Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

Either leave or find the job and tell him that he has to be 50% respinsible for childcare.

Resentment grows. At the moment, your child is only 4, you have 'only' been out the workplace 4 years.

I made sacrifices to my career, and 15 years later, I have not recovered.

Listen to your instinct and give your child a positive role model. Do not settle for the drudge.

If you do decide to leave, leave on the assumption that he may not take 50:50 responsibility for your child. I have an ex that barely helped or cared about childcare, and I was juggling everything. We separated, and he now barely sees our child, and I lone parent for months at a time with the occasional weekend break. There's no forcing someone to take responsibility, especially if they haven't done any equal parenting before you split.

I can understand last year prioritising his stable job, but now it's time to share the load. If he won't do it when you're together, the chances of doing it when you are apart are slim.

However, I'm a hell of a lot happier now I'm solo, and we muddle along just fine, so there are silver linings.

Unfortunately a lot of us are in this career situation. My career is entirely fucked, and there's no way I'd be able to leave my husband either. Luckily I love him, and he's helpful when he's around, so it's not the same, but yeah.

Speaking for both of our husbands: He's the breadwinner (not that we couldn't be if the world were different but that's another discussion), and his job needs to be prioritised over one for me so that we can survive. But he sure as hell better do some of the cooking and cleaning and general parenting, and he certainly needs to be home from the office when he doesn't NEED to be there. No optional socialising for him either when we are stuck at home miserable all day.

Working full time and only having to stay off work for my fair share of days to cover DC sickness and school holidays. But I can’t see that happening.

OP you probably have to start planning a life where DH doesn't feature regularly (EOW probably). Take that as your base point.

I am going to assume that right now he's earning enough to keep you all well. Start getting a fund together. Make sure you have all the information you need to get a divorce and financial settlement rolling (there is enough info out here) just in case.

Be prepared.

Then start looking for retraining or job - you aren't working now so you have time, make time during the day. Can you get a cleaner? Your DH shouldn't object (he will, probably) and this will give you a bit more time. etc etc

Plan your life as though he's not in it.

Personally? I don't think a change of career is good - unless you hated it - because even if it is only a few years, you do have experience and don't have to start from scratch.

Make sure that when you agree access etc, your DH is under no illusion that on his time, childcare is his responsibility etc etc

Deep down you know this. You just need to take the plunge.

I think that during covid and lockdowns it was really important that your dh kept his job. But these times have passed (as much as they ever will) and he should be helping facilitate you both being able to work.

To be honest, for years dh's job came before mine regarding childcare as it was more important financially. But this was something that we both agreed. Now (with my dc having finished university!) my career has finally almost caught up to what it would have been if I had had no childcare responsibilities.

I think that your dh is being really unpleasant, it sounds as though it suits him for you to stay at home and be at his beck and call. Meanwhile your career and pension are suffering.

Unfortunately I think that other posters might be right in that this cannot be resolved and you would be better off seperating.

I can see the sense in protecting the main earners position however your DH has basically just checked out of any responsibility outside of employment and is being disrespectful and unsupportive of your ambitions to boot. He can’t claim to be unaware that your current situation isn’t one you’ve ever aspired to be in whilst he’s chasing his career ambitions.

I take the view that whilst childcare may end up uneven due to one partners work set up that doesn’t mean that they get a free pass on everything else. You have to cook and clean regardless of children or job. No ones entitled to a skivvy. If you wanted to do it that’s different but the expectation isn’t a given.

I basically think your options are bide your time and prepare to return to work when your dc are older or leave him but with the knowledge it won’t force him into relieving any of your load but you will at least lose the resentment of being his maid. If the second one is a realistic prospect I’d say do that because I don’t think there’s much coming back from the place you’re in now and he’s unlikely to have an epiphany and realise how much you’ve given up to maintain the family he’s got.

@Maiasaur

What is the salary difference here, OP? He earns £70k. Before I got pregnant I earned £22k and he earned £28k. He has been promoted massively, especially during the pandemic when a couple of senior staff died and others retired or had to shield. He was one of the only staff not on furlough and was pretty much running his side of the business. It’s not just that I’ve lost four years of work experience - he’s had massive opportunities and I can’t possibly catch up.

Don't write yourself off. I left school with no qualifications, was pregnant at 17 and when I retired from my job I was on six figures (I do a few hours a week at a local care home now but that isn't for the money it is for my sanity)

It is hard now but it was also hard in the 70s with high unemployment and lots of employers having to interest in taking on someone with a couple of kids and no qualifications. I used to be sitting at the dining table doing my homework with the kids.

