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Original poster

If your partner wanted a baby and you didn't, would you have one or leave the relationship?

111 replies

SecretArmySoldier · 13/11/2021 15:32

Just that really. If your partner wanted a child and you didn't - would you have one?

And, if this applies to you and you did this - how do you feel about it now? Any regrets?

This is happening to me right now, I've always been on the fence about kids but lean more towards staying childless. He is adamant he has to have kids. What would you do?

OP posts:
Chichichiwawa · 13/11/2021 17:14

Don't have a child unless YOU really, really want one. It turns your life upside down. The child must always come first. You can't do anything without first considering your child. Here's an example. Popping to the shops. You need bread and milk. Dad is at work. Baby is coming with you, have you got everything? Have they got enough clothes on? Oh bugger, they've done a shit. Change the nappy, get them dressed again, coat on off we go. Forgot changing bag, go back for that. Wrestle into car seat. Is the shop pram accessible? If you haven't got the pram, maybe you could use a baby trolley. Get to the shop, no baby trolleys. Try and wedge the car seat into a normal trolley. Do your shopping. Repeat process to get the baby home. Then it needs another nappy change and feeding. You want a cup of tea and to read your magazine? Tough.

That's before you even got into the bloody shop. Gambling that you'll love the baby and not care that its such a massive, irreversible life change is a hell of a gamble to take. Parenting is quite often awful.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/11/2021 17:22

He's quite tightly wound and a creature of habit though, I do worry about how well he'd cope with a kid upsetting his routine. He's very routine oriented.
This could be a future issue in itself. If you progressed to living together, that could be the death knell before the kids decision even came into it.

Chikapu · 13/11/2021 17:25

No way would I carry and give birth to a baby because someone else wanted me to. I'd have to leave no question about it.

SirChenjins · 13/11/2021 17:30

Unless you think either of you will change your minds at some point then it’s a dealbreaker really - he can’t deny you your need to have a life without children and you can’t deny him a life with children.

The only alternative is for one of you to capitulate, accept everything that comes with that, and hope for the best.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 13/11/2021 17:30

Odds are that like most women you'd end up stuck with the vast bulk of shitwork and grow deeply resentful. And that's assuming you don't end up with birth injuries or longlasting effects of pregnancy.

All of this.

Has he talked about how he sees raising a child? Will be go part-time? Will he shorten his hours at work to deal with pick ups and drop offs? How much parenting leave would he plan to take?

Or does he just like the idea of having a child and someone else being completely responsible?

TonTonMacoute · 13/11/2021 17:30

Well, you do not want to become pregnant and have a child. It's a huge thing to do just to keep a relationship, you must stick to your guns and accept that for him it might be a dealbreaker.

VenusClapTrap · 13/11/2021 17:33

I was very ambivalent about having children, and certainly up until I was about thirty I had absolutely no intention of ever having them. The idea of pregnancy/childbirth/breastfeeding absolutely horrified me.

Dh, on the other hand, had always loved kids and was very keen to have them.

In the end I decided to go for it, out of curiosity I think more than anything else, but it was very much my decision and I would not have done it just because he wanted them. And I needed the commitment of marriage from him first.

I hated pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding as much as I expected to. The early years were an absolute grind. But now that my dc are older (one late primary, the other early secondary) I feel so completely different about parenthood. I love having these funny, interesting people in my family and I’m so glad I took the plunge, when I so nearly didn’t. Looking back, the pregnancy and baby years were very short in the scheme of things.

almahart · 13/11/2021 17:34

I always wants children, I adore my children and having them was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

It has also wrecked my career and I live with the consequences of two very difficult births. In addition one of my children has very serious mental health issues .

No way would I advise anyone to have a child unless they can't bear the thought of not being a parent.

OP you don't live with your partner and probably don't have a very good idea of how he deals with stress. I really think this one is quite clear cut. I'm sorry, it sounds really hard for you.

Doomscrolling · 13/11/2021 17:41

If having children means more to him than you do, cut him loose. Your goals are unreconcilable.

Never have a child unless you’re absolutely convinced you want to. I wanted them desperately but it still put a huge strain on our relationship in the early years. My career never recovered and there are permanent changes to my body.

I don’t regret it at all, but if I’d known the full scope of the consequences when I was in my 20s I may well have chosen differently.

Original poster
SecretArmySoldier · 13/11/2021 17:43

@FallonCarringtonWannabe

Odds are that like most women you'd end up stuck with the vast bulk of shitwork and grow deeply resentful. And that's assuming you don't end up with birth injuries or longlasting effects of pregnancy.

All of this.

Has he talked about how he sees raising a child? Will be go part-time? Will he shorten his hours at work to deal with pick ups and drop offs? How much parenting leave would he plan to take?

Or does he just like the idea of having a child and someone else being completely responsible?

