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Original poster

Jeez! Performance parenting is driving me insane!

437 replies

ChilledFizz · 03/01/2022 17:09

Has anyone else noticed a performance parenting epidemic going on?

I know we all ham it up sometimes, but honestly this competitive, virtue signalling parenting seems to be turning into the norm.

OP posts:
MarshmallowFondant · 04/01/2022 14:27

I also think the people who are posting "isn't it awful that people are being bullied for just speaking to their children" are spectacularly missing the point.

Because the loud monologues delivered to a child/toddler who is not allowed to get a word in edgeways are not about the child at all. It's ALL about the parent showing off what a super-duper parent they are. They do it at the park/museum/farm when there are other parents around to notice their parenting "skills". They don't do it in a quiet supermarket or at home because they do not have an audience.

Jarbed · 04/01/2022 14:27

@CatJumperTwat

Oh Isla, darling, look at all the show-off mummies pretending not to know what performance parenting is! Isn't it adorable how they get so defensive and angry when they see people aren't impressed with their marvellous interactive parenting and their little geniuses! Now repeat that back to me in Latin, then you can take your Grade 13 piah-no exam and have your favourite supper of crudités and locally sourced, organic hummus.
I've never noticed performance parenting and it's the ones who claim they have done that are coming across as very angry. I'm very relaxed and pay almost zero attention to what other parents do with or say to their kids in public.
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 04/01/2022 14:30

I think there is less self-consciousness about being loud in public. I include myself in that, I noticed the other day me and my daughter carry on chatting quite loudly when in shops, it's an extension of what we've been doing the past two years being stuck in 24/7 with each other! I did say to her perhaps we should be a bit quieter. Lots of people are out of social practice.

I agree performance parenting has been around for ages, but I think it's reaching new heights, I think it's pretty harmless compared to say parents who don't respond to their children so much.

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Stomacharmeleon · 04/01/2022 14:30

@Letsallscreamatthesistene thank you and I wish you were my practice Nurse. It is about being appropriate and the fact we don't all wish to share in your loud overbearing parenting....in the quacks surgery. Or the hospital.

Or that's just me waiting quietly for my leg ulcer's to be dressed whilst they weep.

Jarbed · 04/01/2022 14:32

@MarshmallowFondant

I also think the people who are posting "isn't it awful that people are being bullied for just speaking to their children" are spectacularly missing the point.

Because the loud monologues delivered to a child/toddler who is not allowed to get a word in edgeways are not about the child at all. It's ALL about the parent showing off what a super-duper parent they are. They do it at the park/museum/farm when there are other parents around to notice their parenting "skills". They don't do it in a quiet supermarket or at home because they do not have an audience.

The motivations of these people, and whether they do it at home or not, are unknown, surely? What you think as someone loudly showing off someone else sees as someone just having fun or trying to teach their kids stuff. How you perceive and react to these things probably says more about you than the person doing it.

The majority of examples given on here are totally banal. Reading stories, telling kids to have risotto before ballet, jumping in puddles. Some are a bit more eccentric like talking about quantum physics. Either way who really gives a shit? Life is much simpler if you just ignore other people instead of getting all wound up over this meaningless stuff.

ClawedButler · 04/01/2022 14:33

@MarshmallowFondant

I also think the people who are posting "isn't it awful that people are being bullied for just speaking to their children" are spectacularly missing the point.

Because the loud monologues delivered to a child/toddler who is not allowed to get a word in edgeways are not about the child at all. It's ALL about the parent showing off what a super-duper parent they are. They do it at the park/museum/farm when there are other parents around to notice their parenting "skills". They don't do it in a quiet supermarket or at home because they do not have an audience.

This with hand-crafted artisan bells on.

Loudly having fun with a kid - not performance parenting

Loudly monologueing over a child about what to think, look at, say, remember, translate, taste etc. for the benefit of strangers around them to show how great they are as a parent - that's performance parenting.

ldontWanna · 04/01/2022 14:34

@MarshmallowFondant

I also think the people who are posting "isn't it awful that people are being bullied for just speaking to their children" are spectacularly missing the point.

Because the loud monologues delivered to a child/toddler who is not allowed to get a word in edgeways are not about the child at all. It's ALL about the parent showing off what a super-duper parent they are. They do it at the park/museum/farm when there are other parents around to notice their parenting "skills". They don't do it in a quiet supermarket or at home because they do not have an audience.

How do you know? Do you follow them around? I did it everywhere because that's what the speech therapist said I should do. Did I feel like a twat? Yes. Did I think that was more important than DD's speech delay? No.

She won't bloody shut up now while I mhm and oh ok. Maybe she's performance childhood. Grin

ClawedButler · 04/01/2022 14:35

It's akin to people who have loud business calls on the train.

Yes, some people sometimes have to have a business call when they're on a train. But the whole carriage doesn't give a monkeys what the fiscal projections for Q2 are, or how many meetings your secretary will have to re-schedule for you.

BoredZelda · 04/01/2022 14:37

My parent certainly didn't jump in puddles

How sad. My daughter is now 12 but we often went out on walks specifically to find puddles to jump in together.

Well, I am not in education but I would imagine speaking to your children in full sentences is befeficial when it comes to language learning

Nope. The key to teaching language is to keep it short. Kids learn better that way.

ldontWanna · 04/01/2022 14:37

Also I'm not wilfully ignorant. I work with kids and I see all kinds of parenting. Yes performance parenting is a thing. I can have even give examples.

