

I'd be reconsidering marriage and the whole relationship.

AuntTwacky · 29/01/2022 23:50

Not sure he wants to marry you

Interrobanger · 29/01/2022 23:50

Sounds like you caught him on the rebound.

Is another woman’s engagement and wedding rings and having to drag this disinterested man to the altar really the best you can do?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/01/2022 23:54

You are totally ignoring the gigantic red flags that are waving right in your face. This man does not want to marry you. It isn't happening. When a man wants to marry a woman, she knows it. He is stringing you along.

Duchess379 · 30/01/2022 00:05

I don't know how much more clearly it could be. He doesn't want to get married. If he did, he'd put on a big fancy proposal etc. He's made no effort. None.
You'll end up being jilted at the alter if you keep pushing this. Have some dignity & let it go. Go find someone who's on your wavelength.

DiddyHeck · 30/01/2022 00:07

[quote MiamiBeach104]@FlibbertyGiblets I appreciate your thinking. But the way I look into it is purely from practical perspective. A piece of jewelry is a peace of jewelry. If I didn't like it then of course it's an issue. But I liked so it doesn't matter it wasn't bought for me in the first place.[/quote]
A piece of jewelry is a peace of jewelry. If I didn't like it then of course it's an issue. But I liked so it doesn't matter it wasn't bought for me in the first place.

That's not entirely true though is it OP? Be honest with yourself, you don't really want to be wearing a ring he bought for another woman when he can't even be bothered to go out ring shopping with you (sorry to be harsh but it's true).

And besides, you started a thread just a couple of weeks ago with photos of engagement rings you liked and were asking opinions on them. Don't settle for this man, you deserve better.

MichelleScarn · 30/01/2022 00:08

But you proposed, why would he get the ring?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/01/2022 00:24

So
You proposed
Expected him to buy a ring
He didn't and wouldn't
So you said I'll just use the ex's
He's still not sorted it
He won't help you plan your very small private wedding

I mean honestly I'd be questioning his commitment. I think you need to sit down and really talk. He steps up or you cancel.

Lorw · 30/01/2022 00:26

Those rings are a Red flag 🚩

He would rather use rings that he actually bothered to buy for another woman than bother to buy a ring bought especially for you, I mean this in the nicest of ways, get some self worth Flowers Also bad heebie jeebies that, regardless of the fact they were bought for someone else, he could have easily sold them and put the money towards choosing a ring for you.

Sorry OP but he seems useless.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 30/01/2022 00:30

He doesn't want to get married

Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 30/01/2022 00:32

@DiddyHeck - the thing is that the ring that I like is the same type of ring that he has already.

The ring he has already is very expensive (5 times of what he would be able to afford now). It's very beautiful and I would probably never be able to own this expensive jewelry again in my life.

However, putting that aside. I don't need my jewelry to be this expensive. I'm the type of girl who drives used car, saves money and, yes, I do like nice things, but nice things don't have to be expensive. So maybe as nice as the ring is, it is not the right ring for me.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 30/01/2022 00:36

Why has he even still got it?

OnceBitten25 · 30/01/2022 00:48

I could have written this post! I ran around like a bloody idiot arranging the wedding while he didn't get involved one bit. Eventually he sent me off to Argos to buy an engagement ring a couple of months before we got married. Like an idiot I didn't question it or see as a red flag when I should have stopped what I was doing and asked myself if I was ready to put up with this bullshit for the rest of my life.

We are getting divorced now.