Help me (gently!!) out of a frightening rut, need a back to work solution.

[averypoormummy]

I’m a married mum to 3 DC 14, 12 and 9 and haven’t worked since pregnant with my 1st 15 years ago...

On paper this probably looks terrible but my DH is in the forces and we have not only spent most of our DC’s lives moving around but DH has also had some sort of Deployment, course etc most years and with my youngest still in primary school it’s always felt better to have one parent always here as a constant.

DH is on a good wage but we have a lot of outgoings and have paddled for while and are now struggling financially to keep up and it’s affecting the mood and know my DH is really feeling the pressure.

The above seems so black and white and of course the solution is for me to find a job but the bleakness and weight off doing so is feels like it’s actually crushing me.

I’ve never been a social butterfly and have always preferred my own company but could happily have a coffee/glass of wine with a neighbour, bump into a friend on the school run and chat away half an hour and articulate myself at a meeting.

Since moving to our present posting however things have changed, I’ve really changed.

We are very rural and have been for the last few years (think cattle grids, a village post office and a mile long welly stomp for a loaf of bread or a doctor) my DC all get a school bus and I don’t drive and other than the dog I have no reason to leave the house, it’s left me feeling very acrophobic and I now outwardly go out my way to avoid social contact, unless at the weekend with my DH for support. A phone call or a knock at the door can trigger my anxiety and I’ve learnt all sort of tricks, timescales to avoid bumping into or speaking to people I know.

As awful as this sounds, (and looks written down) it hasn’t felt it. I love to potter, bake, go for a walk, clean, plan meals, garden etc and with a bit more socialising at the weekends with DH and with DC’s clubs etc it feels like a very lovely life until the thought of stepping outside it and into the real world which makes my heart sink!

The practicality's are not helping either, not driving, no family, having children that start school in different directions, one of which still in primary school and needs me to be there to see her off and pick her up.

My DH is not likely to deploy but he still has 24 hour duties a handful of times a month and often will come in, as he did today and say he has to work away for a week next month, I’m generally not sure how to juggle it all and on top if all not sure how receptive employers will be to my 15 year gap with no chance of getting hold of references etc.

DH and I have a great marriage but for some reason I can’t seem to talk to him about this because he feels I’m just making excuses and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest every time he brings it up (and yes I probably am hiding behind a few solvable hurdles!)

I’m not sure what I want from this post, a hand hold, a kick up the bum a really good working from home solution or maybe someone that has felt similar and found a way to get out of it, any advice would be welcomed.

I'm short sighted and astigmatic, too. I drive. There are opticians who do glasses for that. Learning to drive will widen your horizons, build independence and physical confidence.

Build your social confidence too. Do every social event you can to get back into interacting with others.

And build online confidence.

Chances are, you are really good at something. You have a skill, knowledge, experience that others might pay for.

Zoom was a lifeline for so many over lockdown and has continued to be a real option.

What could you help others with? What are you great at, live doing, been there done that, made the mistakes, learned the ways?

EG - How to be a young military wife and mother. What they don't tell you.

Social media is a great place to market.

Can you look at online courses and volunteering to get some experience and a reference. You could volunteer at a child’s activity maybe.
Lots of business are wfh. Have a look on your local council job vacancies.

A lot of remote working requires a lot of text based interaction - Teams/zoom/slack/jira chat, email - and some phone/video. For me working full time about 50-60% is on video calls and then I'd always have my chats open (they replace the people popping to ask a quick questions). But for my junior admin it's more like 10-15% video calls and the rest is desk based with chats open. Just as in a f2f office they'd mostly be at their desks and I'd spend too much time in meetings

Why are you suddenly struggling financially after all these years? Have you had an in depth look at your finances outgoings and incomings to the penny for the year. I had to do this when I was alone with 4 kids and my.mortgage fix was coming to an end.
It was surprising how little we could manage perfectly well on when I got rid of lots of trivial spends. Re doofed phone contracts etc.

Maybe you could apply to be a night carer at a nursing home....

