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Original poster

I don't know how to do this; a hand hold please

160 replies

bloodywhitecat · 28/01/2022 21:46

Just for tonight?

DH has cancer, it's terminal and it is spreading fast. He's also recently had a massive stroke so he can't tell me what's wrong but I do know that tonight he has had some break through pain so I have given him extra oramorph to help him. I also know he wants to die at home and I want him to be here but honestly, it is so so hard. He is settled and asleep at the moment but I can't switch off. If his pain comes back I will call our hospice for advice but tonight it has all got on top of me (and I realise he is the one going through this, not me so I shouldn't be sitting here crying). Talk to me for a while? Please? I do have people I could call but it is getting late and I don't want to cry down the phone at them.

OP posts:
mommybear1 · 28/01/2022 22:39

Handhold OP - the nights are the worst I find. I sincerely hope you both have some lovely days together going forward 💕.

saraclara · 28/01/2022 22:39

I've been there, OP. And I'm here while you're going through it.

I'm glad that you have Marie Curie nurses involved. We only had them for DH's last two nights, but that unbroken sleep...oh my, how my DDs and I appreciated that.

He waited until half an hour after the MC nurse had gone and my daughters and I (and the cat) were perched on and around his bed laughing at funny, happy memories.
I wish you and your DH a parting as good as that.

You are doing a wonderful thing for him.

dat78 · 28/01/2022 22:42

hug to you and your husband be strong and call someone. your never alone were all holding you hand right now xx

Tonkerbea · 28/01/2022 22:42

Your bond and love is such a wonderful thing, sending a hand hold.

FrogIAm · 28/01/2022 22:43

If you were my friend I would be more upset that you didn’t call.
A previous suggestion of texting first asking if you can speak is a good one.
And you are absolutely going through this too and allowed to cray/scream/shout whatever. Your DH and relationship sounds wonderful.

ImInStealthMode · 28/01/2022 22:47

Oh OP. Thank you for sharing your story, he sounds like a wonderful man.

I know you're waiting for counselling, but is there a Maggie's Centre near you? They do great things for cancer sufferers and the people who love and care for them. Even if it's just having a brew and a chat with people who know exactly what you're going through (or having a brew in silence with them, if you prefer).

x

Georgeskitchen · 28/01/2022 22:47

Sending you strength to get through this. I was with my sister last year when she passed away in the local hospice. I held her hand and talked to her, I'm hoping she could hear me as she passed.
The staff were wonderful and so caring and compassionate x

TerriblyNaice · 28/01/2022 22:50

I'm another tightly holding your hand.

Your husband sounds such a fun guy and it must be heartbreaking to see him like this. How special to find somebody so important in your fifties.

Please remember though that while you're there for him, you need somebody to be there for you.

I don't know if this helps from some stranger on the internet, but you're both in my thoughts and will continue to be.

Workinghardeveryday · 28/01/2022 22:52

Hand to hold here too. He sounds absolutely amazing. What a lovely man xxxx

ColourMeExhausted · 28/01/2022 22:54

Holding your hand tightly OP. You've had to endure so much. You need someone to look after you, I can't even begin to imagine incredibly difficult this is for you. Call those you love. I promise they will want to help. Senfing you and your DH love and strength.

Defiantly41 · 28/01/2022 22:54

Oh bloodywhitecat I've followed your story for a while now. Sending you love and strength x

Original poster
bloodywhitecat · 28/01/2022 22:58

@saraclara

I've been there, OP. And I'm here while you're going through it.

I'm glad that you have Marie Curie nurses involved. We only had them for DH's last two nights, but that unbroken sleep...oh my, how my DDs and I appreciated that.

He waited until half an hour after the MC nurse had gone and my daughters and I (and the cat) were perched on and around his bed laughing at funny, happy memories.
I wish you and your DH a parting as good as that.

You are doing a wonderful thing for him.

