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Original poster

Why is it socially acceptable to bully quiet people?

141 replies

Sweetchocolatecandy · 26/01/2022 20:51

As a generally quiet person I’ve had to suffer this all throughout my life. Even today in a training group with people I hardly know someone said ‘god you’re so quiet, can you even talk lol’ and another person agreed saying ‘you’ve said like 3 words all week’. The truth is, I really can’t stand these people so although I’m curteous and polite I’ll only talk to them about work-related matters and I can’t bring myself to join in their shit conversations that I don’t care about.

Why is it socially acceptable to bully and belittle quiet people (and it is, because this sort of thing has happened loads in front of managers and teachers in the past) but if if replied ‘why are you such a gobshite that never shuts up?’ I would probably have been taken off the floor and given a disciplinary.

How do other people respond when they get accused of being too quiet?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetchocolatecandy · 26/01/2022 22:32

@RampantIvy

I think Smartiepants79 has made some valid points.

I think you have the wrong end of the stick @Alayalaya. It can be quite draining to be with someone who never contributes, especially if it is a training session. I have friends and work colleagues who are quiet and introverted, but it is a comfortable and companionable silence.

However, if you are in a situation that feels completely one sided then the silence becomes strained and creates a bad atmosphere. This is when the chattier people feel that they need to fill the silence.

I get the impression from the OP that the chatterboxes find her aloof, and her dislike of them probably shows.

Maybe you’re right but I have no intention of changing or making an effort with them so maybe I just need to stop caring.
OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 26/01/2022 22:44

"But with your massive drip feed about how they are lazy drink driving animal abusers of course no one can say you are now being unreasonable hmm"

Nothing to do with it. It's just rude to say "can you even talk". If they were different people, it would still be rude.

kittenkipper · 26/01/2022 22:50

Frankly it sounds like you are as rude and unlikable as them. In a different way of course. But I'd no sooner be part of a team with lazy idiots than judgemental condescending ones. Your own description in the op and the drip feed thereafter suggests not a natural shy or retiring disposition but rather a dislike and sense of superiority over there people who are so rude and vulgar. It's rude to "call out" people who are quiet in that manner, but good god, your description of your own behaviour sets you out in no less rude a light. And that's with the bias of ownership of description

whirlycarly · 26/01/2022 23:13

None of you sound particularly pleasant tbh.

AmyFl · 26/01/2022 23:18

They sound like arseholes OP. Rude arseholes. There shouldn't be anyone who needs to "fill a silence" at work, you are there to work; it's not a social event. Sounds like they are ganging up on you, it is verging on bullying I think.

Ionlydomassiveones · 26/01/2022 23:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Lunificent · 26/01/2022 23:39

I would make a complaint about the ‘can you even talk?’ -really rude and unprofessional.

Lunificent · 26/01/2022 23:40

I don’t see the additional information as a drip feed. In the OP’s first post she said she can’t stand these people which implies she’s likely to have good reason for it.

Staffy1 · 26/01/2022 23:54

I don’t know. I have found this too. It’s almost as if being quiet or reserved offends some people or bring out the bully in them. I’ve found that they usually back off and suddenly become a lot more pleasant and friendlier when you tell them where to go, strangely. Maybe answering with why are you such a gobshite that never shuts up would do the trick.

Dogdayafternoonz · 26/01/2022 23:57

Were you pleasant? As long as you have been pleasant and haven't made others feel uncomfortable all week then just ignore any unwarranted criticism.

Ceramide · 27/01/2022 00:02

I'm a quiet type but if a more extrovert person chats in a kind and friendly way, it makes them easier to talk to. It's different to the judgy ones who think everyone ought to be 'bubbly' annoying like them.

Stravaig · 27/01/2022 00:32

A quiet chime in solidarity for how unpleasant and exhausting our extrovert-oriented world can be. It's a horrible power imbalance too - introverts don't really affect extroverts much, but extroverts create an overtly hostile world for introverts. So much human potential wasted on simply surviving each day, so many people who would flourish if we created a more introvert-friendly society.

saraclara · 27/01/2022 00:34

There's being quiet but comfortable to be around, and there's being silent and remote.