He wants to be a very involved parent, he would plan to be as hands on as possible. But who knows, in reality, how it goes right.
OP posts:
Original poster
SecretArmySoldier · 13/11/2021 17:44

@AreYouRightThereSkippy oh wow, that is really intense - thanks so much for sharing that, and I'm sorry you felt that way. Must have been so hard.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 13/11/2021 17:44

If you love him you would leave him and let him go find someone who wants a child.

Grainofsand · 13/11/2021 17:47

I had one. Against my better judgement. He left a year later and has never seen her again.

Azerothi · 13/11/2021 17:49

You don't live with your boyfriend. Would you live together if you had a child?

BadwordMcGee · 13/11/2021 17:52

I did.

Pre marriage, DH was clear he absolutely wanted 2 children. I wasn't keen, suspected left to my own devices I'd have none. We really talked it over and DH felt (rightly) that if I was adamant I didn't want children that we should split up. I thought long and hard about it, including going away for week without him to get some space and concluded that I wasn't so against children that I'd agree to one, with a view to a 2nd if there were no complications etc.

We got married, were settled with a house and our careers and felt it was the right time for kids. I had no burning urge, I'd have been as happy without, but it made sense to start TTC. I got pregnant quickly and we had DC1. I hated it. Absolutely hated motherhood. I had PND but even once I recovered I knew motherhood wasn't for me. I don't enjoy it, though I do love my DC.

Overall I suspect I'd have been happier without DC, but I cannot imagine life without DH and I love my children. It's hard to say whether the road not travelled would have been better.

Whatinthelord · 13/11/2021 17:54

I think I’d leave if it’s not something you can agree on. It’s a pretty big incompatibility.

Adoption doesn’t sound like a good option here either.

Thelnebriati · 13/11/2021 18:00

You've tried talking to him about your concerns and he doesn't believe you. He hasn't done any real research, he hasn't put any real thought into it and he was dismissive when you tried to talk about reality.

Is there the slightest chance he wants kids because all his mates are at that stage right now?

daretodenim · 13/11/2021 18:01

Look at it the other way.
Imagine you were pregnant and wanted to keep the baby and he wanted you to have an abortion. It would 100% come down to "it's your body".

This isn't just "it's your body", because it's the rest of your life. It's relentless and you could enter into it with life-altering physical consequences from the pregnancy and birth.

There are some things that are irreconcilable. Vastly different sex drives are one. Wanting and not wanting children is another.

It will be desperately sad to break up.

That will be nothing in comparison to what's ahead of you if you sacrifice your physical condition, career options and earning potential as well as general well being (due to lack of sleep, no tone for yourself etc) to have a baby you don't want.

stalkersaga · 13/11/2021 18:06

He wants to be a very involved parent, he would plan to be as hands on as possible.

What does that mean, though? Is he offering to take at least 6 months parental leave? Is he willing to do all the night feeds? If your child has disabilities or is ND and can't go to childcare, will he quit work?

stalkersaga · 13/11/2021 18:10

@stalkersaga

He wants to be a very involved parent, he would plan to be as hands on as possible.

What does that mean, though? Is he offering to take at least 6 months parental leave? Is he willing to do all the night feeds? If your child has disabilities or is ND and can't go to childcare, will he quit work?

Because "as hands on as possible" sounds like vague "helping out, a bit, sometimes" bullshit. But not very often, because My Job And Penis, You Know.
IncompleteSenten · 13/11/2021 18:11

I'd leave the relationship. A child deserves to be wanted by both parents. Not wanted by one and accepted by the other as the price to pay for staying in the relationship. A child deserves more than that and an adult should never agree to have a child they don't want to have just to please the other partner.

It's all well and good for the bloke to want a child but he's not the one who carries it, gives birth to it and let's be honest he's not going to be doing the bulk of the childcare day in day out. Or take the career hit.

Change123today · 13/11/2021 18:17

My sister sounds very similar she never wanted children and left two long term relationships. Both men very quickly moved on and had a baby with their new partners.

But she did the right thing as she has now been in a very long term relationship and would like to have children (they about to undergo IVF) She still has lots of worries around being a mum (and the physical impact to her body) Her partner is in a good financial situation and they will be going part time once baby is born and has even offered to become STAHP.
Yes she is still very apprehensive but she is now with someone who she want a baby with - if that makes sense!

GoodForTheSoul · 13/11/2021 19:13

No, absolutel not. As a woman the bulk of responsibility will be on you. And you don't even live together??? How about do that for a few years and see how that goes and how well he adapts to joint lift and responsibilities...

Fallagain · 13/11/2021 19:23

Leave. I have 2 children already and luckily DH and I are in agreement that there won’t be any more but having children is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Simonjt · 13/11/2021 19:24

If you love him you do need to leave, children isn’t something you can come to a compromise on, I do say that as someone who left their fiance because I wanted children and he didn’t, so I do know how tough it is.