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Original poster

7 year old doesn't want grandparents at her birthday

130 replies

gordonramseyspuffa · 27/10/2021 08:05

I showed my 6 year old the list of people coming to her birthday party as well as her school friends, which includes her Grandparents (my parents.) She started getting agitated and asked if they "could be put in a different room?" Historically my parents have been very involved with my DC, very loving, very hands on, and love them to death and vice versa.

I asked her why she did not want them there and she said "they're just embarrassing and old." I feel quite hurt by this and not sure whether I should be insisting to her that she be proud of her family who love her and want to celebrate her birthday -or it's just a phase they all go through? I remember being a bit embarrassed of my grandparents but that was more when I was an early teen and wanting to appear cool, but certainly not as young as 7?

OP posts:

ADreadedSunnyDay · 27/10/2021 08:36

Party for friends before birthday, on actual date family time with grandparents and cake.

BogRollBOGOF · 27/10/2021 08:36

Parties are about playing with friends. Can grandparents come earlier/ later and they'll have a better quality of time together anyway.

Bimblybomeyelash · 27/10/2021 08:37

We always have family parties and separate friend parties. The grandparents wouldn’t get a look in at the friend parties, and although I’m sure they like to watch their grandchildren having fun, they’d probably get a bit bored. None of his friends have had grandparents at their birthday parties since reception. (I assume all his friends have separate family parties).

I think my eldest (8) would feel conflicted about having his grandparents at his friend birthday party. He’d want to be with his mates, and would feel guilty about leaving his grandparents out.

Also at the family birthday parties lots of attention is on him, lots of cuddles and kisses and presents of course! I think he’d find that overwhelming and awkward with all his mates there. At kids birthday parties it’s usually just lots of playing, with a small amount of singled out attention when the cake comes out!

So I understand your child feeling funny about this! What she said was unkind, but sometimes it is hard for a 7 year old to articulate their own feelings about a situation.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6 year olds 7 year olds Behaviour & development Families

Ducksurprise · 27/10/2021 08:37

@tiggerwhocamefortea

I'd be nipping this one in the bud sharpish OP - you explain they go or no party 🤷🏻‍♀️

But why? It is meant to be for her, why hold to ransom her party? Personally I think that is very unfair, no wonder children stop talking to their parents if the parents won't listen.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 27/10/2021 08:37

I think that’s really awful and I would give my seven year old a massive bollocking followed by a conversation about how grandparents might feel.

However, there might be more to it? Are grandparents overbearing? Is she able to be herself with her friends? If there’s an issue, it might be best managed by having a separate outing with the grandparents. A family outing and a school friends party. Tbh the party with school friends is absolutely zero fun for adults and might be nicer anyway!

ThePlantsitter · 27/10/2021 08:39

I'd want to get you the bottom of this. Why is she so anxious about it? It's there a particular friend she needs to impress?

Honestly at 7 I do think having grandparents around is normal and are often seen at parties helping with the catering etc. Unless they are particularly fussy or something? I think she ought to suck it up personally but would want to find out why she's feeling like that.

DownWhichOfLate · 27/10/2021 08:40

Calm down. She probably just wants to spend time with her friends rather than being fussed over by her grandparents. No big deal.

DancyNancy · 27/10/2021 08:45

You can't insist she feels proud....but you can insist they are welcome.
I would try to pull back from taking it personally although I know too well that's not easy.
But rejecting how she feels doesn't stop her from feeling it.
Have a chat.
'I hear you saying you feel embarrassed about granny and grandad. Is there something that happened to make you feel this way?........I hear what you're saying. Its OK that you feel this way. Granny and grandad love you very much and they will be coming to your party as my guests. I expect you to treat them nicely. But it's OK that you feel this way'

LublinToDublin · 27/10/2021 08:46

I adore my family. I have also chosen to always separate friends and family celebrations.
For example I had big party for my 40th with friends and fabulous trip to London with my parents, siblings and dc.
Why would I not offer the same options for my dc?
I know other people do things differently. It personal choice not something to be punished.

cptartapp · 27/10/2021 08:46

PIL were 'very involved' with my nephews. In reality this meant lots of free childcare for SIL, with PIL playing at being parents again doing the school run, going shopping for school shoes and even to immunisation appointments etc.
As they grew up PIL continued to push themselves into every aspect of their lives. Expecting to be involved in every sports day, school play, social event. There became no novelty for my nephews in seeing them, too much overinvolvement and PIL not knowing when to back off. They still wanted to feel needed. To fill their time.
Now teens, I'm afraid the special grandparental relationship has long gone, just frustration and embarrassing memories of having GM and GD encroach on every event like an extra set of parents.
Six seems young to be starting this, but it depends on how 'very involved' your parents have been.