Good luck the little one is getting older, life is getting more normal, lots of job vacancies about and things will get better.

He’s earning the most, keeping the family going financially. He can’t just take time off to fill in the childcare gaps. I completely understand how fed up and frustrated you are in your own job situation but I think especially with covid etc you both need to do everything you can to protect the main breadwinners job - and I’d say that if it was a man or a woman in that position.

Yes he can take time off. He has an equal responsibility to look after his children. Whilst OP isn’t working it’s likely that he won’t be called upon to do that however he is prioritising himself and his job above everything.

It wouldn’t detract from his job to have a good and productive discussion with OP about her options and how they could make it work.

It wouldn’t detract from his job to be supportive and caring to a wife who is clearly unhappy.

He’s a selfish man who needs to understand how serious this is. If he doesn’t shape up then he’s likely to be divorced and will need to step up then! (Or pay not to)

Hi just on your point re not having earned enough for the state pension - if you're claiming child benefit ( even if you have to repay it, because your husband earns too much), then you will be receiving a credit for the state pension.

On the other issue I would go back to your career - could you afford a nanny? Even if the nanny's salary wiped out your earnings initially, at least you would be back on the ladder and following your ambitions.

I was thinking divorce before you even said it. He’s a nasty twat, and now that he has shown you who he is you should have no compunction about leaving him.

You need a good lawyer who will make the point that you actively sought work but were prevented from making the most of any opportunities because you were so unsupported by your husband and his insistence that you prop up his career. You have to be sure you get a fair settlement that includes a share of the house, current assets, a sum for lost earning potential, pension etc.

I would be cautious about 50/50 custody - I think it’s quite unlikely he would actually do this. Regardless of what a court order says he can’t be forced to look after his child, and he will most likely continue to dump all of the childcare on you. You might be better accepting a greater share of the custody and getting reasonable child maintenance instead.

You can afford an au pair to get back to work!. You are fixated on HIM being the one to do the childcare . He has been promoted and is under a lot of pressure at wirk...why cant you accept that?.

@MajesticallyAwkward

they had a child. Both of them. He has failed to change or accept responsibility. Take your internalised misogyny elsewhere

Read what I said - I said LIVES . Children change LIVES . You take your narrow mind elsewhere . You see one thing and you are blinded by all that claptrap .

Hi OP thankfully your children have one decent parent.
He’s a shit now or maybe he was always a shit.
Focus on you - he’s told you - no negotiations no conversations his views.
I’d see a good solicitor re your current situation.
You maybe entitled to spousal maintenance depending on earnings.
Be careful as he seems to be working with a bunch of tossers who may steer him into screwing you over and making life very very difficult indeed.
He may get a wake up call - he may not.
From what I’ve read a nanny - live in is cheap - could you consider this and retrain then leave him. He’s not a partner is he.
You will have been paying NI contributions as your a stay at home mum.
I hope you have real family/friends support.

There's so many things he could be doing to help e.g. agree he'll do all childcare at weekends so she can work then
I actually proposed this. He said no, he needs time off at weekends and we don’t need the extra money. I said I want to earn some money of my own. He said ok then he’ll hire me as a nanny and cleaner at the same salary my employer would pay.

He's a massive twat for not supporting you or showing commitment to family life. The beginning of the end.

Honestly you won't be any worse off by leaving him and in all likelihood you'll be a lot more contented because the main irritation is out of the way.

Leave him, focus on just you and your child, and your life will improve immeasurably.

@VaguelyInteresting

Just to say -

That after they start school, if they’ve been at nursery, the illnesses tail off dramatically - except this year of course when they’re all ill all of the time.

I would leave him if I were you- but I would spend the next year whilst covid etc settles getting your ducks in a row. By that time your DS will be at school, covid should be endemic and managed, and you might find it easier on yourself. Leaving him now would be, I think, hugely difficult practically.

Can you spend the next year whilst your DS is at nursery (and you have your DH’s salary covering your costs) refreshing your training/ volunteering/ doing short term or part time contracts in your original field? So that by the time you’re ready to leave, you’ll be ready to re-enter your career in the strongest possible position?

I’m a LP with a “career” type job, and would do that in your position.

Good advice.

[quote DameMaureen]@MajesticallyAwkward

they had a child. Both of them. He has failed to change or accept responsibility. Take your internalised misogyny elsewhere

Read what I said - I said LIVES . Children change LIVES . You take your narrow mind elsewhere . You see one thing and you are blinded by all that claptrap .[/quote]
But you're putting it all on OP. Calling her pathetic and claiming the mighty man takes priority. Maybe you should read it back?

