Jeez! Performance parenting is driving me insane!

[ChilledFizz]

Has anyone else noticed a performance parenting epidemic going on?

I know we all ham it up sometimes, but honestly this competitive, virtue signalling parenting seems to be turning into the norm.

@liveforsummer if only. I just make my internal monologue external when I'm with the baby, because it's good for them. Why TF would I want someone in a supermarket to favourably judge my life choices about what to feed him etc?

A thread attacking women who ignore their kids in favour of their phones and feed them crap would be taken down.

No it wouldn't. What on earth makes you think it would?

I thought it would be considered "not in the spirit" @saraclara

@MarshmallowFondant

I also think the people who are posting "isn't it awful that people are being bullied for just speaking to their children" are spectacularly missing the point.

Because the loud monologues delivered to a child/toddler who is not allowed to get a word in edgeways are not about the child at all. It's ALL about the parent showing off what a super-duper parent they are. They do it at the park/museum/farm when there are other parents around to notice their parenting "skills". They don't do it in a quiet supermarket or at home because they do not have an audience.

While I think their are posters wilfully ignoring the fact that perfectly normal interactions with small children are being used as examples of performance parenting on this thread. Off the top of my head - a small child counting in Waterstones and being praised and a little girl having fish discussed for her dinner in a supermarket. Neither of those are pp and perfectly normal interactions. Both of those examples reek of reverse snobbery.

I’m generally the one people are being snobby about in life so I don’t think I’ve read those feeling particularly defensive about class.

Pp definitely does exist, but it looks like people are using it to make themselves feel superior to those they consider ‘up themselves’. That’s not performance parenting.

I'm not going to chuck in "shall we buy chicken nuggets" just to appease some inverse snob who happens to be listening and judging.

Same. My daughter would have looked at me in confusion if I started talking about “the cute doggy” just to dumb it down for onlookers (apparently waiting for me to glance their way so they could accuse me of seeking approval) She was 3 or 4 and I said to her “ooh look at the aeroplane scratches in the sky” and she gave me a withering “those are contrails mummy” response. We were in the car so there was no opportunity for me to look for applause from anyone.

[quote roarfeckingroarr]@liveforsummer if only. I just make my internal monologue external when I'm with the baby, because it's good for them. Why TF would I want someone in a supermarket to favourably judge my life choices about what to feed him etc?[/quote]
You might have made the cut if mini roars name really was Bear

@liveforsummer nah, for this it would have to be Fox, and then I would have to hunt him on Boxing Day.

@roarfeckingroarr

I narrate the world to my toddler and have one sided convos - often even in Waitrose which must be indicative of performance parenting .

"What shall we eat Bear?" (not mini-roar's real name) "shall we have some fishies because we need B vitamins? And maybe some purple sprouting broccoli because you prefer it?" (true, he does), "ok then but we need salted butter because only bakers and people with under developed palates eat non-salted... let's get quinoa because it's mummy's favourite grain and high in protein.."

I talk bollocks to my kid because 1) it's good for his development and 2) it amuses me. I'm not going to chuck in "shall we buy chicken nuggets" just to appease some inverse snob who happens to be listening and judging.

"ok then but we need salted butter because only bakers and people with under developed palates eat non-salted... let's get quinoa because it's mummy's favourite grain and high in protein.."

Do you genuinely say this out loud in a supermarket?

@yourestandingonmyneck guilty. I say it with a pinch of salt(ed butter) . Extended sleep deprivation does things to you. And I only speak loudly enough for Bear-who-isnt-called-bear to hear.

I never noticed performance parenting until I moved to my quite middle-class London area years ago. And my family also noticed it when visiting and it's a bit of an ongoing joke now.

It is not the same as having a conversation with your child to keep them entertained/educated!

It mostly happens on public transport. Like another poster said, it's similar to those people who talk really loudly on the phone secretly wanting people to know how important or dramatic their lives are instead of talking in a dulled voice. Or it's similar to those people who like to be overtly aggressive and sweary for attention. It's somebody who WANTS other people to take an interest and form an opinion of them.

