Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

He can't be forced to do 50/50 if you leave - he may do NOTHING and all you will get is 15-20% of his salary - not even enough to cover nursery if you go to work

Do you currently have equal access to money?

I recommend you go back to work and get a nanny or a nursery close to work (while you're with him)

And yes he's a massive twat

@Maiasaur

That is appalling, employers have to be held accountable for the sexist discrimination DH’s employers have no grasp on reality. DH tried to book time off after my surgery because I’d be incapacitated, and they said “why can’t you hire a nurse?” As if normal people are able to afford to hire a nurse for someone who’s sick! I’m sure they don’t understand why we can’t just hire a nanny too.

I know you say you can't hire a nanny but have you really looked into it and costed it out? Even if you only break even it would allow you to take steps to get back to work. How much would you earn in your career job? When does your child start school?

@ProudAlly

Basic reading comprehension doesn’t seem to be something you’ve grasped fully!

Not sure why you’re conflating my post to OP about her obvious deeper resentment to her situation with my objection to a pp inventing facts, but it’s not achieving much beyond detailing the thread and showing you aren’t reading posts properly, so maybe it’s not a great idea?

Because if he is now earning £100k after all his promotions, and your job was paying £25k, that puts a very different slant on the situation to if he is earning £35k and you’re earning £25k…
Why? He doesn't get to demand his wife becomes his servant just because he's earning big bucks.
What's important here is both of them are satisfied with the life they have - she isn't and he doesn't care. There's so many things he could be doing to help e.g. agree he'll do all childcare at weekends so she can work then. Commit to being at home at work finishing time one or two evenings a week and dealing with the baby so she can retrain. Doing an equal share of shopping/cooking/meal planning. He's doing none of it

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

With no childcare available did you think it was a good idea for him to give up his job so you could take up a new job? I understand you wanting to go back to work but you have no security in the first two years so I do think the pragmatic decision at this particular point was for his job to continue. You talk about his logic but what was your logic about what to do?

I honestly think you can catch up with a 4 year break, I've had 4 kids so had various gaps in my career then DH became disabled and I became his carer as well as a mum and a fulltime worker and I definitely caught up with friends who hadn't had breaks, passed many of them. Depends on lots of things not just time served unless you are talking about annual rises for length of service but even they stop when you reach the top of the pay scale.

Maybe he isn't the best person to help with career advice, I'm sure there will be services available too help with this, I'm sure the govt have set some up to do precisely this after the hellish time we have all been through.

I feel like the return to "normal" (or as normal as we can manage at the moment) is hitting alot of people harder than the lockdowns did. Not sure why but I've seen it in several friends/family members.

I hope you can sort it out, it has been so tough for covid babies.

You’d be better off if you left, you’d at least have some time when he had to do the childcare on his own. Sounds like things are shit anyway, have you put it to him in those terms?

The problem seems to me that he has no concept of what marriage should be, particularly in relation to the concept of mutual support. He somehow thinks it outrageous that he should be expected to give an opinion on your career and job options because that's "not his job" - yet for most couples, that sort of thing is not about whether it's your job or responsibility, it's about loving the other person and wanting to help them. Similarly for him it seems to be some sort of competition to get out of child care and looking after the home and that he will have failed if he has to do it; most fathers enjoy looking after their child and accept the need to contribute to housekeeping and cooking in the interests of the whole family.

It's just possible that some marriage counselling may help, but I fear he will decide he is too big and important to give up time for that.

@Maiasaur

men need to do their fair share so that employers treat mums and dads in the workplace equally This is the problem. Whenever there’s a childcare issue it’s always “why can’t your wife handle it?” And when I was in hospital for surgery and had nobody to look after DC they said “why can’t your wife’s mother handle it?”!

Then he’s working for the wrong employer

I understand the pressure as sole earner. I understand the decisions to ensure his job is safe and, hard as it is on you, it made sense.

You’re spot on he can and should be offering help and support to you, and in my opinion he should be looking to move jobs to someone who offers more understanding and balance (they exist, I work for one)

The person that needs a new job is your DH.

Then you.

His employer is the issue - they’re appalling.

I'm usually on the womans side but quite honestly I think you are being ridiculous.
These are unusual times, they are not normal, an employer can't be expected to keep people on who are constantly off sick and then off with the kids.
I'd have given my eye teeth to be at hone with my DS but it was not an option as I was a single parent.
Surely it won't be long before DC goes to school and then you can start to resume a normal life.
Quite honestly I can't see how hard it is to manage one child on your own and a bit of cooking and cleaning, you get the benefit of looking after your own child, your husband manages the financial burden.
I had to do all of these things on my own.
So you have a few years off! It isn't going to ruin your life.
Your husband must be properly pissed off to have such a miserable spouse.

