Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

7 year old doesn't want grandparents at her birthday

130 replies

gordonramseyspuffa · 27/10/2021 08:05

I showed my 6 year old the list of people coming to her birthday party as well as her school friends, which includes her Grandparents (my parents.) She started getting agitated and asked if they "could be put in a different room?" Historically my parents have been very involved with my DC, very loving, very hands on, and love them to death and vice versa.

I asked her why she did not want them there and she said "they're just embarrassing and old." I feel quite hurt by this and not sure whether I should be insisting to her that she be proud of her family who love her and want to celebrate her birthday -or it's just a phase they all go through? I remember being a bit embarrassed of my grandparents but that was more when I was an early teen and wanting to appear cool, but certainly not as young as 7?

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 27/10/2021 11:31

My parents have often come to kids' parties, usually to help! They even came to my twins paintball party the other day for their 13th birthday (my parents didn't play!). There was no embarrassment. Do your parents baby her a lot?

Dillydollydingdong · 27/10/2021 11:31

Surely the other children will have dgp as well? Although, as a grandmother myself, I can think of nothing I want to do LESS than spend an afternoon with a bunch of 7 year olds.

00100001 · 27/10/2021 11:31

@Figgygal

What sort of party is it? My in laws have been at every party my 9 year old has had whether it was a disco, sports or soft play he wouldn’t have wanted it either way What sort of child doesn’t want their grandparents to share in their birthday? Bet she will happily take their presents I think that’s a disgusting attitude and would have told her so straight away

What kind of party is it?

yes child, your feelings surrounding this are disgusting, no explanation needed. just disgusting. They are dismissed as such, Next time, don't bother telling me how you feel if it's a negative emotion, just keep that shit inside and don't tell me. make sure you act grateful next time something happens that you don't like. That is definitely the best approach for negative emotions...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6 year olds 7 year olds Behaviour & development Families
LittleBearPad · 27/10/2021 11:37

I don’t know why you would invite gps to a 7 years olds birthday party with her friends?

We have a separate family party. It’s a totally different type of party

Yes she could have expressed her thoughts a little more kindly but it’s her party.

00100001 · 27/10/2021 11:38

all these people going nip it in the bud/she should be grateful/she's a brat etc.

You would never dismiss a positive emotion - so if your 5yo came back form somewhere saying "I love so and so" - you'd be "wow, that's great! why do you say that?" and let them explain.
But, when a 5yo comes home and says "they hate so and so" - we all to easily go "oh, come on now, you don't hate so and so" and then (basically) go on to tell them they're wrong for feeling that way... where as you could just say something like " oh wow, you sound angry, what happened?"

Why do you think people (women in particular) end up as adults with such fucking issues... like unable to say that X makes then uncomfortable, accepting abusive relationships so as not to cause a fuss, exploding in anger resulting in physical violence towards other, destructive behaviours...

GreenWheat · 27/10/2021 11:43

I stopped having family at parties once my children started school and the parties were for classmates. Have a separate gathering if it's still important for family outside of your immediate household to celebrate their birthday at this age.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 27/10/2021 11:44

Sorry, try again....

Simpsons

AuntieMarys · 27/10/2021 11:47

Why would you even want to go to a children's party as an adult???

ThePlantsitter · 27/10/2021 11:49

I don't think feeling someone is 'old and embarrassing' is an emotion one ought to act on, unfortunately. By all means explore the feeling but excluding your GP who love you from something for this reason is not on. I get the whole separate parties, clingy GP etc arguments but ultimately if my 6 year old was saying this I'd want to know exactly what it meant. If it means she's different people with friends and family I get it (though am a bit Hmm about this in a 6 yr old). If it's because there's some hideous narrative about being cool going round at school I'd be having a conversation about what makes you cool vs what really matters in life.

fanjosaysi · 27/10/2021 11:51

Neither would I. I'm sorry your dd is acting spoiled and be to honest, she is unkind. Just have a frank conservation that they are coming end of.

Normal for a child of that age to think like that. Just surprised she put it bluntly. I wouldn't have a desperate party. Just a family gathering + party for her friends.

daisypond · 27/10/2021 11:57

I think it’s pretty normal. It’s probably that most parties she’s attended didn’t have grandparents there. It’s not normal in my world for grandparents to be there for birthdays. My DC grandparents never were. They lived 250 miles away.

bogeythefungusman · 27/10/2021 11:58

Perhaps those saying a seven year old should not be allowed to dictate that obviously close and loving grandparents are not allowed to attend her birthday party because they are 'embarrassing' recognise that sometimes in life we have to put up with things we don't want to.

Not abusive, violent, destructive things, no blanket 'be kind' but small things which although perhaps make us feel a bit uncomfortable, is the right thing to do. It happens pretty much every single day to all of us. It's part of being human and living in society.

Absolutely fine to have a conversation about her feelings, not fine to allow her to dictate that her grandparents do not come to her birthday celebrations.

