Would you have a baby in these circumstances?

[Wouldyoubaby]

I’ve name changed as I’m going to be pretty specific about our situation.

I’m 40, my fiance is 53. We are due to get married in September. He has 3 older kids, I have Ds who is 10. We all get on really well and I realise how lucky we are to have this.

I was on my own with Ds from pregnancy, and always wanted another baby “properly” with a loving partner. Dp has always worked incredibly hard and wants to have a child he is able to be more present for.

We are very well off financially, stable, kids in private schools and semi retired with a view to retiring properly and having others run our businesses in next 5 years.

We had a miscarriage at Easter and have been trying for about a year properly now. Every time I get my period we are gutted. It’s starting taking over our lives a bit, and I’m now not sure if we are doing the right thing.

We are desperate for a baby, but my partner especially is older. I’m worried we are doing the right thing, that we should embrace our kids being older and the freedoms of that….. but at same time I would love a child - we both would.

What would you do? I got my period tonight and my partner is locked in bathroom now because he’s trying to hold it together.

If we do decide to stop, how do we come to terms with that?

Thank you for reading this far

I’m sorry.

Personally, no I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t want to go back to the baby stage (and the toddler stage, and looking forward to teenage chaos) after such a long gap.

That’s without the age factor. This isn’t something I’ve experienced personally, but close friends with older partners (not as old as yours) struggle because they aren’t as involved as they should be. That’s not ageism - I know plenty of very active 50 somethings - but they really, really wouldn’t be up for being woken hourly for months at a time (for instance).

This is very personal to me - but for me the trying/ thinking / waiting is so tough. I see why you and OH are struggling. But the only way I know to get over it is to accept it can’t happen, and think afresh about what you want to do.

Sorry to be blunt, but you could well spend years in a spiral of trying / waiting for your period/ having losses, and still have no baby.

Or you could accept that your life will be different (still good and full, by the sounds of it), and replan.

I’m sorry if that sounds blunt. It’s a very personal decision and this is my personal take. But wishing you 💐whatever you do.

I wouldn't.

I think you both need to be realistic about your biological age. You're 40 Chances of conceiving are low. Chances of successful pregnancy low. Chances of uncomplicated pregnancy... Low.

You're risking a hell of a lot, when you already have a child and he has 3.

You had a miscarriage earlier this year, could you go through that again, at a later stage?

I wouldnt either. I agree with the pp who said:

I think you both need to be realistic about your biological age. You're 40 Chances of conceiving are low. Chances of successful pregnancy low. Chances of uncomplicated pregnancy... Low

No I would not. Your partner will be 69/70 when you have a (challenging) 16 yr old on your hands. How much help do you think he would be then?
Given both your ages and the fact that you both already have a family, I think you would be mad to keep trying.

I think your age is a bit of a red herring. My mum was 40 and my dad was 50 when they had me and they were both brilliant. My dad was more hands on than some of my friends dads who were literally half his age.

However it’s more a case of the fact that it seems like it’s causing a lot of heartache for you to keep trying and it just may not happen for you unfortunately. Given that you are both already fortunate enough to have children I would personally stop trying, make your peace with it and focus on enjoying what you have and looking forward to retirement together.

Think about if you manage to have a successful pregnancy within a year, and give birth in 18 months time....what that actually means.

Months of disappointment to deal with, would that get any easier? Or would it get worse each time? Until you get a positive (maybe).

Think about how stressful that might feel, knowing it has ended in miscarriage before and that the chances are higher for miscarriage/detects etc. Could you handle that?

Let's say it's a successful pregnancy... You'll be pushing 42 with a newborn and pre-teen. Husband will be 55. You'll have another few years of crap sleep, exhaustion etc. You'll have a toddler and a teenager to deal with. Your husband is pushing 60.
Then the child is entering secondary school with a Father that is mid 60s. Who may have grandkids by then.

Sorry.

Not an easy call, but I think I would.

I'm a similar age to you with young children. Yes, risks during pregnancy are higher, etc but not impossible. Yes, I'm finding things tiring but managable. Your partner is older, so I would think through what you would do if he becomes unwell / less active /not around as the child grows.

You sound like you have the time, space, stable finances to provide a safe and loving home.

It sounds like you're both wanting to have a baby to try and "fix" something in your past that was painful rather than to bring a new human into the world.

A new baby won't overwrite the past or your regrets about the past and it's not fair to put that responsibility for soothing your wounds on a child. You'll both still have to find ways to make peace with those feelings.

It doesn't make sense with the rest of your life or your life plans. I don't even understand how you think it fits into the life you've described other than to act as a plaster over old wounds.

You sound like you're running from the past and chasing a fantasy. You don't have to turn and face those feelings and regrets all at once, but you probably need to slowly start doing so. It's the only way to process them because they can't be erased, although they can get easier to live with.

Personally I wouldn't. Doesn't mean that would be the right choice for you though.

I found out I was pregnant just after I had turned forty, before that we'd had 4 miscarriages.
My pregnancy was good although baby arrived early (a month) and perfectly normal .
We were of the opinion if it happened then great but if not then it wasn't went to be .