@Maiasaur

men need to do their fair share so that employers treat mums and dads in the workplace equally This is the problem. Whenever there’s a childcare issue it’s always “why can’t your wife handle it?” And when I was in hospital for surgery and had nobody to look after DC they said “why can’t your wife’s mother handle it?”!

I know. And it needs him to grow a pair and tell them their attitudes are outdated. But sounds like that won’t happen.

Is your child picking up on all of this? It sounds awfully sad.

@DameMaureen

It sounds to me as if you are more angry at life - you had a child and then everything changed . What did you expect to happen ? Children DO change lives . Maybe you underestimated that ? Covid then came along and fucked up many people's lives - you are not alone in that but it put paid to your plans of having some leave then going back to work . Your DH is right in that he cannot give up the job which is the highest earner . You sound a bit pathetic when it comes to looking at new job areas tbh . I have fuck all idea what to do in this situation he’s put me in HE has not put you in this situation - you chose to have a child, Covid happened - LIFE did this to you . If you are not working currently then most of the home stuff does fall to you . Get a job and it can then change . The sad truth is that you may never "catch up" as you call it - the price that most mothers pay . You do sound very self centred .

they had a child. Both of them. He has failed to change or accept responsibility. Take your internalised misogyny elsewhere.

He could easily use annual leave to care for his dc when ill or isolating, he could easily take shared responsibility for childcare and household tasks, do a shop, cook a meal, wash up- there is an endless list of thing he could and should do as a parent and a partner. Yes a higher income will take priority if job security is threatened but someone in a senior secure position has a degree of flexibility and any employer should be understanding when people need to take leave at short notice. it doesn't mean he gets to check out of the rest of adult life or treat his partner like shit.

This is not acceptable and we need to acknowledge and change that. The attitude of all childcare and housework being 'wife work' is the problem.

Have you ever tried to change career? It's fucking hard! Asking for some input isn't unreasonable, OP is carrying a huge burden and adding to that a life changing decision and being overwhelmed isn't pathetic.

Being a single mum now is really hard , job opportunities are severely limited and that is without Covid. I'm struggling but just about managing - I thank God I no longer have a twatty entitled idiot to deal with as that would seriously affect my mental health . Trust me when I say you are better off without him .

Promotion has gone to the pricks head & he thinks he deserves a chief cook & bottle washer little woman at home. How dare he put you in that box without your consent & how dare he not help with care for DC he helped to make.

This would be a deal breaker for me too, it's not so much about the situation itself, sometimes it happens with kids & one parent needs to be home for them & life happens to force it, as it did with us. His attitude however is disgusting, he totally disrespects your needs in wants as he's now on a power trip of "the little woman at home" & that would give me the absolute rage & id want mine out if he did that too... thankfully he never did

What is the salary difference here, OP?
He earns £70k. Before I got pregnant I earned £22k and he earned £28k. He has been promoted massively, especially during the pandemic when a couple of senior staff died and others retired or had to shield. He was one of the only staff not on furlough and was pretty much running his side of the business. It’s not just that I’ve lost four years of work experience - he’s had massive opportunities and I can’t possibly catch up.

@Maiasaur

If you look forward a year, 5 years - where do you want to be? Working full time and only having to stay off work for my fair share of days to cover DC sickness and school holidays. But I can’t see that happening. DH doesn’t even take his holidays because he’s so indispensable. He refuses to take longer than a long weekend and he’s only taken two of those this year. He isn’t going to take full weeks off to cover school holidays. In fact they won’t let him take off two weeks in a row, the most he’s allowed is one week.

Not being able to take 2 weeks off is awful particularly if his job is demanding. Not good for his mental health or yours.

@Capferret

On Sunday secretly pack a bag. Write a note. Monday morning get up super early and leave without your dc for a week. Let him be a parent. And sort out childcare. If you're on the verge of ltb you have nothing to lose.

Please don't do this. Will help no one and the kids will suffer

I think you have to find a way to get back to your career. Somehow, and he really does have to step up. This is a shit situation and one that will continue until we all make a massive fuss about it.

Argh, I'm so annoyed on your behalf op

I had a sort of similar thing when we had dcs. I was made redundant and then we moved house to an area with far fewer opportunities for my line of work. His family (fair enough) refuse to help with childcare and mine are either dead or overseas. Nurseries were so expensive, it just never worked out for me to go back until we got free hours for our youngest.

