Help me (gently!!) out of a frightening rut, need a back to work solution.

[averypoormummy]

I’m a married mum to 3 DC 14, 12 and 9 and haven’t worked since pregnant with my 1st 15 years ago...

On paper this probably looks terrible but my DH is in the forces and we have not only spent most of our DC’s lives moving around but DH has also had some sort of Deployment, course etc most years and with my youngest still in primary school it’s always felt better to have one parent always here as a constant.

DH is on a good wage but we have a lot of outgoings and have paddled for while and are now struggling financially to keep up and it’s affecting the mood and know my DH is really feeling the pressure.

The above seems so black and white and of course the solution is for me to find a job but the bleakness and weight off doing so is feels like it’s actually crushing me.

I’ve never been a social butterfly and have always preferred my own company but could happily have a coffee/glass of wine with a neighbour, bump into a friend on the school run and chat away half an hour and articulate myself at a meeting.

Since moving to our present posting however things have changed, I’ve really changed.

We are very rural and have been for the last few years (think cattle grids, a village post office and a mile long welly stomp for a loaf of bread or a doctor) my DC all get a school bus and I don’t drive and other than the dog I have no reason to leave the house, it’s left me feeling very acrophobic and I now outwardly go out my way to avoid social contact, unless at the weekend with my DH for support. A phone call or a knock at the door can trigger my anxiety and I’ve learnt all sort of tricks, timescales to avoid bumping into or speaking to people I know.

As awful as this sounds, (and looks written down) it hasn’t felt it. I love to potter, bake, go for a walk, clean, plan meals, garden etc and with a bit more socialising at the weekends with DH and with DC’s clubs etc it feels like a very lovely life until the thought of stepping outside it and into the real world which makes my heart sink!

The practicality's are not helping either, not driving, no family, having children that start school in different directions, one of which still in primary school and needs me to be there to see her off and pick her up.

My DH is not likely to deploy but he still has 24 hour duties a handful of times a month and often will come in, as he did today and say he has to work away for a week next month, I’m generally not sure how to juggle it all and on top if all not sure how receptive employers will be to my 15 year gap with no chance of getting hold of references etc.

DH and I have a great marriage but for some reason I can’t seem to talk to him about this because he feels I’m just making excuses and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest every time he brings it up (and yes I probably am hiding behind a few solvable hurdles!)

I’m not sure what I want from this post, a hand hold, a kick up the bum a really good working from home solution or maybe someone that has felt similar and found a way to get out of it, any advice would be welcomed.

Everyone saying "learn to drive!" - do you know how expensive driving lessons are now? My DS just passed his test 🥰 but his lessons were £50 each. Gulp!

We spent around £1500 on his lessons, plus test. It's not cheap.

I can drive but hate driving, and have had a successful freelance career working 90% from my sofa house.

It''s a big change. You are just feeling anxious which is totally normal. Have a look on some remote working job sites for admin work if you have typing skills. This could fit in well with family life too. Is anyone at your kids school in the same position who you could talk too and who could provide some support.

You don't need a kick up the bum you need some support to improve your mental health and self esteem.

Not that long ago I had 8 months were I didn't leave the house on my own. It took a lot of work to even get in my back garden.

I know how you feel. It can get better. However, I've had to come to terms with the fact I'll always have to manage this.

Would the local shop sell any of your baking and/or could you sell any baking that would post and sell online, e.g. a soda loaf or lemon drizzle? That might be a gentle first step to getting you interacting with people again.

You’ve crossed all your Ts and dotted your Is in your posts. Is copy editing something that might be of interest? Could you look into qualifying in something in that direction? Then that would highly likely be working from home.

Just some brainstorming ideas. As others have said, you won’t grow if you don’t step out of your comfort zone. But you can still do things that make you happy while you figure it out.

And yes, if you’re staying put then do speak to the GP just to make sure how you’re feeling doesn’t take any further steps in the wrong direction. One day you’ll likely be posted elsewhere and you need to be able to deal with that when the time comes.

The first thing g you need to do is pick yourself up off the floor and learn to drive as a number one priority. Then you will be able to start looking for a part time job while the kids are at school and your world will completely change. There is no excuse for not being able to drive. Book your first lesson today.

