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Original poster

If your partner wanted a baby and you didn't, would you have one or leave the relationship?

111 replies

SecretArmySoldier · 13/11/2021 15:32

Just that really. If your partner wanted a child and you didn't - would you have one?

And, if this applies to you and you did this - how do you feel about it now? Any regrets?

This is happening to me right now, I've always been on the fence about kids but lean more towards staying childless. He is adamant he has to have kids. What would you do?

OP posts:
stalkersaga · 13/11/2021 15:34

In the circumstances you describe I'd leave the relationship.

A man can have a child without endangering his body, spending nine months puking, feeding it from his own resources, or changing his life much at all. A woman can't.

Odds are that like most women you'd end up stuck with the vast bulk of shitwork and grow deeply resentful. And that's assuming you don't end up with birth injuries or longlasting effects of pregnancy.

MsThinksAlot · 13/11/2021 15:36

What stalkersaga said.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/11/2021 15:37

Neither of you are wrong or selfish in what you want. But, I don't see how a relationship with opposing views on such a big decision could work.

FarDownTheRiver · 13/11/2021 15:38

@stalkersaga

In the circumstances you describe I'd leave the relationship.

A man can have a child without endangering his body, spending nine months puking, feeding it from his own resources, or changing his life much at all. A woman can't.

Odds are that like most women you'd end up stuck with the vast bulk of shitwork and grow deeply resentful. And that's assuming you don't end up with birth injuries or longlasting effects of pregnancy.

Wow this this this.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 13/11/2021 15:40

I'd never have a child I didn't want for a man.
Even if it were possible that he would do the majority of childcare and I could take the 'traditional' father role it's not something I would want. And the likelihood of being left literally holding the baby is far too high to risk.

Riverlee · 13/11/2021 15:42

It would be a deal breaker for me. I knew up I always wanted kids.

MadMadMadamMim · 13/11/2021 15:42

I would not have a baby I didn't want. That's a ridiculous thing to do - particularly as a woman - because if the relationship breaks down it's likely that you will be literally left holding the baby.

A baby you didn't even want.

Don't have a baby to hold onto a man.

Sirzy · 13/11/2021 15:45

Nobody should feel they have to have a child. You need to be honest with him and then if it’s a non negotiable for you both then agree to go your separate ways.

Theunamedcat · 13/11/2021 15:45

I would leave because if I got my way he would resent me and if he got his way I would resent him

Original poster
SecretArmySoldier · 13/11/2021 15:45

That's really my concern - so much commitment risk for me and there are no guarantees as to what sort of father or co-parent he would be.

And I don't want him to miss out on something he wants so badly either.

So the reality is that we should go our separate ways, which is just heartbreaking.

OP posts:
User310 · 13/11/2021 15:52

This was my situation, it was a deal breaker for him, he wanted to have a baby.

After 4.5 years I begrudgingly relented. Baby is a toddler now and the absolute love of my life, has been since my first scan.

Not saying it will work out this way for everybody but in my case it has.

SarahAndQuack · 13/11/2021 15:59

YY, I agree, it's a loaded situation because you're a woman and he's a man.

This might sound as if I'm trivialising and I promise I'm not - but I love what the character of Christian Yang says about this on Grey's Anatomy. She's talking about her reasons for not wanting a baby, and her partner is trying to talk her round, and tells her she has a huge capacity for love and would love the baby. And she is furious and says, yes, of course she would love a baby, she's not a monster, and that's exactly what the problem is: she'd love the baby and it would ruin her life having to change who she is around that fact.

She puts it far more eloquently than this, but for me it really resonated and I thought it was such an interesting perspective on the situation.

Original poster
SecretArmySoldier · 13/11/2021 16:06

@sarahandquack That does make a lot of sense to me. For me, I know it may sound shallow, but I don't want my body to change and I dont like the idea of being pregnant at all. I'd be open to adoption and would consider that as an alternative, but he says this wouldn't work for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretArmySoldier · 13/11/2021 16:06

@User310 that's so lovely that it worked out for you that way! Congratulations!

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DriftingBlue · 13/11/2021 16:09

It’s a fundamental incompatibility, probably the biggest one in a relationship.

SarahAndQuack · 13/11/2021 16:10

[quote SecretArmySoldier]@sarahandquack That does make a lot of sense to me. For me, I know it may sound shallow, but I don't want my body to change and I dont like the idea of being pregnant at all. I'd be open to adoption and would consider that as an alternative, but he says this wouldn't work for him.[/quote]
I don't think it is shallow.

Does your DP have a realistic understanding of what those potential changes might be? IME a lot of men (and quite a lot of women) don't realise it might not just be 'ooh I have a few stretch marks and am a bit fatter now'. Not to scaremonger, just I think he might really not realise what might happen?

stalkersaga · 13/11/2021 16:12

It's also worth asking him: since he is the driving force for a baby, is he willing to take shared parental leave? Go part time? Do the night feeds? Spend every weekend hanging around in muddy parks with a toddler? Or does he only want a baby if you make all the sacrifices for it?

Shortpoet · 13/11/2021 16:14

Is he offering to marry you so you have more financial security if he should change his mind and walk away or if something bad happened to him? Or does he expect you to shoulder all the financial risk?