I always feel like this posts say more about the person who posts them than about the people you're complaining about...

@roarfeckingroarr

I narrate the world to my toddler and have one sided convos - often even in Waitrose which must be indicative of performance parenting .

"What shall we eat Bear?" (not mini-roar's real name) "shall we have some fishies because we need B vitamins? And maybe some purple sprouting broccoli because you prefer it?" (true, he does), "ok then but we need salted butter because only bakers and people with under developed palates eat non-salted... let's get quinoa because it's mummy's favourite grain and high in protein.."

I talk bollocks to my kid because 1) it's good for his development and 2) it amuses me. I'm not going to chuck in "shall we buy chicken nuggets" just to appease some inverse snob who happens to be listening and judging.

Oh my god it is Ottilie’s mum

Gawd's sake, explaining something to a child is not what we're talking about. It's making the child do tricks or rattling on at them telling them what they think and feel - that's what's annoying. There is a difference between not wanting to be the loud arsehole who wants appreciation for how they parent, and ignoring your child completely and staring at your phone.

"Oh you love this, don't you darling, you prefer wooden toys to those nasty plastic ones, you always have done haven't you darling. Shall we have roasted butternut squash for dinner? It will be just like the time we had it in Morocco, won't it darling, when we went and stayed in the riad - do you remember, you ordered it yourself in French, and then again in Arabic in case they didn't understand"

I switch off and move away from anyone performance parenting. I feel embarrassed for them.

@musicviking1

I switch off and move away from anyone performance parenting. I feel embarrassed for them.

same it makes me cringe

Most performance parenting is entertaining to observe in a David Attenborough way but usually comes from a good place and is harmless. It's most fun when DC refuse to engage and competitive parent is left with egg on their face.

My own DM was a gardener who enthusiastically attempted to teach my DC the Latin names of plants that I had failed to learn, but because it was a passion of hers, not to show off.

What I will say is sometimes it's to try to get children who may not be yours to behave. I have found myself doing a version of it with step-nephew who has two Disney parents and no boundaries. He is also tall for his age, overweight and a thug. Not his fault I know. If I get landed with him on days out (not infrequently, while his DM tours the gift shop), I have developed an over bright "oh let's go and do x or look at y" patter to stop him hurting DD or any little ones who are around by being too rough.

”Oh you love this, don't you darling, you prefer wooden toys to those nasty plastic ones, you always have done haven't you darling. Shall we have roasted butternut squash for dinner? It will be just like the time we had it in Morocco, won't it darling, when we went and stayed in the riad - do you remember, you ordered it yourself in French, and then again in Arabic in case they didn't understand"

Right, but these are not what people are using as examples, and this kind of thing is not happening everywhere, nor is it epidemic. People are using the description of something extreme like this, to pass judgment on people just being parents.

None of these examples represent anything I ever see out in the wild. I know that is annoying people but I shop in waitrose and it's mainly older people. I live in an expensive, well to do town but I just never hear people talking like this or pushing their kids. Can people give an example of an area of the country or a venue you might encounter this type of behaviour? Is it mainly central London for example? Or perhaps bohemian parts of other major cities?

It’s performance parent central where I live.

This is exactly how I speak to my ds. He has a speech and understanding delay and autism. I’ve been told to use his name a lot and to speak clearly, he also loves numbers and letters so we are always counting and sounding things out. People are so bloody judgemental on MN sometimes.

Notting Hill, Westbourne Grove, High Street Kensington

I think I've only really encountered it on public transport and more about keeping the kids entertained than showing off. But I guess if it has the side effect of showing off the proud parent doesn't mind

@WheelieBinPrincess

Notting Hill, Westbourne Grove, High Street Kensington

OK thanks. Not areas I've hardly ever been to at all. Maybe that explains it.

I agree with a pp, I’d rather hear performance parenting than parents swearing at and berating their kids!

I live in a rural town, we get it a lot here.

And there is a middle ground between being a pompous show-off and a lazy arse!