00100001 · 27/10/2021 12:06

@bogeythefungusman

Perhaps those saying a seven year old should not be allowed to dictate that obviously close and loving grandparents are not allowed to attend her birthday party because they are 'embarrassing' recognise that sometimes in life we have to put up with things we don't want to.

Not abusive, violent, destructive things, no blanket 'be kind' but small things which although perhaps make us feel a bit uncomfortable, is the right thing to do. It happens pretty much every single day to all of us. It's part of being human and living in society.

Absolutely fine to have a conversation about her feelings, not fine to allow her to dictate that her grandparents do not come to her birthday celebrations.

The key is having the conversation. Find out what's going on, don't dismiss the feelings. It may well be something else is going on and ultimately she's happy for GPs to attend, because she didn't realise that (for example) GPs will only be there to help out and that they'll have a special birthday tea together or whatever.

Maybe she's struggling at school socially and it has presented itself as this, because maybe she's fallen out with a fried who is invited or is the one telling her GPs are old and embrassing etc. And she wants to fit in.

By just dismissing the emotions, as some people are suggesting, you are telling her that what she thinks and feels isn't important.

It's not the same as 6yo ruling the roost and being a spoiled brat.

Clymene · 27/10/2021 12:09

I e always separated friends parties from family ones. So we will have a birthday tea on the actual day after school usually and then a party with friends at the weekend. I think that's quite normal and it's not rude or weird not to want your grandparents around

DameAlyson · 27/10/2021 12:11

It's the 'old' I would come down on strongly. Ageism should be just as unacceptable as any other -ism. Except that on MN casual ageism so often slips by unchallenged. Even here most people are focussing on 'embarassing'.

How old are a 7yo's gp's, anyway? They're likely to be still under retirement age.

00100001 · 27/10/2021 12:14

@DameAlyson

It's the 'old' I would come down on strongly. Ageism should be just as unacceptable as any other -ism. Except that on MN casual ageism so often slips by unchallenged. Even here most people are focussing on 'embarassing'.

How old are a 7yo's gp's, anyway? They're likely to be still under retirement age.

But to a 6yo anyone over probably 35 is "old" they could be 39 or 89 would make little difference to their perception of someone being old.
DottyHarmer · 27/10/2021 12:18

I agree that it’s one thing for the girl to be uncomfortable about the gp attending if that’s not the norm at the parties she’s been to.

But this seems an opportunity to stress that that is an unkind thing to say about their being old and embarrassing. Some posters have
Seized upon being kind equals being a sap, and girls conditioned to accept things yada yada. Not at all. Every single child should be taught that decency is a good trait. Of course they can have opinions and choices within reason, but cruel remarks about people who love you should Be Discussed.

Bunnycat101 · 27/10/2021 12:24

I’m somewhere in the middle. I think you can talk about language and how the wording made you a bit sad and why not best phrasing but I would consider if the set-up for the party is quite right and whether you can do something more tailored for grandparents later on or a different day. We split this year and it worked much better tbh.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 27/10/2021 12:26

@DottyHarmer I think there is a delicate balance to be struck here.

Unkind or blunt remarks in front of the person in question should always be dealt with, I agree.

However, for a very young child, the priority should be ensuring they feel safe to speak up when they feel uncomfortable about something. People need to realise that a 6yo doesn't have the vocabulary to explain why they're really unhappy about something. Nobody should be shaming their child for being honest about their feelings.

Ironically, some of the language on here directed towards a 6yo is far worse than what she said originally!

Staryflight445 · 27/10/2021 12:46

Is there a chance your parents have made her feel uncomfortable at all?

muddyford · 27/10/2021 13:00

When I was little, family and friends came to separate celebrations. Grandparents on the Sunday afternoon, friends on a weekday after school. But I would be concerned about where your child has heard comments like that about grandparents.

Lunde · 27/10/2021 13:00

I'm thinking back my almost 60 years and I'm pretty sure that it was very unusual to have joint school friends/grandparent parties where the grandparents were "in the party room" joining in. Perhaps the norm for preschoolers but not for school age. There were grandparents there but other than a cheery hello they were usually helping in the kitchen. We would usually socialize after the party or would have tea and cake on a different day.

I did once see it at a friend's 18th BBQ and it was very embarrassing as the GPs had no boundaries or tact and started bringing out childhood craft projects that they had saved for the (bemused) friends and work colleagues to admire (and praise)

Gardenlass · 27/10/2021 13:05

As grandparents, we always went to our granddaughter's parties, but only to help with the catering. We don't particularly enjoy being with a roomful of yelling children. Are you sure the grandparents really want to go?
If you need them there to help, then it's your decision whether they come or not.

backtoschool1234 · 27/10/2021 13:17

I would probably go for two separate occasions, not for your DD but for your parents. Spending that much time with a load of other people's 7 year olds would be my idea of hell and it would be bad enough I had to do it without inflicting it on my parents.

However, I would be pointing out how rude her reason is, particularly when your parents think a lot of her and treat her nicely. I know kids (usually teens) have their moods as we all do but both of mine know that it is no reason to be either rude or ignorant and would be pulled up on either behaviour at any age.