Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Would you have a baby in these circumstances?

114 replies

Wouldyoubaby · 02/11/2021 21:42

I’ve name changed as I’m going to be pretty specific about our situation.

I’m 40, my fiance is 53. We are due to get married in September. He has 3 older kids, I have Ds who is 10. We all get on really well and I realise how lucky we are to have this.

I was on my own with Ds from pregnancy, and always wanted another baby “properly” with a loving partner. Dp has always worked incredibly hard and wants to have a child he is able to be more present for.

We are very well off financially, stable, kids in private schools and semi retired with a view to retiring properly and having others run our businesses in next 5 years.

We had a miscarriage at Easter and have been trying for about a year properly now. Every time I get my period we are gutted. It’s starting taking over our lives a bit, and I’m now not sure if we are doing the right thing.

We are desperate for a baby, but my partner especially is older. I’m worried we are doing the right thing, that we should embrace our kids being older and the freedoms of that….. but at same time I would love a child - we both would.

What would you do? I got my period tonight and my partner is locked in bathroom now because he’s trying to hold it together.

If we do decide to stop, how do we come to terms with that?

Thank you for reading this far

OP posts:

ScheisseMinelli · 02/11/2021 22:33

If it's what you want, go for it. Use your ample resources to throw money at fertility treatment ASAP, and (if it works) at support to see you both through the sleep deprivation (e.g., night nanny; au pair). Loads of women have babies in their early 40s and you can lighten the load if you are financially secure. Good luck x

julieca · 02/11/2021 22:34

I'm also concerned that you say your DP wants a baby he can be more present for when you already have a 10-year old that he can be present for. Yes, 10 is not a baby, but a 10-year-old still needs a lot of their parents time.
I don't think your financial situation which you say is good, or your age is the most important thing in this situation. Bringing together two adults with children is already challenging but maybe working because one set of children are older and don't need so much parental input. A baby could blow this dynamic apart, especially since you both have unresolved regrets that you want this new baby to solve. That risks you both seeing this baby as more important to your own identities than the existing children.

GreyhoundG1rl · 02/11/2021 22:36

No. Sorry.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

aimss4777 · 02/11/2021 22:36

I wouldn't.

Cyw2018 · 02/11/2021 22:37

My friends dad was a similar age to your DH when she was born. She had a great relationship with him and adored him. He was able to provide her with a very privileged lifestyle as he had set up and grown his business in his 30s and 40s and already made his millions.

Obviously the older you get the more risky a pregnancy can be, but if you have already carried a baby to term then that risk is significantly different to a first time mum at 40.

Maybe worth paying for an appointment for the two of you with a fertility doctor to do all the basic tests rather than inflicting all this heart ache on yourself each month without knowing if it is actually possible.

CaddieDawg · 02/11/2021 22:38

No chance. You can't create another child to try and correct previous wrongs in your other children's upbringing, what kind of sibling relationship with that lead to? Spoiled baby taking over things when they are in difficult teenage years etc.

You mentioned you are on course for early retirement, that doesn't add up with having another baby, very different life choices ahead.

I think you should both concentrate on the freedoms you now have with older children, and make the most of what's left of their childhoods rather than trying to start again to rewrite history.

Sorry if that's harsh and sorry for your loss, but I don't think you are being realistic.

julieca · 02/11/2021 22:39

Also autism is more likely with an older father.

julieca · 02/11/2021 22:42

@CafeCremeMerci

I'm sorry to hear about your MC.

Don't forget when reading the replies, a lot of posters are in there 20's and 40 sounds old to them - it's not!

At your age I definitely would keep trying! You're plenty young enough. Your DH is a bit older (my age), but I know men who became Dads at his age & are brilliant with the kids. It's not as though he's being dragged into it reluctantly!!

Wishing you both a successful pregnancy & a shared baby x

I am in my fifties so older than OP. But I am also old enough to know you don't have a baby to try and mend the problems you have. And regrets about the past is a problem.

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/11/2021 22:43

I think you would be wonderful parents because you both really, really want a child together.

So many people haven’t given a thought to the future when they find themselves parents by chance.

I was very nearly 40 when we had our second (big gap) and my husband was nearly 48. He was disabled with various health issues. We had been told we wouldn’t have any more children naturally but somehow we did. I worried myself to sleep about the future.

That “worry” has just gone off to university. He has been an absolute blessing and I thank my lucky stars for him and his older sister (and now grandchild) every day.

We’re both very much alive and kicking and plan to be so for a long time to come!

Sadly, we have known other people considerably younger than ourselves who have passed, leaving children behind. There’s no rhyme or reason sometimes.

All the best, hope it works out for you.

RobinPenguins · 02/11/2021 22:50

Don't forget when reading the replies, a lot of posters are in there 20's and 40 sounds old to them - it's not!

