Adult ADHD “I can’t do that now - I’ve got that thing at 3!”

[SparrowBird]

I’ve just watched a skit by Connor DeWolfe on Instagram, he’s a young man who has ADHD and posts really relatable content! It went:

• Why haven’t you done anything today?
• I’ve got a thing at 3pm. I can’t do anything until I’m finished with that thing.
• Why can’t you do anything until you’re done with the thing?
• Because I have the thing!!

It really made me smile because I’m exactly the same. I had a meeting first thing which finished at 11am. I have another meeting at 2:30 and I simply can’t do anything until that meeting! I can’t focus on another task or think about anything else, until the 2:30 meeting is done!

Anyone else?!

Yes @Bohe Every damned day!

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor I agree with this. People just don't get how far reaching and debilitating ADHD can be. Your analogy with ME is spot on.

I can be a bit like that too 🤦🏻‍♀️

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor

I don’t know why there are so many people just coming in to minimise. ADHD mainly manifests as behaviours that are in the NT population but for us the frequency, intensity and/or duration is not typical. The impact on our lives is not typical. It’s like saying ‘well everyone gets tired’ to someone with ME.

Thanks, this is excellent.

Or "everyone worries sometimes" to somebody with an anxiety disorder, or "I like to keep a clean hour too" to somebody with OCD

The minimising by others makes things very difficult. It makes me worry hugely for any of our DC who are neurodiverse, as the implication is that the general public believe it’s all ‘made up’ or that somehow these children magically grow out of it before adulthood. I don’t often dare post on ADHD threads because of the minimising and ignorance. I’m sure I should be trying to educate, but it’s hard enough just coping!

@Bohe
That happens to me a lot. I can be so easily distracted and go off doing other things unrelated to what I should be doing. Although at times I can also focus too much on something to the exclusion of everything else. It’s two extremes with me.

I’ve actually today written myself a day by day plan to do everything I need to do in the run up to Christmas. I find if I write things down and can tick them off, I am more focused.

So I do nothing at all and then make myself sick with shame and guilt. Doesn't make sense because I know I'm capable but I just can't do The Task sometimes.

This is like a mirror into my soul. The guilt and shame, oh the guilt and shame! Made even worse because it’s a task that literally may take just an hour, or even 20 minutes. Postponed and postponed for weeks sometimes, but every day, is at the back of my mind like a little ball of worry.

@BogRollBOGOF

Yep, my brain fires like that. It's the fear of getting engrossed into something else and missing The Thing.

On textbook MN threads about lateness, you'll get "if you can turn up on time for the GP/ plane..." yes I can turn up on time for Important Things, but it has quite a big cost in pulling it off that can't be applied to everything. Also being 10 minutes late for my friends doesn't spark the same kind of urgency/ fear. If it did, they wouldn't be my kind of friends anyway!

OP, this is me my whole life. If I had an appointment on a day off, I just wouldn't do anything else until it was over with. Even if it was in the afternoon. I'd spend the morning either staring at my phone or napping - I couldn't bear to 'get started' on anything else. It's like my mind is scared to get engrossed in anything else until i'm 'free'.

@BogRollBOGOF
I really don't like that attitude about being late for friends. I'm terrible for being late for things, but I would NEVER be late for something that impacted on someone else. Just think that's selfish and makes me think you don't value your friends or their time or think they're important.

@Bohe

Does anyone else do this?!

Sometimes when I have a Very Important Task to complete instead of just getting on with the VIT I will do a hundred other Unimportant Tasks instead.

Today I was supposed to clean my living room before 5pm. Instead of just doing it, I have repotted my largest houseplants, made a full roast dinner, and done several loads of laundry.

Othertimes I get stuck in a loop and nothing gets done. Like I need to clean living room and I WANT to do it but I just can't. So I do nothing at all and then make myself sick with shame and guilt. Doesn't make sense because I know I'm capable but I just can't do The Task sometimes.

Yes. I am terrible for not doing the VIT and instead doing other random Shit.

Then the VIT us suddenly due and I have to work at crazy levels of stress to get it done.

My dh is the opposite of this although he has a lot of ADHD traits. So if he has a meeting from home he will finish at 11.30 and next meeting begins at 12. He will decide he can mow the lawn in that half hour..self employed so not answerable to anyone. But there is not enough time and then he gets into a panic getting on line etc..EVERYTIME. Never thinks l should chill..write a few notes and ease gently into next meeting.
Same if l say dinner will be ready at 6.30 he will begin a big job at 6.25 and is all stressed that he hasn't got it finished. I would nearly find it easier if he only could handle one thing in the day as its constant running behind/ stress..on him not me as l decided years ago not to get involved in his timekeeping .

So how would you deal with say going to work 8-4 if you were meeting friend for dinner at 6.30? Would you be unproductive at work all day/anxious etc?

I don’t think this is especially ADD though - I’m sure it can be, but it could equally apply to people who procrastinate, have anxiety, or for that matter people who have rigid thinking for example some on the autism spectrum.

This is why I don't do exercise in the evening. I spend all day worrying about it and can't "settle". I have to force myself up in the morning and out the door. Spent all this morning debating internally about whether to go for a lunchtime walk and where, no daylight for 4 days now! Due to WFH and horrible side effects of covid booster. Lately I've been hideously unproductive. Worse than ever. And I hate myself for it. I've lost a text book a colleague has leant me and just spent an hour worrying about where to look for it rather than just looking for it.

When I worked part time and had a day off in the week I got nothing done after school drop off as I spent all day waiting to go and do pick up. Literally faffed about for 6 hours. Have to have all appointments first thing now if possible.