I'm an introvert, but I learned to look interested and engaged from my teens, however difficult I found it to join in conversations in a group. Then gradually faked it until I made it.

But it sounds like you were almost silent, and gave off very clear vibes that showed how little you thought of these people.

It's okay to be quiet, it's okay to be introverted, but it's not okay to be entirely selfishly disengaged, and then whinge because you're picked up on it.

RampantIvy · 27/01/2022 00:36

I agree with you @saraclara. Companionable silence is soothing and relaxing. Hostile aloofness isn't.

saraclara · 27/01/2022 00:40

I've been an introvert all my life. I'm quiet. People would occasionally comment on it when I was younger and more awkward. But I never considered it bullying.

Yes, the world is easier for extroverts, but I don't blame them for that. I see a lot of anger from introverts in mumsnet, and I don't get it. It's hypocritical to moan about extroverts judging us, while angrily judging them. They're being them, we're being us.
I'm generally grateful to them for doing the conversational donkey work so I can just smile and add little bits here and there.

GreenClock · 27/01/2022 00:41

Do they really talk about their drink driving, and hurting animals? They sound awful. I’d ignore them too and I’m an extrovert!

saraclara · 27/01/2022 00:46

@RampantIvy

I agree with you *@saraclara*. Companionable silence is soothing and relaxing. Hostile aloofness isn't.
Ha. I have a friend who's a bit socially awkward, and tried to hide it by taking a lot. We were once out for a meal together, and for a few minutes were quietly eating. He became anxious because we weren't talking.

I said "but this is lovely..we're just being silently companionable". He'd really never considered the concept of a gap in conversation as being something positive.

Even now, nearly 15 years later, he'll credit me with teaching him about companionable silence! And he's pretty good at it now.

Ohmygodyesthatsit · 27/01/2022 00:51

Thank you @saraclara i feel really attacked on mn i am chatty and the empty vessel comments and all the really personal atracks made about extroverts is really hurtful. It makes me feel so self conscious and just like i did as a child when teachers constantly told me to be quiet.

grapewine · 27/01/2022 00:52

I wouldn't make conversation with people that were rude to me either. You don't have to talk to make life easier for them, OP. No reason for those comments.

lollipoprainbow · 27/01/2022 00:52

I've had this all my life ! My dd is also quiet (ASD) and I get so fed up of the comments 'isn't she quiet' makes me cringe so much. It's totally unacceptable.

Nat94 · 27/01/2022 01:03

I suppose its survival of fittest. Quiet people are seen as weak and easy targets. If you don't speak up for yourself no one else will.

No disrespect but some people make excuses about not liking people as a way of justifying not having to interact as they lack the confidence to do so. Maybe put your barriers down and move out your comfort zone… you may find you will make friends that way.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/01/2022 01:08

Even today in a training group with people I hardly know someone said ‘god you’re so quiet, can you even talk lol’ and another person agreed saying ‘you’ve said like 3 words all week’.

The truth is, I really can’t stand these people so although I’m curteous and polite I’ll only talk to them about work-related matters and I can’t bring myself to join in their shit conversations that I don’t care about.

Well, if you’ve been on a training course and barely said three words, then you aren’t courteous and polite. And if you are sitting their despising people, they can likely tell.

It sounds like you don’t like people, and they don’t like you, which is pretty even.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/01/2022 01:09

Sitting THERE..

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/01/2022 01:12

You hate these people and think they behave badly, so you don’t talk to them. And then you’re shocked that they behave badly and notice that you don’t talk to them Hmm

They sound like garbage but you’re at work, there is something to be said for taking responsibility for creating a positive atmosphere around yourself. You sound angry and bitter and are probably emanating that powerfully.

So this isn’t a simple matter of ‘loud bullies quiet’.

TulipCat · 27/01/2022 03:01

@Grida

Most people find it hard work to make all the effort in a conversation. They are probably a bit fed up with having to put in all the work.
Absolutely. Lots of quiet people expect to be included without making any effort themselves.