Why is it socially acceptable to bully quiet people?

[Sweetchocolatecandy]

As a generally quiet person I’ve had to suffer this all throughout my life. Even today in a training group with people I hardly know someone said ‘god you’re so quiet, can you even talk lol’ and another person agreed saying ‘you’ve said like 3 words all week’. The truth is, I really can’t stand these people so although I’m curteous and polite I’ll only talk to them about work-related matters and I can’t bring myself to join in their shit conversations that I don’t care about.

Why is it socially acceptable to bully and belittle quiet people (and it is, because this sort of thing has happened loads in front of managers and teachers in the past) but if if replied ‘why are you such a gobshite that never shuts up?’ I would probably have been taken off the floor and given a disciplinary.

How do other people respond when they get accused of being too quiet?

How many people were on the course? Were they all drink drive advocating animal abusers or was just just one or two and everyone else were perfectly normal course goers?

I don't get the extroverts are bad and introverts are good narrative. Some people on Mumsnet seem to think that all extroverts are stupid and all introverts are superior but that can't be true can it?

If someone is an arsehole they're an arsehole whether they're introverted or extroverted.

I think that if the OP just wasn't doing chit chat but was being appropriately polite that's fine, as long as she was participating in the course (getting involved in group work etc, not leaving all the others to answer questions etc).

I'm an introvert too do you haven't "offended" me. I still think you sound rude. It's not easy for me either, but very rude to make no effort at all with a group you've even part of all week, no matter why you're there or what you think of them.

I'd very really embarrassed to think I'd done so badly they felt the need to comment (although that's rude too).

They wouldn’t bother me, but where do you work that people are talking about drink driving etc? Sounds a like you need a new job!! I’m quiet and introverted but I can converse and at work I have my work hat on so I do the job and converse politely with people and colleagues even in mundane chat. It wouldn’t go down well if I just sat there saying nothing for a week of training! You need to strike the balance between professionalism and being quiet/introverted report inappropriate conversations if they bother you that much.

It isn’t socially acceptable to bully quiet people. BUT, you can’t stand them? Really? Is there nothing at all you like about them?

At work you have to cooperate and collaborate with lots of different people- these are called soft skills. I am sure they have picked up on your silent dislike and aloofness. I know plenty of lovely, quiet people who are also popular- because they are nice.

Your OP would have made a lot more sense if you'd said you don't want to talk to drink-driving animal abusers. You've mistakenly labelled them extroverts rather than twats

If they're that awful, you wouldn't seek or value advice from them and there's no need to value their criticism either.

As a general point, some very quiet introverts make easy company and some are hard work. Likewise for extroverts. Some extroverts make a pleasant atmosphere and create a framework that engages people and draws them out, not all are domineering and vacuous. In the same way that some extroverts are hard work some introverts are too, where they put no input into social connections and tend to sit stony-faced and deadpan giving nothing away other than reluctant, resentful vibes. This is by no means most introverts, but if you do regularly attract comment about being quiet, it may be worth developing your social skills and the appearence of engaging and connecting more. That doesn't mean a personality transplant, just adding a few more leads into the conversation so instead of shutting down the conversation, offer a diversion on to something more interesting "no, I didn't watch Love Island, but I did watch a fascinating documentary about the Carribean. Where would you love to travel to?" Far better than replying no and looking as if you'd rather swim in a vat of cold sick (although it could be a serious consideration )

@MsTSwift

Sounds like they are picking up that you look down on them and are reacting to that.

I was going to say this. I don’t mind shy but friendly but I can’t deal with people who are clearly stand-offish. I personally would much rather someone say something a bit tactless than stand there barely saying two words and whilst I try my hardest to engage with them. And it IS really obvious when someone is thinking dark thoughts….

I’m the sort who can get on with anyone on a surface level so it’s the quiet ones I don’t trust

@IBloodyLoveMichaelJackson

You are definitely my cup of tea OP! What baffles me is that introverts accept extroverts, but extroverts just can't accept introverts and get so touchy over it. Usually because they are so bloody needy and full on. I think once opening up to the right people you are probably very interesting.

Quiet people have the loudest minds x

You've just proved my point that some introverts are just as judgemental of extroverts as they claim that extroverts are of them. To be honest I think they're more so (and I'm an introvert)

No, I don’t feel the need to join in stupid conversations with people who think it’s ok to drink-drive, be cruel to animals and who turn up late every day moaning about work and bragging about doing the bare minimum

This isn't an intro/extra vert issue, those colleagues sound awful. The fact you are quiet and they are loud is a red herring.

Ummm

If they're boasting about cruelty to animals and drink driving you need to report them to the police, their and your employer. Isn't the physical reality of that cruelty and their potential to kill through drink driving the most important issue here?

As well as being more important than your feelings, that is an entirely separate issue to whether it's ok to be rude to quiet people.

On that question, shunning people can be a form of bullying. Do you shun noisy people who are not boasting of criminal activity, in a work environment,where a modicum of polite chit chat is the accepted social norm? If so, set your own house in order before accusing others.

Be professional, expect the same from others. There is no need to be chatty or particularly friendly. There is a need to be polite.

@Sweetchocolatecandy

You can tell I’ve offended a load of extroverts on this thread

No, I don’t feel the need to join in stupid conversations with people who think it’s ok to drink-drive, be cruel to animals and who turn up late every day moaning about work and bragging about doing the bare minimum, so I don’t feel the need to associate with these sort of people just to fill in ‘awkward silences’, and if they feel the need to do all the work with me then so fuck.

I don’t mind the fact that they might think I’m weird or unsociable, just don’t call me out on it! I’m there to work and learn, not to fulfil my social life.

