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Original poster

DH didn’t come home from night out without a text how mad would you be?!

361 replies

Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 07:18

I’ve name changed for this but been around quite a long time.

Like 100’s of others DH’s went on his Christmas night out last night, he told me he would be leaving around 2300 to catch the bus and as of yet has still not appeared.

A few details so I’m not drip feeding, DH is an all round good guy, very family oriented and last time he went out was 4 years ago. He is however very happy and gregarious when he’s had a few pints and over the years has woke up the next again day regretting life decisions (Yeager bombs, clubs (deffo not a club person) etc)

He is on the force’s, which are traditionally messy as nights out go, he has his ID card with him which is why I’m definitely not panicking as has access to base/accommodation etc and military personnel quite often book a room for after a night as sometimes quarters are quite far from base city centre etc.

We probably are quite independent compared to some as DH is often away on courses/meetings etc so he can go for dinner and watch football and I might not hear from him until the next day and likewise with my plans.

I’m not well, no COVID thankfully but have been in my bed for the last 4 days and DH has been fabulous with work, children, life admin etc. He said he couldn’t miss tonight, had to show face hence telling me it wouldn’t be late.

He’s 100% been swept up in tide of social expectation, drinking games but I actually feel so hurt that he didn’t see fit to send a text and I’ve laid awake most of the night (mostly with rage) because I’ve kept the front door unlocked.

He’ll definitely play the my “phone died” and “I missed my bus” card but I did get a wee bit stalkery at 0230 and checked last time on WatsApp which was 2300 ish so he definitely had a point up until then to make contact!

How angry would you be and how would you play this when you hear from him?

I’m predicting the “Hi, I’m really sorry” WatsApp within the next hour!!!

OP posts:
Gearedtoyou · 02/12/2021 10:32

[quote TallulahsCurse]@Aroundtheworldin80moves no I wouldn't give a time or expect him to. Never have done, never will do.[/quote]
So you have no one who'd be worried for you if something had gone horribly wrong? That's no way to live either.

ItsALife · 02/12/2021 10:33

It’s not just with nights out surely you worry about your partner in every day life? As I said earlier my DP is in the fire service so if he was hours late home from a shift I wouldn’t worry but if I was a few hours late home from work without telling him he’d think i’d been in an accident. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t tell your spouse these things? It literally takes no time?

I wouldn’t not tell him I’m going to be a few hours late home from work just because I’m a grown adult- it’s common curtesy!

CornishGem1975 · 02/12/2021 10:33

I'd be hopping!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Bookworm20 · 02/12/2021 10:33

@SpinsForGin

What I'm wondering is why are adults making time expectations at all? Why does OPs DH need to say I'll get the 11.30 bus at all? Why can't he stay out until he wants to come home? That's what I feel is a bit off / needy. It's a pair of adults, why are they having to give a bus time like a teenager?

You're missing the point........it's not about being forced to come home at a certain time. I'm going out tomorrow and I've decided ( all on my own, no coercion from DH) that i'll be getting the 10.30 train home and i've told my DH that because we talk and we tell each other our plans. That's normal!! If I didn't get that train home, didn't come home at all and didn't tell my DH this he would be worried - that's understandable!

This.
Worldgonecrazy · 02/12/2021 10:34

I would be fucking livid.

It’s another area where we have such low expectations. Can you imagine how many men would be okay with their partner doing this?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 02/12/2021 10:35

I've stopped asking for those kinds of updates now as my DH would say I'm just having one more, someone has just bought a drink etc and that would piss me off more. Similarly if I'm on a night out he might text asking if I'm ok as I'm a woman and he worries more but I don't expect to have to give times unless we have something on the next day.

SpinsForGin · 02/12/2021 10:36

[quote TallulahsCurse]@Aroundtheworldin80moves no I wouldn't give a time or expect him to. Never have done, never will do.[/quote]
Never?
Do you never discuss your plans?

SmellyOldOwls · 02/12/2021 10:37

I'd be really angry at this. It's ok to be annoyed and to have limits of what's acceptable behavior, you don't have to roll over and accept everything your partner wants to do if you're not ok with it.