How does he talk about sharing the workload, childcare, etc.? I appreciate some people promise the moon and then renege on the agreement, but is he at least talking about how life will change for both of you (not just you)?

How is he at doing what he says he will? What’s he like on picking up the mental load of running a house. Does he go his fair share or expect you to pick it all up?

What’s he like when it comes to socialising? Is he fun or does he go too far? Do his mates come first or do you? Does he gamble (that would be a complete dealbreaker for me)

Is he a workaholic that is always in the office and doesn’t have time for domestic life or does he have a time consuming hobby that gets priority over everything?

There’s probably loads more questions but they are some important ones to ask if he’s suitable father material.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 13/11/2021 16:14

+1 for stalkersaga comment. The risk is greater for you than it will ever be for him and from my own experiences and observations even very loving and involved dad's are rarely doing a true 50/50. They usually do 50% of the housework but forget to do the things like book dentist appointments, notice when clothes need replacing, research and source gifts etc. The invisible mental load stuff tends to still fall mostly on the woman but because dad is doing his share of the hoovering he thinks it's all fair and equal. I adore my children and would never choose an easier life without them in it but I would also never advise a woman to have a baby she didn't want because it is a huge amount of work that is almost never truly equally shared.

Original poster
SecretArmySoldier · 13/11/2021 16:22

@SarahAndQuack I dont think he does realise the impact on a woman - he said he's spoken to lots of his dad friends who are very happy since having kids. I advised him to chat to the wives/girlfriends for a better understanding of how it is in reality.

I think he needs to find someone that is as into the idea as he is.

It's just hard to leave someone when everything else is so good and you feel that way about them. Even if it is for the best.

Even though I dont want a baby, the idea of him having a baby with someone else is pretty painful to think about right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretArmySoldier · 13/11/2021 16:26

@Shortpoet

Is he offering to marry you so you have more financial security if he should change his mind and walk away or if something bad happened to him? Or does he expect you to shoulder all the financial risk?

How does he talk about sharing the workload, childcare, etc.? I appreciate some people promise the moon and then renege on the agreement, but is he at least talking about how life will change for both of you (not just you)?

How is he at doing what he says he will? What’s he like on picking up the mental load of running a house. Does he go his fair share or expect you to pick it all up?

What’s he like when it comes to socialising? Is he fun or does he go too far? Do his mates come first or do you? Does he gamble (that would be a complete dealbreaker for me)

Is he a workaholic that is always in the office and doesn’t have time for domestic life or does he have a time consuming hobby that gets priority over everything?

There’s probably loads more questions but they are some important ones to ask if he’s suitable father material.

He would be happy to get married if we had kids, I'm sure. He's a very thorough, conscientious person. Super thoughtful. Kind. The sweetest man I've ever met, he's generally wonderful.

He's not a drinker anymore, has friends but isnt a wild socialiser. Tends to run and box with friends rather than go out. We dont live together, but he is tidy, he cooks, he is very capable in that sense.

You cant predict how it would be with a kid, of course. He's quite tightly wound and a creature of habit though, I do worry about how well he'd cope with a kid upsetting his routine. He's very routine oriented.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 13/11/2021 16:28

[quote SecretArmySoldier]@SarahAndQuack I dont think he does realise the impact on a woman - he said he's spoken to lots of his dad friends who are very happy since having kids. I advised him to chat to the wives/girlfriends for a better understanding of how it is in reality.

I think he needs to find someone that is as into the idea as he is.

It's just hard to leave someone when everything else is so good and you feel that way about them. Even if it is for the best.

Even though I dont want a baby, the idea of him having a baby with someone else is pretty painful to think about right now.[/quote]
Sad That sounds really hard, I'm so sorry.

I wonder if he'll actually get much from wives/girlfriends - would they actually want to say?

There used to be a (grim, but useful) list kicking around MN of all the possible physical injuries that can happen as a result of pregnancy and labour. IIRC it had them separated into 'common' and 'rare' or something like that. But I remember it put the fear of god into me as I had no idea of some of them.

Original poster
SecretArmySoldier · 13/11/2021 16:36

Yeah they might not tell him the whole picture. I told him some stories and he was pretty shocked. But sort of disbelieving as well.

Thanks for listening and the advice

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 13/11/2021 16:41

I wouldn't have invested in a relationship with someone who didn't want dc as this has always been something I wanted.

If they changed their mind - yes, I would leave to have dc.

AreYouRightThereSkippy · 13/11/2021 16:42

I think I'd leave tbh.

Sad, but probably better in the long run.

Fwiw, I was extremely fortunate with how pregnancy and birth affected me and my body. But the absolute exhaustion of looking after a newborn who would not sleep did push me to the edge. Not kidding, I went back to work for a meeting during mat leave (where they made me redundant - cheers for that work Hmm) and for about half a second I thought "if I fell off the train platform and was seriously injured or worse, at least I'd get some sleep" Blush. I was just so tired.

Anyway, I was desperate to have children and also love children in general. If we hadn't had our dcs I think we'd have adopted or fostered. If I wasn't arsed, then absolutely no way would I have done it.