I said it would happen, it happened, now what?

[Blahblahnobodylistens]

I wasn't really sure where to put this as it could cover a few areas but I'm need to ask for advice regarding 10 year old and school. This is quite lengthy as there is a bit of history which is important.

But of backstory...ds goes to a small school, each class is 2 years in one with approx 28 students per class. He is in year 5 and has had many issues with another student who is now in year 6. Last year was not an issue because they were in separate classes and all the restrictions meant they rarely crossed paths however, the year before was absolutely horrendous with tears most days due to behaviour from the other child. This behaviour included making up stories that ds had hit them and hurt them. ds was taken into the HM office on more than one occasion due to this but ds always maintained his innocence and became very upset each time. This came to an abrupt end when this child threw themselves on the floor screaming as they lined up in the playground at the start of the day, stating ds had punched her in the face. Thankfully several parents and another teacher saw what had happened and as ds was being marched to the HM office they came to his rescue and told them it was fabricated. They would also goad ds, whispering awful things to him about how he was ugly, fat (definitely not as he competes in a sport that he is regional champ in), everyone hates him etc etc and following him despite ds begging them to leave him alone and trying to walk away. That year I lost countless hours talking to his teachers, begging them to monitor the situation before he loses his shit and reacts in the way I guess she's hoping he will so he gets into serious trouble. Just to add, all of these things were always done away from the teachers, out of earshot and slyly. When this school year started, I requested a meeting with his new teacher so she was aware of the history, only because ds had huge anxiety about being back in a class with this child. She never replied, has ignored me via several channels of communication 😒

2 weeks ago this child started all old behaviours again and followed ds around the playground venting awful stuff. Ds did exactly what we have been instilling in him to do, ask her to leave him alone and go tell a teacher what is happening. He did this...and was told to stop telling tales. The 2 children ended up having a big row in the playground because they just would not leave him alone, they had a scuffle and ds got into trouble. I was so pissed off that ds had done everything we had been reinforcing him was the right thing to do yet was the one to get into trouble because he was effectively failed. I went in the next morning and had a very long chat with the TA (as the teacher wasn't available) and made it very clear that his treatment was actually very unfair when he was the one that was being goaded and was basically told to fuck off when he tried to put an end to it.

Anyway, onto yesterday...I get hauled into the classroom at the end of the day. Ds has kicked another student very hard. I was absolutely mortified and upset, I have never ever known ds to hurt anyone, but wanted to know if it was the student he's had all of the issues with..turns out it was. I asked how it had come to him losing his shit that badly and was told she wasn't sure. So I asked ds to explain and, sure enough, it was the usual story. The teacher had left the room, student makes a beeline for ds and starts mocking him because he was asking another student if she was OK as she looked upset (that's a whole other story) and apparently boys can't talk to girls as it makes them pathetic. Ds asked her to leave him alone and walked away at which point the student follows him around the class mocking him. He says that he begged the student to leave him alone and kept walking around the room to get away but they carried on and he lost his shit and kicked them.

Now I don't condone what my ds has done, far from it, but I'm pretty pissed off that it has gone this far when I have repeatedly spoken to the school warning them that there is only so much ds will take before he loses his temper unless they act on our conversations and stop the other students behaviour. And now they have labelled ds as a child who requires anger management! I actually think he's managed his anger pretty bloody well over the past 3 years despite the relentless lies and sly mocking.

So my question is, how do I move forward with this? I warned the teachers, even as recently as 2 weeks ago, that he is being pushed beyond my limits of anger coaching. I warned them that there is only so much he can take and that teachers have so far been unhelpful when he has asked for help and told them what is happening. He's done everything right so far but now he's undone all of that by kicking this student. How do I deal with this without making it look like I'm one of those parents that doesn't believe her PFB can do any wrong?? He has done wrong, he is very remorseful and even the teacher said he didn't stop apologising all day, but surely some blame should be taken off his shoulders? Yesterday they were angling all of the blame on ds and wanting to make referrals for anger management and counselling, blaming his reaction on the fact he's been upset as his grampy, my dad, died of covid in February. This has been going on since way before my dad passed and I actually resent them making attempts to blame that, rather than admitting they fucked up and misread the message I was trying to convey. But that's just me projecting I guess 😕

I was bullied in school, horribly.
Until one day I hit the main bully and it never happened again.
Hopefully she’ll keep her gob shut from now on.