Thank you Flowers I truly believe that lots of people pick their moment, my dad did similar. We were laughing at something my sister had just done when he took his last breath, my mum had just stepped out of the room and I believe he picked that moment to protect her, it is comforting to know that the last thing he heard was laughter. His passing was very peaceful.
OP posts:
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 28/01/2022 23:00

I'm here for you.

Original poster
bloodywhitecat · 28/01/2022 23:01

@ImInStealthMode

Oh OP. Thank you for sharing your story, he sounds like a wonderful man.

I know you're waiting for counselling, but is there a Maggie's Centre near you? They do great things for cancer sufferers and the people who love and care for them. Even if it's just having a brew and a chat with people who know exactly what you're going through (or having a brew in silence with them, if you prefer).

x

I think our nearest Maggie's is 60 miles away sadly as I have heard good things about them and their care.
OP posts:
Cottagepieandpeas · 28/01/2022 23:01

Thanks for sharing that lovely post about him @bloodywhitecat
It sounds like you’ve had lovely times together.

Sending love, hugs & handholds.

NannyGythaOgg · 28/01/2022 23:02

xxx

KurtWilde · 28/01/2022 23:02

@bloodywhitecat my dad picked his moment, too. He'd been on a ventilator and they didn't expect him to last very long once he was off it. He surprised them by waiting until my brother had arrived. We were sat round his bed sharing memories, laughing, prompting him to join in even though we knew he wouldn't, talking to him like he was part of the conversation.. dad, remember when..
God that's a hard memory to share.

Anyway, a tight hand hold from me. And please, please be kind to yourself. You've been a tower of strength over these past months, your DH is a lucky man.

Original poster
bloodywhitecat · 28/01/2022 23:03

@Georgeskitchen

Sending you strength to get through this. I was with my sister last year when she passed away in the local hospice. I held her hand and talked to her, I'm hoping she could hear me as she passed. The staff were wonderful and so caring and compassionate x
She could hear you Flowers, I am sure of that. I worked in a children's hospice as a carer for a while and some of the things I witnessed there tell me that hearing is the very last sense to go.
OP posts:
longtompot · 28/01/2022 23:05

It sounds such a fine line between wanting to be selfish and have him stay and not having him in pain letting him go, and not one I'd ever want to have to be in and you have my every sympathy. Seems the wrong word, but I can't think of the right one.
Be happy you met. Be happy you have those wonderful memories. I have followed a few of your threads and I am so happy you have him home as it was one of the last fights I read you were fighting.
Sending you strength for the coming days/weeks/months Flowers

PoppityBoo · 28/01/2022 23:06

A hand hold here if you need it. I can’t say I’ve experienced what you are going through now and there will be far wiser people here to help with your situation, but I’m happy to chat if you just want something to take your mind off things. Xxxx

Helenluvsrob · 28/01/2022 23:07

Hugest hugs OP. I know you IRL and you helped me at a significant point in my life.

I would if things were different leg it over to be there for you but I’m here miles away we’re MIL who is is just out if hosp post cardiac arrest and on oxygen etc. FIL isn’t doing as well as she is.

Be assured you are in my thoughts and prayers x

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 28/01/2022 23:09

Fat hand here for you. I’ve scrubbed it after an incident earlier involving a poo bag and something that looked as though it came out of a small cow…

Your love for eachother shines out of your posts flower.

I like a Midsomer Murder or a Vera. I’m sitting with a Vera now I’ve sorted out mam and dad.

I hope he has a peaceful night and I hope you’ve been managing to get some sleep yourself. 🌻

BettyBooper · 28/01/2022 23:10

Hand hold and lots of love to you. Xxx

maddy68 · 28/01/2022 23:10

Just awful times. All you can do is he strong "enough" to carry you both through this genuinely difficult time.

toomuchlaundry · 28/01/2022 23:11

A hand hold from me. I am so sorry you are going through this Flowers

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