Why is it socially acceptable to bully quiet people?

[Sweetchocolatecandy]

As a generally quiet person I’ve had to suffer this all throughout my life. Even today in a training group with people I hardly know someone said ‘god you’re so quiet, can you even talk lol’ and another person agreed saying ‘you’ve said like 3 words all week’. The truth is, I really can’t stand these people so although I’m curteous and polite I’ll only talk to them about work-related matters and I can’t bring myself to join in their shit conversations that I don’t care about.

Why is it socially acceptable to bully and belittle quiet people (and it is, because this sort of thing has happened loads in front of managers and teachers in the past) but if if replied ‘why are you such a gobshite that never shuts up?’ I would probably have been taken off the floor and given a disciplinary.

How do other people respond when they get accused of being too quiet?

@Ohmygodyesthatsit

Thank you *@saraclara* i feel really attacked on mn i am chatty and the empty vessel comments and all the really personal atracks made about extroverts is really hurtful. It makes me feel so self conscious and just like i did as a child when teachers constantly told me to be quiet.

Don't you think that quieter children were made to feel self conscious when teachers constantly complained they were too quiet.

It cuts both ways.

You all sound as bad as each other to be honest - rude.

So is virtually every criticism of social interactions in society now ‘ableist’?

Also, not every single coworker has admitted to being an animal abusing drunk driver, yet she can’t stand any of them. She has judged the lot of them.

@user1497207191 i never said it didnt its the introverts who seem to think that extroverts are lauded everywhere they go, sail through school being told how wonderful and chatty they are. I am well aware ( how ever much the introverts hate to think that an extrovert can be aware of others) that quiet people get told to stop being so quiet i was just pointing out that extrovert are told to stop talking constantly as well.

Oh my word. For a start, you aren't talking to these people because you don't like them. That is not about being an introvert. And if they are picking up on that, then sure, they're not going to be very nice. And they don't sound nice anyway so it doesn't matter.

But this definition of introverts as quiet and extroverts as loud!? What is that about. Extroverts are people who enjoy, and get energy from, being out and about and around other people. Introverts are people who get energy from quieter environments and need time without people. I'm in introvert but very chatty and social and happy in social gatherings. BIL is an extrovert but quite quiet in social gatherings - he loves being around people and taking part etc, but doesn't like to say too much etc.

I fully appreciate that the world doesn't always take introverts into account or accommodate them and how frustrating that is (eg open plan offices, especially if my desk was in the middle ensured I was absolutely shattered at the end of every day when I worked in loud busy environments), but this idea that all extroverts are obnoxious, loud etc is just ridiculous. Hell, because I am an introvert, I have to be quite careful because I have a v bad habit of talking too much and too loudly because although I like being out and about, I can get a bit overwhelmed and land up being irritating!

@Sweetchocolatecandy

You can tell I’ve offended a load of extroverts on this thread

No, I don’t feel the need to join in stupid conversations with people who think it’s ok to drink-drive, be cruel to animals and who turn up late every day moaning about work and bragging about doing the bare minimum, so I don’t feel the need to associate with these sort of people just to fill in ‘awkward silences’, and if they feel the need to do all the work with me then so fuck.

I don’t mind the fact that they might think I’m weird or unsociable, just don’t call me out on it! I’m there to work and learn, not to fulfil my social life.

You need a new job. You can’t be happy there.

I don’t mind the fact that they might think I’m weird or unsociable, just don’t call me out on it! I’m there to work and learn, not to fulfil my social life.

Sometimes the only answer is to leave and get a different job. My first job was with pretty "normal" people, they weren't particularly introverted/quiet, but also not particularly loud/extraverted. There was a group of 3 of us in a pretty tiny office, and we got on well. We could go a full morning without saying more than our hellos, or we could have a quick bit of chit chat if the weather was particular extreme, or there was something unusual in that day's news, etc., but usually we didn't do much random nonsense chat or talk about what we did last night or the weekend etc. As it was my first job, I thought it was pretty normal.

