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Original poster

If your partner wanted a baby and you didn't, would you have one or leave the relationship?

111 replies

SecretArmySoldier · 13/11/2021 15:32

Just that really. If your partner wanted a child and you didn't - would you have one?

And, if this applies to you and you did this - how do you feel about it now? Any regrets?

This is happening to me right now, I've always been on the fence about kids but lean more towards staying childless. He is adamant he has to have kids. What would you do?

OP posts:
ufucoffee · 13/11/2021 23:20

I wasn't bothered about having a child. No maternal feelings at all. My OH desperately wanted a child. So I went along with it. Best thing I ever did. Didn't stop at one either.

Musttryharder2021 · 13/11/2021 23:31

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Adoption is not a way of having a kid without ruining your figure ffs- it must be 10 times harder to raise a child that’s not your own, the trauma and issues you’d have to be prepared for!!!! Pls pls don’t say you want to adopt so not to give birth- it’s insulting!

And yes leave - you and your partner want diff lives

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Thank you for raising the point of adoption being some kind of booby prize...'I'll adopt because I don't want to ruin my body Hmm

Op, adoption is gruelling/invasive/can take months or even years, and you may not have a child at the end of it. It's about the right family for the child not the other way round. Not to mention that most children in the care system are there because the state had to intervene and remove them from their biological parents. Many children will have trauma/disabilities as well as a possibility of contact with the birth family to be managed, I believe. Parenting an adopted child is not a walk I'm the park, so please get informed via reputable sources or pop over to the Adoption section on MN for support/more advice.

SarahAndQuack · 13/11/2021 23:45

I agree, 'hands on as possible' sounds like a cop out.

If you have a baby, there must be someone whose first priority is the baby. It can't be a conditional thing, dependent on what's 'possible'.

If he really wants children, he could take that role, and he needs to recognise it might happen whether he likes it or not. If he's not prepared for that, he's not ready to have children, let alone to encourage you into it.

I always wanted children, and I adore my DD beyond measure; my DP (who gave birth) had a hard time physically and mentally, and for all sorts of reasons I couldn't leave her alone with our DD for months, not least because she was struggling physically to lift her. I cannot quite imagine how that would have worked if I'd been promising to be 'as hands on as possible'.

ScienceSensibility · 13/11/2021 23:52

@Chikapu

No way would I carry and give birth to a baby because someone else wanted me to. I'd have to leave no question about it.
100% agree with this.

In OP scenario I would leave without a backward glance.

OP, you are testing and learning what you want from a relationship and sometimes the conclusion is that a particular person does not ‘fit’.

He doesn’t ‘fit’ you.

I’m also laughing to myself how Mr Routine will cope with a baby! What’s the betting he will palm everything off on the child’s mother, whomever that may be?

I wasn’t put on this Earth just to be an incubator because a random bloke wants to be a father... Bye!

ScienceSensibility · 13/11/2021 23:53

@NowEvenBetter

‘I can’t comprehend not wanting a baby’ can you not, aye 🙄

Forcing a person into decades of existence on a dying planet simply to appease a disinterested boyfriend who wants to keep up with his mates….
Childfree life is bliss, your boyfriend wanting to be like his friends is no good reason to reproduce, he sounds quite stupid. Aim for better.

Excellent post 👏👏👏👏
Adarajames · 14/11/2021 02:16

@Talkwhilstyouwalk I’m sure there are plenty of people who were talked into having a child and do regret it, but with society being as judgemental as it is towards women who regret having kids, most won’t admit it, even on a most anonymous forum like MN!

Mamacarrot · 14/11/2021 02:31

No I wouldn’t . He probably really wants a baby like they all do . They love the idea of the baby but when shit gets real you would be left doing most things and making the most sacrifices. Not to mention if you don’t stay together then you could become a single mum. Only have a child if you really want because to the responsibility is too much

ISpyCobraKai · 14/11/2021 02:33

I'd leave immediately.
You can't be a parent if you don't want to be.

