What did Mumsnet do to you?

[ThanksMN]

(Lighthearted)

What have you learned from mumsnet - good and bad?

I came here all wide-eyed and innocent with good intentions, responding to every single @ because not doing so would be like ignoring someone when they say something to you irl; standing up for random posters on threads when someone's having a go at them; replying 'you're welcome' to every 'thank you' because that's what I do irl; thinking everyone cared; feeling so shaky and scared whenever someone responded to me in the typical aggressive/disagreeable MN way, etc.

• Now, after spending yeeeaarsss on and off mn, I have to say I now have nerves of steel! So that's a positive!

• I no longer do all the others as much because I notice most people don't at all and I'm a weirdo!

• I've taken up gossiping...but only online!

• I'm now highly aware that everyone hates everything and people judge you in secret irl.

• I came here saying full words like husband, child, son, daughter, etc then felt I was being too formal and "pretentious" when everyone used DH, DD, DS, etc. I started using the acronyms here and I'm now learning that a lot of posters find them cringy. I'm not sure if to go back or continue.

• To put "lighthearted" on threads or face the wrath of the gods!

What has MN done to you?

Low carb bootcamp reversed T2 diabetics for DH and put me on path to 'finally' shed the weight which held me back

Insight into the complexities of leaving in the context of domestic violence / coercive & financial control especially with DC. A dear friend is going through this. I'm so grateful I learned something g of the background on her to have some idea of how to support her in real life. Not sure I've done brilliantly but I know I've done so much better than I have have otherwise.

https://www.asn.org.uk

Naively, I had thought we had done feminism. It was such a thing in my life after school / college in the '70s and getting a job in the '80s. Went into a make dominate area, did well and thought it was all sorted for everyone as it was for me.

Now I understand the continued, intensified threats and the Importance of sex based rights, introduced to Maya Forstater and the stuff around J K Rowling.

It has let me observe the impact of how I interact with others, esp how to adjust where I am on the scale between bracing and empathetic. I had always known that I was a bit marmite in RL, either lived of gated without quite knowing why so unable to adjust. Seeing how people reacted to my post differently to others was eye opening. I learn to show much my sympathy of a situation long before making any suggestions for improvement, if even any at all. Turns out, it's not always appropriate to tell people what they are doing wrong and how to fix it. 😀

Freedom course, the script etc

Loads of entertainment, generally and also numerous times found something to read aloud to DH to make him genuinely laugh out loud.

My constant companion, a lifeline during the lockdowns and when DH used to travel a lot.

Loads of other support. DH was working in the states. He had taken his own Sat Nav (long time ago) which kept falling off his dash board. He wanted some blu tack to stick it in place, tried a few shops with no luck. I asked on here and we learned he should ask for Elmer's tack within a few hours. Result.

More seriously, loads of other more serious things. I was put in touch with an interior designer who changed our extension place subtly with dramatic effect

My college and career choices and no DC had somewhat blinded me to how marvellous the support of like minded woman can be. I think I have got to understand that better through this marvellous place. I have made more effort to have women friends (and learned how to do that) my life has been immeasurably richer for having been able to do so.

The 'leave your worries here, we will look after them while you sleep' is just one, obvious and lovely example. Brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. It's an approach that runs 'like a bright thread' through so many of these threads.

Oh, and the importance of proofreading and that some text can't be edited.

I have learned that there are phrases you should never Google.

Oh my word, yes. It took 5 ill-advised searches with associated horrors or feeling like I needed to nudge my eyes back in my head to learn that lesson.

It's made me paranoid and is made me overthink every single interaction and thing that I say to my adult DDs.

I was so terrified of making the wrong move when my DD had my first grand child especially reading all the posts about how I shouldn't go anywhere near them for a month!

I washed up at DD's house while she was putting the baby down for a nap and was instantly reminded of posts here about how visiting mums shouldn't do anything like that and ended up apologising to her. She thought I was mad!

I think I can safely say that MN has pretty much trashed my confidence when it comes to parenting adults..I suppose I should just be grateful I have daughters. If be terrified if I had DILs!

The importance of teamwork
How to find a good cleaner etc
How to be a decent Christian
What divorce feels like really
How to revise properly too
The power of laughter
Ways to cook meals at home
About different but still interesting careers for ladies
First aid

@saraclara

It's made me paranoid and is made me overthink every single interaction and thing that I say to my adult DDs.

I was so terrified of making the wrong move when my DD had my first grand child especially reading all the posts about how I shouldn't go anywhere near them for a month!

I washed up at DD's house while she was putting the baby down for a nap and was instantly reminded of posts here about how visiting mums shouldn't do anything like that and ended up apologising to her. She thought I was mad!

I think I can safely say that MN has pretty much trashed my confidence when it comes to parenting adults..I suppose I should just be grateful I have daughters. If be terrified if I had DILs!

Always remember you are only seeing a tiny part of the picture on MN, and that people who have boringly happy relationships with their MILs don’t tend to post.

@Ereshkigalangcleg

Me too. I saw myself as more of an egalitarian than a feminist. I now appreciate the need for feminism that centres women and girls and campaigns for their rights.

YY. MN showed me how powerful female solidarity and resistance are. As encapsulated by many women's refusal to be told what to do by male people and women who put male feelings first over the trans debate, against our own interests. No site represents that better than Mumsnet.

Also taught me more respect for older women.

yes. This.

And those who declare women 'hateful' for wanting better solutions where the conflicts of the rights for females conflict with trans rights are usually those who, for what ever reason, cannot or choose not to accept that there are issues arising from these conflicts.

And they only ever resort to emotional manipulation and not actually providing anything thoughtful or evidenced to support their position.

