Family history. I don't get it. Can you explain?

[Jessicabrassica]

My mil is obsessed by family history. I am really pleased she has a hobby and she talks about it a lot. (It's a bit like a 10yo talking at you about super heros).

But I really don't get it.
I have told my children stories of the people who were in my life growing up, and some of my mum's stories from growing up. But these are people of whom we have actual meaningful memories and relationships.

I understand there is skill in the detective work but I struggle to see how your 4th cousin 3x removed is actually relevant if you have to find them on the internet and don't know them irl.

I come from a lineage where blood relatives are generally a bad thing. I'm adopted, dm was fostered and df went non-contact with his family. I don't really get 'family'. This might colour my view.
I'd like to get to a point where I understand the relevance if long-dead and unmet relatives. Can anyone help me out?

I don’t think I can help!
Just wanted to say that like you, I see the point in the detective work, but I don’t understand how people feel “connected”.
Perhaps I’m just a misery 😉 but when my grandmother showed me several hundred years of tree (pre Internet!) I was fascinated to look… but couldn’t help but think, one affair, one mistake, one baby brought up by other family member with detail lost in time - and I’m looking at the wrong tree. I can’t get that out of my mind. And even if there’s no mistake - I just don’t feel connected to someone multiple generations back or sideways.
So following with interest!

I think if you’re adopted it isn’t going to mean much to you unless you are generally a social history fan.

My Dad also got very into it in retirement, it’s a common hobby at that age. I think it’s living vicariously - all these different lives that you sort of own a piece of, and although they were mostly ordinary people, with the benefit of distance you see them as representatives of big historical moments (he fought in the Crimea, she was one of the first women clerks) so it makes your family feel important. Plus most families have skeletons like illegitimacy, and there’s the hope you might find a soap opera style millionaire or a master criminal .

I'm a archaeologist/historian by profession so probably not the best person to ask lol but for me it's all about the story. About piecing together someone's story that has long since been forgotten, family history is breathing life into the dry science of my genetics.
I want to discover and tell their stories. It is endlessly fascinating, and there is wonder and beauty be found in even the minutest details of past lives.
I would love your mil

Oh and I have two adopted children so the genetics of it/blood descent doesn't feature for me really. Family has little to do with biology - I am interested in everyone's family history not just mine.

It’s interesting to me to see the lives of ordinary people in the past, as opposed to the people who tradition history has focussed on (ie the wealthy and powerful). For instance, one of my ancestors was a rag and bone man, another was an unmarried mother of a number of children (possibly the father was her employer) who still became the village postmistress. Others ended up in the workhouse. It’s nice to see those stories and know a bit more about the lives of the people who are a bit more like yourself, I guess. Otherwise it’s all kings and queens and lords and ladies, which is all very interesting but not necessarily the most relatable, and not a full picture of the past either.

I love the detective work involved and I enjoy finding out about the places where my ancestors lived, the jobs they did, the lives they lived, but I don't feel any emotional connection to them. When celebs on WDYTYA get really emotional about a great-great-great grandparent, I think it's a bit weird - their stories are interesting and sometimes heart rending but the amount of genetic material you share with that person is tiny and you wouldn't have anyone in your family who would have living memories of that person.

I’ve been doing this for the last 5 years or so - in one branch if my family tree I’m back to the 1500s (but have hit what is known as a brick wall and am unlikely to get back further) - another branch I can’t get out of the 1900s (I’m looking at you, Thomas Thomas from Wales!)

Different people will get different things out of it. I absolutely get why you wouldn’t view it in the same way, so I don’t expect you to feel these reasons yourself and ghat’s absolutely fine. But for me, and many others:

1. The detective work is tremendously satisfying. You genuinely do have moments where you discover an obscure parish record from the 1700s and suddenly you’re able to go back another generation. Or maybe you lose a relative for a few decades then discover them in a census record living with another woman, before moving back in with their daughter in their old age. However the reverse is also true - so many lost records that will never be uncovered mean incredible frustrations knowing you will never be able to get beyond a certain point.
2. You learn a lot of history on the way which can be fascinating if you like that thing.
3. Even if you never know many of the people in your lifetime, you would not be alive without them. I’ve come across several newspaper reports or other records of previous spouses who died and it really makes you think how tenuous our own lives are - if my 4 x great grandfather’s first wife hadn’t died young of tb then he wouldn’t have married the woman who would become my 4 x great grandmother. It’s quite sobering. But yes to a pp - you can never really know if a direct ancestor was truly the child of their parent and that obviously could negate much of your tree.
4. Personally I do look into 2nd cousins etc. It’s not so much because I feel a connection to them but more it helps with the detective work. For example, I was able to discover a still living 2nd cousin twice removed (she actually contacted me) and we’ve become good friends. Thanks to her I was able to see pictures of my great great grandparents that I hadn’t seen, which I was able to show my Nan shortly before she died. It meant a lot to her, she hadn’t seen their faces since she was a little girl. My cousin also grew up with my gg grandmother, so it fleshed out the picture even further. As it happens my cousin turned out to be very well known in Hollywood and her best friend is an a list actress, so that’s been fascinating too!