Original poster
SecretArmySoldier · 14/11/2021 05:17

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I'm allowed to not want to put my body through something. It's not just about preserving a figure, although I'm allowed to want this too, it's about many things for me. did not refer to adoption as an easy option at all, it's just an option I'd be much more comfortable with. For many reasons. And to a pp who also mentioned this, I had researched it already to get an understanding of this as a possible path. I do not think of it as parenting-lite.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretArmySoldier · 14/11/2021 05:19

@Simonjt

If you love him you do need to leave, children isn’t something you can come to a compromise on, I do say that as someone who left their fiance because I wanted children and he didn’t, so I do know how tough it is.
That must have been a hard thing to do! Thanks for your advice
OP posts:
Ricetwisty · 14/11/2021 05:22

Absolutely a million percent do not have a child just to stay with him, sadly if that means splitting up its fairer on both of you. Its a tricky situation and a heartbreaking decision, but remember to keep in the fore what you want, and if its not children, that's more than fair enough. I'm sure he has visions of playing football with them, christmas mornings and Sunday morning cuddles rather than the other 99.9%.

Lockdownbear · 14/11/2021 05:51

Ultimately Op you either want children or you don't. If you don't then let him find someone else.

For a relationship to work you need to be on the same page when it comes to money and children. If your not resentment will eventually build and split you up any way.

Adoption is a hard road, every aspect of both your life's examined. You'd probably never get approved if you aren't both 100% committed to it.

Simonjt · 14/11/2021 05:55

[quote SecretArmySoldier]@OnlyFoolsnMothers I'm allowed to not want to put my body through something. It's not just about preserving a figure, although I'm allowed to want this too, it's about many things for me. did not refer to adoption as an easy option at all, it's just an option I'd be much more comfortable with. For many reasons. And to a pp who also mentioned this, I had researched it already to get an understanding of this as a possible path. I do not think of it as parenting-lite.[/quote]
You don’t want children, adoption is 100% not an option for you.

GrandmasCat · 14/11/2021 06:11

I was in this situation and went ahead with the baby as I was not prepared to end what was essentially a good relationship even when I thought that, regardless of how much my husband wanted a baby, he wasn’t grasping the idea of the level of responsibility and sacrifice involved in raising a child.

That baby is the love of my life, as another person here, I have loved him dearly since I saw him at the first scan. I wouldn’t change him for anything, he comes first, I have sacrificed a lot of stuff gladly to ensure he is well and happy, but…

I have been raising him singlehandedly for most of his life as his dad never properly transitioned from married guy with a single guy freedom to responsible parent, so soon enough the responsibility to raise and care for DS fell gradually but firmly on my hands, this lack of balance eventually caused us to split.

Not much later, once he had set up with a new woman who resented DS (and hated my guts) he emailed to say that given the circumstances he felt forced to take the option to stop contact with his son.

And I think that is the crux of the matter, for many men a child is an option, caring for them is an “option”, staying in their life is an “option” as well, even paying child maintenance us often perceived as being optional, but a mum will love a child so much (blame the hormones if you wish) any “options” will be always chosen in consideration of the child’s needs.

So OP, I don’t think I am lying by saying that when it comes to children, the only truly personal and free option women have is to have children or not.

GrandmasCat · 14/11/2021 06:18

And yes, it may be that it is you who doesn’t transition into being the mum you both imagine, I for one deeply resented leaving a career I loved to ensure one of us could be there to pick up DS from nursery before it closed.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 14/11/2021 07:35

You can’t trust any man who tells you what he’ll do as a father. You need to have lived with them and seen how much they do for you as a couple. Do they cook, take the rubbish out, clean up, organise administrative and social stuff etc?

stalkersaga · 14/11/2021 07:58

@GrandmasCat

I was in this situation and went ahead with the baby as I was not prepared to end what was essentially a good relationship even when I thought that, regardless of how much my husband wanted a baby, he wasn’t grasping the idea of the level of responsibility and sacrifice involved in raising a child.

That baby is the love of my life, as another person here, I have loved him dearly since I saw him at the first scan. I wouldn’t change him for anything, he comes first, I have sacrificed a lot of stuff gladly to ensure he is well and happy, but…

I have been raising him singlehandedly for most of his life as his dad never properly transitioned from married guy with a single guy freedom to responsible parent, so soon enough the responsibility to raise and care for DS fell gradually but firmly on my hands, this lack of balance eventually caused us to split.

Not much later, once he had set up with a new woman who resented DS (and hated my guts) he emailed to say that given the circumstances he felt forced to take the option to stop contact with his son.

And I think that is the crux of the matter, for many men a child is an option, caring for them is an “option”, staying in their life is an “option” as well, even paying child maintenance us often perceived as being optional, but a mum will love a child so much (blame the hormones if you wish) any “options” will be always chosen in consideration of the child’s needs.