I simply don't agree that any and all so called examples are actually performance parenting. Like jumping in puddles, croissants, risotto or ballet.

Echobelly · 04/01/2022 14:41

I don't think it's particularly 'performance parenting' to be talking to your kids about what you're looking at at a museum, that's just what you do at a museum, surely?

WingingItSince1973 · 04/01/2022 14:42

I've always chatted to mine as we go along and enjoy made up games with them. Same with my dgs. In fact we are just about to go out on a dino hunt so I guess I would be classed as performance grandparenting 🤣 My friend and I met a mum with young children one day beside a boating river that our teenage dds were on. She was a lovely lady but had to drop into the sentence how exceedingly rich her inlaws were and how her ds's could use their boat anytime. She was actually lovely and I felt maybe a bit nervous but still wanted to chat. We just let her talk about how wonderful they were while trying to to ruin it for her by telling her my inlaws have owned a boat for years. I dont think she was hoping for a gasp and round of applause I just genuinely felt she was just looking for someone other than her 2 ds to chat to. She seemed quite lonely. So sometimes when parents do this there could be a very insecure person behind the scenes. Let them have their moment of glory.

BeefSupreme · 04/01/2022 14:43

Still no examples, op? 🤔

liveforsummer · 04/01/2022 14:43

@takealettermsjones

Well that's not really what was described though and was loud enough to bother a lady not even directly behind

It is absolutely what was described. I described it, I remember what I wrote! 😂 and yes she could hear us, so what? It was still normal speaking volume. I can routinely hear the normal conversations of people around me, just as I could hear her comment.

Well perhaps you described it wrongly. 'Making' animal noises and ' saying' them are not one in the same. One is words and one is noises that are naturally louder. It came across like she was 'making' multiple animal noises, not that she just said quack quack. But perhaps I understood wrongly.
Jarbed · 04/01/2022 14:44

So basically, performance parenting DOES exist, but almost nobody on this thread has given an actual example of it, so it's presumably very rare. So no surprise lots of people have never encountered it and for those who have, it's probably best to just ignore it and move on.

Sammy900 · 04/01/2022 14:46

@ClawedButler

It's akin to people who have loud business calls on the train.

Yes, some people sometimes have to have a business call when they're on a train. But the whole carriage doesn't give a monkeys what the fiscal projections for Q2 are, or how many meetings your secretary will have to re-schedule for you.

Yes. This.

If I'm on a train I'm probably day dreaming about my own thing / reading / might be having my own phone conversation or chatting to another person, etc

If someone is loud and boasty, talking indirectly to an audience and interrupts what I'm doing it's invasive and annoying and I'm not interested so please pipe down

liveforsummer · 04/01/2022 14:47

@Jarbed

So basically, performance parenting DOES exist, but almost nobody on this thread has given an actual example of it, so it's presumably very rare. So no surprise lots of people have never encountered it and for those who have, it's probably best to just ignore it and move on.
I've given a few
ClawedButler · 04/01/2022 14:51

I think the difference between "talking to your child in a museum" and "performance parenting in a museum" is that one is a two-way conversation, held at an appropriate volume, about what's being seen and experienced, while the other is a parent loudly talking AT a child who isn't given any space to put their own thoughts forward, and trying to get the child to translate something into French or answer some random question about which dynasty Ptolomy III belonged to, so the parent can feel good about themselves - even if the kid is cringing with embarrasment!

Restingtoday · 04/01/2022 14:53

Maybe just chill? I don't use mumsnet much, but every now and then have a glance, and I often wonder why people get so worked up about stuff that does not actually impact on them... first world problems.

Stomacharmeleon · 04/01/2022 14:54

I definitely performance parent with the dog.... I chat away all time :) proudly....

liveforsummer · 04/01/2022 14:54

@Restingtoday

Maybe just chill? I don't use mumsnet much, but every now and then have a glance, and I often wonder why people get so worked up about stuff that does not actually impact on them... first world problems.
Usually light hearted discussion not people getting 'worked up'
WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 04/01/2022 14:55

@Prinnny

Ah, performance parenting, the insult of the disengaged Grin
“Why can’t you just stick an iPad in front of their face and ignore them like us normal parents???!!!”
liveforsummer · 04/01/2022 14:58

@Stomacharmeleon

I definitely performance parent with the dog.... I chat away all time :) proudly....
This though is 100% acceptable. Not frowned upon among the doggy community
yourestandingonmyneck · 04/01/2022 15:00

@BigButtons

performance parenting has nothing to do with engaging with the child and teaching them things. Performance parenting is seeking attention and boasting through the medium of the child. It has very little to do with the child and everything to do with the parent's need for attention and self validation.
Quite.

I can't quite believe that so many posters aren't grasping this.

So many posters thinking it's some sort of divide between those who actively take an interest in their children, and those who have no interest in their children and resent those who do.

A few interesting comments from those who have understood what is being discussed though.

Thatsplentyjack · 04/01/2022 15:03

@Iamnotthe1

I hate that what was once just considered the parenting norm has now been labelled as performance parenting by those who don't want to do it.

You should be actively talking to your children about the world around them and getting them engaged with it. It has a huge impact, particularly in those early years and, as a teacher, there is a noticeable difference between children who have had that and children who haven't.

No, when you see performance parenting you will know.