@Maiasaur

That is appalling, employers have to be held accountable for the sexist discrimination DH’s employers have no grasp on reality. DH tried to book time off after my surgery because I’d be incapacitated, and they said “why can’t you hire a nurse?” As if normal people are able to afford to hire a nurse for someone who’s sick! I’m sure they don’t understand why we can’t just hire a nanny too.

Terrible isn't it. I had similar when DH had his accident that left him disabled, at that stage I had 3 children and was pregnant. When the police contacted me my boss wouldn't even let me leave work early. I was lucky really in that other colleagues saw what was happening, one got my coat and led me to his car and delivered me to the hospital, other staff confronted boss in his office and told him what they thought.

Some bosses seem more like machines than human beings.

He'll hire you as a nanny and cleaner at employer rates?!?! Your marriage is dead and buried.

And it's really crap how women have been so disproportionately affected by the pandemic, it's taken equality back a couple of decades.

@Maiasaur

There's so many things he could be doing to help e.g. agree he'll do all childcare at weekends so she can work then I actually proposed this. He said no, he needs time off at weekends and we don’t need the extra money. I said I want to earn some money of my own. He said ok then he’ll hire me as a nanny and cleaner at the same salary my employer would pay.

Well tell him to hire someone else as a nanny. That's ridiculous.

@Maiasaur

What is the salary difference here, OP? He earns £70k. Before I got pregnant I earned £22k and he earned £28k. He has been promoted massively, especially during the pandemic when a couple of senior staff died and others retired or had to shield. He was one of the only staff not on furlough and was pretty much running his side of the business. It’s not just that I’ve lost four years of work experience - he’s had massive opportunities and I can’t possibly catch up.

So that is a pretty huge salary, and one which presumably comes with a lot of pressure from above

But it must be benefitting you as well in the day to day?
And also means you could afford a nanny as childcare so you’ve got a reliable option for you to return to work

I think when someone is promoted quickly, which is sounds like he has been, the pressure and expectations are harder to deal with than if you are promoted gradually

But there is a huge mismatch here
You expect his full support in finding a new job/career and are very angry that he isn’t giving it

But at the same time, you are giving him no support for his work situation. And you’re angry about that as well.

You can’t on the one hand say it’s his duty to jointly research your new job but then also have a total ‘fuck you’ attitude to him wanting to suck up to his bosses because he doesn’t know how else to keep his job
He has seen you get sacked twice. Of course he is going to be scared for his own job security!

So you can carry on being angry and saying your life has been ‘destroyed’
Which is ridiculously melodramatic

Or you can both look for a way forward

Work coaching sounds like a very good idea for both of you. He needs to get a handle on work life balance, you need some direction on where you go next

And you both need some help to communicate better. You’re both angry and taking it out on each other in different, but massively destructive, ways
Some couples counselling could really help that, and also hopefully help you both work out where this has come from, it sounds like he is a big people pleaser, and counsellors love delving into the root of that..!

Good luck

@Maiasaur your last update says it all! Know your place; get in the kitchen, do the washing and all the childcare etc. Have the promotions gone to his head or has he always been so selfish and arrogant? I very rarely say this but LTB. He’s out of order and what kind of message is he sending your child?

I associate these kinds of "you can't have holiday, just hire a nurse!" environments with earning serious money, is that the case that he's now on a very high wage?

If so, the trade-off here might actually be to look at hiring a nanny with all that income since getting it is the reason he can't just help out himself like he should be. If that means he has to trade down his fancy car, or have less expensive meals out, or give up his dream house for a smaller one then thats the choice HE'S forced, isn't it? At the moment he's getting all these lovely services with you essentially acting as his job-provided concierge and housekeeper.

I'm sorry OP, but your husband sounds like a selfish prick.

The child is as much his responsibility as yours, he needs to step up and take some accountability. This is what annual leave or unpaid leave are for. His employers aren't going to fire him for taking annual leave to care for a sick child, it won't be the first time they have seen it happen nor the last.

My husband is the high earner by a long stretch, but childcare when our daughter is ill is shared. We basically discuss who would be caused the least disruption on that particular day and make a decision who will take the time off (for example if i have a day of meeting and he only has 1, he takes the day off).

All of this 'he is working hard to support the family' i'm sorry it's rubbish, what does he think you are doing?

I think I'd just be asking myself what I'm getting from this relationship, and what kind of example it sets to your child. Appreciate from a financial perspective it's not so straight forward, but perhaps think about getting your ducks in a row. Could you get a part time 'stop gap' job for now, and possibly look to bridge the gap through UC and maintenance?

Wishing you all the best