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Original poster

If your partner wanted a baby and you didn't, would you have one or leave the relationship?

111 replies

SecretArmySoldier · 13/11/2021 15:32

Just that really. If your partner wanted a child and you didn't - would you have one?

And, if this applies to you and you did this - how do you feel about it now? Any regrets?

This is happening to me right now, I've always been on the fence about kids but lean more towards staying childless. He is adamant he has to have kids. What would you do?

OP posts:
SheldonandAmy · 13/11/2021 19:27

I would never have a baby if I didn't 100% want one. I say this with a much wanted newborn lying on my chest! She is an easy baby comparatively, I have a very hands on husband, baby was planned and longed for but it is very hard work.

Nyxly · 13/11/2021 19:42

I left.

I met someone after my marriage ended who I loved. He wanted kids. I had 2 in my twenties and didn't want to have more young kids heading towards 40.

I felt I couldn't deny him having kids, Or having the chance to have a child with someone who was as happy and excited as he was.

I certainly didn't want a child I regretted. My career was also taking off again and I wasn't go to do something that stalled that. I wouldn't risk having a baby and ending up resenting the baby and him.

It really hurt to walk away. 5 years later I have a great dp, who doesn't have kids bit us aware I don't want any. I have been clear that if he ever changes his mind and wants them, he is free to leave and I will wish him well. I won't hate him for it. I would understand. I really wanted my kids so I get that feeling.

My ex has had one with his new partner and is getting married. We don't talk but do have eachother on social media. It's bitter sweet. I am so happy for him.

XenoBitch · 13/11/2021 19:46

I would leave. You can't compromise on something like that.

cptartapp · 13/11/2021 19:52

Just leave.
These men that want kids so badly, very very rarely badly enough though to take the DC with them when reality hits and relationships fail. Let alone do 50/50.

AliceW89 · 13/11/2021 19:58

If I was in your situation, I’d leave. It’s rubbish that your relationship would be ending, but I really don’t think you should compromise on this. Children change your entire life, they can wreck your body and can ruin your mental health. I personally couldn’t accept those risks if it wasn’t something I truly wanted.

If there is even a tiny part of you that thinks you might go through with having a baby, I’d want to know exactly how he plans on being ‘hands on’. Don’t be left holding the baby - picking up the slack re: going to work, cooking, cleaning etc isn’t the hard bit. The mental and physical load of parenting the child is. Would he take the vast majority of parental leave via SPL, for example?

hotmeatymilk · 13/11/2021 20:02

My friend had the baby because she said otherwise her marriage would be over, and she didn’t want her marriage to be over.

She loves her kid but she’s also the one whose career is suffering and who does the vast majority of the childcare, life admin, time off work when the child is sick, etc. Plus of course the pregnancy, birth, maternity leave. Her husband throws money at the problem and will buy her time away but not pick up the slack himself.

She’s happy she’s kept her marriage, but not happy.

33goingon64 · 13/11/2021 20:06

Having a baby when you don't want one is not something I can imagine doing for anyone.

Newbabynewhouse · 13/11/2021 20:12

Neither of you are wrong or shallow or selfish...you both just want different things... you move each other but you only live once and both need to take a path that makes you both happy.. maybe you could stay good friends if you love having each other in your lives but it cant work unless one of you changes your mind .. as a pp said shes had a baby and it all worked out great for her, it would probabky ve the case for you too buy cant say for sure and wouldnt want you to regret having a baby that wouldnt be fair on anyone.. so yeah maybe its time to go your seperate ways?....

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 13/11/2021 20:15

[quote SecretArmySoldier]@sarahandquack That does make a lot of sense to me. For me, I know it may sound shallow, but I don't want my body to change and I dont like the idea of being pregnant at all. I'd be open to adoption and would consider that as an alternative, but he says this wouldn't work for him.[/quote]
Why wouldn’t adoption work for him?

As the one who would be pregnant, you should be able to say no to putting your body through that. I have been pregnant twice and my body is so very different now. I hate it’s post-pregnancy state but I loved being pregnant even if it was uncomfortable and even painful at times before even thinking about labour.

I knew I wanted children and wouldn’t have settled for not having them. It would have been difficult to leave DH if he hadn’t wanted them though. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

Newbabynewhouse · 13/11/2021 20:22

@Chichichiwawa

So glad someone else says it how it is!.. soemtimes i think its just me that finds it all so stressful and hard! Were lucky that we live close to a morrisons so if im desperate we can nip for a walk there but other than that we prety much stay in bevause the thought of her crying in the car when im alone and driving is just too much!.. oh and sleeping at night... when do we actually get a rest? Undisturbed?

Iheartmysmart · 13/11/2021 20:25

Ex DH was the one who wanted children in our relationship, I was never that bothered. I eventually gave in and we had DS who is now 19.

The sharing of responsibility my ex swore blind he’d do was never forthcoming. He didn’t do a single nursery or school run, attended one parents evening in the entire time DS was at school. Never took him to any doctor or dentist appointments and moaned like mad if I suggested he might like to take some time off work to cover school holidays or sickness.

I love DS dearly but there is no way I would have had him if I knew that would happen,

hotmeatymilk · 13/11/2021 20:26

I dont think he does realise the impact on a woman - he said he's spoken to lots of his dad friends who are very happy since having kids. I advised him to chat to the wives/girlfriends for a better understanding of how it is in reality.
It’s also so completely unpredictable for women. Men have sex and nine months later there’s a baby. Women… I started throwing up at eight weeks and was still throwing up in labour. It stalled my career and I’m still dealing with the impact of it. I couldn’t do a thing in all that time. At some point my bum exploded into piles too and it still feels different to wipe! And I have a C-section overhang.

