Thoughts on this please

[AllThatGlittersAndAllThatGold]

Nanny quit last week.
Been with us for 10 months. We emigrated to this country last year and she started very soon after. Started off great although the youngest who is 6 misbehaved for a while but but it quickly settled down. Our eldest is age 10.
We decided to change the kids school for a second time as we felt it had a better status. This was 2 months ago. That's when we started getting daily updates over the kids behaviour from the nanny. Things like not listening, gossiping about her, speaking rudely etc. They also started to not want to be left with her some mornings. We would speak to the kids everytime an issue was raised but did not punish them as they always denied it and we were not entirely sure they were misbehaving, just that they may be struggling with the changes.
After yet another incident I decided to speak with her. This is because I never see her in person, it is usually my partner. He said he hasn't seen the kids misbehave with her but that they are not happy to be left with her. With that said the youngest still said love you to her everytime she left of a night and also that they had apologised to the nanny for their behaviour without prompting.
So I spoke with her and told her I wanted to be the kind of mother who believed their children and that they always denied misbehaving. I said they were always happy with us and that there are no problems elsewhere. She asked me what was in it for her to lie or manipulate anything and that she was concerned about it all as everything seemed fine until the new school. She also reminded me of a time when I worked from home and saw them being rude to her.
So later on that evening, I did punish the kids and put together a strategy to help enforce positive behaviour. I texted the nanny to tell her and she told me she would not be coming back. That she felt mistrusted and that my partner and I clearly did not trust or appreciate her. This is not true and I told her we did and that we have always been kind to her. She did not reply. My partner texted and said it was really sad things had ended like this and again, that she was appreciated. She sent a long text saying she felt attacked by me and that there was no coming back from that. She said she hoped the kids would remember all the love she gave them.
Kids are still denying the behaviour but are upset and shocked she has gone. Now we have no childcare to fit awkward hours. Was it so bad that I wanted to believe my children and will always do so before I trust anyone else?

They've moved country, moved school ( twice), got a nanny. You never see the nanny, so must work quite long hours ( no judgement).

Is there any reason why they WOULDN'T act up? They are children.

Alternatively, perhaps the nanny had different ideas of what 'misbehaving' is.

Did you not talk to the nanny about this when she gave her updates?

I'm not surprised she quit to be honest as you've chosen to disregard her comments to about behaviour and have openly told her you'll always believe your child first and foremost. These are small issues but put yourself in her shoes that if in the future there was a bigger issue she wouldn't have felt supported by you. You also should have dealt with your children's behaviour when you witnessed it not days, weeks or months later as some sort of look I will back you.
Are your children aware that you'll always believe them ?

Sounds like you never had a professional relationship with the nanny because you never had any dealings with her. There is a disconnect and your children are quite likely brats in her opinion. Move on, engage properly with the next nanny and try to establish rules, boundaries and expectations. Kids will play up and you don’t necessarily have to side with them if you know nothing about the day to day challenges of a nanny trying their best without parental involvement.

Nannies and parents are supposed to work as a team with good open dialogue. Communication is a two-way street. Respect & good listening and understanding to be shown on both sides.

If I was reporting misbehaviour and you told me you want to be the kind of parent that believes your children (ergo not me), I wouldn’t work for you a minute more than I should, you removed all her authority in one sentence and what if they make up something atrocious?

With so many changes, it is natural the kids are acting up. This was the time to sit with the nanny, who spends a sizeable amount of time with your kids, and try to work out together what is the best way to help your children settle and how to present a united front when it comes to manage misbehaviour.

Do children tell their nanny that they love them ? I think it’s best that she’s left (and I don’t blame her) you can start again but this time you can lay out expectations with your children and the nanny.

It’s a very embarrassing thing for a childcare professional to admit children are misbehaving- as it can easily be misconstrued as a bad reflection on them.

That she has continually bringing this to your attention means it has been a problem that you have been escalating through lack of intervention.

She sounds amazing- you needed to value your staff more highly.

To have a parenting strategy to ‘always believe your children’ is negating your responsibility to parent. Love you give unconditionally not your ‘yes’ in every situation.

Your children are children right now looking for attention- give it to them now or the cost in the future means you will be dealing with much more serious issues.

This situation is your opportunity to make changes.

You really can’t be surprised that she’s left can you? You said you believed your children over her. Surely you can seems this undermines her position with the kids?
I’d suggest you look for a different type of childcare

That's the point, we were not sure they were misbehaving, just tired or something else going on. For example, she said they were not listening and she repeatedly has to ask them to do things but that's the way the eldest can be at times. She's not being naughty, she's just absorbed in something. The kids always denied gossiping about her or messing about near the road as well as speaking rudely to her.
Nanny hasn't been well lately so do also wonder if that is making her more sensitive to things. That's why I spoke to her, to get a clearer picture of what's going on.

She's left.

She's not replied to your text, nor your DH's.

