Thoughts on this please

[AllThatGlittersAndAllThatGold]

Nanny quit last week.
Been with us for 10 months. We emigrated to this country last year and she started very soon after. Started off great although the youngest who is 6 misbehaved for a while but but it quickly settled down. Our eldest is age 10.
We decided to change the kids school for a second time as we felt it had a better status. This was 2 months ago. That's when we started getting daily updates over the kids behaviour from the nanny. Things like not listening, gossiping about her, speaking rudely etc. They also started to not want to be left with her some mornings. We would speak to the kids everytime an issue was raised but did not punish them as they always denied it and we were not entirely sure they were misbehaving, just that they may be struggling with the changes.
After yet another incident I decided to speak with her. This is because I never see her in person, it is usually my partner. He said he hasn't seen the kids misbehave with her but that they are not happy to be left with her. With that said the youngest still said love you to her everytime she left of a night and also that they had apologised to the nanny for their behaviour without prompting.
So I spoke with her and told her I wanted to be the kind of mother who believed their children and that they always denied misbehaving. I said they were always happy with us and that there are no problems elsewhere. She asked me what was in it for her to lie or manipulate anything and that she was concerned about it all as everything seemed fine until the new school. She also reminded me of a time when I worked from home and saw them being rude to her.
So later on that evening, I did punish the kids and put together a strategy to help enforce positive behaviour. I texted the nanny to tell her and she told me she would not be coming back. That she felt mistrusted and that my partner and I clearly did not trust or appreciate her. This is not true and I told her we did and that we have always been kind to her. She did not reply. My partner texted and said it was really sad things had ended like this and again, that she was appreciated. She sent a long text saying she felt attacked by me and that there was no coming back from that. She said she hoped the kids would remember all the love she gave them.
Kids are still denying the behaviour but are upset and shocked she has gone. Now we have no childcare to fit awkward hours. Was it so bad that I wanted to believe my children and will always do so before I trust anyone else?

Ultimately it doesn’t really matter who was in the right. She felt uncomfortable in her workplace, and she has resigned. As a result of this you will now need to find another employee. Only you know if there are any lessons that need to be learned from this experience, for yourself and your children.

You’re not listening to the wealth of reasonable responses here OP.

Perhaps you might benefit from seeing it from the POV of your professional nanny (who felt so strongly, she voluntarily made herself unemployed) and those voicing their concerns about your position?

Unless the ten-year old literally had razor-sore strep throat, then that is just an excuse for ignoring Nanny. You are being played OP (by your children). It is rudeness, to not answer or respond when someone speaks to you. Your child was rude. Own it.

You can make all the excuses you like - the child was tired, the child had a sore throat, the child was absorbed in their activity.....but if they do not repsond to the Nanny, it is rude. She named it for what it was, and you told her she was a liar. good for her to leave, I hope she finds a new position where she is appreciated.

You sound like the employer from hell. Parents and nannies need to work as a team. Your nanny is the most important adult in your life after your partner. Presumably you verbally checked her refs? So If she says your kids are acting up, assume they are.

You’ve moved countries, schools and hired a nanny - why would your kids not be playing up a bit? And after so much change why did you change their school twice because of status??
And how have you brought them up to think that they don’t need to answer an adult just because they are tired or they have a sore throat?

You and your husband seriously need to get a grip, or you will not be holding on to any decent nanny- they are like gold dust.

So you are one of those parents?!Good luck when your children are teens and you can't control them at all

So for 2 months she was telling you daily that the children were misbehaving and you did nothing, didn't engage with her and didn't take the kids to task as they denied it (as most kids would when confronted).

Has she been ill for 2 months that would cause that level of oversensitivity as you put it?

More likely she was looking for some support and instead was essentially accused of lying. You say you just wanted to understand her side but by telling her you will always be the parent who believes their children, you are accusing her of lying. And I bet your kids know this about you only too well!

And only when the Nanny herself pointed out that you had in fact witnessed some of this behaviour, did you retrospectively act. Something children of that age don't really get.

Sorry but I agree with other posters that you were quite in the wrong and I'd even suggest you pay her the notice period despite her severing the contract in light of this.

You have been very silly. Nanny sounds as if she tried really hard, but you made things impossible for her.

We decided to change the kids school for a second time as we felt it had a better status.

On top of that, you've just moved from another country, brought in a new caregiver, and you don't understand that all of this upheaval is why your kids are struggling? 🙄

You sound like a fucking nightmare - good on her for leaving.

So I spoke with her and told her I wanted to be the kind of mother who believed their children and that they always denied misbehaving.

This jumped out at me. Its a bit bonkers tbh. You need to apply judgement and reason, and not just believe your kids regardless.

