Would you have a baby in these circumstances?

[Wouldyoubaby]

I’ve name changed as I’m going to be pretty specific about our situation.

I’m 40, my fiance is 53. We are due to get married in September. He has 3 older kids, I have Ds who is 10. We all get on really well and I realise how lucky we are to have this.

I was on my own with Ds from pregnancy, and always wanted another baby “properly” with a loving partner. Dp has always worked incredibly hard and wants to have a child he is able to be more present for.

We are very well off financially, stable, kids in private schools and semi retired with a view to retiring properly and having others run our businesses in next 5 years.

We had a miscarriage at Easter and have been trying for about a year properly now. Every time I get my period we are gutted. It’s starting taking over our lives a bit, and I’m now not sure if we are doing the right thing.

We are desperate for a baby, but my partner especially is older. I’m worried we are doing the right thing, that we should embrace our kids being older and the freedoms of that….. but at same time I would love a child - we both would.

What would you do? I got my period tonight and my partner is locked in bathroom now because he’s trying to hold it together.

If we do decide to stop, how do we come to terms with that?

Thank you for reading this far

I’m heartbroken and I know we are so lucky and we can have an amazing life - but I’m gutted.

Seriously stop giving yourself such a hard time.

Let yourself feel how you feel - without all the beating yourself around the head for it - and it will enable you to process those feelings and get to the place where you can feel calm and content.

Your distress can't drain away if you lock it in a box, or punish yourself every time it surfaces, instead of allowing yourself to feel it and let it run its course.

There's no reason to feel guilty for experiencing a natural emotion or taking care of yourself while you do.

You're allowed to fee that way.

It's okay

We are desperate for a baby,

Given that you already have four children between you, with a ten year gap since the last one, I would encourage you to do the work, maybe some therapy or counselling in order to work out what a baby would mean to you. And how you might cope in the face of a child with disabilities who might need care throughout and beyond your lifetimes.

Reading your post, it seems as if it might be something to do it properly this time round. That seems a bit harsh on your existing children who might indeed feel pushed out and envy the 'perfect' sibling.

Just because you have the financial clout to do this, doesn't mean that it is the right thing to do.

I had a baby at 40, only regret is that I won’t see too much of my grandchildren

I wouldn't. Alarm bells are ringing for the rest of the dc about getting it right this time. Also we're almost mid 50s and semi retired, soon be retired and only interested in seeing gc occasionally as we've got so many travel plans. Done all the kiddy stuff now its about us. I know a few people who had dc late and want to retire and relax in their mid 50s but they have dc with ages ranging 9-15 year olds still.

I wouldn’t but I’m not you
Only you know if it’s the right thing but given both your ages I think you are setting yourselves up for a lot of grief trying to get pg now

No way.
I lost my parents when they were young and I couldn’t put my children through that.

Personally I think you’re at a loss, the youngest is growing up and you’re not sure what to do with yourself. Try to find hobbies or do something as a couple to focus on.

Also we're almost mid 50s and semi retired, soon be retired and only interested in seeing gc occasionally as we've got so many travel plans. Done all the kiddy stuff now its about us.

That sounds amazing, enjoy your travels!

"We are desperate for a baby." - I think your answer is there.

If you dearly wish to have a baby together, I hope you can. Yes, there are things which make your situation more complicated than they might be, but you love each other, you're financially secure and it's what you both want. While your husband is older, he's not that old. Noone knows what the future holds and if people only had babies when everything was simple the human race would have died out long ago. To deny yourselves the chance of a much-wanted baby simply because you're a bit older seems excessively cautious.

I’d take one of two tacks here I think.

The first would be not to make any decisions but let fate decide adopting an attitude of “if it happens, it happens”. So this would mean still having sex with no precautions but not doing anything like taking temperatures or monitoring ovulation.

If that’s either impossible or too emotionally gruelling, then my other suggestion would be to put a time limit on it. So “we’ll try for another x months” or until some milestone (a particular birthday for example). And I t he meantime, start acclimatising myself to the benefits of both having a child and not having a child, so it’s kind of a win-win type set-up mentally.

Clementineapples

Thanks

I was in a similar situation and didn’t. We got over it and now have a good life. No regrets. Not to say that you will be the same though. Could you have some Counselling to talk it through with someone objective.

It is really a hard decision. I think maybe you could try counseling to help you come to terms with whatever decision you end up making. Also, try to enjoy the moments you get with your older kids instead of focusing on what you missed.

OP, if it's encouragement to proceed with trying that you want, I suggest you post on the over 40s TTC threads on here or, if you're a Facebook user, join the WE Are Geriatric Mums group on there. You'll only find positive answers there (which may or may not be what you want!)