Yes, describing this as “hate” is very strange. Protected characteristics do occasionally conflict with each other. The lengthy legal battle involving a gay couple and the owners of a Northern Irish bakery is one example that has recently been in the news. This case has raised questions about how we can respect the protected characteristics of religion and sexual orientation, plus freedom of speech.

I think society should be free to discuss these sensitive issues. I’m surprised and concerned that so many people disagree.

I think society should be free to discuss these sensitive issues. I’m surprised and concerned that so many people disagree.

And how they resort to framing those who can clearly identify and articulate the issues as being deserving of shaming. Instead of engaging and attempting to find a solution that suits all.

"Be kind" and 'you are all hateful' shows a rather closed mind in my view as do all those who hide behind mantras.

You can generally rely on getting a broad range of views on MN on pretty much anything. I like this.

I’ve learnt to have confidence in myself and my life. Like lots of people I have a tendency to worry that other people have it sorted while I am hopeless - but MN reminds me every day that actually no one has it sorted and we are all winging it in our different ways.

I learnt about grey rocks and broken records, both of which have been very helpful! And that it’s fine to set and keep my own boundaries and own dealbreakers.

This is by far the best thread I've seen on mumsnet recently and kind of reaffirms my faith in humans.

Thanks for posting OP.

Oh thank you, @NiceShrubbery! Pleased to know it's had this effect on someone.

@seekinglondonlife I tell you! As @Stormbraver99 aptly put it, I've had to type on eggshells many times. MN had me questioning so much but I've also learned a lot about myself - good and bad. Had to grow some tough skin and equally snippy bone to stay afloat and it's helped, not gonna lie!

Thank you Mumsnet, I am now too cynical for my own good.

Me too.

In RL relationships are more complicated, people can feel many conflicting things simultaneously and we have to deal with real flawed human beings.

That's true but MN helped me see some of the worst that people hide the most irl...and it ain't pretty. I include myself in this and I've been working on it.

Yes grey rock has been very useful, and I came across that here.

MN made me a feminist. I didn't even agree with abortion before joining MN. Of course my own life experiences including my own pregnancies and just growing up has shaped my beliefs too but MN has had a big influence. Now i will unequivocally defend any woman's right to have an abortion, as late as necessary.

And while I had read books about feminism before joining MN I was definitely more lib fem which tbh I barely consider feminist at all now.

I can also spot a mans voice here in a flash. Women and men have such different writing styles. The women here are funny, sharp witted, often self deprecating, usually kind if blunt. Men tend to write long, pompous, tedious waffle, often in the third person, about themselves and wanting advice on how to change their wives. It never seems to occur to them that if they want to change their wives response to them, they might want to look at their own behavior first.

There is a sort of “now, look here!” tone used by some men that’s very noticeable, even in writing. Some men don’t use it, though.

Just how much wonderful support there is for women in difficult situations. I’m in awe of posters who write, at length, heartfelt and wise responses to a stranger. There’s care in their words. It’s made me feel less alone.

MN has given me so much, and I'm only sorry that it was not around when my DC were small. However, the years I've been here it has been a lifeline.

I've learned how there is still abject poverty, mostly endured by women with children. I've learned that the wealth divide is vast and unbreachable, but that being able to 'see' to the other side is vital. I've learned that it is not so easy to LTB, just because it is glaringly obvious that you should. I've learrned to be a better MIL, and hopefully, a better DM to my adult DC.

I've laughed and cried, and spent way too much time on here. I've worried about posters going to bed and first thing on waking. I've mourned for strangers, and their pain.

I'm proud to be part of this anonymous nest of vipers. It has become a friend in a time when I've much needed one.

MN has helped me realise I'm not stupid, useless, and lazy - I have ADHD. I've struggled with the simplest things my whole life but I don't have to anymore.

@SmellyOldOwls

I can also spot a mans voice here in a flash. Women and men have such different writing styles. The women here are funny, sharp witted, often self deprecating, usually kind if blunt. Men tend to write long, pompous, tedious waffle, often in the third person, about themselves and wanting advice on how to change their wives. It never seems to occur to them that if they want to change their wives response to them, they might want to look at their own behavior first.

And it's usually about how to elicit more sex from their wives, too.

It starts off innocently enough, but sure enough, the mask slips and they basically want her to put out.

I genuinely find that attitude sickening, because it's a microcosm of misogyny; and how it demonstrates the 'support human' attitude that so many men have towards women.

The FWR board is an absolute godsend and as i read from a poster t'other day, many of us could write a thesis on a particular subject.
I know I bloody could and that's all because of Mumsnet.

PS - i hate dogs. 👍

Yeah, women posting here NEVER want to change their husbands

And you have no idea how many men you've missed because they just post like anyone else.

And you have no idea how many men you've missed because they just post like anyone else.

Yes, it's like the evil MILs/DILs, appalling DH's (and occasionally DW's) behaviour - all of the (majority) decent/normal/non-crazy ones blend in or just don't get mentioned.

I never used emojis before - and still never do - except on MN. I really can't see the need for them elsewhere; but they just seem so fitting here.

Loving the comment upthread about some people picking fights with their own reflections!!

MN has also opened my eyes as to just how many people have cars (and driving licences), but are routinely frightened to drive them.

Also the number of people who are terrified to poo (or fart) where there's the remotest chance that somebody else might discover that they are a human and sometimes need to poo (and fart).

And the CFs, shameless and stingy people and general outrageous behaviour that so many people have experienced. They make smashing reading(!), but must be horrible if they're in your life and can't easily be removed.

I learned a useful trick: make your tongue write Fuck You on the roof of your mouth if you're enduring a lecture from a tosser, about to get into a fight with your teenager or if your MIL is annoying you.