You have failed to acknowledge what we have all said.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Good luck, OP

I think you are excusing your kids behaviour a little bit too much. The fact that they are tired doesn’t give them the right to misbehave or be rude. Mind you, it is ok with a toddler but once they go to school, they have the language skills to communicate their needs and understand what the rules are and respect them.

I’d have left as well. I’m surprised she stayed as long as she did.

When you next few nannies also tell you the same thing and/or leave before long, maybe you’ll look back on this post and be mortified about how badly wrong you got things.

Good for your nanny, having professional and personal boundaries.
I must admit I’m a bit 🤨 when people say how “kind” they are to nannies. She’s a professional and qualified employee, not the kid from down the road doing you a favour. “Kind” just sounds patronising, to be honest.

Your children’s poor behaviour is most likely the result of disruption and tiredness and just children being children… but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be dealt with. I think it’s interesting to note that you’re jumping in to blame the nanny for being over sensitive because she was unwell. Why can’t you just accept that your children were behaving in a way that wasn’t ideal? See how you’re still blaming her?

She did reply to my DH. She said she felt attacked, I said this in the OP.

I think it's important to listen to my children and for it to be seen from their side also. I'm just saying that when my eldest takes a while to respond, it doesn't mean she is being rude or naughty, it's just how she can be rather than misbehaving. That was our concern that the nanny felt it was them being naughty rather than other reasons. I accept the kids are not angels all the time, nobody's is. But I did want to take their views seriously when they told me they were not being rude but were feeling tired/ had a sore throat and that's why they were not answering etc.

@Cocomarine

Good for your nanny, having professional and personal boundaries. I must admit I’m a bit 🤨 when people say how “kind” they are to nannies. She’s a professional and qualified employee, not the kid from down the road doing you a favour. “Kind” just sounds patronising, to be honest.

Your children’s poor behaviour is most likely the result of disruption and tiredness and just children being children… but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be dealt with. I think it’s interesting to note that you’re jumping in to blame the nanny for being over sensitive because she was unwell. Why can’t you just accept that your children were behaving in a way that wasn’t ideal? See how you’re still blaming her?

This!!!

You sound patronising as if she should feel privileged for you being kind to her.

Kindness is a given. You didn't listen to her. If I was her I would've left too.

Of course your kids will deny messing about beside a road! What on earth would your nanny have had to gain by making that up? Especially when a nanny would take pride in dealing with that herself?

Would you stay in a job where your boss has told you that in their opinion you lied?
That's effectively what you did.

Your eldest is 10, it’ll she should be able to stop what she’s doing to listen to an adult. Perhaps the issue is that she hasn’t been taught manners and has been allowed to just ignore instructions because that’s ‘the way she can be sometimes.’

The nanny probably assumed she had been taught those manners/ social norms by age 10 and so thought it was misbehaving. Maybe you need to find a nanny who has a similar parenting style to you, if you are very lax then there are bound to be clashes if you hire a nanny who expects traditional standards of behaviour.

I meant that the nannys illness may have been making her oversensitive and less able to deal with behaviour which others wouldn't make much of. Not dismissing what she is saying but just thinking of it from another angle.

Your kids are probably unsettled due to all the changes so it’s quite likely they’ve been playing up or acting out of character. At that age they’re old enough to do it, know they’re doing it and deny it when questioned! You don’t say what countries you’ve moved between but could there also be a cultural difference between what your children are used to and what a local nanny expects?

@AllThatGlittersAndAllThatGold

I meant that the nannys illness may have been making her oversensitive and less able to deal with behaviour which others wouldn't make much of. Not dismissing what she is saying but just thinking of it from another angle.

But you did dismiss what she was saying completely.

My mistake, it was you she ignored, sorry.

I do genuinely hope lessons have been learned from this experience. As a qualified childcarer who worked in the home of 5 families over 30 years, I eventually left because of the appalling treatment I received.

My mental health and sanity suffered enormously, my confidence got so low I will never seek employed work again.

If I had my way, there would be an Ofsted register of employers in the childcare sector.

“ they were not being rude but were feeling tired/ had a sore throat and that's why they were not answering etc.”

Bloody hell. OK, so I’m going to do a 180. I was saying that the behaviour could be less than ideal without it being naughty - tiredness, kids being kids.

But telling you that they ignored her (let’s not sugar coat “not answering”, let’s use the word that describes the behaviour as rudely as it was: ignored) because they had a sore throat or were tired?!

That is entitled little brat behaviour, giving both nanny and parent the run around, and you’ve fallen for it!

It doesn't sound like you were a good match anyway.
Kids don't always behave in the way we want them to - they don't always tell the truth either. These are things you and the nanny need to be able to manage. They don't necessarily need punishment but problems do need addressing.

Well keep finding reasons and encouraging your children to find reasons for their bad behaviour - and see how many nannies you get through 🤷‍♀️

Your eldest - by your own admittance - doesn't respond when asked to do something.

I'd be interested if she just does this with you, tries on it with nanny because she knows mummy will believe her - or if she also does it at school (I suspect not!)