I’m not, OP is only a few years younger than me and I’ve got friends having babies over 40. But the first post refers to semi retirement and imminent retirement and that just seems like a whole different life stage from us, I don’t even consider myself to be halfway through my career yet.

namechangeobvs1988 · 02/11/2021 22:50

Can you afford IVF?

DriftingBlue · 02/11/2021 22:54

I probably would not pursue it.

If I wanted to though, I would be booking an appointment with a private fertility specialist.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 02/11/2021 22:54

I wouldn't.

MrsMo21 · 02/11/2021 22:56

I understand why posters are suggesting fertility treatment but I do wonder how many of them have actually been through IVF?! It’s not a quick fix and it is often full of heartache - if your DH is finding it emotionally difficult to deal with your period, then I don’t know whether fertility treatments are the right idea; they’re infinitely harder and more emotionally charged. Not to mention it is very rare for round one to work so you’re looking at thousands and lots of invasive procedures.

However, if you want to continue to try to have a baby then there is nothing stopping you and if that is what you want and can cope with then do it. Perhaps consider seeking out therapy or emotional support whereby you come to a level of acceptance - if it happens then great, if it doesn’t then that’s okay too. There are some fab therapists out there specialising in fertility and family planning.

diamondpony80 · 02/11/2021 23:07

DH and I are similar ages. I’d have loved another baby, but I think at 50+ DH is too old. 40 is nowhere near too old to have a baby though if you really want to. Many of my friends are only having their first now at ages 40 and 41.

stingofthebutterfly · 02/11/2021 23:13

You've both already had the chance to have a baby 'properly' and it didn't work out for either of you. Who says another one would?

Honestly, I wouldn't. Not due to the risks of pregnancy because of your age; plenty of 40 year olds have successful pregnancies, but because of the huge age gaps, the fact that your partner would be parenting a teenager when he's over 70, and the blended family aspect.

I think you need to focus on other things, and the child you already have.

BudgeSquare · 02/11/2021 23:22

@CafeCremeMerci

I'm sorry to hear about your MC.

Don't forget when reading the replies, a lot of posters are in there 20's and 40 sounds old to them - it's not!

Wishing you both a successful pregnancy & a shared baby x

I am the same age as the OP and I absolutely would not do this. And my children are younger than hers, and my husband is a decade younger than hers.

Children aren't a 'second chance'.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 02/11/2021 23:24

Personally, no i wouldn't.

00100001 · 02/11/2021 23:25

40 is old to be having a baby.

You might not feel old, or think it's old as we live so long..but biologically it's old. The quality of eggs drops as we age.

Even with IVF increasing chances, its 9% per cent for women aged 40 to 42 that have successful treatment.

All this anecdotal evidence of "I know loads of people who have had babies after 40" is just anecdotal evidence. You don't know how many unsuccessful attempts/pregnancies there were in every woman you know over 40, or how many times the successful ones tried or had failed pregnancies.

Yes, it is possible to have a healthy baby at 40+, but it's incredibly unlikely.

Statistics aside, the emotional turmoil sounds like it would be too great for OP and her DH.

caramelcracker · 02/11/2021 23:32

This sounds so hard. I've had a miscarriage recently and know how hard it is trying again.

If it was me, I would continue to plan to have a child in some way. I think what I would probably do if it was me (and it is not me) would be to adopt. I know it isn't a light undertaking. But it could also help the age situation in adopting an older child.

NorthSouthcatlady · 02/11/2021 23:33

Probably not in your circumstances. We have been trying since we were 36 and 38, so a lot younger than you both but have got nowhere. We have had 2 cycles of IVF but still nothing. I’m around your age and there’s a 40% chance at our age of miscarriage. Plus you both already have children so there will be a few different children, at different stages which sounds draining

NorthSouthcatlady · 02/11/2021 23:35

@MrsMo21 exactly, IVF isn’t the magic bullet that people think it is. It is always more likely to fail, than to succeed. The emotional, physical and financial costs of it are high

Fifthtimelucky · 02/11/2021 23:39

I'm not as negative as others about your ages. I had my second at 38, when my husband was 49, so not that different from you. Ideally I'd have liked a third, but we'd have been at least 40 and 51 by then. We had two healthy children (and he also had one 20 years older from his first marriage) and decided that we should not push our luck.

If either one of you didn't already have children, I'd say go for it. As it is, you already have four between you and a fifth, if it happens at all, would definitely complicate life.

minipie · 02/11/2021 23:39

Dp has always worked incredibly hard and wants to have a child he is able to be more present for.

May I suggest he focuses on being more present for the children he already has and who clearly didn’t see much of him while they were growing up? They are still his children, he doesn’t have to have a new baby to have a more hands on parenting experience.

paimio · 02/11/2021 23:47

No advice, but I was 35 when I fell pregnant with DC, and DP was 55. He wasn’t planned but I can’t imagine not having DC now. That said, DC is my only child (DP has adult children). Good luck whatever you decide

Flip

1 2 3 4 5