One symptom of ADHD is task initiation. I have problems with this BIG TIME. It's not simply 'procrastination' because it's not a lack or will power it's a problem with your brain wiring. You can't make yourself do it. You need help to initiate the task. The help could be Medication which helps to bridge the gap, help from somebody else to get started, or a big enough cortisol and adrenaline spike (this is an unreliable way of bridging the gap as it can go the other way and instead of motivation to act it can freeze you in inaction). Once you get started you can't understand what's wrong with you, why couldn't you just start? It's because it's not a perfect circuit, those parts are not connected unless you have a bridge between the two parts of the circuit. You can narrow the gap in all kinds of ways, there are things that help improve task initiation, but if this is how your brain works you need a bridge. For me the things that work are stimulants (sometimes caffeine, exercise or when I smoked nicotine would be a bridge for me, Antidepressants sometimes work, stimulant drugs are much more reliable a bridge), help from other people, or stress and adrenaline bought on by an impending disaster if I don't do something. It's not simply a case of 'getting started' it's a case of finding a way to bridge a neurological deficit.

@Luredbyapomegranate

I don’t think this is especially ADD though - I’m sure it can be, but it could equally apply to people who procrastinate, have anxiety, or for that matter people who have rigid thinking for example some on the autism spectrum.

Are you a psychiatrist who specialises in ADHD and you are sharing your professional opinion? Or are you just trying to minimise and dismiss people who say this is a debilitating ADHD symptom?

Of course other disorders can have similar symptoms, nobody is saying that only people with ADHD experience this but we are discussing ADHD specifically and not autism or anxiety.

See @WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor great reply.

I'm just so tired of people who don't have a clue what it's like to be an adult with ADHD pooh-poohing us as if we're not legit or just making excuses.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

So how would you deal with say going to work 8-4 if you were meeting friend for dinner at 6.30? Would you be unproductive at work all day/anxious etc?

Personally I might be a bit anxious about being late meeting my friend or not finishing work in time and have to cancel or something but (usually!) I can hyperfocus on my job and distract myself. I won't allow myself to think about meeting my friend until I have left work.

I'm like this and if I just have one thing to do in a day, it stops me starting anything else. But I don't have ADHD and there is no ADHD in my family.
I wonder if it's nothing to do with ADHD but rather a personality trait?

Depends whether my job is something I find stimulating (in which case I will hyper focus until work ends) or something I don't find stimulating enough (in which case I will be thinking about seeing my friend all day). If the former I might forget I'm seeing my friend at all until work finishes. I might even finish late and then be in a flat panic once I leave. Or the latter I might be so stressed out I have to cancel so I can concentrate on work, or leave early if I can for the social engagement, or leave work early and cancel the social engagement.

@Kippersfortea

One symptom of ADHD is task initiation. I have problems with this BIG TIME. It's not simply 'procrastination' because it's not a lack or will power it's a problem with your brain wiring. You can't make yourself do it. You need help to initiate the task. The help could be Medication which helps to bridge the gap, help from somebody else to get started, or a big enough cortisol and adrenaline spike (this is an unreliable way of bridging the gap as it can go the other way and instead of motivation to act it can freeze you in inaction). Once you get started you can't understand what's wrong with you, why couldn't you just start? It's because it's not a perfect circuit, those parts are not connected unless you have a bridge between the two parts of the circuit. You can narrow the gap in all kinds of ways, there are things that help improve task initiation, but if this is how your brain works you need a bridge. For me the things that work are stimulants (sometimes caffeine, exercise or when I smoked nicotine would be a bridge for me, Antidepressants sometimes work, stimulant drugs are much more reliable a bridge), help from other people, or stress and adrenaline bought on by an impending disaster if I don't do something. It's not simply a case of 'getting started' it's a case of finding a way to bridge a neurological deficit.

This with bells on. All my life. My mum used to have to sit in the room with me to enable me to start my a level assignments. Id have left them so late I'd be crying with anxiety by that point.

I joined an online writing retreat on Friday to try to get cracking with my master's work. It was only for an hour and a half but it was brilliant, just having someone there monitoring and dividing the time into chunks. Then after every chunk we had to feed back what we'd done. Brilliant! I need one every day.

@Luredbyapomegranate

I don’t think this is especially ADD though - I’m sure it can be, but it could equally apply to people who procrastinate, have anxiety, or for that matter people who have rigid thinking for example some on the autism spectrum.

It definitely is a well known ADHD behaviour. Of course it comes alongside a whole raft of other traits and symptoms, but it absolutely is “especially AD(H)D)” - ADD isn’t a thing now, that’s now called inattentive ADHD.

@madisonbridges

I'm like this and if I just have one thing to do in a day, it stops me starting anything else. But I don't have ADHD and there is no ADHD in my family. I wonder if it's nothing to do with ADHD but rather a personality trait?

Maybe you do have ADHD? It is massively underdiagnosed in girls and women.

Or maybe you are just a procrastinator. Doesn't mean it's not an ADHD symptom. Because it is a well documented one. Personally, it's one of the worst, it ruins my life.

Quoting this great comment:

<span class="italic">WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor</span>

<span class="italic">I don’t know why there are so many people just coming in to minimise. ADHD mainly manifests as behaviours that are in the NT population but for us the frequency, intensity and/or duration is not typical. The impact on our lives is not typical. It’s like saying ‘well everyone gets tired’ to someone with ME.</span>

This describes me to a T. I'm diagnosed with autism but I often wonder if I should have an adhd assessment.

This is the thing with ADHD, it's just full of contradictions isn't it. It's why my family find it hard to understand me.

One day I may be unable to do anything because my brain has activated "Wait Mode" but then on other occasions (which is more often) my brain believes I'm able to do anything and everything in very unrealistic time scales.