Thoughts on this please

[AllThatGlittersAndAllThatGold]

Nanny quit last week.
Been with us for 10 months. We emigrated to this country last year and she started very soon after. Started off great although the youngest who is 6 misbehaved for a while but but it quickly settled down. Our eldest is age 10.
We decided to change the kids school for a second time as we felt it had a better status. This was 2 months ago. That's when we started getting daily updates over the kids behaviour from the nanny. Things like not listening, gossiping about her, speaking rudely etc. They also started to not want to be left with her some mornings. We would speak to the kids everytime an issue was raised but did not punish them as they always denied it and we were not entirely sure they were misbehaving, just that they may be struggling with the changes.
After yet another incident I decided to speak with her. This is because I never see her in person, it is usually my partner. He said he hasn't seen the kids misbehave with her but that they are not happy to be left with her. With that said the youngest still said love you to her everytime she left of a night and also that they had apologised to the nanny for their behaviour without prompting.
So I spoke with her and told her I wanted to be the kind of mother who believed their children and that they always denied misbehaving. I said they were always happy with us and that there are no problems elsewhere. She asked me what was in it for her to lie or manipulate anything and that she was concerned about it all as everything seemed fine until the new school. She also reminded me of a time when I worked from home and saw them being rude to her.
So later on that evening, I did punish the kids and put together a strategy to help enforce positive behaviour. I texted the nanny to tell her and she told me she would not be coming back. That she felt mistrusted and that my partner and I clearly did not trust or appreciate her. This is not true and I told her we did and that we have always been kind to her. She did not reply. My partner texted and said it was really sad things had ended like this and again, that she was appreciated. She sent a long text saying she felt attacked by me and that there was no coming back from that. She said she hoped the kids would remember all the love she gave them.
Kids are still denying the behaviour but are upset and shocked she has gone. Now we have no childcare to fit awkward hours. Was it so bad that I wanted to believe my children and will always do so before I trust anyone else?

I've always stuck with my families for 5-10 years but there was one who did similar and it is infuriating when you try and gain respect as a child's carer when they just get shot down and under minded.

Your children should have been told it is wrong, they deny, fine, draw a line. Not he said she said who's wrong. It's not their place.

You aren't their friend you're their parent.

You lost me when you said you moved schools for one with a better status

Can't add much more except that I wanted to be the kind of mother who believed their children, along with never punishing them, has simply undermined her professional status whether you think so or not. She's not a teenager doing you a favour by babysitting; she's a qualified nanny who deserves professional respect. Your actions and words have not suggested she's been worthy of that.

Please take heed of these comments, OP, rather than excuse or explain away the situation. Your previous nanny clearly felt undermined. Your children are about to have further disruption to their childcare and so establishing the right care, boundaries and expectations together with any new nanny will be absolutely paramount, especially if they may act up in light of further uncertainty in the space of less than a year.

As soon as someone says the children are not angels I see that as a red flag

@NannyNick and @Blondeshavemorefun

It'd be interesting to have your thoughts.

You are very foolish. She told you the kids were misbehaving and you chose to not believe her. Why would you not believe the adult you have paid to care for them? Unbelievable. Kids will of course lie as it is in their interest to do so plus they must know how gullible you are. I really don't blame her at all.

Believe me, no parent is stricter than me.
Believe me, this is really not true. Your eldest doesn’t listen and you say this is just how they are, so nanny should accept it.

I am so glad the nanny has left. I hope she finds a respectful family next time.

I think you are projecting mother's guilt.
You obviously work long hours so it's easier to dismiss the nanny telling you your children are being naughty. Than dealing with your children!
Hope your nanny finds a lovely new job soon

Oh dear, OP. I think you need to read Parenting 101 again. If you don’t have time I’ll sum it up for you: children lie. Big lies, little lies, lies to get treats, lies to avoid trouble.

Find a new nanny, or even better give it a whirl yourself; a week or two should be long enough for you to realise your kids can be fibbing little fuckers like most kids. Good luck!

