@Mumdiva99
Mammalian nurses? What are they? Darn autocorrect.... Macmillan
That made me laugh more than you'll ever know.
Thank you all. I have put crap Midsomer Murders on and have just eaten a cornetto. I have just checked on him and he is sleeping, he seems peaceful for now.
He's a lovely man. We have only been together for five years, we met later in life (both in our mid 50s) we married last May in light of his diagnosis. No-one has a bad word to say about him, he has such a kind soul. He used to bound through the door on a Friday night and say "It's the freaking weekend baby!", then, once the babies (we are foster parents) were bathed and ready for bed he'd nip out and pick up a takeaway. Once he got back he'd pour me a drink, later on he'd run me a bath then , on Saturday morning he's make me a coffee in bed. He used to love to be active whether it be a morning shopping or mowing the grass or walking the dog, he was never one for sitting still. That's how I knew he was really poorly. One day we had gone out to walk the dog with the babies and we'd barely walked 500m when he wanted to go home. He started sleeping all the time and the weight dropped off him. He kept saying he must be dehydrated as his wee was so dark. Then he turned yellow (and our fight really started as it was at the height of lockdown and getting a GP appointment was almost impossible). They told him early on it was cancer, they just weren't sure if it was pancreatic or liver. Turns out it was bile duct cancer and in Nov 2020 he was told he had 6 months to live even with chemo, that seemed cruel seeing as he'd had half of his insides out to try to beat the disease.
He had a Whipple's then went onto chemo and all the while he held down his job and helped with the babies. Then, after a lovely day out in Nov he had a massive stroke. We knew at that point that the tumours were growing again but he was waiting to see if he was a suitable candidate for a trial, now we'll never know as they won't treat him due to the stroke.
I want to ask him not to leave me but I know he has no choice and I don't want him to try to hang on to protect me so I lay next to him at night saying "Please don't die" over and over in my head.
I have asked for some counselling from the hospice but there is a waiting list as I would prefer face to face (because I would have to focus on what was being said, I know if I have it over the phone I will have half an eye on the babies).
My daughter is coming to stay for the night tomorrow and hopefully his daughter will be here on Sunday for a night or two. Marie Curie have given us some night care which I had turned down but I accepted this week and it made so much difference. We have carers in every day and DH tends to wait for them for his personal needs rather than relying on me. He can't say "I love you" but his look and his actions tell me how much he does.