Have you thought about doing something like bookkeeping from home? You can do ICB courses that will enable you to work self employed.

@waddlemyway thank you, I’m looking at these kind of roles today. My English is fairly good and hopeful that would help with any/some remote work.

It's all fine and well working from home but it sounds as if you have more serious problems here . It's not normal to want to stay at home and only go out if with your H. Were you like this on previous postings or is this something that has grown ? You do need to see or speak to a GP who can possibly prescribe something and sign you up for some online therapy. You didn't answer the question about children's activities when your H is away ? What happens ?

Hello OP. I moved to somewhere very rural two years ago and I don’t drive either. I’ve really had to rely on my husband, and neither of us is very keen on that, so I am taking lessons. It’s a long slog - average number of lessons these days is around 40, all the instructors are booked up and I’ve had to wait 6 months for a test date. But I’ve finally got a test booked for April and I can’t wait to pass. It’s expensive and logistically difficult when you’re rural, but so worthwhile doing. Please do it for your independence and for piece of mind.

On the job front, I would avoid working from home, because you will be tied to a chair in your own home which after years of being in control of your day might be difficult.

If you live rurally, could you do holiday cottage cleaning? It would just be you there so not much communicating to do. You’d need that driving license though.

One thing I know about anxiety (from family experience) is that you can’t pander to it. I don’t want to sound harsh, but if you make allowances for yourself it will get worse. You need to push your boundaries a bit, but one step at a time. Good luck!

Ive just reread and said it is this location . Even more reason to be speaking to someone .

Have a look on the £10 a day board on here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/4443773-Earn-10-A-Day-Jumping-Into-January-2022?pg=1 all legit work from home opportunities. I applied for a few companies in 2019 and now make about £900-£1000 a month working part time from home in school hours and the stuff I do is quite a bit over minimum wage.
I must say it won’t help the agoraphobia though. I also have that and the change from working outside the home to working alone whilst easier has made going out more daunting. I had some self guided CBT through first step which in many areas is by self referral so you could try looking at that online?

Could you do some work from home, like writing or admin or transcription, something like that? It is tricky and low-paid to get started but once you have some experience it gets easier. It won't bring in a full time wage but might be enough?

Or some kind of crafting that you can do from home, e.g. selling stuff online. Again not a massive earner, it depends how much money you need to be making.

Sorry just realised first step is just north of England but you can find mental health support for your area without needing a GP referral here www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

Your life sounds heavenly to me OP! Sorry not helpful! But I think I'd feel similar in your situation... I think a lot of people would. I'm sure you could find something where you WFH and very autonomously.... there's so many jobs like that now.

How about beating for a nearby partridge/pheasant shoot? It's the back end of the season now but something to consider for the next season. I was in a similar position to you ... stuck in a bit of a rut and very isolated work wise and socially , and it has been brilliant for me - good exercise, banter, meeting different people from students to retired professionals, SAHMs, agricultural contractors, etc, and about £60 a day. Thoroughly recommend it.

I’d really consider if working from home is going to help, in the long run - it sounds like finding a way to reintegrate into society would be beneficial, and working from home allows you to avoid that.

I’d also consider how good you are going to be at selling yourself. I know a lot of people who do marketing, social media, PR for themselves. They’re great but it’s primarily a sales role, especially in the early years, you need to be finding clients, retaining them, and finding new ones. It takes a while, for most businesses, to be at the stage where you aren’t pitching yourself. I’ve seen a lot of friends find that massively difficult, and it hits their confidence hard. I’m self employed and love it, but the first part was hard.

Lionbridge and that type of work could be a great first step as you don’t need to find your own work; you accept assignments, but I’d really think about a longer term plan too. It doesn’t have to be going back to nursery nurse work. Depending on how qualified you were; you might be able to make and sell lesson plans, for example? I know two old nursery room managers who do that full time now.

Is there anything relating to DCs hobby that you could do, even temporarily just to find your feet somewhere you feel safe already?

But honestly; as someone who has been in a similar position albeit years ago… reintegrating yourself will be worth the effort. You have half a life without it, however much it doesn’t feel like that at the time.

You mentioned your H had mental health problems - were these dealt with by work? He should be understanding of your situation.

I see why you can't drive, although that is a hugely limiting factor for you, so I'm not going to labour that point!