OP, my opinion is very different to most peoples. I have no sympathy for the girl and I’d have told school to fuck off too. I won’t raise my children to be bullies but I’m not going to raise victims either.

@Summersnake

You should of moved him schools when he had all the problems in year 3. Clearly the school is crap with dealing with these issues Now where ever you move him to ,he’s labelled as a naughty boy with anger issues . As parent you need to know when to give up and move on ..you are not going to get the desired result you want from this school. She’s in year 6 ,so she leaves the school next September Can he cope till then I’d say no he cant ,he will turn in to the child they are making him out to be ,because you have not moved him out of a shit situation. We can all only take so much And your son reached his limit in year 3 I fail to understand why you left him in such a situation

One good thing about her being in the year above is you Wikl know which high school entrance to avoid.

@Carboncheque

Also, I would be really proud of your DS for staying calm for as long as he has. Words can hurt as much if not more than physical blows and the school left him with no protection from this child. He even tried to tell an adult as requested. He has been pushed and pushed until he snapped.

Yes he is a son to be proud of.

Just out of interest… your son said there was no teacher in the room - just a TA . Is this actually allowed? I thought a qualified teacher or HLTA had to be present at all times - exactly for these types of incidents. Apologies if I’m wrong.

I can only think, what sort of adult is that bully child going to grow up to be? (Probably a Tory MP!) I hope you can resolve this soon.

I think that this will all blow over, as it stands you simply refuse any suggestions of behaviour management and simply wait it out.
Tell your ds that he was very mature for following your instruction and that his retaliation came because he was pushed beyond breaking point - it isn’t ideal but it is understandable.

If it doesn’t blow over then meet with the headteacher explain very clearly as you have in this post and ask for their anti bullying policy and then ask for a meeting with the head of the governors, at this meeting with the head make a bullet point list of what you are discussing (the minutes) then at the end ask the head to sign and date it alongside you, everything that happens from now on you record and get signed as evidence when you speak to the governors.

Honestly I think your ds was pushed to his limit with this girl. Doesn’t matter if it was a girl or boy picking on him it should of been sorted long before now the school is at fault here. I’d tell them you plan on taking this further now contact the local education department tell them everything put a complaint in. Every child has a right to feel safe in school and if this child is behaving like she is then it needs to be addressed and a plan of action set out to stop her doing this to other children. Your son reached breaking point and it’s sad it reached that point but honestly fair play to him sticking up for himself

So if the other child has issues towards other children which has been noted what the fuck are the school doing about it!!! Why are they allowing this behaviour to continue unabated?

I so feel for you. How can teachers get away with not responding to parental emails??! In my son’s school not replying to emails seems to be a trend. They don’t even read them as when they are coerced into actually meeting you it’s obvious they haven’t read them… I agree your son should not be punished for the school’s inadequacy. Put a complaint in writing with all the dates of emails sent. Also if possible speak the girl’s parents. They might not co-operate but sometimes that’s the only way if the school are hopeless. Sending you loads of hugs… My anxiety goes through the roof once school starts again. Can’t wait until we leave primary school behind..::

No way should you let your son shoulder any more of this blame. He’s 10 years old and being made by the crappy broken school system to be remorseful and held accountable for snapping after relentless bullying. He’s apologised, that’s more than enough and now it’s time the school focused on this bullies behaviour. All focus now must shift from adults telling him he was wrong to actually admitting that much more should have been fine earlier, he’s been asking for help and hasn’t had the help he deserves. If anyone needs to apologise it’s the adults to him who should have properly addressed what’s been happening for far too long. This is like systematic mental abuse.
Either take him out of the school or do absolutely everything in your power to get the teachers to take proper action. Lots of advice above on how to go about this, I wouldn’t mess around now, go straight to the top, everything backed up on record and follow up, follow up and follow up. Do not let this go.
I absolutely hate to think of your poor lad being put in a situation that any 10 year old would snap in and being made to feel bad for not accepting it. He has made it clear what’s been happening and now being punished because the adults can’t do their jobs.