So OP, I don’t think I am lying by saying that when it comes to children, the only truly personal and free option women have is to have children or not.

Heard this story so many times. Somehow even when the man has been the one pushing a reluctant partner into a baby, is he stepping up as primary carer? No. Does he quit his job if the child turns out to have issues incompatible with childcare or FT mainstream school? Nerp. And is he being resident parent, or even doing 50:50, after a split? NOOOOOOPE.

I love my own DC and don't regret them at all, but I would never, ever advise that a woman has them for any reason other than wanting them herself enough to accept the very real and massive disadvantages and compromises they entail.

And even a man who happily does 50:50 before kids generally doesnt turn into one that does 50:50 after it. He has to get back to work because he's the bigger earner yanno, and you're at home all day so it just makes sense that you do all the housework, and the baby just wants you, mummy, he needs milk, what am I supposed to do about that?

Whatinthelord · 14/11/2021 08:01

[quote SecretArmySoldier]@OnlyFoolsnMothers I'm allowed to not want to put my body through something. It's not just about preserving a figure, although I'm allowed to want this too, it's about many things for me. did not refer to adoption as an easy option at all, it's just an option I'd be much more comfortable with. For many reasons. And to a pp who also mentioned this, I had researched it already to get an understanding of this as a possible path. I do not think of it as parenting-lite.[/quote]
But he wasn’t interested in adoption and you’re still on the fence about having kids. So adoption is kind of irrelevant here anyway.

I agree with others that you can’t tell how involved father will be until the baby is there. My oh is a lovely kind bloke but really not a great dad, he’s impatient and struggles with the noises the kids make. I would have never know this before kids, he wouldn’t have known this because the reality is you can’t know until you have to do it.

Ask him if he would be prepared to take parental leave to care for the baby from 1 month until 1 year, while you return to work. Is he prepared to go part time, after parental leave while you work full time. This will give you idea how “hands on” he really intends to be.

Of course he could always give the right answer then still yleave you holding the baby.

thebabessavedme · 14/11/2021 08:51

My first marriage failed because I wanted a family and he didnt, I think it is a situation where crompromise is just not possible, one person will be very unhappy and its just not fair on any children - I wnet on to have my dd and am now a dgm, my first dh has never remarried or had children, he is very happy, has a good life and has never regretted his lifestyle choice, we are still in contact and he is a good friend and likes my DD very much, it just wasn't for him.

Dozer · 14/11/2021 08:59

Many of the risks for mothers of biological DC (that don’t affect fathers anywhere near as much) still apply, and indeed are higher with adoption. Eg fatigue and associated health issues, earnings/career detriment.

IMO few men, when it comes down to it, are willing to do 50% or more of parenting and the massively increased domestic work that comes with DC. Most prioritise their paid work.

Would your DP, for example, share all the night parenting and do 50% of weekday parenting (morning and evening), curtailing his working time?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/11/2021 09:00

You don’t want children so why would you consider adoption- and I make no apologies for pointing out the flippancy in which you referenced you may adopt.

Honestly don’t have a baby to please anyone.

GrandmasCat · 14/11/2021 09:49

@FiddlefigOnTheRoof

You can’t trust any man who tells you what he’ll do as a father. You need to have lived with them and seen how much they do for you as a couple. Do they cook, take the rubbish out, clean up, organise administrative and social stuff etc?
Erm… I would disagree with that, my husband and I had the most equalitarian relationship that I have ever seen, he cooked, cleaned, did a lot of DIY and respected my career as much as his in the many years we were married before DS arrived.

If somebody had said he was the kind of guy who was going to literally leave me holding the baby, I would not have believed it at all. I thought he was a bit selfish to have children but never expected he was going to disappear like that.

GrandmasCat · 14/11/2021 09:54

If you are considering adopting to reduce the effect a pregnancy has on your body, you also need to consider that children given up for adoption May come with a multitude of background issues that you need to deal with from a new born baby going through drug withdrawal symptoms to serious attachment disorders.

Adopting is never an easier route.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2021 10:43

I've always been on the fence about kids but lean more towards staying childless

It would be terribly unfair of you to adopt IMO. I say that as someone adopted. Please don't let this relationship push you to do something so huge when you aren't sure. You have to be 1000% sure in order to adopt in a child's best interests.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 14/11/2021 10:52

Why should you leave the relationship? You're fine with the way things are so he has to be the one to leave you if he feels that strongly about it.