I mean… from your update it doesn’t sound like you are being bullied. It sounds like you don’t like them and they are sensing it and trying to work out what is going on with you.

If anything you writing about them all in such a nasty way on social media is probably worse.

As an introvert, I quite like extroverts because it means I don't need to make so much effort to get/keep a conversation going. I understand why they might not like the fact that I let them make all the effort!

@QuestionsorComments

I'm quiet too and find these situations difficult, but I'd argue if you've been in a group situation all week and have barely spoken because you don't like the people, you haven't really been "courteous and polite".

This.

I don't think it's about you just being quiet, it's about you not liking these people and it is coming across to them.

There does become a point where being quiet is impolite and it is making them feel uncomfortable. Their reaction was rude as well, but there are two sides on this one - you have to make an effort at work.

@Stravaig

Here's the thing. Extroverts are rarely silent and still long enough to create the space in which introverts can step forward. And, for all their complaints about our quietness, extroverts don't much like it when we do speak.

Extroverts are those who force themselves on others, all the time, in a thousand large and small ways. They never stop to ask themselves 'Is what I'm saying or doing necessary? Is it beneficial? Is it welcome?'

To an introvert, it's unrelenting noise and bustle, which we did not choose, and from which we cannot escape. It's an overload of low quality enviromental stimuli which have to be filtered out for a healthy life.

Of course, it's not so clear-cut, more of a continuum. I'm exaggerating and caricaturing here, because that's another thing about extroverts - you need a sledgehammer to penetrate their obliviousness to others!

I fully agree with all that. I'm content enough with a moderate amount of small talk, but really struggle with extroverts who have verbal diarrhea and start their verbal assault on your senses within nano seconds, and have told you their entire life story within minutes. It's exhausting. And yes, in groups, they don't give you a chance to contribute as they're too busy talking over each other and not listening. I tend to just zone out and leave them to it.

I far prefer being sat with, or in a group of, introverts. Contrary to what extroverts think, we don't just sit in silence, we talk properly, ie listen to the others, allow short gaps to compose our replies, etc. It's why my hobbies and voluntary work is in areas that usually appeal to quieter people, where no one judges or whinges when there is companiable silence for time periods and no one feels the need to fill the silence with talking rubbish just for the sake of it.

3 words for the whole week in group training is rude.

Not sure I'd stretch it to bullying but saying things like 'do you even speak' is certainly unkind.

That said, context is important here. You say you're on a training course -- maybe there's an element of them becoming frustrated if they don't think you've contributed much?

Their views on various subjects aren't relevant really; insofar as it has nothing to do with your quietness and their respective loudness. Plenty of quiet people hold unpleasant views and plenty of loud people hold appealing ones.

@Stravaig

Here's the thing. Extroverts are rarely silent and still long enough to create the space in which introverts can step forward. And, for all their complaints about our quietness, extroverts don't much like it when we do speak.

Extroverts are those who force themselves on others, all the time, in a thousand large and small ways. They never stop to ask themselves 'Is what I'm saying or doing necessary? Is it beneficial? Is it welcome?'

To an introvert, it's unrelenting noise and bustle, which we did not choose, and from which we cannot escape. It's an overload of low quality enviromental stimuli which have to be filtered out for a healthy life.

Of course, it's not so clear-cut, more of a continuum. I'm exaggerating and caricaturing here, because that's another thing about extroverts - you need a sledgehammer to penetrate their obliviousness to others!

Other people are ‘low quality environmental stimuli’ 😆

@debbrianna

3 words for the whole week in group training is rude.

"3 words" was what was used as an insult. Not what the OP did.

There’s being an “introvert” and just having bad social skills. The most introverted person I know (lovely shy man lives totally alone in a beautiful remote place) is a pleasure to be with socially - gentle conversation, thoughtful questions, listens, shows an interest. You can be an introvert and be great socially.

Sounds like a nightmare for the trainer!

I’ve run courses where one person is aloof/shows disdain to the rest of the group, and it’s a horrible scenario. Because that attitude is very obvious and it’s unpleasant.

Quiet folk who contribute to the course are one thing, people who scorn their colleagues and revel in splendid isolation are quite different and send out negative vibes which are impossible not to pickup on.

We all have to work with people who aren’t our cup of tea. Fostering positive work relationships is a skill and an asset.

For people you hardly know, you seem to assume an awful lot about their characters. Are they really, every single one of them, so terrible? If you aren't talking to them you'll never find the nice ones, and you will come over as arrogant, I'm afraid.

I'm introverted but I do think that on training courses etc you need to be seen to contribute, not least because the trainer may well report back to your employer. I remember once going to one of these events and sitting next to someone who was incredibly hard work: I tried some introductory chit chat, but I simply got one word answers and absolutely no effort to reciprocate, so I had to give up in the end. I didn't think she was rude, but nor did I think she was introvert - just totally inept socially.

To all those saying it’s rude not to contribute and not make an effort to converse, there are so many undiagnosed autistic adults who may come across as extremely quiet but are actually experiencing a form of selective mutism in group situations.

It is perfectly possible for someone to complete training or do their job without having to join in with general chit chat. The expectation that they have to or should make more effort is ableist.

Some introverts are black holes in training /work environments. You can be an introvert but without letting everyone else do the social 'wifework'.

@Marianne1234

Self-proclaimed introverts just look down on and think they are so superior to people who are not like them. I float somewhere in the middle but the people I know who call themselves introverts are judgemental arseholes.

I have to agree.

OP they're probably picking up on your hostility. Learn not to care if you're determined not to make an effort.

Frankly, if your colleagues are as bad as you say they are, them calling you quiet is the least of your worries. I would say you have got off lightly.