Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

[Brefugee]

If he hadn’t put me in this situation by a.insisting on having a baby and b.being selfish then I wouldn’t need to research a new job

Look, i know you're angry but you both made the decision to have the baby according to your OP. And nobody can be blamed that you had health issues, it is what it is.

And nobody can be blamed about the pandemic - it came at an utterly shit time for you. Really truly a shit time. But again it is what it is.

So what you have to do is think about what you want to do. If you look forward a year, 5 years - where do you want to be?

Realistically it is fine to say "he should insist on his legal rights" but if you have no job and he is managed out (as you were - it's really easy) then you are up shit creek. So make realistic plans. (have some dreams too, but make realistic plans) Use different scenarios: you leave and do EOW, you leave and you do 50/50, you go to relationship therapy and stay together, you persuade him that a different job for him would be better, one that enables family life and you to work in a fulfilling job

etc etc. Work out which one out of those you really want, and a plan B, and a plan C, and work towards it. You know your DHs workplace isn't going to change their attitude, you know your DH - will he change to help you, or will he carry on? (from what I've read - it will be you struggling and him EOW, sadly) but you can move forward and you can do the best for your and your child.

[QuentinBunbury]

He’s earning the most, keeping the family going financially. He can’t just take time off to fill in the childcare gaps
I feel like I'm in some kind of parallel universe on this thread.
She lost her job because he wouldn't help at all with a childcare crisis.
Now posters are saying she should effectively suck it up because he earns more. I mean, what? This isn't the 1950s. There was nothing at all to stop him taking some time to help with childcare, in fact at the height of covid employers would be expecting it. He's just been an absolute knob.

I think its a tough one OP, if you actually hate him you should leave. If you think there's potential it could be ok then you need to make him have an adult conversation about how to create a family dynamic that works for you as well as him. Counselling would be a good place to do that.

In any case, he needs a serious talk from you so he can't just bury his head in the sand and pretend important job is a trump card in life

[Maiasaur]

That is appalling, employers have to be held accountable for the sexist discrimination
DH’s employers have no grasp on reality. DH tried to book time off after my surgery because I’d be incapacitated, and they said “why can’t you hire a nurse?” As if normal people are able to afford to hire a nurse for someone who’s sick! I’m sure they don’t understand why we can’t just hire a nanny too.

[Harlequin1088]

Well he's never going to change while he's having his cake and eating it. At the moment, he gets to play Mr. Important Big Shot all day long at work, come home whenever he feels like it to a cooked meal on the table while wifey has done every single household task imaginable while caring for and raising his child. And then on top of that he gets to hold it over your head that he's the bread winner and single-handedly providing for the family. What a hero!

Look at his life compared to yours. Of course he doesn't want to help you to get another job as you returning to the workplace would inconvenience him greatly and would mean - horror of horrors - he has to share the load!

I'm afraid the pandemic has caused a lot of people to reevaluate the relationships in their lives so it's no surprise there's so many people coming out of lockdowns filing for divorce. I suggest you join them.

[HolidaysAreComingBack]

Honestly, with all your posts I can’t see how not getting a divorce is an option. He has shown his true colours that he wants to be in that horrible macho world and they are just validating his views on you as a woman at home and he will do everything to keep you at home until your child is 18 and then he’ll leave with his long term mistress.

You’ve posted you have no sexual feels towards him and avoid him, get a lawyer, get divorced and shared custody so you can get back to work and feel like you. He has to sort out child care on his days.

[Chocaholic9]

@LadyCampanulaTottington

He’s effectively keeping you hostage because he won’t take the equal responsibility for parenting.

I rarely say LTB but in this case I believe you would be genuinely better off OP. Nobody can hold you hostage and he’ll have to take equal responsibility.

This.

[ProudAlly]

@SW1amp

Ok, well if you’re at the point of anger where you’re referring to your own baby as ‘a problem he created’, I think you need to step away from the internet and seek out some help from an actual qualified therapist

This is about way, way more than your career and split of the mental load in your house

This is about way, way more than your career and split of the mental load in your house and what research is that based on?

[SomePosters]

I feel your pain op

I thought I had found a man I trusted to raise a child with.

