Jeez! Performance parenting is driving me insane!

[ChilledFizz]

Has anyone else noticed a performance parenting epidemic going on?

I know we all ham it up sometimes, but honestly this competitive, virtue signalling parenting seems to be turning into the norm.

The other day I had to wait in the reception area at school with some other parents and one lady read a story aloud to occupy her toddler while we were waiting.

It was a bit annoying because I couldn't help but follow the story haha...but it really wasn't performance parenting...completely acceptable and normal.

I'm sure she really wasn't in the mood to read a little story to a bunch of adults haha

I think there's a difference....normal interactions usually go pretty much unnoticed just like walking past two adults having a normal conversation, the tone and behaviour indicates it's just between those two

Performance parenting is overly loud, dramatic and attention grabby

On the contrary coming across an instance of PP makes my day

Unfortunately this thread which should be full of juicy examples has been taken over by the offended lacking in nuance

Yes! 😆

I did it once on a train trying to be worthy mum “look at the sheep darling look at the cows” etc dd1 then aged about 3 or 4 can’t remember said quietly “can you stop talking now please mummy” 😁

Enjoy it while you can. It’s cured entirely by having teens 😁

@Letsallscreamatthesistene. No worries, I'll sort it out - we wouldn't want to upset anyone (by jumping or reading stories or breathing or anything).

I used to use duct tape, which worked a treat, but then someone mentioned a parenting course...We could give it another go though.

@MsTSwift

I did it once on a train trying to be worthy mum “look at the sheep darling look at the cows” etc dd1 then aged about 3 or 4 can’t remember said quietly “can you stop talking now please mummy” 😁

Enjoy it while you can. It’s cured entirely by having teens 😁

😂😂😂😂

Some posters are wilfully misunderstanding.

I've now discovered where the performance parents hang out!

I talked to my kids a lot, we had loads of visits to interesting places and of course we'd talk about what we saw. My eldest especially was big on asking questions about pretty much everything she saw, anywhere, so we talked a lot. But I did so quietly, and encouraged indoor voices from my kids too. I avoided drawing attention to ourselves because other people are going about their own business, and maybe want a bit of peace, and anyway, it was our conversation, not anyone else's.

I find it intensely irritating when parents use very carrying voices to demonstrate to the rest of us that they're such amazing parents to their highly intelligent children.

Anyone who's not come across them can count themselves lucky. And of choose there are certain areas of the country where they're much more numerous.

Of course, even.

My DH used to be guilty of performance parenting our PFB, I think it was a combo of wanting to show everyone how amazing our DC was and being really proud that he'd managed to figure out parenting. On one memorable occasion...

DH: Oh look, Isla! Balls! Shall we count them?
I: ...
DH: Let's count them in twos! Even numbers are your favourite aren't they?
I: ...
DH: I'll start, two, what's the next even number Isla? You can do two add two easily
I: poo-poo
DH: Two add two you're really good at addition
I: Daddy's a poo-poo

He's stopped now 😃

@EveningOverRooftops

Me and dc had a discussion on quantum mechanics and friends 8yo was asking questions in a very WTAF are you in about way. We got some looks. But we also get looks when she tells people to fuck off and us to fuck off and that everyone is a fucking bitch (PDA if you’re curious, Mine is add)

DC can only engage in conversation when walking so we have all kinds of weird conversations when out and about.

You should hear us when we discuss the finer points of socialism, capitalism, Marxism and communism.

If getting your child engaged in the wider world is a performance I am guilty as charged. Shame so many adults are not as engaged with difficult topics especially with their kids. We probably wouldn’t have this epidemic of apathy and wilful ignorance.

Another one completely not getting it. Fwiw I sped my life explaining all sorts to DD8. Since she learned to talk it's been like living under permanent interrogation. This, as explained multiple times, is not what's being discussed

My dad used to love jumping puddles with us kids, kicking leaves, going on swings, climbing trees. He also sang a lot in public Now I do the same with mine - including singing. Shoot me. Least they'll have some fun memories of me one day like I do of my dad.

[quote 3mealsaday]@Letsallscreamatthesistene. No worries, I'll sort it out - we wouldn't want to upset anyone (by jumping or reading stories or breathing or anything).

I used to use duct tape, which worked a treat, but then someone mentioned a parenting course...We could give it another go though.[/quote]
Dont be a dick. You mentioned playinf floor is lava, which involves leaping about on chairs and jumping around. Reading stories is entirely different.

I dont really understand why you cant, a) see the difference between the two, b) understand whats appropriate and where and c) why your being snarky.

I think that 90% of the time, it isn't performance parenting; it's the opposite. It isn't showing off, but being insufficiently aware of other people finding you loud and possibly disturbing. And yes, to some extent people have 'forgotten' some of their social skills and social awareness during lockdown.

Also, people have become more accustomed to meeting outdoors, which is a good thing in many ways; but can lead to situations where people are expecting 'indoor voices' where others are using 'outdoor voices' either because, well, they're outdoors, or because they've got used to being outdoors.

Not everything that people do , even things that may be annoying or inconsiderate, is done for the sake of an audience.

In any case, I'd rather see a parent interacting too loudly with their child (I'm not talking about loud scoldings and quarrels, obviously) than ignoring their child.