Smorgasborb · 02/12/2021 10:37

FOUR YEARS?! Poor guy.
TBH time runs away with you sometimes. Sometimes the mood and the wine takes you and the next thing you know it's daylight or your drink brain says 'it's all fine!!'

I once went for 'a quick drink' at my neighbours at 7pm on a Tuesday because I'd got home after yoga and found I'd forgotten my keys and DH was out with mates. At some point our other neighbour pitched up. I looked at the clock - 10pm. DH wouldn't even be on last orders yet. Loads of time! Both neighbours v good friends.

Next time I looked at the clock it was 3am. Fuck knows how but that time flew by. His flat was like a time slip (mainly Wine). Dug phone out of bag. DH had been madly calling but stopped. In my stupor I thought I'd best ignore it and deal with it in the morning and I'd just wake him up and make him cross if I texted or he'd tell me off so carried on drinking until 6 am when I went home.

He wasn't cross because he'd heard me cackling next door but the point remains! Cut him some slack. Laugh and tell him he's a twat and move on

I'd like to say this even was in my teenage years but I reckon I was late 30's!

TallulahsCurse · 02/12/2021 10:38

@Gearedtoyou sorry what? How on earth have you got from, we don't expect times from each other to we wouldn't be worried? If either of us didn't come home at all / prolonged period of time of course we would, don't be absolutely ludicrous. But I don't expect to know what time bus he would be on, or whether he was coming home that night or the next morning.

Gearedtoyou · 02/12/2021 10:40

This man didn't come home and you're saying that's fine? You don't think it was reasonable that OP would be worried?

InPraiseOfBacchus · 02/12/2021 10:40

Deeply unfashionable for MN but I personally wouldn't expect a text. I'm a partner to an adult, not their mother.

My partner doesn't text me when they've got to work safely, even though it's a three hour drive. I think driving is at least as dangerous as going on a night out as an adult man.

It's not nice being left alone when you're sick but unless you're incapacitated to the point of putting yourself/your dependents in danger, it's just part of life, surely?

If you would prefer a check-in via text in this situation, that's fine, but it's YOUR preference, not a universal necessity! Totally fine to talk about this preference with your partner, rather than admonish them for an imagined crime.

Background: I'm a military spouse but no kids.

Whinge · 02/12/2021 10:41

If either of us didn't come home at all / prolonged period of time of course we would

At what point would you worry? A prolonged period of time is different for everyone. If you have no idea about your partners plans would you wait until morning, or think ah they're not home they must have stayed over at a friends. What if they didn't appear by midday? Ah they must have gone out for food they'll be back soon.

MollysDolly · 02/12/2021 10:41

With the history, that he's not been out in 4 years, he's been a bit of a tit, but I'd grumble a bit, then leave it.

There was heavy drinking. It wasn't like at midnight, he was gently sipping a brandy in the library, and consciously thought "OP doesn't deserve the courtesy of an update". He was probably hammered. And has slept at the military accommodation.

It's a military bash. My first husband was in the military. I know exactly the state he'll be in. And OP if you are a long term military wife, who knows perfectly well how heavy these events are, I'm surprised you're even posting this. It's a different league to civilian parties, which I think is where a lot of posters are drawing experience from.

If my ex husband did this, as a military man, at a military do, I'd annoyed but somewhat expecting it. Whether you debate the if and what's, you know it's just what happens. They know they're safe, with a bed to fall into on base, so they really let loose.

SpinsForGin · 02/12/2021 10:41

@Smorgasborb

FOUR YEARS?! Poor guy. TBH time runs away with you sometimes. Sometimes the mood and the wine takes you and the next thing you know it's daylight or your drink brain says 'it's all fine!!'

I once went for 'a quick drink' at my neighbours at 7pm on a Tuesday because I'd got home after yoga and found I'd forgotten my keys and DH was out with mates. At some point our other neighbour pitched up. I looked at the clock - 10pm. DH wouldn't even be on last orders yet. Loads of time! Both neighbours v good friends.

