I don't know how to do this; a hand hold please

[bloodywhitecat]

Just for tonight?

DH has cancer, it's terminal and it is spreading fast. He's also recently had a massive stroke so he can't tell me what's wrong but I do know that tonight he has had some break through pain so I have given him extra oramorph to help him. I also know he wants to die at home and I want him to be here but honestly, it is so so hard. He is settled and asleep at the moment but I can't switch off. If his pain comes back I will call our hospice for advice but tonight it has all got on top of me (and I realise he is the one going through this, not me so I shouldn't be sitting here crying). Talk to me for a while? Please? I do have people I could call but it is getting late and I don't want to cry down the phone at them.

Lots of love to you. He sounds a wonderful, lovely man. I'm so sorry but you are showing wonderful love by taking care of him. He has you there with him. Prayers fo you both are being sent up xxxxxx

I’m so sorry OP. We lost my brother to cancer in 2012 (he was 28) and when we knew it was terminal it was excruciating to watch him reduce to a shell.

There are no words of comfort but I hope there is some in knowing that others have been and are going through the same thing. It makes this awful grief feel a little less lonely.

I’m sending so much strength and prayers for you all. Watching someone you love go through this will tear you into a million pieces I know.

Sending love and strength to you at such an awful time xx

Holding your hand tightly,sending you lots of love x

I'm so so sorry OP. This affects both you and your husband together. Please don't feel bad that you're finding it hard

My daughter nursed her aunt through pancreatic cancer, and overdosed her on Oramorph a couple of times by accident (her Facebook timeline tells you she had a lovely sleep but she'd never trust my daughter again!) The med that helped the most though was simple paracetamol, taken every four hours but 2 hours after her other med (so sorry, I can't remember what it was she was having). Auntie Anne turned down Macmillan Nurses at first, but they became her best friends for the assistance that was there at the end of the phone. Also any friend of yours would be happy to be able to be at the end of a phone to you @bloodywhitecat - sometimes I think we're all conditioned to not bother anyone, when they're really waiting there to be bothered and to be able to be your support. Love to you and your beautiful husband, and wishing for an easy passing for him

Can I also say that Anne was taking Oramorph plus her other pain med, but it was only when she started on the Paracetamol that the pain was actually under control. You may already be doing this, and if so I'm sorry to suggest it. We're here for you all night if needed xx

I've read your previous threads and I'm sending you love and a big, very unMumsnetty virtual

Cornetto sounds perfect - easy to eat and lots of calcium! Handholding here too.

Hand hold here

You poor soul. Sending you much love.

I feel for you and will pray for your husband and you. Wishing you strength to get through this most difficult time.

Sending you a handhold.

You have a right to cry, you will be losing your husband. Give the hospice a ring, they are brilliant, lovely people.x

Sending you a great big hug 🤗

Your husband sounds wonderful, as do you. Best wishes and love to you both xxx

Oh, @bloodywhitecat, you and your much-loved family have been through the mill, haven't you?
All of you have been stuck on a terrible treadmill (I hope you will understand what I mean).
To echo what other posters have said, and also what you have recognised, as you have overnight care for DH, trust that they will wake you if there is anything going on. You can't be on 'red alert' 24 hours a day. That's very important.
Is there somewhere else you could sleep so you can rest? This might be the time to do it, even it is for part of the night, knowing that they will wake you if the MC nurses need to. They will understand what you are going through and your need to rest (even if it's only a little)... They will do what they are there for. Trust in them,
Your love for your DH has shone through in every single one of your posts (and I've been around here for several years now).
I'm sorry you, your DH and your family have to go through this.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. But you're doing an amazing thing, allowing your DH to die at home. Sadly so many don't get that.
My DH died at home from cancer. I had hospice nurses come in over night. They didn't come in the bedroom, I slept next to my DH's hospital bed with my son.
When I had moments of panic about his meds I could call them. The district nurses came in the day.
I had a friend who really stepped up. She came round most days. It meant I could run out to get food etc.
I'm so pleased my DH got to be at home. I was told by the lovely funeral directors that there was absolutely no rush to call them once he passed. She said to spend time with him, as much as we needed. That took the pressure away and I felt I still had a part of him for a little while longer.
Sending you strength.

OP, your posts are deeply moving in a way that is very rare and precious. Your love for your wonderful husband shines through in a way that I don't mind admitting made me cry. All the love in the world to you, and a plea; please be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel how you feel, if that makes sense. The conflict between wanting to keep him by your side forever and knowing that he cannot/ will not/should not is, imo the greatest battle we are ever expected to fight.

Aw sweetheart I'm so so sorry you are having to do this. Sending you love and strength. Squeezing your hand tight 💔

Oh OP

I have no wisdom or comfort to offer but how lucky you are, both of you, to have found each other. I am so so sorry but he is surrounded by love and there is nothing more you can do really. 💐

So sorry you’re going through this. Call Macmillan / charities etc and ask for support. Also friends and family don’t probably know what they should do or say and might need you to tell them for example that you want someone else in the house or whatever else you might need but they’ll be pleased to be asked. They’ll be thinking of you no doubt and sure would be pleased you called them any time. But I get sometimes a vent somewhere like here is better when you just don’t have the energy to connect. Do cry - I think both of you are going through just as difficult a journey. Im sure your hubby feels so loved and supported that you are there. I’m in Essex I don’t know where you are but feel free to pm me if I can help. Big hugs. I had melanoma & tried to be brave and didn’t ask for help. I realised after people wanted to help but didn’t know how to as I was being to brave. Ask people to help you and if they can they will be so happy you asked. If they can’t help right now someone else will. Sending love.

Your love for your DH really shines through your posts. He will know that you are there, and that he is loved. That is so important at this time. I wish your husband a peaceful passing. I wish you all the strength and support in the world.

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

Fat hand here for you. I’ve scrubbed it after an incident earlier involving a poo bag and something that looked as though it came out of a small cow…

Your love for eachother shines out of your posts flower.

I like a Midsomer Murder or a Vera. I’m sitting with a Vera now I’ve sorted out mam and dad.

I hope he has a peaceful night and I hope you’ve been managing to get some sleep yourself. 🌻

That really made me smile

Love to you and your effervescent DH @bloodywhitecat.