6 years I invested in building that trust and within 5 months I’d being pregnant it was clear I was going to be on my own, by 7 I started to realise my life was in danger and before my kids first birthday social services were threatening to take my kid if I had him back

I would try opening up to him one last time, tell him calmly that his attitude is making you feel devalued and you really want his support to get back on the career ladder

Bite your tongue a little while he works through whatever his feelings are about being ‘the provider’

If he won’t step up and parent then start making plans to leave.

You deserve to feel valued by your life partner. He doesn’t get to force you into domestic servitude

[Sparechange]

What is the salary difference here, OP?

Because if he is now earning £100k after all his promotions, and your job was paying £25k, that puts a very different slant on the situation to if he is earning £35k and you’re earning £25k…

[Brefugee]

I don’t care if he loses his job. Maybe he needs to take a lesser job so he can do his share.

look up how much UC you would get and then give your head a wobble and make a plan.

He sounds like an utter shit - but he also sounds as though he feels under pressure as the sole breadwinner, he is under pressure to fit in with work and behave like the other guys there, he is getting used to having his cake (baked by you) and eating it.

So in the here and now you have to work around that - but you need a plan. I get that you feel all put upon and cheated out of your life plan and so on, and you are allowed to feel that. But you have to give yourself a shake and get on with things for the sake of your DC if nothing else.

[ProudAlly]

If I was in your shoes I'd divorce him, claim maintenance through the CMA and start over. At least your life would be your own and you'd be in control of your decisions. Agree with PPs that he'd be unlikely to take 50/50 and you couldn't force that anyway. But get your life back. Your life.

[Iimaginethiswillbefun]

What on earth is his job? What a vile individual.

And sorry as someone who speaks from experience. My other half left me for someone younger because I was exhausted all the time (yes I looked after the children with no help), I had let myself go (yes again hard to pretty yourself up with you have 3 under 7) and I was boring (see above).

I would honestly start making plans to leave. You will be entitled to universal credit and other benefits. No it’s not ideal but this is a shitty situation to be in.

[SW1amp]

@ProudAlly

Research? It’s based on basic reading comprehension and OP making it clear that her resentment towards a situation runs quite deep
She has said in a couple of posts that he ‘insisted’ they had a baby, which she then goes on to call a problem

That’s an entirely different planet to another poster inventing state to suit their narrative

[ProudAlly]

@SW1amp

Sorry you’ve had such a stressful couple of years. I can see how your work confidence will have taken an absolute battering after that

But I’m not in the LTB camp, I’m afraid. I can see both sides to this

Clearly job security has been a worry for everyone, but especially him. He has had a ringside seat to see you being treated badly by an employer so his concern about one of you needing a squeaky clean attendance record is understandable

Leaving him and forcing 50/50 isn’t going to benefit anyone. He will probably just get a nanny or similar, you won’t get a penny of maintenance from him, and you’ll still have the same issues dealing with sickness etc at work
And your dc will be passed from pillar to post.

Can’t you have a grown up conversation with him about where you go from here?
Get a nanny instead of a childminder? Find a term time only job?
But having a hissy fit and threatening to leave and find a way to derail his career is just childish, even if it comes from a place of frustration

you won’t get a penny of maintenance from him OP's Dh is employed and therefore she can claim through the CMS and have it collected by them if necessary

[SunnySideDownBriefly]

I would start planning. If you think you need to change jobs/industry completely then get training now. You've got a couple of years until your lo goes to school so I would plan towards that. Squirrel away a fund for yourself, focus on you and your future and just keep your head down and work towards getting into a better position as a single, financially independent woman. Accept what it is for now and use the bastard for setting up your new life.

I know it sounds like a long time but you've got an opportunity now to set yourself up well rather than just exploding one day and being no further forward but with all financial support gone.

And stop cooking for the fucker when he's been a shitbag. Fill the fridge with ready meals for him and cook what you like for yourself and lo.

[ProudAlly]

[quote SW1amp]@ProudAlly

Research? It’s based on basic reading comprehension and OP making it clear that her resentment towards a situation runs quite deep
She has said in a couple of posts that he ‘insisted’ they had a baby, which she then goes on to call a problem

That’s an entirely different planet to another poster inventing state to suit their narrative[/quote]
"basic reading comprehension" is not research.

