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Original poster

DH didn’t come home from night out without a text how mad would you be?!

361 replies

Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 07:18

I’ve name changed for this but been around quite a long time.

Like 100’s of others DH’s went on his Christmas night out last night, he told me he would be leaving around 2300 to catch the bus and as of yet has still not appeared.

A few details so I’m not drip feeding, DH is an all round good guy, very family oriented and last time he went out was 4 years ago. He is however very happy and gregarious when he’s had a few pints and over the years has woke up the next again day regretting life decisions (Yeager bombs, clubs (deffo not a club person) etc)

He is on the force’s, which are traditionally messy as nights out go, he has his ID card with him which is why I’m definitely not panicking as has access to base/accommodation etc and military personnel quite often book a room for after a night as sometimes quarters are quite far from base city centre etc.

We probably are quite independent compared to some as DH is often away on courses/meetings etc so he can go for dinner and watch football and I might not hear from him until the next day and likewise with my plans.

I’m not well, no COVID thankfully but have been in my bed for the last 4 days and DH has been fabulous with work, children, life admin etc. He said he couldn’t miss tonight, had to show face hence telling me it wouldn’t be late.

He’s 100% been swept up in tide of social expectation, drinking games but I actually feel so hurt that he didn’t see fit to send a text and I’ve laid awake most of the night (mostly with rage) because I’ve kept the front door unlocked.

He’ll definitely play the my “phone died” and “I missed my bus” card but I did get a wee bit stalkery at 0230 and checked last time on WatsApp which was 2300 ish so he definitely had a point up until then to make contact!

How angry would you be and how would you play this when you hear from him?

I’m predicting the “Hi, I’m really sorry” WatsApp within the next hour!!!

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 02/12/2021 10:09

This was one of the bug bears of my exh op.

He would go out and not come home when he said he would and not let me know he was ok, just staying out later. This meant I wouldn't be able to sleep until he was home and he just couldn't understand what the problem was.

He then said when we separated that I didn't let him go out with his mates! Erm, I had no problem with him going out but behaving like a teenager when he did and not a 40-something father of two was where I had the issue. I didn't want to act like his mum any more than he wanted me to yet he didn't seem to realise that a simple text or all to let me know he wasn't dead or injured would solve everything!

So I get it op and I would be very angry at the lack of respect and courtesy to let you know he woulnd't be back but he is ok.

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/12/2021 10:10

I have never slept better since we separated funnily enough and it turned out he was having an affair, which makes a lot of things makes sense now.

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2021 10:11

To be perfectly honest, if I was so seriously ill that it meant I had to spend 4 days in bed, my DH wouldn't have gone anywhere and I wouldn't have been able to make him.

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Relationship problems
TallulahsCurse · 02/12/2021 10:13

I get that people are saying if someone has said they will be home at xyz time and then they're not then that's annoying and you'd be pissed off.

What I'm wondering is why are adults making time expectations at all? Why does OPs DH need to say I'll get the 11.30 bus at all? Why can't he stay out until he wants to come home? That's what I feel is a bit off / needy. It's a pair of adults, why are they having to give a bus time like a teenager?

With all respect as well if OP is that unwell and it was that much of a serious problem then an adult conversation should have been had that now maybe wasn't a good time to go out if she were struggling. As he has gone out, it can't be that serious / unsafe as if it was he wouldn't have been able to leave her alone with the children at all. There has to be some compromise.

Magicpaintbrush · 02/12/2021 10:14

It's hardly difficult or time consuming to drop your OH a text to say you are going to be out all night and where so that they don't stay up all night worrying. It's a 90 second job. I'm not surprised the OP is pissed off, I would be as well. All this 'cool wife' stuff is actually quite tedious - I don't know anyone irl who would be okay with their husband going off radar for an entire night when they've originally said they will be coming home - they would be wondering what the fuck was going on. There's this thing called basic manners, and the OPs DH has clearly forgotten his. And, if I'm totally honest, I would be worrying that he'd got drunk and carried away with some woman from work.

user0176 · 02/12/2021 10:17

Why can't he stay out until he wants to come home? That's what I feel is a bit off / needy. It's a pair of adults, why are they having to give a bus time like a teenager?