Even if you have the most hands-on dad who’s the primary carer from the very first second after birth, no birth injuries, and you get an “easy” baby who sleeps through from the get-go, doesn’t need to be held, accepts dad immediately, etc, and you’re able to quell the hormonal rush to be the primary carer yourself to minimise impacts on your career/life, you still couldn’t unchange the impacts of pregnancy and childbirth. And labour is such a luck of the draw crapshoot.

TreeSmuggler · 13/11/2021 20:28

I'm not sure if I would leave, but I would make it 100% clear that I won't be having dc, ever, and that he should only stay in the relationship if he is fine with this.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 13/11/2021 20:34

He wants to be a very involved parent, he would plan to be as hands on as possible. But who knows, in reality, how it goes right.
Yeah that sounds like someone saying they dont expect it to affect their life at all, they expect the baby to be an add on. No changes necessary.

Would be worth asking some specific questions though. What has he actually considered changing about his life to fit raising a child into it?

CheeseCheesePls · 13/11/2021 20:43

I think this is an issue that can't be compromised on. He wants a biological child and you don't. I've seen two marriages break down to this particular reason, and in time the parties who wanted kids, went on to find new partners to have families with. And the ones who didn't are living happy child free lives with new partners too.

But if it's pregnancy only you're scared of, maybe you should get some help for that? Pregnancy doesn't have to change your body in the long run. I'm 6 years post baby, and I wear the same size 8 I did pre-baby. My boobs are starting to go down south, but that's to be expected anyways after hitting 40. The baby years are really tough mentally and physically, but adrenaline and oxytocin gets you through. I would describe it a sort of a sweet suffering you have fond memories of.

But if it's not for you, and you know it, don't do it. Every child deserves to feel and be wanted (although many aren't sadly).

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/11/2021 20:47

Adoption is not a way of having a kid without ruining your figure ffs- it must be 10 times harder to raise a child that’s not your own, the trauma and issues you’d have to be prepared for!!!! Pls pls don’t say you want to adopt so not to give birth- it’s insulting!

And yes leave - you and your partner want diff lives

loislovesstewie · 13/11/2021 20:51

There can't be any compromise on this, and truly I think you would be better leaving him now. If you stay with him, you might both find yourself happy with no kids but on the other hand he might be miserable in a few years and then the relationship would, quite possibly end. I do know 2 couples who had this issue and both marriages ended after some years together, the issue drove a wedge between them in the end. The ones who wanted kids did have them with their next partners and are still together with them.
Neither of you is right or wrong, and I think it is wasting your lives if you each know how you feel.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/11/2021 21:03

Great post from @Thelnebriati
I don’t think he has any idea about the reality of kids. This would be enough for me to walk. The risk for you would be huge. Ask him straight out if he would be primary care giver if you split and see what he says

whitehorsesdonotlie · 13/11/2021 21:33

I'd leave. Having a dc is a massive decision, and the woman has to do the vast majority - pregnancy, birth, bfing, looking after the baby...

If you're not sure about having a baby, don't let your p persuade you!!

roseofthenorth · 13/11/2021 21:59

I don’t know if this helps, but my DH was desperate for a baby and I was the one who was unsure. I put it off for a while (several years…) but decided I needed to be brave and start TTC because I loved DH so much.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was overwhelmed and wondered if I had done the right thing, but I fell in love with my baby from the very first scan. He’s now a few weeks old and I am completely and utterly besotted. It’s a tough decision to make, but it really worked out for me and I’m glad I took a leap of faith.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do. Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/11/2021 22:12

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Adoption is not a way of having a kid without ruining your figure ffs- it must be 10 times harder to raise a child that’s not your own, the trauma and issues you’d have to be prepared for!!!! Pls pls don’t say you want to adopt so not to give birth- it’s insulting!

And yes leave - you and your partner want diff lives

Thank you for saying this. I'm adopted and comments as if it's a sort of 'parenthood lite' are both upsetting and irresponsible Thanks
Skysblue · 13/11/2021 22:32

I know someone who did this! After the baby was born she found it very hard / got depressed/angry. He left. He remarried someone else, had other children and now he has a “nice life” with posh holidays and sahm etc.

My friend however spent 18 yrs as a single mum on minimum wage.

Anyways… No I would never have a child just to please someone else.

But I also can’t comprehend not wanting a baby.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/11/2021 22:55

If I were on the fence and I wanted to be with him I'd probably have one....

If not you may well lose him. I wouldn't stay with a partner who didn't want children because I really wanted them. You have to weigh up where your priorities lie.

Not saying that this is the case but could it be that it's not so much you don't want kids, but you just don't want HIS kids?

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/11/2021 22:57

@User310

This was my situation, it was a deal breaker for him, he wanted to have a baby.

After 4.5 years I begrudgingly relented. Baby is a toddler now and the absolute love of my life, has been since my first scan.

Not saying it will work out this way for everybody but in my case it has.

Agree. In reality most people fall in love with their children and don't regret having them!
NowEvenBetter · 13/11/2021 23:17

‘I can’t comprehend not wanting a baby’ can you not, aye 🙄

Forcing a person into decades of existence on a dying planet simply to appease a disinterested boyfriend who wants to keep up with his mates….
Childfree life is bliss, your boyfriend wanting to be like his friends is no good reason to reproduce, he sounds quite stupid. Aim for better.