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Original poster

7 year old doesn't want grandparents at her birthday

130 replies

gordonramseyspuffa · 27/10/2021 08:05

I showed my 6 year old the list of people coming to her birthday party as well as her school friends, which includes her Grandparents (my parents.) She started getting agitated and asked if they "could be put in a different room?" Historically my parents have been very involved with my DC, very loving, very hands on, and love them to death and vice versa.

I asked her why she did not want them there and she said "they're just embarrassing and old." I feel quite hurt by this and not sure whether I should be insisting to her that she be proud of her family who love her and want to celebrate her birthday -or it's just a phase they all go through? I remember being a bit embarrassed of my grandparents but that was more when I was an early teen and wanting to appear cool, but certainly not as young as 7?

OP posts:
Cuck00soup · 27/10/2021 09:14

I’d say it depends what “involved” means.

My lovely MIL was very involved and helpful with ours and was present at most of the parties we had at home when the DC were younger. She mostly helped in the kitchen though, then joined in with present opening and cake eating afterwards. Frankly she helped us survive and I was incredibly grateful for her calm assistance. DC also loved having her there once their friends had gone.

I’m not sure if it would have been quite so good if she had wanted to play a leading role in pass the parcel though.

MyAnacondaMight · 27/10/2021 09:15

Grandparents at a 7 year old’s birthday party is a bit like bringing your 7 year old to a friend’s dinner party. Everyone may like the 7 year old, but invariably they’ll change the mood and demand attention etc.

If you can’t rescind the invitation, I’d brief grandparents that they need to leave 7yo to play with her friends. And explain to 7yo that she needs to be gracious about it, but that future birthdays can be friends only.

Siepie · 27/10/2021 09:15

@tiggerwhocamefortea

I'd be nipping this one in the bud sharpish OP - you explain they go or no party 🤷🏻‍♀️
It’s her birthday! Why on earth shouldn’t she be the one to choose who is there?

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Strugglingtodomybest · 27/10/2021 09:17

Having grandparents at birthday parties at that age wasn't normal in our primary school/circle.
Like others, we held a separate party for friends and then had a family birthday tea on the actual birthday (and still do, the last one was a 17th).

Although saying that her grandparents are embarassing isn't a nice thing to say, wouldn't you rather she feels she can be honest with you than lies to you? I would have a chat with her about it and show her that you are truly hearing what she says, and then maybe say that they have already been invited, and explain how rude it would be to uninvite them, so if she can suck it up this year you will do separate parties next year, and if she promises to be super nice to them, you'll promise to do your best to steer them into a different room - without being obvious about it. Stress that not hurting their feelings is very important.

sadie9 · 27/10/2021 09:20

I guess not many grandparents go to the party with the school friends.

DottyHarmer · 27/10/2021 09:20

I agree that parties at 7 are for friends. Any GP I’ve seen at parties are to do the catering or keep younger siblings entertained. If the GP are older and not helping out, then it’s better they have a separate do where they can sit in peace and see more of their gc.

HOWEVER, I do not like the “old and embarrassing” phrase. OP’s dd should be crisply reminded that although OP understands dd wants a friends-only party, that is a very unkind way to speak about people who love you.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/10/2021 09:22

I would not invite grandparents to DS's parties (he's 8). Parties are for him to have fun with his friends, not pandering to family. We have family over for coffee and birthday cake on his actual birthday then a separate party for friends.

asteroommatus · 27/10/2021 09:23

I would have just said 'ah we all feel like that sometimes they are still coming.'

Janaih · 27/10/2021 09:25

Bit rude of her to call them old and embarrassing but as she's only 7 she can't articulate what she feels in a tactful way.
We all act differently with different groups of people; friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances.
This is why weddings etc cause so much anxiety, because it brings all your different people together.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 27/10/2021 09:26

Blimey.
I would gently say to her that grandparents are coming to help out.
Assuming they are unlikely to actually be embarrassing by going down a slide or come dressed as a clown.

00100001 · 27/10/2021 09:28

@tiggerwhocamefortea

I'd be nipping this one in the bud sharpish OP - you explain they go or no party 🤷🏻‍♀️
Why?

If your partner told you you HAD to have your Nana at your 30th, a loud cocktail party at the local bar with your friends...despite their presence altering the dynamics and then not really needing to see you in that context...
Would you be happy with being told "Nana comes, or no party"

Cuck00soup · 27/10/2021 09:28

Just a thought. Is it more usual - due to Covid - for Grandparents not to attend parties at the moment? It may not be what friends have done so might not fit into her “model” for a party.

