Would you have a baby in these circumstances?

[Wouldyoubaby]

I’ve name changed as I’m going to be pretty specific about our situation.

I’m 40, my fiance is 53. We are due to get married in September. He has 3 older kids, I have Ds who is 10. We all get on really well and I realise how lucky we are to have this.

I was on my own with Ds from pregnancy, and always wanted another baby “properly” with a loving partner. Dp has always worked incredibly hard and wants to have a child he is able to be more present for.

We are very well off financially, stable, kids in private schools and semi retired with a view to retiring properly and having others run our businesses in next 5 years.

We had a miscarriage at Easter and have been trying for about a year properly now. Every time I get my period we are gutted. It’s starting taking over our lives a bit, and I’m now not sure if we are doing the right thing.

We are desperate for a baby, but my partner especially is older. I’m worried we are doing the right thing, that we should embrace our kids being older and the freedoms of that….. but at same time I would love a child - we both would.

What would you do? I got my period tonight and my partner is locked in bathroom now because he’s trying to hold it together.

If we do decide to stop, how do we come to terms with that?

Thank you for reading this far

I think this is a question only you can answer.

I'd not want one at that age, I've done the baby stage and with a dc who's 10 your almost at the next stage when you can start to be a bit less child centric.

But if you really want one and you both have the energy and health then go for it.

No I wouldn't

You already have 4 kids which is a lot , I don't think you need to add more kids to this world.

2 is a normal amount. 4 is excessive and 5 is extreme.

Please do not have more kids.

@AdrianeMole

I'm quite new to mumsnet and surprised at the judgey answers here. If you both want a baby, go for it. I live in central London and I see hundreds of parents in your age group included men with grey hair carting happy little kids up and down my road to school every day. If you are financial secure, IVF improves your chances although IVF increases your chances it isn't a guarantee and still may require multiple tries.

Mumsnet tends to say to people what we might be secretly thinking, but never would in real-life. Blended families are tough to make work. OP has done well to make hers work. I wouldn't personally be upsetting that dynamic. In real life I see many people making decisions with obvious red flags and the problems they then encounter are no surprise. But in real life most of us say nothing, because it is none of our business.

I gave birth at 43. My DD was conceived naturally with no difficulty. I'm not a freak as my family on both sides has a history of this. I also have always known other women outside my mum and other relations who are older mothers e.g. friends' mothers, colleagues, acquaintances.

Get yourself to a private fertility specialist and see if there are reasons for your miscarriage.

I think, given the fact that it's actually impacting your relationship, I'd stop and get counselling for both of you. You're at risk of 'having a baby' becoming what your relationship is entirely about. That can become quite the marital wrecking ball. Sex becomes entirely joyless in this scenario. Everything else that matters gets emotionally put on the back burner. It can create such an unhealthy dynamic. And worse, you yourself can develop a really unloving and resentful relationship with your own body which you might see as failing you both. Ask me how I know.

I'd totally get therapy for you both and connect over the things that exist, the things that actually matter. The baby isn't real and already it's causing strain. And the baby may yet show up! But you've got to both dial it back. You didn't marry just to have a baby, did you? Of course not. So what else is on the life menu?

The fact that he's in the bathroom trying to hold it together is a bit damaging. I'd worry about the impact this behaviour will have on you and the sense of responsibility you might feel if you don't have 'his' baby. Having a baby isn't everything. You've got 4 children between you and you must feel this enormous pressure to conceive. That's not a whole lot of fun for you, OP, especially at 40, when the pressure is on. This stuff can leave teethmarks.

And OP, I write as a mum who's had babies in her 20s, 30s, and 40s. My post is certainly not a 'you're too old' post at all. But you've got dynamic issues here. You're kind of under pressure to conceive and I'm not sure that's healthy.

@AdrianeMole

I'm quite new to mumsnet and surprised at the judgey answers here. If you both want a baby, go for it. I live in central London and I see hundreds of parents in your age group included men with grey hair carting happy little kids up and down my road to school every day. If you are financial secure, IVF improves your chances although IVF increases your chances it isn't a guarantee and still may require multiple tries.

Because we're being objective.

By saying "If you both want a baby, go for it." You're saying to OP.

"If you want a baby to potentially have months (or years) of ongoing disappointment, heartache and strain on your relationship, health and finances, which may result in a healthy baby if you're lucky. Or might lead to having to make some of the hardest choices in your life... Then go for it!"