DancyNancy · 27/10/2021 08:47

This way you acknowledge how she feels, and that it's OK, because we can't choose our feelings, but we can choose our behaviour

Thebookswereherfriends · 27/10/2021 08:50

We’ve always done two separate things - kid party and then grandparents over for cake. It’s nicer for everyone as the grandparents haven’t got to sit and pretend to be enjoying shrieking kids and the kid gets proper attention from the grandparents when it’s just them.

Cantstopthewaves · 27/10/2021 08:51

The Grandparents obviously don't fit into the image she's trying to project.
She's happy to see them and take their gifts so long as it's undercover.
Very sad that two loving Grandparents who think the world of her aren't good enough in some way and will be pushed aside for some kids she likely won't be friends with beyond primary (or the end of the week judging by friendships at that age).
I'd be having a chat with her.

Viviennemary · 27/10/2021 08:54

I think she has got a point. Grandparents aren't ususlly there with school friends. They could come later when the party has finished of thd dsy before or after.

WholeClassKeptIn · 27/10/2021 08:54

Cantstop. Really ? That's axleap. Have you read any of the other replies on this thread?

Nothing to suggest it's an "image" thing.

I would go out with school mums to celebrate my birthday and not include my parents. I'd see them for a different celebration! It's often the same for kids.

HeartsAndClubs · 27/10/2021 08:56

I wouldn’t tolerate this.

While there may be some element of truth to wanting a kids party and a family party, talking about how embarrassing someone is behind their back and then pandering to it is a slippery slope.

So today it’s her grandparents, tomorrow it’ll be a friend, then she’ll be telling friends that she doesn’t want them to play with x or y because they’re too embarrassing, and before you know it she’s the class bully who is instrumental in excluding other children.

That’s an extreme example, but she needs to learn that while sometimes you might want things one way, you absolutely do not have the right to insist that by being unpleasant about it.

I would be telling her that her grandparents will be coming, end of. And if she kicked off about that there would be no party.

Grandparents at kids’ parties is fairly normal at that age. But it’s little wonder that there are so many children who grow up entitled when their parents are pandering to this kind of spiteful behaviour at such a young age.

If she found the child with no friends embarrassing would you allow her to not invite them?

Where does this pandering stop?

EdgeOfTheSky · 27/10/2021 08:58

Grandparents are not usually at a kids school friends party as guests.

Helping with the refreshments, running games maybe.
But you showed her a list of people ‘invited’. She is imagining them being invited along with her friends to do party activities alongside her friends.

DownWhichOfLate · 27/10/2021 09:00

It’s not pandering. She is saying she doesn’t want them at her party when her friends are there. Maybe she is misusing the word “embarrassed”. Listen to the small things when they are small…

thebabessavedme · 27/10/2021 09:01

hmm, I am coming from a different angle, We have a very adored grandson, we 'helped' at his 6th birthday party this year, to cope with it we had wine! next year I am only going if he begs me to go, it was like the seventh circle of hell, I love that child more than anything but I bloody hate childrens parties OP are you sure your parents are not dreading the invitation?

as to madam not wanting them there I do feel she is a bit young to be calling the shots, she can do that at her 18th!

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 27/10/2021 09:02

My parents often came to DC parties when they were younger basically to help me out as I find hosting kids parties really hard work (doesn't everyone?). I didn't offer a choice on that and it was clear they were mostly there to help me. DC did not ever question it.

I obviously did not invite them to things post primary but I am sure I still did when DS was 7 and no-one found it unusual or objected and I would have been cross and upset with DC if they did. Lots of other families also had grandparents help out with big parties when DC are young.

I think this is a pretty weird and rude thing for DD to say at 7 and I would call her out on it and not allow her to dictate. I would at least let her know that what she has said is rude and has upset me. Family is very important to me. My mum has passed away now and memories of her coming to my kids parties are lovely ones for us all.

Viviennemary · 27/10/2021 09:03

At 7 its very much what other folk do. Grandparents might come to toddlers parties but not to schoolchildrens. It just isn't done.

Blackmagicqueen · 27/10/2021 09:06

It sounds like your daughter loves her grandparents but wants to see her friends without grownups around (she is checking will the grownups be in a separate area.) I agree with other posters that relatives shoulf gather at the end for cake unless they will stay with you and let your dd have fun with her friends (without being involved too much.)

CakesOfVersailles · 27/10/2021 09:07

Is it normal to have grandparents at a school aged kids party? I haven't seen it and don't remember it as a child. Party for children and birthday dinner for family.

Are they going to be there as helpers or guests? If they are helping run the event and won't expect attention from her, that's one thing. But if they expect her attention and to be entertained as guests, that's another.

I'm surprised at people calling her behaviour spiteful and manipulative!

AlexandraEiffel · 27/10/2021 09:08

She may not have expressed it very well, understandable when you're 7. But I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting your grandparents at your party with your friends. If I was having a get together with my friends I wouldn't want my parents there either. I'm surprised so many would to be honest.

diddl · 27/10/2021 09:11

She'd like to celebrate her birthday with whom she chooses.

Why can't you let her?

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