Kitkat151 · 27/10/2021 09:29

My eldest grandaughter is 6 .... I am 56....she tells me I am old regularly....think that’s normal .... but the ‘embarrassing’ thing at 7? .... where’s that come from?

00100001 · 27/10/2021 09:30

I would make it a friends party. And have GPs over earlier on the day of the party. Or on actual birthday of a different day.

00100001 · 27/10/2021 09:30

@Cuck00soup

Just a thought. Is it more usual - due to Covid - for Grandparents not to attend parties at the moment? It may not be what friends have done so might not fit into her “model” for a party.
I think it's just not usual for GPs to attend a birthday party with school friends.
diddl · 27/10/2021 09:31

Is her party on her birthday?

If not, could they see her on her bday?

Do you need their help?

If so do they just help or join in?

00100001 · 27/10/2021 09:31

@Kitkat151

My eldest grandaughter is 6 .... I am 56....she tells me I am old regularly....think that’s normal .... but the ‘embarrassing’ thing at 7? .... where’s that come from?
It's come from school.
BananaPB · 27/10/2021 09:32

Is embarrassing code for something else ?
Dora involved mean mean overbearing ?

Will they expect her to spend time with them on the day or will they be happy for her to spend the time with her friends only ? I've only seen grandparents when the parents need extra cars for lifts etc

WholeClassKeptIn · 27/10/2021 09:34

I get embarrassed when I dontquite know how to behave in a situation or have social anxiety. "Do I go over amd play with my friends or do I talk to Granny". "Is it okay to be silly and run around with friends when granny's here" etc.
I'd guess the "embarrassed" is more to do with a difficult social situation/meeting of 2 worlds.

TravelLost · 27/10/2021 09:43

I’d tackle the ‘embarrassing moment’ head in tbh. Whether dc is 6 or 16yo there’s no need for that.

Having two parties? Well it depends whether grand parents would want to be ‘involved’ in the party (eg with the games) or of they are happy to sit on the sidelines and watch her.

saraclara · 27/10/2021 09:44

@DottyHarmer

I agree that parties at 7 are for friends. Any GP I’ve seen at parties are to do the catering or keep younger siblings entertained. If the GP are older and not helping out, then it’s better they have a separate do where they can sit in peace and see more of their gc.

HOWEVER, I do not like the “old and embarrassing” phrase. OP’s dd should be crisply reminded that although OP understands dd wants a friends-only party, that is a very unkind way to speak about people who love you.

I agree. The only wanting friends is reasonable, the words aren't.

She needs to understand that it's like her GPs saying that she's young and silly. And how hurtful that would be.

So yes, I'd aim for two occasions, but make it very clear that speaking that way about the people who love her most (after you and her dad) is unkind.

TravelLost · 27/10/2021 09:47

@00100001, a 30yo birthday party is a very different affair as you well know.
To start with a 30yo can organise their own party!

But more to the point, a 30yo saying they don’t want their gran to be there but they are embarrassed and they are old would be just as disrespectful than the 6yo comment.
Saying that you would prefer to have a friends only party, that gran couldn’t really take part (even though probably not the case with the 6yo) etc.. is ok. Saying you are embarrassed and ashamed to be seen with them isn’t.

TravelLost · 27/10/2021 09:49

If the GP are older and not helping out, then it’s better they have a separate do where they can sit in peace and see more of their gc.

If you asked my parents, they would say that they just loved watching their dgc having fun whilst just staying in the sidelines.
It’s not because the GP isn’t making themselves useful that they ought not to be there.

00100001 · 27/10/2021 09:51

It isn't different though.
The birthday person doesn't want their Nana there for the same reasons. It's changes dynamics. It is making birthday person uncomfortable.

Neither the child nor the adult should be told 'Nana comes or no party"

The embarrassing comment should be dealt with separately.

MilkywayMonarch22 · 27/10/2021 09:57

I would be telling her about her unkind language and provided there aren't wider issues with the grandparents that need exploring, then I'd be having my parents come along still.

If she's happy to take gifts from them then she needs to allow them to her party. Whilst kids should have some input in their lives, I don't believe that comes at the expense of being respectful to the people who love and care for them.

Obviously this is solved if you can be arsed to host 2 events but personally I wouldn't

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