Next time I looked at the clock it was 3am. Fuck knows how but that time flew by. His flat was like a time slip (mainly Wine). Dug phone out of bag. DH had been madly calling but stopped. In my stupor I thought I'd best ignore it and deal with it in the morning and I'd just wake him up and make him cross if I texted or he'd tell me off so carried on drinking until 6 am when I went home.

He wasn't cross because he'd heard me cackling next door but the point remains! Cut him some slack. Laugh and tell him he's a twat and move on

I'd like to say this even was in my teenage years but I reckon I was late 30's!

Did he at least know you were at your neighbours? or did he not know whether you'd returned home from yoga?
BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 10:42

So he stayed out all night without telling your mum, and when you got up to go to school he wasn't there?

Try to follow the conversation. The culture of getting pissed but still being able to get up the next day and do whatever was required.

Gearedtoyou · 02/12/2021 10:43

@BoredZelda

So he stayed out all night without telling your mum, and when you got up to go to school he wasn't there?

Try to follow the conversation. The culture of getting pissed but still being able to get up the next day and do whatever was required.

He couldn't get up and do what was needed. He wasn't there!
garlictwist · 02/12/2021 10:43

I wouldn't mind that he stayed out all night but I would mind not getting a text to tell me. Otherwise I'd just worry something had happened.

TallulahsCurse · 02/12/2021 10:44

@Gearedtoyou

This man didn't come home and you're saying that's fine? You don't think it was reasonable that OP would be worried?
I don't know how many times I can write it. He said he'd be home at a time and he wasn't - yes ok fine be worried - I wouldn't be worried at that point, but each to their own.

What I don't think is at all reasonable in the first place is that there was ever any time expectations set. That shouldn't happen. They're adults.

ILoveYou3000 · 02/12/2021 10:46

@TallulahsCurse

It matters to me why OP needed to know though. She didn't. This shouldn't have been an issue over what bus, as he should have just been allowed to go for a night out and come back when he was done!
Where does it say OP needed to know? Her husband told her when he planned to come home. He chose that time. Perhaps because his wife was poorly and he thought he should make the effort to get home to support her. Then once he got a drink in him things changed. A text is all that was needed.

DP and I always give an indication of when we'll be home from nights out. Sometimes things have ran over or plans change, quick 30 second text 'off to x with y, be home later/don't wait up'. We also have a standing agreement we can text when leaving and if the other is still awake we'll go to pick them up, as getting a cab can be a nightmare.

Ellen888 · 02/12/2021 10:46

Bored

'Try to follow the conversation'

Please lose the put-downs.

'The culture of getting pissed but still being able to get up the next day and do whatever was required.'

But that isn't what is happening in the thread is it?

TallulahsCurse · 02/12/2021 10:48

@ILoveYou3000 well she started the thread so she obviously felt she needed to know!

@Whinge I'd not worry until about 24 hours later.

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 02/12/2021 10:49

Why does OPs DH need to say I'll get the 11.30 bus at all? Why can't he stay out until he wants to come home? That's what I feel is a bit off / needy. It's a pair of adults, why are they having to give a bus time like a teenager

Because the OP was so unwell before he went out that he needed to help her to the bathroom & said about seeing the Dr today etc.

He shouldn't have even bloody gone, let alone not come home and not let her know he wasn't going to, is extremely shit.

The children are an 8yo & 2 teens. Someone needs to be up making sure they get to school, possibly even taking them.

He's been unloving & selfish - then texts what he did. I'd have told him not to bloody bother!

BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 10:50

What I'm wondering is why are adults making time expectations at all?

My husband usually WFH but went to the office at some ungodly hour this morning. He has a lunch at some point for someone who is leaving. He hasn’t told me when he will be home, because we rarely discuss that on a day to day basis. He’s usually home from the office around 3. At what point do you think I should be concerned if he doesn’t come home? Tea time? 9pm? Bedtime? When I get up tomorrow?

Is expecting he will be home at his usual time, making demands on him?

Gearedtoyou · 02/12/2021 10:50

What I don't think is at all reasonable in the first place is that there was ever any time expectations set. That shouldn't happen. They're adults.

You wouldn't expect to know that he won't be back by morning? Or to let him know you'll be out all night and not there when the children wake up?