OP you are getting a hard time here, but I feel a lot of it is warranted - if a little harshly worded.

As a parent, we often don't always see our children's flaws do we, so when confronted with some home truths, it can be hard to swallow.

Your eldest ignores people...this is rude and it's your job, as her parent, to teach her not to do this! You simply can't dismiss it as a quirky character trait!!

I don't know which country you have come from, but I have taught in several different countries, and know that there are widely differing expectations of children's behaviour. What may be acceptable in one country, can be completely unacceptable in another. I can tell you right now...your children's behaviour here, is unacceptable. Your Nanny was correct and you should apologise.

Are you living in an Asian country? When I lived in Thailand it was important to consider the local culture. In all dealings you needed to consider ‘saving face’ where dealing with Thais. They would never discuss anything that could be construed as a criticism directly. They would certainly have quit if any problems were handled like this.

@Cocomarine

“ they were not being rude but were feeling tired/ had a sore throat and that's why they were not answering etc.”

Bloody hell. OK, so I’m going to do a 180. I was saying that the behaviour could be less than ideal without it being naughty - tiredness, kids being kids.

But telling you that they ignored her (let’s not sugar coat “not answering”, let’s use the word that describes the behaviour as rudely as it was: ignored) because they had a sore throat or were tired?!

That is entitled little brat behaviour, giving both nanny and parent the run around, and you’ve fallen for it!

Absolutely!

As a nanny myself I'd feel the same.

It only works if you work together as a unit.
A nanny is a extension of your family, would you have had the same conversation with your husband?

It sounds best all round that she has left - sounds as though it wasn't a good fit.

We used to know a family that went through multiple nannies. It took quite a few before they would acknowledge the dc and their attitude was the problem. Both parents and dc weren't deliberately lying when they said they weren't rude or badly behaved. Problem was they just had very strange ideas and low expectations. Don't be that family.

So your nanny told you facts and your children lied...you believed your children because...it was the easiest option...sorry to be harsh op but your a "lazy parent". Ignoring someone is downright pig ignorance. If you continue to make excuses for it I pity you for what's ahead for you!

I’m actually laughing at the idea of a 10yo “innocently” telling mummy, “I’m sowwy I only didn’t reply because my throat was all hurty.” And getting away with that!!

Believe me, no parent is stricter than me. As I said, I just felt that the kids side needed to be heard and felt the nanny wasn't being as understanding of the situsituation as she could be. She is a lot more quiet than me and I wonder if the kids couldnt read her very well or if she wasn't assertive enough to set the boundaries. I am not condoning the children's behaviour as I now see it was not acceptable but with that said, they are still denying it so I am left wondering as to what was really going on.
I just feel as a mother that we can't blindly listen to caregivers and we must listen to our children. They are perfectly behaved at school and there are no problems there. There have been a lot of changes I agree but they have always been in the children's best interests. They have lots of friends and get beautiful reports back from teachers.
I know it wasn't a good match with the nanny and our personalities. I also know it didn't help that she only really saw my husband and rarely me. It's going to be extremely rough finding someone who will do the awkward hours my husband now needs so will have to think outside the box for childcare.
I do want to make it clear that I do work from home every Friday and around every weekend so am not an absent mother and my husband is around for dinner time so they are seeing us. I am a strict parent but will always stick up for my kids and make sure they also have a voice and I do not think this was happening here.

“They are still denying it”
What does that mean?
Because you were very specific that the nanny was ignored because of a sore throat…
Is your child now denying that happened?

I mean they are still denying that they messed around on the roads, were rude to her, gossiped about her etc. Basically all the behaviours I have been hearing about the past few months

I just feel as a mother that we can't blindly listen to caregivers and we must listen to our children

So if the caregiver says one thing and the children say the opposite, will you believe the children every time?

I would listen to each side and then make an informed judgement without just accepting that the caregiver was correct.
I always want to make sure my children feel I will listen and not just assume another adults stance on things.

OP, can you not see that your nanny has tried to resolve issues by flagging them up to you and you have consistently ignored them?
By excusing what is going on: 'that is how DD is' and 'nanny is too sensitive' to take two examples, you are doing your children no favours at all. Yes, they've had upheaval in moving but they also need to be helped and guided into settling where you live now - and that includes understanding that other people looking after them deserve respect and to be backed up if your DC are not behaving appropriately.
To be frank, unless you re-assess this, I suspect you will continue to lose childcare staff for your DC.

She also reminded me of a time when I worked from home and saw them being rude to her

I mean they are still denying that they messed around on the roads, were rude to her, gossiped about her etc

So you were there and witnessed them being rude to her but they are denying it, they’re fibbing then , aren’t they?