@CarrotVan thank you, that’s exactly what I’m looking at just now and have been suggested a few companies, clear voice etc and going to sign up to them after lunch.

Thank you to everyone with all these suggestions, I’m actually feeling a lot more positive about it.

First things first I need to get myself a laptop as I only use phone/iPad and seems most companies work though windows and with a webcam.

Poor OP, I feel bad for you all of these posters coming and telling you to get glasses!

Its not possible for everyone to correct their vision with glasses or lenses enough to be able to drive. An optometrist further up the thread has confirmed this.

Also loling at people saying they are severely short sighted with prescriptions of -8 or -10.

I think you should buy (so to speak!) yourself some time as going from 15 years of relative isolation and not working to a job in one swoop is likely to ramp up the anxiety. How can you reduce your outgoings? Smaller car? Sell some clobber? Get rid of any subscriptions you're not using? Family challenges to do free things?

Also, it doesn't look "terrible" that you've been a SAHM so long and your DH shouldn't say you're making excuses. You've contributed so much to the family unit and with your DH being in the forces you've allowed him to have a family and climb the career ladder without days off because your kids are sick or doing wraparound childcare etc. He needs to realise he's likely only contributing a good wage to a fanily because you helped him.

www.amazon.co.uk/Could-Anything-Only-Knew-What/dp/B004YKSYNM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@averypoormummy Many years ago, I found myself in a similar position. I couldn't drive because my eye muscles packed up after short periods of time. Anyway, I found this book very helpful. Sometimes you have to make the world come to you. Best of luck

Interestingly my anxiety only seems to be triggered with making small talk with people that I know, in a passing sort of way, so school gates, bumping into neighbours, someone suggesting that we do something out with a comfort barriers (which believe it or not even with my awful social skills seems to happen quite often) I worry for the judgement and over analysis of our conversation, not valid enough, not clever enough, too loud, not enough eye contact, non friendly and then in turn that leads to a crippling anxiety of rejection of further encounters...

Even though, I must add, this has never been a thing and have no idea where the anxiety comes from.

People that I know well I don’t have any problem with making small talk with but I wouldn’t want to push that to a deeper friendship, I’m very good at keeping acquaintances as a friendly arms length as I again would be far too worried about the anxiety of doing something socially wrong and then the aftermath and rejection of that.

People I don’t know are no problem at all because I don’t have to worry about any of those emotions and I’m definitely happier with the whole “why worry you probably won’t see that person ever again” approach to life.

I don’t think you can really use the army as an excuse, especially as your children are all well past starting school. I work and so do all of my friends.

I work as a Parish Clerk, it’s basically completely flexible apart from a few evening meetings a month. I could work in the job I have qualifications for and get paid more but choose not to at the moment. My husband was deployed for 11 months last year, I use babysitters for evening meetings.

There is an army trial for free wrap around care for forces family also, hopefully this will role out soon.

It seems like a very poor choice for someone in your situation - it's almost as if you are trying to sabotage your own chances of making any changes? There's a sort of - dear me, if only X, Y and Z then I could work, make friends, improve our finances but I have all these obstacles in my way so I can't do anything - except that you seem to have deliberately created some of these obstacles yourself

Have to agree with this. Personally my comment about contacts wasnt about driving, it was in relation to them being very expensive and an ongoing payment which isn't actually necessary - you can buy nice glasses very cheaply on the internet these days. A quick Google says the cost of contact lenses typically ranges from £25-55 a month. If the op doesn't think that's a lot of money then she's probably not actually struggling for money. But i can see why her husband wants her to get a job if they have no assets, and no long term plan. He's probably very concerned about the future.

could you look at dog walking if you like animals and are willing to do a few things (animal first aid etc.)?

one thing I found when we lived rurally is there weren't many options if we wanted someone to walk the dogs. You'd have to limit it to where you could walk to given you don't drive but that might give you some income without too much stress on your part

@ZoeTheThornyDevil

Bloody hell, so your financial position really is bad if you are struggling financially with heavily subsidised accommodation.