I’m not sure I would put myself through it. Some of what you wrote sounds a little like you both want a do-over to have a chance to do things differently but I’m not sure life really works like that. You could have another baby and DH end up for whatever reason having to work harder than ever. You could have another baby and something happen to your relationship so you’re not bringing up the child together. A baby can’t change things that have happened before. It won’t change the fact that your DH feels he missed out on his DC’s childhoods or that you feel you missed out on raising a child with a loving partner.

However I realise that’s easy to say from the outside and the reality of making a decision is much harder. I hope everything works out whatever your final decision.

I would keep trying.

I wouldn't, sorry.

Could you perhaps foster or adopt?

I would be worried about the impact it could have on the 10-year-old. You already have a blended family, a baby adds another level of complications.

Yes I would keep going if it is what you both want. But I would go and see a private fertility specialist asap.

I was on my own with Ds from pregnancy, and always wanted another baby “properly” with a loving partner. Dp has always worked incredibly hard and wants to have a child he is able to be more present for.

As an observation, if you both let go of these things (chasing a way to redo the past) it would make space for you to feel differently about what you have in the present and what you hope for from the future.

It's not the family set-up either of you originally imagined, but you do actually have the opportunity to experience being in a family with a loving partner and for him to be more present for his family.

Both of the things the two of you say you wish for so strongly are already available to you in the present, if only you weren't both tormenting yourselves chasing a fantasy instead of living in the present moment - a present moment that could perfectly fulfil your needs if you let it.

Viewed that way, stopping ttc could be a positive, hopeful choice.

@julieca

I would be worried about the impact it could have on the 10-year-old. You already have a blended family, a baby adds another level of complications.

This. I wouldn’t.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do. Others may have opinions but no one's situation will be quite like yours and no one else will necessarily have the same emotions as you. This evening has obv been crap for you, you've got your period and you're both feeling upset. Take a day or two, or more, and see how you feel. I think you should go with your gut. There's always one answer that just sits more comfortably with how you feel, especially if you're both on the same page.

Fwiw I was 40 when I had DD3 and DH was 53.

If it’s what you both want I don’t think I would give up in your position. It sounds like you are financially well off so could you look into private fertility treatment to see if that can help?

Tho pp made a good point re your 10yr old, making sure they feel secure about the upheaval a baby would bring.

@betterchangemynamequick

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do. Others may have opinions but no one's situation will be quite like yours and no one else will necessarily have the same emotions as you. This evening has obv been crap for you, you've got your period and you're both feeling upset. Take a day or two, or more, and see how you feel. I think you should go with your gut. There's always one answer that just sits more comfortably with how you feel, especially if you're both on the same page.

Fwiw I was 40 when I had DD3 and DH was 53.

This. Only you know your own situation.

For me, age isn’t the issue here. Pregnancy at 40 is not the horror story that previous posters are suggesting. I’ve just had my second at 41, no issues. I know so many people who have had a baby at 40 and they’ve all been fine. Miscarriages are definitely more likely as part of trying, that’s probably the worst aspect of ttc as an older mum.

I’m not sure I would go ahead in your circumstances though - you already have four children between you, and are well past the baby stage. Your partner is in his 50s. It sounds like you have a great life. This notion that you both want to be the parents you weren’t first time also makes me wonder if a new baby would stir up resent with the older children?

My own dad married again in his mid-50s to a 40 year old. He was barely present during my childhood and I’ll admit I would have hugely resented him having a new baby, even as an adult.

I'm sorry to hear about your MC.

Don't forget when reading the replies, a lot of posters are in there 20's and 40 sounds old to them - it's not!

At your age I definitely would keep trying! You're plenty young enough. Your DH is a bit older (my age), but I know men who became Dads at his age & are brilliant with the kids. It's not as though he's being dragged into it reluctantly!!

Wishing you both a successful pregnancy & a shared baby x

Gosh, you sound identical to my parents. My mum was 42 when I was born, and my dad 53. So very similar to what you are talking about. I have older half siblings, one on my mums side and 2 on my dads. My parents both retired when I was 11, like you they wanted to "do it right" with me and I had every advantage growing up, private school etc.
I honestly had the most idyllic childhood. My mum was my best friend, we had the most incredible bond. I think looking back my half siblings (all much much older) found it hard and I didn't (still don't) have much of a relationship with my dads daughters. But it really was the perfect childhood.
However the flip side is at 27 my mum died. I was and still am (10 years later) broken hearted. I'm also pretty much the sole carer to my 89 year old dad. Whilst trying to start up my own business and with a toddler. My half sisters are of no help whatsoever, they see him once a year. And it's hell. Normally when people are caring for their very elderly parents they are retired themselves, not 35. So that's the rubbish part.
Sorry that was of no help but wanted to share my very personal experience that is pretty much identical to your situation x

None of us can tell you how you should feel.

I haven't had to make your decisions so I'm just guessing how I would feel -- which is a simple point of comparison, not important in itself.

I think that I would be grateful that I already had a healthy child, supportive partner, decent step-children, safe life.

Life is full of disappointments & things we hoped for that didn't work out. It is ok to not get what we want. No Way would I want my desire for another child to become all-important and making me chronically unhappy -- screw that.