Just a few reasons. It’s not for everyone - a few of my direct relatives do it too so that’s brought us closer, but my sisters, for example, aren’t at all interested. Different strokes.

Because this brings history to life, and lends a sense of immediacy to it

Thank you. I guess I'm struggling to see the people and the richness of their lives when all you have is a dob, number of siblings, parents jobs ... I'm more interested in the ” our Xmas pudding recipe has been passed down from x who was the kitchen main at Downton" kind of story. That feels tangible. Agatha, born in 1832, one of 8, spinster, died 1873 just feels like data not like an actual person.

To be honest I feel the same about my birth family. They're also nothing but names on a piece of paper

Maybe I'm just stuck between 2 families - 1 where I have genetic links but no social ones and one where I'm not related but I share the social stories.

I love the detective work part. Plus it's fascinating to know how and where my ancestors worked and lived.

Really appreciate your comments - it's not a conversation I could ever have with my mil!

@Luredbyapomegranate

I think if you’re adopted it isn’t going to mean much to you unless you are generally a social history fan.

My Dad also got very into it in retirement, it’s a common hobby at that age. I think it’s living vicariously - all these different lives that you sort of own a piece of, and although they were mostly ordinary people, with the benefit of distance you see them as representatives of big historical moments (he fought in the Crimea, she was one of the first women clerks) so it makes your family feel important. Plus most families have skeletons like illegitimacy, and there’s the hope you might find a soap opera style millionaire or a master criminal .

You’ve really summed this up well. I’m absolutely fascinated with the subject and have travelled widely to follow up on leads. It’s my favourite hobby although I don’t actually have any one to discuss it with. My son does not have contact with his father and I think he’s resentful of my researching unknown people whilst he doesn’t know his father. It’s complex. A mixture of loving research- and being good at it- and the above factors such as living vicariously which I had never really thought about until now.

My grandmother really got into this at one point when I was a teenager. I was mildly interested..but didn't really get it either. I think it may be something that becomes more important to some people as they age and they see themselves as part of a bigger picture, so want to know more. It could also be from an existential angst in that they know they're getting closer to the dead relatives and don't want to be forgotten (very likely something subconscious though, if that).

I've heard it's extremely important to some African Americans who are descendants of slaves to trace their ancestors. This can be obviously pretty difficult detective work, sometimes impossible. But it's about knowing where they came from and knowing who they are. I think that as someone who could follow my Grandmother's work, or start out and do it myself for the other side of the family, I have the 'luxury' of knowing. But for people who don't have the same 'luxury' it can feel like being 'lesser' in some way than other people.

So going back to your MIL, knowing the ancestral tree can make the family more concrete, an actual historical fact. It can make her feel part of something bigger.

However, it's also not always easy to deal with what's found out - for the individual or for the living member they speak about it too. My GM has roots that were very much 'downstairs'. She herself grew up in great poverty. She was very excited to see that a relative had a baby with the man from the Big House. This brought my GM some status. She talked about it. To me however, it was sad as the chances of this being a consensual relationship were very slim. And the maid wasn't taken care of afterwards - it was an 'illegitimate' baby. My GM's reaction to ignore the plight of the maid (actual relative) over the delight that she was impregnated by a rich man was a bit of an eye-opener.

@Jessicabrassica I think it’s a bit thoughtless and insensitive of her to make it such a big topic of conversation.

Since my last remaining relative died at the start of 2020 I have spent a bit of time looking into my family history but only because I found suitcases full of old photos, letters and birth/marriage/death certificates going back many generations. I never thought I’d be the kind of person to show any interest in this as I left home at 18 and have nothing good to say bout either oh my parents or my upbringing BUT I’ve been pretty quick to learn that almost no one is interested in me talking about it - so I don’t.

I agree with you op. I am only interested in people in my family who are

-Living and known personally and closely to me
-Or feature in stories told by parents/grandparents/in-laws

I cannot understand how my 3rd cousin or great great grandmother or whoever has any relevance.