The OP is biologically old. The trying and failing and miscarriage is a HUGE strain already. The father is biologically old as well. We're acknowledging the biological facts that a successful and healthy pregnancy is a very low chance.

@microbius

Ridiculous answers really. Other parents in the playground being 20? Really, so what?

You can not see a benefit of being a 20-30yr old parent as opposed to a 60yr old one from the child's perspective?

My dad is early 60s. A grandfather of 3. The things that have happened to him in the last 5yrs:

Arthritis developed in his knee. Can no longer play golf. The idea of him physically being able to run around with a primary age child is silly. But at 55 he was fine.

Losing his hearing. He often doesn't hear us. He wouldn't hear one of the children shout from upstairs. But at 55 he was fine.

An operation on his elbow.

My aunty, just turned 62, has had operations on both of her hips in the last 18mths. But at 55 she was fine. Still working as a childminder in fact, looking after 4 small children. At 55, fine. She obviously no longer works now.

My mother mid sixties. Tires easily. Ten years ago, we'd hit the shops 9-5 and be rummaging through everything we'd bought. Now, we go for a morning. And sit down twice for a coffee as she can't keep up with my standard pace. I'm not exactly Linford Christie.

These are all adults, all non biologically related. Who were in terrific shape in their fifties. But this is how they've aged. My grandmother is in her 80s and an absolute powerhorse, we all know one of those. Having exceptions does not make the rule.

This is what happens to many, many people at this time in their lives through the natural aging process.

To ignore this as "ridiculous, so what?" is selfish, thinking only of your wants, and not the child who lives with your desires.

I don’t think 40 is too old, but I do think 53 is. My parents are late 60s now and the last year or so has been dramatic in the decline of both their health in a really unexpected way. Perhaps we’re just unlucky but statistics suggest it’s not unusual. These are two middle class, healthy people with the means to fund private healthcare and now confronted with hip replacements, Parkinson’s, cancer scares, brain aneurysm etc etc. Going through that with a parent in your mid 30s is difficult enough, I think it would be incredibly distressing as a teenager.

@ftw163532

I was on my own with Ds from pregnancy, and always wanted another baby “properly” with a loving partner. Dp has always worked incredibly hard and wants to have a child he is able to be more present for.

As an observation, if you both let go of these things (chasing a way to redo the past) it would make space for you to feel differently about what you have in the present and what you hope for from the future.

It's not the family set-up either of you originally imagined, but you do actually have the opportunity to experience being in a family with a loving partner and for him to be more present for his family.

Both of the things the two of you say you wish for so strongly are already available to you in the present, if only you weren't both tormenting yourselves chasing a fantasy instead of living in the present moment - a present moment that could perfectly fulfil your needs if you let it.

Viewed that way, stopping ttc could be a positive, hopeful choice.

This is beautiful, and so true. I really wish you well and hope you can find peace.

I can't help feeling bad about your son. He's 10? The last year of primary is such an amazing, coming of age kind of age. The new world of secondary. It's a great time and an important time for him. You should be enjoying this with him, not focusing on trying to have the perfect child (not him - not a "proper" childhood if you're a single parent apparently, and he may well get the message), going through miscarriages, etc. And fertility treatment is gruelling and brings health risks, if you choose that route. You're at real risk of fucking up what you've already got. And if your husband loves babies that much - wouldn't he have made different career decisions, so he could spend time with his original 3? Will he be so keen on doing all that work now, when he's so much older? And how will it impact on your relationship if there are special needs (so much more likely in your case)? And that's without really thinking of the child itself.

You are very lucky you know, you have a family, you have a lovely son at an age where he still wants and needs you. You're financially secure and have a great future ahead. You both have this idea of having the perfect baby together but what if the baby has a disability or serious illness or is even just a disagreeable baby? They aren't all lovely big chubby babies who coo at you and grow into loving and obedient children. You risk severely disrupting the apple cart and putting family relationships under serious strain.

And sorry but it's weird that he's locked himself in the bathroom because you have your period. Most men would give you a hug and try to cheer you up about it and tell you it doesn't matter because you have each other and that's enough.

It wouldn't be for me. 53 is far to old for someone who already had children.
I can't see it being much fun being say 20 with a 75 year old parent.