However, my second job was a nightmare. Open plan office with maybe 10 people, and despite it being the same kind of work, the same kind of professional/qualified people, it was constant chit chat all day every day. That wasn't the worst of it though, because it was a larger firm, there were lots of different depts, so they did lots of socialising, i.e. pub nights, they had their own local league football team, club nights, they had a darts team, some went to dance lessons together etc. That's all fine, but they would be constantly inviting me to things which is obviously nice to be included, but they wouldn't take no for an answer, and soon the snide remarks, bullying, etc started. I lasted less than a year and just had to move on as it was soul destroying.

My third job was more like the first, another big firm, doing the same thing again, but they were, again, more what I'd call "normal" middle of the road people, where there'd be a bit of chit chat, but mostly people worked quietly and just did their job, and except for the annual Xmas meal, there was no socialising out of work, so no pressure in the office to conform, go out with them, etc. It was bliss and I stayed there for about 10 years! None of us were particularly quiet/introverted to the extreme, we'd all chat occasionally and got on really well, but ultimately, we all had our own lives outside work and mostly kept our work and home/social lives separate.

Sometimes, it does take a while of changing jobs to "find your tribe"!

I suspect I sit in the middle of these two camps.

I've been criticised in the workplace before for not speaking up enough in new meetings with new people. When joining a meeting of an established group of people I prefer to observe unless I have something really helpful or useful to say. No one likes a hobby person taking over.

But I've also been in situations with people who are quiet to the point of rudeness. We were on a group holiday some years ago (all couples, none of whom knew each other before the trip). Another couple were so bloody unfriendly, they couldn't even manage a "good morning" to their fellow travellers, and it was hell on Earth being seated with them for meals. They just glared and refused to speak.

I don't mind an introvert. But I can't bear a passive glarer.

Hobby person? Gobby person!

It sound like you're very much on the the ASD spectrum @Sweetchocolatecandy

You have all the red flags and I'm sure others must have either mentioned it to you over the years or thought it by now as you're an adult...

@CityCommuter

It sound like you're very much on the the ASD spectrum *@Sweetchocolatecandy*

You have all the red flags and I'm sure others must have either mentioned it to you over the years or thought it by now as you're an adult...

Genuine question- what are the red flags OP has shown please? Asking because I'm interested in the subject.

There are some really thoughtful and sensible answers on this thread from quieter people who accept that we aren’t all the same, especially from @Smartiepants79, @saraclara and @wishfuldogowner. I may have missed someone out here.

Then there are some posts by some extremely introverted people who feel morally superior for not “being an empty vessel that makes the most noise”. As NerrSnerr has pointed out you get rude people at both ends of the introvert/extrovert spectrum. Not all extroverts are loud and opinionated or talk drivel all day, and not all introverts are aloof and unfriendly.

that's another thing about extroverts - you need a sledgehammer to penetrate their obliviousness to others!

That’s nonsense. It might be the case with some extroverts, but not all.

Self-proclaimed introverts just look down on and think they are so superior to people who are not like them. I float somewhere in the middle but the people I know who call themselves introverts are judgemental arseholes.

Unfortunately I see a lot of comments from introverts saying words to this effect on mumsnet.

Some people don't seem to understand how hard it us for some quiet people to speak in group situations.

I agree. Fortunately my (extrovert) line manager understands this and always draws the quieter less confident people in during Teams meetings. During meetings our quieter members always nod, smile and look engaged. We accept that they are quiet and they feel accepted as part of the team, and not looked down upon because they are quiet.

Excellent post @PlasticPlantsDontDie

A few seconds of hopefully awkward silence and then “It’s really rude to make personal comments like that.” Confused look straight at them.

@FabriqueBelgique

A few seconds of hopefully awkward silence and then “It’s really rude to make personal comments like that.” Confused look straight at them.

Maybe they think it was rude of OP to ignore them and not contribute to the course for days on end.

@RampantIvy That’s nonsense. It might be the case with some extroverts, but not all.

Well, of course. I could have said 'extreme extroverts', but then it wouldn't have been an exaggeration, a caricature, a sledgehammer - as I clearly said it was.