Thoughts on this please

[AllThatGlittersAndAllThatGold]

Nanny quit last week.
Been with us for 10 months. We emigrated to this country last year and she started very soon after. Started off great although the youngest who is 6 misbehaved for a while but but it quickly settled down. Our eldest is age 10.
We decided to change the kids school for a second time as we felt it had a better status. This was 2 months ago. That's when we started getting daily updates over the kids behaviour from the nanny. Things like not listening, gossiping about her, speaking rudely etc. They also started to not want to be left with her some mornings. We would speak to the kids everytime an issue was raised but did not punish them as they always denied it and we were not entirely sure they were misbehaving, just that they may be struggling with the changes.
After yet another incident I decided to speak with her. This is because I never see her in person, it is usually my partner. He said he hasn't seen the kids misbehave with her but that they are not happy to be left with her. With that said the youngest still said love you to her everytime she left of a night and also that they had apologised to the nanny for their behaviour without prompting.
So I spoke with her and told her I wanted to be the kind of mother who believed their children and that they always denied misbehaving. I said they were always happy with us and that there are no problems elsewhere. She asked me what was in it for her to lie or manipulate anything and that she was concerned about it all as everything seemed fine until the new school. She also reminded me of a time when I worked from home and saw them being rude to her.
So later on that evening, I did punish the kids and put together a strategy to help enforce positive behaviour. I texted the nanny to tell her and she told me she would not be coming back. That she felt mistrusted and that my partner and I clearly did not trust or appreciate her. This is not true and I told her we did and that we have always been kind to her. She did not reply. My partner texted and said it was really sad things had ended like this and again, that she was appreciated. She sent a long text saying she felt attacked by me and that there was no coming back from that. She said she hoped the kids would remember all the love she gave them.
Kids are still denying the behaviour but are upset and shocked she has gone. Now we have no childcare to fit awkward hours. Was it so bad that I wanted to believe my children and will always do so before I trust anyone else?

@AllThatGlittersAndAllThatGold you seem
To only see the comments you want to see so I completely see why she left.

Starting to think this is a joke thread.

I don't think you should ever employ someone to become part of your family if you fail to treat them like that.

Seems a very 'us' and 'you' situation. Which never would have worked.

I hope the nanny has seen this thread and knows she did right. 👋🏼

Well look it seems as though it has given you food for thought and as you say a new start, you may no longer need a nanny. Whatever went on hopefully it will settle down now a bit.

@GrandmasCat

If I was reporting misbehaviour and you told me you want to be the kind of parent that believes your children (ergo not me), I wouldn’t work for you a minute more than I should, you removed all her authority in one sentence and what if they make up something atrocious?

With so many changes, it is natural the kids are acting up. This was the time to sit with the nanny, who spends a sizeable amount of time with your kids, and try to work out together what is the best way to help your children settle and how to present a united front when it comes to manage misbehaviour.

I was literally just about to write a post similar to this. It was down to you and your partner to sit with the nanny and desl with things as previous poster mentioned. I unfortunately do not blame her for leaving you, good childcare is so few and far between and you've destroyed that relationship. Learn from this experience.

@AllThatGlittersAndAllThatGold

It is normal which is why we have not punished the behaviour up until now. As I said though, I am at home every Friday and weekends and partner always around of an evening and often in the week. We needed a nanny to cover those awkward times but actually feel now that we may be able to cope without one for the time being. Perhaps in a way this has been the catalyst for a new start in our family where we come together. In terms of the behaviour, as someone said upthread, what she was reporting back to us could be seen from different angles. What's naughty to her or misbehaving may not be seen like that from them. She clearly wasn't the right fit for us and we both feel that maybe she is more suited to younger children than older. As for the school, the kids love it there and are thriving. They wanted to go to this school and it has better secondary school links. I don't think that is an issue. I do feel that for whatever reason, the relationship broke down between nanny and kids and I do still question whether the kids were being truly naughty on every occasion or if it was just a difference in interpretation. The kids swear blind that they did nothing wrong at times and it seems out of character so as times goes on, it does leave me feeling anxious that they were telling the truth a lot of the time and nanny just read it wrong. I know they did wrong on some occasions but I question some of the other incidents. I won't apologise for that.

With this attitude, you're going to get through many nannies!

I do wonder how your kids are going to behave towards you tbh. You don't sound as if you're helping them grow to be nice people, particularly.

Sorry just seen tag

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time op

Obv as a mum you want to believe your children and maybe what nanny said was true on her part but also true on your children’s

Maybe nanny has different standards to discipline from you

This is why a chat about standards discipline and boundaries is needed

I expect parents /employers to support me not disbelieve me constantly as you state you will always believe your children

Your child did lie by saying didn’t hear but actually had a sore throat so ignored. That is rude

They have had a lot of change with county , new nanny , 2 schools

Hopefully you have taken on board what people have said

You're raising two brats unfortunately..

She clearly wasn't the right fit for us and we both feel that maybe she is more suited to younger children than older.

Or, one could say your parenting style and poorly disciplined DC were not a good fit for her?
You don’t listen.
You have made that very clear.

OP: Thoughts on this please

99% of posters give the same thoughts.

OP: refutes every single one of them.

Sorry you haven't got your echo chamber, OP, but it seems very clear that you didn't handle this brilliantly. While I do agree that you are getting a hard time in some ways, you have also got some very helpful advice about why your kids are being like this and what you need to do moving forward. Perhaps it would help to listen to the advice, especially if you change your mind about having another nanny?

I'm sure your dc do have a different interpretation of their behaviour, just as you do. The problem you'll increasingly encounter as they grow up is the rest of the world will see it for what it is.

Your reference to secondary links implies prestigious privates are a goal, so you'd better hope they continue to behave well at school. You don't get to follow up interviews, or further down the line requests to remove your dc, with an explanation of how the school has misinterpreted your dc.

Of course that shouldn't be your main consideration, but from your posts it's fairly clear that's more likely to motivate you than anything else.

Well done for choosing to parent your own children.
Hopefully you'll get to see the issues that your nanny had.

Things have actually been a lot calmer and it is nice not coming back to regular bad updates each night. Admittedly, my partner has had a quieter week but we will get by with the use of out of school care and help from friends. I do feel that maybe we never should have got a nanny. We feel the out of school care is much more suited to the kids needs and although it can feel rushed, it also feels easier.