Do you have a bicycle? You can get ones with electric motors now to assist when tired/going uphill - might get you out and about a bit more when you're feeling up to it.

Aside of that, I agree that working from home is going to be your best option, especially since you've gone right off people!

Good luck - am interested in some of the links people have provided you with myself.

I'm sorry, I have no suggestions, but just wanted to say that I feel for you.
What may be a relatively easy choice for some, is like a mountain for others

DH left the army last year so I have some insight, but he managed to keep his posting and so I didn't have to give up a job to move with him.

It was a bit upthread, but you said that "everything goes into the DC". Do you mean financially? You also reference the kids' hobby; I'm not sure if, reading between the lines, it's an expensive pastime with high operating costs.

If that is the case, is there something you can do that might reduce or offset costs? Something like volunteering for the club, admin, looking for (maybe even dealing in) secondhand kit. You suggest that the hobby is somewhat of a safe space for you, and so that might be a good springboard to help build your confidence and experience before you consider paid work.

It's going to be a long road and you're going to have to say "yes" to something soon if you want to change your life. You've started with making this thread, now build on that momentum even if the next step seems small or you feel ambivalent about it right now. If you keep doing that, that's how you'll get out of this quagmire.

Be aware OP that I WFH at the moment for the majority of the time, however that does not mean I don't interact with people. VC meetings, IM messages, ad hoc video calls etc. Just something to keep in mind.

Its way too big a jump from your current life straight into a job, so slow and steady is key. Otherwise you risk frightening yourself so much you never try it again. I agree you need to engineer more opportunities to talk to people as a first step. After that I'd strongly recommend volunteering. Even rural areas would surely have charity shops, food banks, citizens advice, relate, samaritans where you could offer your services. You can't beat it for bridging the gap between home based life and paid work. You get a chance to update and learn skills and the environment is usually supportive.

Just coming on more for support around the not driving thing, my eyesight is exactly the same. Ive lost count of the number of people who have told me to just memorise number plates at the test centre as if encouraging people with poor eyesight to drive is a good thing, and I get asked multiple times a year by relatives when I am finally going to learn yo drive as if I just cant be bothered. So you hsve my synpathies.

I am in a skmilar position, live rurally, no bus etc and I recently retrained into a data role because there are a lot of wfh jobs. So look at things like data analyst, bi developer, data engineer etc. You said that you are good with figures so it could be a good fit for you. There are also companies aiming courses at hetting women into tech so its quite a supported area at the moment

You say your husband is getting frustrated at 'excuses'I would be tempted to point out that you have facilitated his work life and children for the last x years patiently and you suggest he exercises some patience at this point. He cant expect you to immediately walk into a role which will still facilitate his work lifestyle after such a long career break.

Loads of companies are recruiting remote workers. Not being able to leave the house isn't a problem if you have high quality broadband.

DH works in IT project and product management. He works remotely, 200 miles from head office, with developers in eastern europe and clients all over the UK.

If you aren't frontline you can work from home in loads of white collar jobs. I've only been to the office 5 times in two years and only once met the team I manage in person. I hired one admin person because she had a really good blog with high readership and I needed her to kick start communications activity. The blog was nothing to do with the content of her work with us. Leverage your skills and look for remote working opportunities. There are loads of piece work/gig economy things around but you might be better with the stability of a salaried role.

Think about what skills you have that you can sell.

And having done it - any craft business pays peanuts and is bloody hard to get going (and the tax side is a PITA) plus it can ruin doing what you love. That being said if you can knit/crochet well and can design and write patterns then several magazines do open call submissions and pay £50-300 per pattern with rights reverting back to you after a period so you can self publish on Ravelry/Patreon/own website. For commissioned work you get sent the materials so there's very limited outlay

@AlbertBridge

Everyone saying "learn to drive!" - do you know how expensive driving lessons are now? My DS just passed his test 🥰 but his lessons were £50 each. Gulp!

We spent around £1500 on his lessons, plus test. It's not cheap.

I can drive but hate driving, and have had a successful freelance career working 90% from my sofa house.

Yes. £53 here. Currently learning so right now as a single mother know just how valuable it is and how life changing it is especially here where bus fares are through the roof and it’s cheaper to pay to park AND pay petrol.