You haven't responded to comments about learning to drive; why? In practical terms, you will probably need to drive to work if you are in as rural an area as you say.

Do you need to be quite that blunt? She's already said she's anxious, why put the boot in?

So I don’t drive and might as well live rurally as public transport is shocking here. I also have 3 dc. I was stuck in a rut as well and didn’t want to go back to my former job. I started applying for lots of work from home jobs and I also started volunteering for a charity from home answering emails and sometimes the helpline. I got a good work from home job within a month of starting looking. It can be done! When you start looking you’ll be surprised at what’s out there

I'm going to do the MN sin of not RTFT (although I have read all of OP posts). Have you thought about one of the roles you do from home which is a bit like a PA - basically sorting out people's life admin. Booking appointments, staying on hold for them etc. I guess it doesn't pay that well but might be a good way back into work and I'm sure you have the skills for that after raising a family, having to relocate etc. Good luck OP.

What sort of rural are you? There's a lot of farms that would love to have a bit of help.

Eg I employ a couple of local ladies as relief staff. They cover my regular staff holidays. Most shifts are 7-12 or 9-2. It works brilliantly for them and us.

Good luck

I don't understand how you think are so isolated if you can walk into a town in half an hour? Thats a school run walk for plenty of families, or a walk to work or the shops if you live in a town or city say, its not far. Where is your money going, are there huge debts, who is spending too much/ why are you not living within your means? Have you sat as a family to do a monthly incoming/outgoings and budget?

OP as others have said there is a lot of work you can do from home with an internet connection. You could then look at getting outside a bit more on weekends with your family or for exercise rather than working out of the house. Even a small change like that will make a big difference to your confidence. Some of us are naturally homebodies and you don't need to change everything about your life, tiny adjustments add up.

Most companies supply a work laptop op

@averypoormummy

Unfortunately driving is not an option due to eyesight, I wear contact lenses but terribly short sighted.

How bad OP? I'm -10.5, which is appalling, but can still happily drive with lenses

Find something that is entirely remote to do.

I also think you are making excuses re: eyesight

@SilverHairedCat

Phone SSAFA for a chat. They might be able to help.

Can you learn to drive now your a bit more static?

That's what I was about to suggest, in my experience of living in a military environment there is more, quicker and better support available.

OP irrespective of work you need to get some help with your anxiety. Please make a GP appointment to discuss this.

I’d suggest looking at a few different ways of improving your situation financially and emotionally, possibly not all at once.

1.GP

1. Consider some volunteering. Maybe at one of your DC’s schools, in a charity shop, walking dogs for the elderly. Something you’d usually enjoy even if it feels daunting initially.
2. Look at doing some short courses. There are dozens on platforms like Futurelearn. Free.
3. Check whether you might be able to access any financial help due to your eyesight. Indeed get an up to date assessment by a really good optometrist. Some councils will provide free bus passes for the visually impaired. There may be other assistance available too. Unfortunately you usually have to find out about it yourself unless others can advise (not necessarily the same in every area).

Just a few ideas but just start by getting out a bit more. Small steps.

Could you look into online working which would allow you to work from home?

I’m incredibly short sighted, plus have vitreous degeneration. Plus I’m now long sighted with age 🙄🤣
I drive
I go to an optician who gives me an accurate prescription so that I am legal to drive.
I have verifocals to drive
Different verifocals to do my hobby and general round the house
Cheap reading classes
Plus cheap short sighted for using with binoculars
I used to wear contacts- can’t any more with my prescription. When I did and was working I had verifocals contacts, plus used reading glasses or short sighted prescription over the top for more specific tasks that the verifocals “compromise” did not do sufficiently well.
So, unless you have another serious eye condition you can get glasses and learn to drive
Seems like you’re finding excuses and buts to most peoples suggestions.
You can always give yourself reasons for not doing something and making a change. Thats comfortable. It eliminates fear of the unknown
But if you have financial isssues you have to take responsibility to force yourself in small steps outside your comfort zone