And just leave the OP to sort the kids? (Whilst ill) They have joint responsibilities, it's completely normal and respectful to agree when each will be away and back again.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 02/12/2021 10:18

My DH has done this once when we had a massive argument and he stayed at a mate's. I did call the police but he came home around midday. However we had argued AND we were very young. On the other hand I went out on my work do a few years ago and got lost in an unfamiliar part of London. Lost my purse and Oyster card and missed the last train. Taxi refused to take me as I had no money. My phone died. I came home about 8 the next morning and he did have a go at me. Understandably he was really worried and I should've got the train or taxi home with others (I arranged a taxi for other people then stayed out). I will never do that again and it was very out of character. Just trying to give you another side of it really.

Hen2018 · 02/12/2021 10:19

16/18 years ago you had 3 small children and “baby vomit”.

But in a later post, 16/18 years ago you were pre-children.

Where did the baby vomit come from?

TallulahsCurse · 02/12/2021 10:20

@user0176

Why can't he stay out until he wants to come home? That's what I feel is a bit off / needy. It's a pair of adults, why are they having to give a bus time like a teenager?

And just leave the OP to sort the kids? (Whilst ill) They have joint responsibilities, it's completely normal and respectful to agree when each will be away and back again.

Yes - it's one night. Sorry I do agree with PPs on here saying it's off.
ItsALife · 02/12/2021 10:21

What I'm wondering is why are adults making time expectations at all? Why does OPs DH need to say I'll get the 11.30 bus at all? Why can't he stay out until he wants to come home? That's what I feel is a bit off / needy. It's a pair of adults, why are they having to give a bus time like a teenager?

Mutual respect for each other? Because presumably they are a team and it’s nice to know what the other one is doing so you’re not sat up worrying? They have kids together?

That being said, on the (rare) times I go out on a proper night out I tell DP not to wait up as I’ll be back late and try not to give a time so I don’t have to stick to it to avoid him worrying. If he woke up the next day and I wasn’t home he’d be beside himself, as I would be if it was the other way around. I am genuinely baffled that some people don’t seem to care? At what point would you be worried when your partners didn’t come home? Confused

SpinsForGin · 02/12/2021 10:22

What I'm wondering is why are adults making time expectations at all? Why does OPs DH need to say I'll get the 11.30 bus at all? Why can't he stay out until he wants to come home? That's what I feel is a bit off / needy. It's a pair of adults, why are they having to give a bus time like a teenager?

You're missing the point........it's not about being forced to come home at a certain time. I'm going out tomorrow and I've decided ( all on my own, no coercion from DH) that i'll be getting the 10.30 train home and i've told my DH that because we talk and we tell each other our plans. That's normal!! If I didn't get that train home, didn't come home at all and didn't tell my DH this he would be worried - that's understandable!

JudgeJ · 02/12/2021 10:23

Maybe for the squaddies but IME the Officers behave a bit better.

As someone else has already said, that's even funnier, that the Officers behave better! They may be better at keeping it behind closed doors but believe me, they can behave far worse, their main advantage is that the RMPs, or whatever military policing organisations are involved, are reluctant to get involved.

TallulahsCurse · 02/12/2021 10:24

@ItsALife

What I'm wondering is why are adults making time expectations at all? Why does OPs DH need to say I'll get the 11.30 bus at all? Why can't he stay out until he wants to come home? That's what I feel is a bit off / needy. It's a pair of adults, why are they having to give a bus time like a teenager?

Mutual respect for each other? Because presumably they are a team and it’s nice to know what the other one is doing so you’re not sat up worrying? They have kids together?