Throughout this, dh has been promoted and bloody fawned over at work. I mean, he is actually very clever and good at his job, so was probably always going to get this, but still, it bloody stung when I was at home with small kids and no family or friends to speak of.

But the reason yours is so much worse is that your dh is so unsupportive! Mine has really stepped up during covid. I'm back at work and love it. He is probably more likely to cover sickness than I am as he can work from home and I really can't.

It still hurts that my career probably won't be what it could have been because of the time I've spent off with kids or if we'd had regular help with childcare etc. But it doesn't feel as annoying because I know dh has my back with childcare. And if I died or we divorced, I know he is capable of looking after the kids on his own, as he does it all the time. Obviously I don't want to have to think about that, but it's really important.

@Maiasaur

If he was to take equal time off to you, he may risk his job At this point I care about myself and my own achievements. I don’t care if he loses his job. Maybe he needs to take a lesser job so he can do his share.

Do you think the posters explaining that the decision to focus on his job security in the short term have a point?

I get you’re angry, but step back and think about what else would you have expected at that time?

DH doesn’t even take his holidays because he’s so indispensable. He refuses to take longer than a long weekend and he’s only taken two of those this year. He isn’t going to take full weeks off to cover school holidays. In fact they won’t let him take off two weeks in a row, the most he’s allowed is one week

Sensible employers are very wary of employees who won't take time off, because it can be a sign that they don't want anyone else to discover their errors and failures. I wonder how secure his job actually is?

However, if this is down to the employers rather than your husband, he's an idiot for lying down under it. It sounds like they need him more than he needs them, so he's in a good position to negotiate a fairer division of work so that he can take reasonable breaks.

Can you ask him which he will regret more in 20 years' time - not spending more time in the office, or missing out on his son or daughter's childhood?

Is there any love left? It sounds like there isn't. You are right to say you are going back to your job and he is going to have to help. Is his job well paid so you can get a nanny? Or find paid for emergency childcare. In the early years it costs a lot but the long term earnings are worth it. I'd get him to understand this.

His work sound like they are stuck in the dark ages. Can he find a new job?

I think your marriage is over because he’s an awful twat who has zero respect for you or interest in parenting. I think in this case divorce probably is your only option but don’t proceed with that under any illusion that he will have 50/50 custody. A man like him is highly unlikely to start pulling his weight now, why would he if he won’t even do it to keep his family together? Expect EOW and to be messed around with even that. On the bright side, you can please yourself and won’t be lumbered without him in your home and you can claim part of his pension and CM.

Why is the knee jerk response on MN always divorce and leave? Nobody seems to acknowledge that a lot of OP's problems were caused by a set of incredibly shitty but temporary situations. Having a toddler during the pandemic is absolutely crap. OP, your situation reminds me of my own. We had a 1yr old just before the pandemic began and I was preparing to go back to work after maternity. DH is a workaholic and almost aways away 12-14 hours a day. When he comes home he's knackered and rarely helps with any housework or cooking. Our nursery spot also got fucked due to the pandemic so I ended up staying home with DD until she's 3 and ready for kindergarten. I can't tell you how often I considered leaving the marriage because I was just so fed up of being stuck with all the childcare and home chores. However children grow up and you will get your time and life back, even though it feels hopelessly endless at times.

There are a couple of issues to sort through:

• Do you still enjoy your time together with DH when entirely removed from your current stressors? We managed to have a holiday alone (DD at grandparents, no cooking, laundry or cleaning for a few days) and I felt like a different person. DH and I had a great time and I realised it wasn't him per se causing the problem but just the avalanche of tedium from everyday life.

• Do you feel in any slight way proud of his achievements? Sometimes it's easy to get lost in the resentment of a partner working long hours that he gets punished or given the silent treatment for talking about successes at work. I felt like he was rubbing salt in my wounds but I realised my main problem was that I was simply stuck at home due to pandemic and nursery issues. In a different timeline if we were both working full-time I would be celebrating his successes along with my own.

• Does DH engage in any other more serious toxic behaviour (cheating, abuse, financial control, etc)? To be fair, "working a lot" is not the greatest of sins especially if he's doing so to provide for his family. As some PPs have mentioned, financial stability is nothing to be taken for granted. Some women probably dream of the situation where their partner is working enough for them to be a SAHM, and they will dedicate their life to childcare and home.

• What would really make you happy? If your DC were in school and you're working again, could you imagine that feeling easier than your current situation? Small children suck every bit of energy out of you, but it will eventually get better. Could you imagine sticking with DH even though he annoys the fuck out of you for a few more years to see how things are then? The pandemic will be over, there will be more job opportunities and the children are older.