It is the language lessons while shopping with toddlers brigade that amuse me.

"Lulu, qu'est-ce que c'est......Lulu, what is this"

"Bum"

"It's a G-R-A-P-E-F-R-U-I-T......what is it?......En français.......Qu'est-ce que c'est?

"Bum"

No no......En français......pamplemousse....PAMPLEMOUSSE

"Bum"

Lulu.....what colour is the banana? De quelle couleur est la banane?

"Bum"

@Avarua

Yeah I hate it when people maximise their kids' language acquisition, providing the foundation for their future learning.

There's always one who can't tell the difference between normal chatting to a child and .....

LOOK Tabitha! There's a cormorant! Now, remember what the Latin is for Cormorant? Yes Tabitha! It's Blackus Seabirdius!! Aren't you clever. Oh lool Tabitha, there's an aeroplane! Remember our lesson yesterday about thrust and jet propulsion?

And on and on and on for hours while Tabitha picks her nose and everyone else in earshot plots innovative ways to murder Tabitha's parent.

Also, people have become more accustomed to meeting outdoors, which is a good thing in many ways; but can lead to situations where people are expecting 'indoor voices' where others are using 'outdoor voices' either because, well, they're outdoors, or because they've got used to being outdoors.

Performance parenting isn't a Covid thing. My kids are in their 30s now, and my late husband and I used to roll our eyes at performance parents back on the 90s. I think it started when the importance of early years and parents as educators became a thing, along with the parenting gurus like Penelope Leach and their books*.

Peak performance parenting quantity for us was on holiday in the Dordogne in the early 90s. We could barely hear a French lesson for all the very carrying middle class English voices performance parenting their kids!

*I'm a teacher and was a devotee of PL, so totally in favour of both things. But I didn't feel the need to make sure everyone around me knew I was encouraging my kids language and interests.

My sons dad also used to do this allllll the time! As soon as he could talk he did tell him to be quiet and stop going on as it's very annoying 🤣

We have another dad who lives close by and I can hear him performance parenting from 5 gardens away, last summer he was really going for it until his son hit him with a tennis racquet. He swore and we all burst out laughing

He just glares at me now.....

@Duvetflower

My DH used to be guilty of performance parenting our PFB, I think it was a combo of wanting to show everyone how amazing our DC was and being really proud that he'd managed to figure out parenting. On one memorable occasion...

DH: Oh look, Isla! Balls! Shall we count them?
I: ...
DH: Let's count them in twos! Even numbers are your favourite aren't they?
I: ...
DH: I'll start, two, what's the next even number Isla? You can do two add two easily
I: poo-poo
DH: Two add two you're really good at addition
I: Daddy's a poo-poo

He's stopped now 😃

Haha brilliant!

I think that 90% of the time, it isn't performance parenting; it's the opposite. It isn't showing off, but being insufficiently aware of other people finding you loud and possibly disturbing. And yes, to some extent people have 'forgotten' some of their social skills and social awareness during lockdown.

Definitely not a covid thing and not the same as PP but I do agree being insufficiently aware of one's surroundings is another bugbear. That's for another thread though

Oh Isla, darling, look at all the show-off mummies pretending not to know what performance parenting is! Isn't it adorable how they get so defensive and angry when they see people aren't impressed with their marvellous interactive parenting and their little geniuses! Now repeat that back to me in Latin, then you can take your Grade 13 piah-no exam and have your favourite supper of crudités and locally sourced, organic hummus.

@CatJumperTwat

Oh Isla, darling, look at all the show-off mummies pretending not to know what performance parenting is! Isn't it adorable how they get so defensive and angry when they see people aren't impressed with their marvellous interactive parenting and their little geniuses! Now repeat that back to me in Latin, then you can take your Grade 13 piah-no exam and have your favourite supper of crudités and locally sourced, organic hummus.

....right

You just sound a bit judgey

To be fair I'd not see that as performance as it sounds like you were engaged solely in your child, not looking around for validation however I'd probably think animal noises on a public bus a bit anti social

What?! A toddler saying "quack quack" on a bus is antisocial? She wasn't charging the seats like a rhino fgs

I think that 90% of the time, it isn't performance parenting; it's the opposite. It isn't showing off, but being insufficiently aware of other people finding you loud and possibly disturbing. And yes, to some extent people have 'forgotten' some of their social skills and social awareness during lockdown.

@3mealsaday

@takealettermsjones

To be fair I'd not see that as performance as it sounds like you were engaged solely in your child, not looking around for validation however I'd probably think animal noises on a public bus a bit anti social

What?! A toddler saying "quack quack" on a bus is antisocial? She wasn't charging the seats like a rhino fgs

Well that's not really what was described though and was loud enough to bother a lady not even directly behind

If you see performance parenting you just say "wow that's impressive, but has your child ever got a Nutella jar suctioned onto their face, because my DC do it without even trying" with a wry smirk that conveys 'yeah your crap kid who doesn't lick hazulnut chocolate spread out of the jar is a loser'. Then you win at all parenting.

Well that's not really what was described though and was loud enough to bother a lady not even directly behind

It is absolutely what was described. I described it, I remember what I wrote! 😂 and yes she could hear us, so what? It was still normal speaking volume. I can routinely hear the normal conversations of people around me, just as I could hear her comment.