That being said, on the (rare) times I go out on a proper night out I tell DP not to wait up as I’ll be back late and try not to give a time so I don’t have to stick to it to avoid him worrying. If he woke up the next day and I wasn’t home he’d be beside himself, as I would be if it was the other way around. I am genuinely baffled that some people don’t seem to care? At what point would you be worried when your partners didn’t come home? Confused

That's my point and it comes with respect for each other in my opinion. Why do adults need to give times? To my mind it's respecting that each of you is their own, adult person, who shouldn't be expected to give a time to the other one if they've gone out.

If my DH didn't come home at all I'd worry the next day of course as he does come home, but I wouldn't dream of expecting or wanting him to tell me what time bus he'd get. That just patronising and disrespectful of another adult.

Gearedtoyou · 02/12/2021 10:24

@SpinsForGin

What I'm wondering is why are adults making time expectations at all? Why does OPs DH need to say I'll get the 11.30 bus at all? Why can't he stay out until he wants to come home? That's what I feel is a bit off / needy. It's a pair of adults, why are they having to give a bus time like a teenager?

You're missing the point........it's not about being forced to come home at a certain time. I'm going out tomorrow and I've decided ( all on my own, no coercion from DH) that i'll be getting the 10.30 train home and i've told my DH that because we talk and we tell each other our plans. That's normal!! If I didn't get that train home, didn't come home at all and didn't tell my DH this he would be worried - that's understandable!

Yes, it's not about having a curfew it's just letting someone know out of courtesy, so you know to lock up and got to bed, so you know you'll be sorting the kids in the morning, so you don't start ringing the hospitals....

It doesn't matter what time he expected to be home or if that's changed. It matters that he didn't let OP know.

user0176 · 02/12/2021 10:25

Maybe for the squaddies but IME the Officers behave a bit better.

Hahahaha. Bless.

TallulahsCurse · 02/12/2021 10:25

It matters to me why OP needed to know though. She didn't. This shouldn't have been an issue over what bus, as he should have just been allowed to go for a night out and come back when he was done!

TheEleventhMonth · 02/12/2021 10:28

Just common decently and respect to your partner - a simple text saying staying out later don't wait up is all that's needed, surely.

user0176 · 02/12/2021 10:28

Yes - it's one night.

That doesn't mean you just absolve responsibility, shall I just chin off work tomorrow and tell my boss bah it was one day, I've worked all the rest, get over it. Mature adults don't operate like that. And as a military wife and the sacrifices we make it means a lot more than "one night" we are left on our own for months at a time, so to be treated like that for "one night" is hugely disrespectful.

TheEleventhMonth · 02/12/2021 10:29

No-ones being a gate-keeper .... merely being respectful.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 02/12/2021 10:29

@TallulahsCurse

It matters to me why OP needed to know though. She didn't. This shouldn't have been an issue over what bus, as he should have just been allowed to go for a night out and come back when he was done!
So you never tell your partner when you expect to be home?
ItsALife · 02/12/2021 10:29

@TallulahsCurse yes but your point is invalid because he DID give a time. OPs post isn’t complaining because he hasn’t given her a time, her post is because he said he’d be on his way home at around 11pm and the next morning he isn’t home. She hasn’t set him a curfew.

He knew what he told her and it would have taken about two seconds to send her a “not coming home don’t stay up” text. What was she supposed to think when he didn’t come home?

Inmypjsagain · 02/12/2021 10:30

Is he home and okay OP?

I’d be so worried and I’d be cross, I’d be saying it’s not hard to send a quick text saying you’re not coming home. My husband wouldn’t like it if it was the other round

Sprostongreen21 · 02/12/2021 10:30

He was the one that told her he was getting the bus at that time. She didn’t tell him to…..

it sounds like he had good intentions sober and then got carried away we’ve all been there but he was on whats so at 11: so past the bus time so he knew he wasn’t coming home. Would it have been so difficult to type a quick message? I don’t think that’s that unreasonable in any relationship.

Sprostongreen21 · 02/12/2021 10:31

*whats app

TallulahsCurse · 02/12/2021 10:31

@Aroundtheworldin80moves no I wouldn't give a time or expect him to. Never have done, never will do.

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