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Original poster

I don't know how to do this; a hand hold please

160 replies

bloodywhitecat · 28/01/2022 21:46

Just for tonight?

DH has cancer, it's terminal and it is spreading fast. He's also recently had a massive stroke so he can't tell me what's wrong but I do know that tonight he has had some break through pain so I have given him extra oramorph to help him. I also know he wants to die at home and I want him to be here but honestly, it is so so hard. He is settled and asleep at the moment but I can't switch off. If his pain comes back I will call our hospice for advice but tonight it has all got on top of me (and I realise he is the one going through this, not me so I shouldn't be sitting here crying). Talk to me for a while? Please? I do have people I could call but it is getting late and I don't want to cry down the phone at them.

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 29/01/2022 01:01

I'm so sorry. Cancer is so terrifying.

Mumdiva99 · 29/01/2022 05:49

I hope you got some sleep. I have my daughter snoring quietly next to me - the younger kids think it's a treat to sleep with mummy. I need a wee but i don't want to wake her. And a cat had taken residence at the foot of the bed so I can't sort the duvet out or get comfy!

It's good the girls are coming up. However don't be too strong for them without lining up support for you. I hope your husband has a pain free weekend and you all make some happy memories. Sending you love. Xxx

Original poster
bloodywhitecat · 29/01/2022 05:59

@Mumdiva99 our smallest fosterling is starting to stir but I am putting off looking in her cot as I have got DH settled again and have had 2 hours sleep. The nurses are coming out to give DH injectable pain relief and anti sickness meds.

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 29/01/2022 06:14

I hope the youngest rolls over and re-settles. Are they usually early wakers? In fact don't answer....turn over and try to get another 10 minutes sleep.

OystercatchersPaddling · 29/01/2022 06:24

Also, @bloodywhitecat, I think you and your husband are amazing for providing love for your fosterlings. What a wonderful thing to do xx

Davina1234 · 29/01/2022 06:26

Thinking of you all xx

Wam90 · 29/01/2022 06:46

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please don’t think that you’re not allowed to be upset with your husband. He may be the one dying of this awful disease but you are having to witness that and more.
I hope you called someone to cry down the phone to and call the hospice at any time. If it’s anything like my local one they have an at home team so won’t necessarily mean he’ll need to go in if home is where he wants to be. Macmillan will also support you if you need someone to take to about your struggles.
You’re incredibly strong but also you don’t have to be all the time so please reach out to ensure you’re supported too. Sending lots of hugs and hoping you managed to get some sleep and your husband remained pain free x

ChiaraRimini · 29/01/2022 07:39

Dear OP I'm so sorry this is happening.
My dad died of gall duct cancer at 63. It's very difficult to treat as you have found out, the survival rate is very poor. He was in hospital as at the end he went downhill very quickly and was too ill to move. He had a syringe driver for pain meds is that a possibility at home? Get the nurses to check the dosage is right for his meds we had an issue where they miscalculated the dose for Dad and he wasn't getting enough pain relief :(
It's the hardest thing that I've ever been through. Sending love.

bringonsummer2022 · 29/01/2022 21:43

I'm so sorry you are go in h through this. I only know from my mum's experience (she was a nurse specialising in palliative care who worked for many years in hospice and hospice at home) that your husband's pain can always be controlled, she said they always helped people to have the death they wanted, whether at home or in the hospice. She said how lovely it was there and it was a thing she happily chose for her own father and father in law who she nursed (one in palliative care unit and one at home). The hospice understand so well what you are going through and they have held many people's hands through this. I really hope you have a nurse like my mum who will make it nice for your husband and support you with the practical stuff xxx

bringonsummer2022 · 29/01/2022 21:45

What a wonderful man you have in your life, no wonder you don't want to lose him. I can't even begin to understand how sorry I am you are going through this. Xx

Cantchooseaname · 29/01/2022 21:57

You both sound such amazing people. The universe is so unfair sometimes.
Wishing you some peace and strength for the road ahead.

Thingscanonlygetbetterfucovid · 29/01/2022 22:02

Please don't feel guilty for crying. My goodness, you have absolutely every right to feel sad and every other emotion right now. I'm sorry I have no helpful advice. Thinking of you and your family.

Original poster
bloodywhitecat · 30/01/2022 11:10

Yesterday was a better day, he ate a little and drank a little. Today we are back to where we were, he's vomiting, pale, clammy, and in pain. We are waiting for the nurses to come and give him some injections as I can't get his morphine into him as drinking makes him vomit.

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 30/01/2022 11:31

Still here holding your hand @bloodywhitecat I hope the injections give him some relief.

And how are you holding up?

Munchies123 · 30/01/2022 12:49

Sod the handhold, I'm giving you an almighty hug.
I, with my dad and sister, nursed mum at home only a few short months ago. It's awful, don't underestimate what you are going through. Of course as well as your husband. You both sound wonderful, wonderful people. Sending you both love and strength

Mumdiva99 · 30/01/2022 17:54

Sorry to hear that. I hope the nurses have been now and you get a more settled evening.

sueelleker · 30/01/2022 18:04

@bloodywhitecat

Just for tonight?

DH has cancer, it's terminal and it is spreading fast. He's also recently had a massive stroke so he can't tell me what's wrong but I do know that tonight he has had some break through pain so I have given him extra oramorph to help him. I also know he wants to die at home and I want him to be here but honestly, it is so so hard. He is settled and asleep at the moment but I can't switch off. If his pain comes back I will call our hospice for advice but tonight it has all got on top of me (and I realise he is the one going through this, not me so I shouldn't be sitting here crying). Talk to me for a while? Please? I do have people I could call but it is getting late and I don't want to cry down the phone at them.

I'm in exactly the same position, except my DH died today in hospital. He had an operation in November for an aggressive bladder cancer, and we hoped he was improving. He had a massive stroke on Tuesday, and when they scanned him the cancer had spread. He's been on palliative care in the hospital since, and they rang me at lunchtime to say he'd slipped away. The only consolation I have is that at least he won't have to go through chemo or radiotherapy. Hugs to you.
Sideswiped · 30/01/2022 19:12

@bloodywhitecat, just a thought:
I've been on some of your threads, but can't remember if you have nurses coming in regularly, so sorry if I've got this wrong...
As you're now in the situation where your DH's pain is less manageable, could you ask that he has a visit (or at least a phone call) to see how he is?
If you could arrange it, it might take some of the pressure from you of having to call to get someone out to help him.

Sideswiped · 30/01/2022 19:12

Should have said of course - every day.

KurtWilde · 30/01/2022 19:15

@sueelleker I'm so sorry Thanks

Original poster
bloodywhitecat · 30/01/2022 19:40

@sueelleker I am so sorry, that is just so sad Flowers. They won't offer DH chemo or treatment because he is at hugely increased risk of sepsis etc because of the stroke. Life is very unkind sometimes.

@Sideswiped that is a good idea, I will speak to the hospice and the DNs and ask for that.

OP posts:
2022IamHavingYa · 30/01/2022 19:47

Keep strong OP. You are doing your absolute best and all whilst fostering. What an amazing person you are and you both don’t deserve this. Life is so cruel.

sofakingcool · 30/01/2022 20:11

So sorry @sueelleker Thanksx

sofakingcool · 30/01/2022 20:12

Still thinking of you @bloodywhitecat

Whatwouldnanado · 30/01/2022 20:16

Sending love and a big hug. Please call someone, it's so much on your own. You couldn't be doing any more than you are x

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