I'm 38 with a 10 Yr old and just given up trying for a 2nd after repeated miscarriage for years. DH is 43.
Having spent time with nephews and nieces in the toddler stage, we realised we are just too far past that and couldn't cope with the few years of exhaustion.
We were sad initially but are now enjoying the 10 year old much more - blending a 10 Yr old and a newborn would have been very difficult I think

I have been in your situation ( although my partner hadn't had any children) I eventually got pregnant at 42 but had a miscarriage at 13 weeks.

I was upset to have lost the baby but neither of us were totally devastated.

I am now really glad we didn't have children. I'm 55 now and simply can't imagine having the energy to look after a 12 year old and all that entails. I also would be facing having to continue to work full time, same for my partner. As it is we are both semi retired and have the freedom to do what we like, live where we like, go on holiday when we like.

Don't underestimate the impact perimenopause and menopause have. At 40 it will seem a long way off, but for many women it starts mid 40's and it can be awful. Dealing with a small child at the same time is not something I can imagine.

I think you just can't make having a child the central thing in your life or the main driver of your happiness. I know it's hard.

I am 46 and I would not be considering what you are. But that's me. I have 2 almost adult children and couldn't even begin to think about going back to sleepless nights etc

Just to update. It’s been a hard day to be honest and I’m hiding upstairs to type this.

We have chatted very honestly about our future, and have gone round and round in circles about what we should do. My partner is very much leaning towards us embracing what we have now and putting the TTC aside. I thought I was also there, but actually, I’m heartbroken and I know we are so lucky and we can have an amazing life - but I’m gutted.

I’m trying so hard to hold it all together but tonight it just feels a bit final, and I know I need to flip my head so I count our blessings (of which there are so many) but I’m just so sad. I keep sobbing, which I feel guilty for, but I haven’t quite caught my head and my heart up yet I guess.

My partner is very much leaning towards us embracing what we have now and putting the TTC aside.

This seems quite the U turn from locking himself in the bathroom because you had your period.

That aside. Your feelings are natural. I'd love another, but we had twins, and by the time they are not consuming every moment of the day, I'll be too old for our 4th. Plus, really, we can't afford 4 weddings, uni places, hide deposits. We can give 3 a great life.

What helped me, was removing from my head, the brilliant bubbly new baby experience of my younger years that I was trying to pretend was the same thing now. It's not the same. It's a completely different ball game to what our knowledge of having a baby has been thus far. When I stopped pretending I was having another baby like I had, and accepted I would be having a massively different experience, it started to feel like the right choice.

Rather than envisaging your "young mum" experience replicating, address the reality. DH isn't going to be running the father's race. You're not going to have the energy you did a decade ago and it's only going to decline. What if the baby has a medical complication due to your maternal age. What if DH health deteriorates in his 60s, and then you've got a teen and a primary age child, plus him to split your care over. What if DH (god forbid) doesn't make 70, then the child has to cope with parental death in teen years, probably whilst trying to sit their exams.

I still love the thought of a 4th. I've got the name picked. I'm so broody. But it really wouldn't be the right or fair choice for anyone, mainly the child.

I hope you feel brighter with time. I get the odd pang now and then, but it's quickly resolved when I remind myself that truly the best way to love number 4, is not to have him

Your 10 year old will suffer - if all goes well you'll be in the all encompassing baby/toddler years when he's in the early years of senior and really needs you but might not know how to say it. I wouldn't.

Today 21:20 pianolessons1

Your 10 year old will suffer - if all goes well you'll be in the all encompassing baby/toddler years when he's in the early years of senior and really needs you but might not know how to say it. I wouldn't“

Our 9 year old certainly didn’t suffer: I was lucky if I got a look in! Many years on, they are so close and the best of friends.

Most people are quite capable of balance.

Absolutely not. My father died at 62 and it has been bad enough as an adult with my own family to deal with that. The thought of having to go through that was a 10 year old fills me with horror. And yes, I know he could live for many more years and younger people die too. But this is my personal experience and no, my dad had no known health problems until a month before he died when it all came crashing down (cancer).

Apologies for any typos above and for the bluntness of my reply.

My mother was 37 when she had me and sadly died when I was 26 due to undiagnosed heart disease. It was awful but surely I am in a better position than if I hadn't been born at all... then I wouldn't exist???

You sound like you are both ready and able to have a baby. I would keep going but specifically I would pursue fertility treatment ASAP

As the daughter of an older father who died when I was very young, no.