@TheSnowyOwl

I’d have left as well. I’m surprised she stayed as long as she did.

When you next few nannies also tell you the same thing and/or leave before long, maybe you’ll look back on this post and be mortified about how badly wrong you got things.

Same here. Used to be a nanny.

You seem most annoyed that you lost your childcare rather than actually appreciating the nanny's POV

You're trusting her to look after your children, the most important job in your family's world. Why on earth wouldn't you trust her to tell the truth?

I can understand why she feels the need to leave. It's not like she's pissing around with spreadsheets for a living or something. She's looking after children, and that takes a big, open heart. I can understand why she feels attacked.

I would listen to each side and then make an informed judgement without just accepting that the caregiver was correct.

I’ve read all your posts, and it doesn’t seem like you know your own children well enough.

I have mixed feelings on this - of course I would want updates about my kids, but quite a lot of this is fairly low level, and the kind of thing that I would expect a nanny to deal with day to day ie your eldest not listening? I would expect a nanny to put in place a consequence, draw a line under it and move on. Same with any behaviour.

I think it’s best for all of you that she has moved on tbh.

You never see the lady that looks after your children??
You could always try looking after your own children then there would be no problems??

Do you seriously expect your DC to own up to misbehaving and being rude?
Of course they’re going to downplay it!

Kids are still denying the behaviour but are upset and shocked she has gone. Now we have no childcare to fit awkward hours. Was it so bad that I wanted to believe my children and will always do so before I trust anyone else?

Yes, I bet they are shocked! It probably didn’t enter their heads that the hired help can and will leave if they are being messed around by the children and unsupported by the parents.
Shocker!

I’d have quit in her shoes too. I bet she’s wondering why she stick it as long as she did. Be prepared to get through a lot of nannies over the next few years.

@Lucillesbigsister but maybe she wasn't allowed to put in any punishments etc as the Op thinks its normal and acceptable for 10'year olds to just ignore
Regardless how would anyone expect a nanny to stay after that conversation ?
You have basically accused them of lying why would they stay?

I stopped reading your original post when I saw you had changed your children’s school for a second time as you felt ‘it had more status’. Poor kids - new country, new school, new teachers, new friends and new nanny. No wonder they’re acting up!

Your nanny left because you undermined her and she felt attacked. Your loss is somebody else’s gain. I hope the nanny is awarded more respect from her next family. Caring for somebody else’s kids is not easy when the parents are not on board.

@MamaWeasel

You lost me when you said you moved schools for one with a better status

Me too Galton and Galton research shows the negative impact of school transitions on pupils

@Mishuckliza

You never see the lady that looks after your children?? You could always try looking after your own children then there would be no problems??

the op sees them at weekends and she works from home on Friday (so assume she gets them up, breakfasts with them, spends times after school with them on a Friday).

Just doesnt see them Monday to Thursday

Sorry OP but your obviously ‘that’ parent. Your darling child will smash a window and you would reply ‘it was a weak window and a small pebble!’

I fully agree with your kids knowing that you listen and believe them but you also need to trust the word of someone you have employed to help look after your children. It’s a tight rope and you have lost your balance in afraid

I think it’s in everyone’s best interests she left.

I think you’re coming across poorly here but I do understand what you’re trying to say hear about listening to your kids. I really do think that’s important. It just doesn’t sound like you’re approaching it right.

I would always want to listen to my kids side of any story. Doesn’t mean I think he’d never do any wrong! It’s useful to hear their perspective on something, but much more in terms of “tell me what happened here” rather than asking them to assess whether they were rude or misbehaved!

I think you’re trying to do the right thing, just missing the mark. And I don’t blame the nanny for leaving- it must have been infuriating for her. And, if you didn’t believe what she was saying (which, essentially you didn’t if instead you simply accept your kids version that they were blameless!) then basically you are inadvertently accusing her of lying to you. Why would you want to empty a “liar”, and why would you ever expect her to stay on in these conditions.