Would you have a baby in these circumstances?

[Wouldyoubaby]

I’ve name changed as I’m going to be pretty specific about our situation.

I’m 40, my fiance is 53. We are due to get married in September. He has 3 older kids, I have Ds who is 10. We all get on really well and I realise how lucky we are to have this.

I was on my own with Ds from pregnancy, and always wanted another baby “properly” with a loving partner. Dp has always worked incredibly hard and wants to have a child he is able to be more present for.

We are very well off financially, stable, kids in private schools and semi retired with a view to retiring properly and having others run our businesses in next 5 years.

We had a miscarriage at Easter and have been trying for about a year properly now. Every time I get my period we are gutted. It’s starting taking over our lives a bit, and I’m now not sure if we are doing the right thing.

We are desperate for a baby, but my partner especially is older. I’m worried we are doing the right thing, that we should embrace our kids being older and the freedoms of that….. but at same time I would love a child - we both would.

What would you do? I got my period tonight and my partner is locked in bathroom now because he’s trying to hold it together.

If we do decide to stop, how do we come to terms with that?

Thank you for reading this far

No. Focus on your DS, not on the dream of the perfect baby experience.

I am 42 and I'm 14 weeks pregnant, naturally conceived. We're in a bit of a similar situation as my eldest is much older (age 22!) and I raised him as a single mum. I definitely do understand the urge to have a baby in a loving relationship. I had a DD with my DH age 38, and it has been a wondeful experience, so totally different from the struggles I had raising my eldest. I have been lucky to get pregnant again with no miscarriages, but we did have a TFMR earlier this year due to severe genetic issues. We've just had a 12 week scan which came back fine, and also an NIPT which was all clear, so feeling hopeful for this pregnancy.

Our approach to ttc has been very low-key - I'd pretty much given up hope of conceiving naturally but at the same time I refused to go back to using contraception as I wanted to have some hope (and I don't like using contraception anyway). So that helped me not to get my hopes up or put any pressure on us. I honestly didn't really expect to get pregnant again and stopped monitoring ovulation, taking prenatal vits etc. I think in your situation I'd advise the same, try to be happy with the family you have, don't get your hopes up, but keep the possibility there.

Have to say though that DH is also 42, I don't know how I'd feel if he was in his 50s (from the pov of being an older dad and also the biological side). Have you both had fertility testing?

I would not chose to have a baby aged 40 when you already have a 10 year old. Then your husband to be is 53 and already has 3 older children. I know you did not have a partner support when you had this child and your partner was not around as much as he like when his kids were small.
So you think you having a child together will correct the things that happened in the past for both of you. Your partner might like the idea of another child but the reality is that you be dealing with the pregnancy. Then with a baby your going to have change your plans to retire early. Also as older parents you have a higher chance of having a child with special needs or autism.
How would your partner deal with a special needs child or an austic child with who's non verbal ect?
Also you need to consider how having another child would effect your 10 year old and his older children?

You said that your husband to be plan's to retire in 5 years say at 58/59 so I think this won't happen if you have a child just starting primary school. When your child is 15 your husband will be 68/69. What happens if your husband ends up in bad health and your minding him and dealing with a teenager at the same time?

Rather than feeling sorry about what might have been look at all the things you already have. You have a 10 year old who will still need support and guidance through secondary school and the teen aged years. Your partner has 3 older children and probably in the next few years they could be finished college and he could be planning his early retirement to at 58/59 to take account of this.
In a few years time you and him will have more time as a couple and the money to enjoy it. A lot of people would like to be in your circumstances.

What happens if you have a child with special needs, which you might have a higher risk of. That might not fit in with your retirement plans.

People suggesting you adopt, age might be against you with that, and also would that be fair with your 10yo

No I wouldn’t. While you’re aiming to re-do the baby experience you’re missing out on focusing on when both of your current children are right now and focussing on being great parents to the 4 of them.

Good luck with whatever you decide is right for you.

There's some real weird thinking on this thread. Either thinking that 40 is ridiculously old to have a baby or it's absolutely fine, and poster will have no issues.

No one here will know your individual fertility status. None of us. That's something for a doctor to consider and even then they might not know.

In your circumstances, I would probably carry on trying, but not actively. I just wouldn't use contraception and we how things go. I would probably set an arbitrary cut off point when I would stop.

No I wouldn't. Honestly the disparity of ages and a blended family can make it different to please everyone most of the time. Why not concentrate on what you have rather than rerunning with another baby.

No. For so many reasons. Mainly the short amount of time the children will have their parents, as PP who was the child in your identical situation stated. Yes you may live longer. Or not as long.

I would keep trying, a colleague has just had a baby and she is mid 40s!

Maybe you didn't phrase it right, but the idea that your partner wants to be more present for this theoretical child seems like a big ol' red flag to me. Why couldn't he be present for his existing children when they were small? He can be present for them now- he can parent your child together and be present for her. And unless there was a physical reason why he couldn't be involved with his children - like they were in a different country, for example, what's changed that means he's a different person without those characteristics now? You only have to look at the thousands of threads on MN about exhausted mothers, blended families, ratty teenagers and toddlers to see how rare it seems to have fully present and hands on fathers, all of whom swore blind they would be active and present in the idyllic "let's make a baby" stage.

It does sound like you are trying to rewrite the past rather than accept the present. I know a couple of people who have had children past 40 and managed fine, however in both their cases it was their first and only child with no family from previous marriages.

I also worry for your ten your old. It sounds from what you say that her father is not in the picture? Emotionally she could very easily feel displaced by a child who has both parents present in their daily life when she only had one. That's a tricky situation to handle with a child approaching teenage years, and your DDs relationship with your partner would be absolutely key as to whether I pursued pregnancy or not.