I hear my nan86 talking about her mother and her grandmother about how they lived how they earned a living and would always be fascinated. It would be nice to know more about these things like great grandparents that we never knew but I couldn't be bothered investigating maybe 1 day I will when I have more time on my hands.

When my dad died we found medals in the house belonging to my grandad and another relative (who predated my grandparents) and I would like to know who they were. There is initials and a surname but I don't know who they belong to, which I would like to find.

Talking of old photos, if your elderly relatives have ancient photos they love talking about, and telling you who the people are, please make sure that their identities are recorded somewhere. I'm in the unfortunate position of having around 200 old black and white photos, some well over a hundred years old, I don't know who most of the people are, and there's no-one left alive to ask.

Even if you aren't interested yourself, please mention it to older family members, and someone in years to come will be really grateful!

The detective work is satisfying. Im really into history and it helps me learn all sorts about stuff thats much more relevant to real life.

I think the thing for me is about turning an old story passed down through the family into something more. Turning dates into 3 dimensional characters. And finding the truth about the story is somewhat different.

My family has a number of photographers in it. And the photos survived. So it started off being about finding out about those.

Then i started looking at DH's family and uncovered a family secret and a second family. This then explained a lot about DH's fathers childhood because of what happened to his grandfather.

Theres also weird parents that seem to go through families. Im in touch with 4th cousins - there are still tremendous similarities between my family and hers despite our genetic line splitting in the 1870s.

Its hard to explain - finding a single detail like an address or a service number can open up a huge new avenue of research. You can suddenly find yourself reading newspaper articles about murders in the 1880s (newspapers were a lot more graphic back then).

It can almost become a soap opera with certain characters. But these characters have helped shape the life youve then had.

Whats striking is how a single event can lead to the fortune of a family being wrecked for 3 or 4 generations. It highlights how fragile things are and life is.

Its hard to explain.

Ive also looked at my best friend's family tree. Her dad was a real maverick. Turns out his mother's family had some highly unusual characters in it who were MPs. But MPs who really did serve the community and basically told authority to fuck off. Clearly this is something instilled into the family for generations!

I think unless you do it its hard to really understand though.

@Cherrytart23

I hear my nan86 talking about her mother and her grandmother about how they lived how they earned a living and would always be fascinated. It would be nice to know more about these things like great grandparents that we never knew but I couldn't be bothered investigating maybe 1 day I will when I have more time on my hands.

When that day comes, you will be kicking yourself that you didn't pay more attention, trust me! So make some notes now.

I'm with you, OP - I've often thought the same. It's a great hobby for those who are interested, but, like with many hobbies, I fail to see the fascination.

As PPs, I'm interested in what people did at certain times in history, but it makes no odds to me whether they happen to be biologically linked to me or not.

It's a sobering thought, but you'll never actually be known by and be significant to any more than three generations of your family (as well as your own) - possibly four at a real push. To all generations before and after those ones, you will be a complete stranger and have no personal importance at all. Your name, wealth/possessions and reputation/preserved wisdom may 'know' more generations, but nothing much else.

I'm not interested In family trees but am fascinated in finding out about some of my ancestors My uncle was in Bomber command as part of a Lancester crew during the war & was shot down in February 1945, through the Internet I have been able to find where his plane was found after being shot down, my dad & his family never knew, they thought it had never been found. My other uncle committed suicide in 1974, my grandad, my aunty & my dad didn't find out until after he was buried, his wife was heartless enough to tell my grandad by letter, none of the family knew how he had killed himself, I was able to get a copy of his death certificate so my dad could have closure. We now have a photograph of my Uncle who died in the war's grave, he is buried in the Reichwald forest military cemetery.

I'm fascinated in WW2 & have so many memories that my dad gave me by telling me stories about his childhood & stuff about during the war. He was brought up round the corner from where I grew up & I have been able to pass them on to ds so that they won't die with me. My dad went to the same school that I went to for primary, me & my brother played on the same field & in the same river he did & ds has as well, we have so much history in common in our area. I keep on thinking one day I will write my parent's life story so that I can give it to ds to keep so that he will know where he came from.

I have 'inherited' papers, photos and a portrait of her from my deceased sister-in-law, since my brother also died. I can't trace any of her relatives, but it feels disrespectful to just throw these things away. If I could trace relatives, they might be glad to have them. Any suggestions?

It can link you in to wider social history too. Some of my family moved from Cornwall to S Wales in the 1840s/early 1850s I am am interested to understand how they came to move to the S Wales coal fields - how did they know there was work there?