[Fetarabbit]

@Maiasaur

If he was to take equal time off to you, he may risk his job
At this point I care about myself and my own achievements. I don’t care if he loses his job. Maybe he needs to take a lesser job so he can do his share.

Leave him and find a job then. Him losing his job when he is the only earner isn't a good plan, but similarly it doesn't sound like he is going to change so you're right, you have to take control of your own life. But assume when you split he will still do the square root of fuck all, because the law is weak and no one will force him to see his child, or to contribute financially more than the bare minimum.

[CruellaDeVilla]

@userg5647

He’s earning the most, keeping the family going financially. He can’t just take time off to fill in the childcare gaps.

I earn double what my DH does, in a stressful high responsibility job, and yet magically, somehow, I still manage to do half the childcare. Having a "Very Important" job doesn't mean you slack off at home, if anything, I have far more flexibility than when I was a minimum wage earner as I own my diary now and can easily dictate when I need to prioritise home. So this whole "he's too important to sink to house help" is utter bullshit, condoning it is exasperating the problem for women.

Quite. I earn a lot too and still pull my weight at home and with children- why can’t men do this? Answer: THEY DON’T WANT TO!

[LampLighter414]

Agreed that you can research and job search on your own. You are an adult and you don't need a hand hold to browse the internet. He can help as and when (and if) he wants to. You can run things you've found by him as and when to.

Otherwise he sounds generally quite unsupportive. I get the impression if you do find work, it is all on you to figure out the childcare, picks ups, drop offs etc. If the relationship is bad in other areas too - maybe a divorce is best and you can find someone who is more open to a true 'partnership'.

[DameMaureen]

It sounds to me as if you are more angry at life - you had a child and then everything changed . What did you expect to happen ? Children DO change lives . Maybe you underestimated that ? Covid then came along and fucked up many people's lives - you are not alone in that but it put paid to your plans of having some leave then going back to work . Your DH is right in that he cannot give up the job which is the highest earner . You sound a bit pathetic when it comes to looking at new job areas tbh .
I have fuck all idea what to do in this situation he’s put me in HE has not put you in this situation - you chose to have a child, Covid happened - LIFE did this to you . If you are not working currently then most of the home stuff does fall to you . Get a job and it can then change . The sad truth is that you may never "catch up" as you call it - the price that most mothers pay . You do sound very self centred .

[DaisyNGO]

@Maiasaur

That is appalling, employers have to be held accountable for the sexist discrimination
DH’s employers have no grasp on reality. DH tried to book time off after my surgery because I’d be incapacitated, and they said “why can’t you hire a nurse?” As if normal people are able to afford to hire a nurse for someone who’s sick! I’m sure they don’t understand why we can’t just hire a nanny too.

he's working with HNWIs isn't he?

if so, surely he should have money for a nanny.....?

[LucentBlade]

There is no way your husband will want 50/50 custody. Just looking at his attitude.

So if you plan to leave you need to assume he will probably be a weekend Dad. Which leaves you with all childcare if you have a Mon to Fri job.

His attitude and behaviour is appalling and now you are both avoiding each other.

Give it one shot to save. Over the next two months make him listen, really listen and then if he doesn’t it’s time to leave. Plus unless you have a nice chunk of money stashed away you need something to tide you over so use this time to apply for jobs and sort out finances.

I agree with other posters that he will unreliable in terms of maintenance as well.

[BigGreen]

You've stepped up and manned the family through a crazy period of childcare instability. You deserve your chance to go back to work. It's completely unrealistic for hi to decide that he will never ever take a day off when the kids are sick. What did he expect would happen when having kids?!

Being out of the workforce has huge impacts on your pension etc. It's about more than just the day to day costs. If he won't sit down and be reasonable I don't see how you can continue the relationship. I'm really sorry, I'd be as angry as you in that situation.

[PegasusReturns]

I’d divorce him.

He has no respect for you. Once the respect has gone it’s all over.

[Maiasaur]

If you look forward a year, 5 years - where do you want to be?
Working full time and only having to stay off work for my fair share of days to cover DC sickness and school holidays. But I can’t see that happening. DH doesn’t even take his holidays because he’s so indispensable. He refuses to take longer than a long weekend and he’s only taken two of those this year. He isn’t going to take full weeks off to cover school holidays. In fact they won’t let him take off two weeks in a row, the most he’s allowed is one week.