Its a no from me.
Age- i couldn't imagine me or dh starting again at those ages,

Circumstances- i would consider the impacts and feelings of the other kids here... so this baby is his chance to be a more present and involved parent...ouch

Morning,

Thank you all so much for your replies - i will sit and read them all properly later when school run is out the way.

I think the gist of what you are all saying is very much how I / we feel internally too. I will just say quickly before I go sort breakfasts though that we are both very present with all the kids now - when they were under 7 my DP was working away a lot to build his business. The kids are genuinely all very settled and happy now, and spend lots of time with us all - they know about our loss in April and were equally as gutted. I know you don’t know how they will react with an actual baby, but there aren’t any warning signs and we would be rocking the boat or exasperating any existing issues.

For me, I know how lucky I am already - I know a baby won’t fix what happened before. I just look at how much happiness the kids bring and I (selfishly?) want more of that. I adore our family life, and to add to that would be incredible - but that doesn’t stop alllllllllll the worries / issues raised above.

On the fertility side, I plucked up courage to approach my doctor a few weeks ago but they refused to do any checks as because of the miscarriage they said I was obviously fertile so there was no point. I will look into private fertility as potentially that may be something to explore.

I’m sorry I know I have missed lots, I’m trying to reply quickly just to answer a few points. Thank you all so much for your replies - there’s lots to think about

I do think that you shouldn't just ignore what's happening in the world - in particular global warming. We've learned that parts of the planet will become uninhabitable at a time when your new child will still be a young person. The world is going to become more and more chaotic. It's really not a good time to be bringing a baby into the world. A baby who may not feel able (morally) to have any children themselves. And its parents won't be around for long, and it won't have any similar age siblings. It feels very selfish to me. And you come across almost as feeling that your son is a dud - a baby who didn't work out. And he is only 10, and has parents who are preoccupied with producing the perfect baby that he apparently wasn't. It feels all wrong.
But almost everybody has advised you against this, and you say that you're taking it on board, while clearly intending to plough on regardless. This is all about you - it should be about the baby itself, and about your current child.

@Viviennemary

Yes I would keep going if it is what you both want. But I would go and see a private fertility specialist asap.

Good advice

No because you would likely only have 1- given the age gaps of the other children it would be a bit like having an only child. Only children need a lot of parent interaction and play dates etc and for your husband to be in his 50s close to retiring I think it’s unfair. I personally would enjoy what sounds like a great life together.
Just my opinion of course!

I wouldn’t. I just think your partner is that bit too old. Life expectancy for a man his age is only another 30 years, and would he really have the energy to run after a toddler, or deal with a teenager in his late 60s?

I definitely would not go ahead. For the environmental reasons and the whole putting your own lives on hold for 18 years thing. I've been really hit by how bad perimenopause has made me feel. So low, irritable, absolutely fed up to the back teeth with cooking, cleaning, dealing with everyone, difficulty sleeping...to name a few. If that hits when you've got a toddler/small child...OMG. Give yourselves a bloody break! Why not sponsor a baby instead, providing incredible support to a child throughout its life. There are many charities that do this. Live your lives. Be free.

I wouldn't either.

Your close to being able to retire early. Another baby will mess those plans up. Plus your husband might revert to a previous pattern by feeling he has to provide for this new child.

Not only that but they will be much younger than their half siblings, they will very much be like an only child and could lay the foundations for some tricky adult relationships. My mum is 20 years younger than her oldest sibling and it's not worked out well in adulthood.

Enjoy the life you've built and look forward to the grandkids. You can be involved there and enjoy them while giving them back when you're tired.

A new child won't change the past.

I wouldn’t. Not because of your age but because of your partners age and where your existing kids are in terms of age.

Going against the grain, I think you should go for it. You both really want another child. It's all very well for other posters to think they wouldn't at 40 and they wouldn't want to go back to the baby stage, but you do want to. I don't think 40 is that old anyway

I think you need to accept that it might not happen and make your peace with that. If it happens, it was meant to be, if not, focus on your incredibly full lives.

I'm quite new to mumsnet and surprised at the judgey answers here.
If you both want a baby, go for it.
I live in central London and I see hundreds of parents in your age group included men with grey hair carting happy little kids up and down my road to school every day.

If you are financial secure, IVF improves your chances although IVF increases your chances it isn't a guarantee and still may require multiple tries.

If you both want a baby, go for it.

With a significantly higher risk of birth defects. And please consider the child who will lose their parents at a far earlier age.

This isn't about "I want a baby" so there. This is about considering what that person's life would be. I wouldn't have wanted my children's father to have been 70 or god forbid, dead as young as when they take their GCSEs. There will be parents of mid twenties, mid thirties in the primary school playground. This father will be 60 with his 6yr old. It's taking into account what impact the child will face, which is not judging, in any respect.

I was in exactly the same situation, we did it and we are very happy. I have a teenage son, he has adult children, we conceived naturally (though I have to say it was easy) and gave birth at 41 - partner 51

Yes, baby years are difficult but they are always difficult. It is a new world, a new life, a new lease on life. 40 and 50 is not late to have a child. Daughter is now 3 and she is the best. She gave us something just the two of you could never produce.

I haven't read the thread but suspect it'll be talking you no, which I find very weird. My partner lost his dad at 16 (dad was 51). You literally don't know how long anyone has
My grandma had my mother at 40, and that was just after the war!! Grandparents lived to 90

Ridiculous answers really. Other parents in the playground being 20? Really, so what?