@Blahblahnobodylistens

I do get that *@Hen2018* but, in my mind, it almost feels that that would punish my ds. He hasn't done anything wrong (well, apart from yesterday) yet he's the one that has to move? How is that fair?

Tbh I'm not even sure he did anything wrong yesterday.

My ds was bullied like this for years and the school were actually trying to deal with it. They acknowledged they were opportunists when teachers weren't around and tried to use ds autism and lack of ability to communicate to their advantage.

One day my ds lost his shit. Of the record the senco said he was round of ds!

Ds didn't get into trouble. This pissed off the bullies. They were told that they can't constantly assault ds and expect to get away with it and expect ds to get into trouble for a one off reaction.

This actually put pay to most of it. No bully wants to be known as the kid who got beaten up by the school geek

@Hortuslover

I’m angry on your behalf. Agree with pp don’t accept grief counselling from the school, use a private charity, is there one called Winstons wish?

Why would you accept any intimate service from an agency that doesn't even know how to safeguard. They are incompetent and a referral from an incompetent may lead to more incompetence. Not only strategically a bad move, but generally sounds like a menu you should not be choosing more dishes from.

The teacher had left the room

OP

This is what you hit them with.
Safeguarding Fail.
You never leave a classroom of pupils unattended. Ever.
Not even for a couple of minutes.
It just shouldn't happen.
Whoever was in charge should have asked someone else to cover.

How can teachers get away with not responding to parental emails??!

Increasingly, you will find that they seem to prefer a different method of communication. Colour me cynical, but I suspect other methods of communication do not leave such an easy paper trail.

Not read all the replies but firstly, I'm sorry this is happening to your child.
Agree with advice above regarding antibullying policy (legally it should be on their website) and letter to the chair of governors - I'm a governor and this is exactly the kind of thing we want and have to support; it is our job to hold the school fo account for their actions and decision-making. Once all of that is done, if you're still not getting anywhere Ofsted. Your child should be safe from harm at school, if he is not, they are failing at a basic level.

I'd also play devil's advocate and ask the Head if this is a diversity issue; would the situation would be different if the perpetrator was the same gender as your child?

To all those saying move schools , I understand where you are coming from but then this pupil will bully another pupil . Don’t parents also owe a duty of care to other children as well and make sure the bully does not win?

I think there are some excellent strategies on here and someone has to let the school know they cannot hide behind grief counselling and anger management when they have failed in their duty to listen to a pupils concerns for months .

Then if all else fails then move , but I would make damn sure it’s in writing and on their records .

@Sportsnight

It sounds horrendous, and your son needs support from the school, and they need to take this bullying behaviour from the other pupil very seriously and deal with it. But, unfortunately it does sound like your son’s temper is also a problem, and you will need to deal with that too. Violence in response to goading is not an appropriate response, and he needs to learn to walk away from provocation. He/ she pushed me to it will not be a defence if he carries that behaviour into adulthood. If the school aren’t supporting him at all in this, both with preventing the bullying and handling his reactiveness, moving might be your only option.

Nonsense! He’s a child and a human being; can’t possibly expect him to put up with the emotional pressure of dealing with what appears to be a very promising apprentice torturer FOR YEARS. My ds had a similar problem with a difficult child. My son ended up with a concussion after being pushed during line up and I only found out 6 hours later when he told the after school club he had a sore head. You can bet I pulled out all of the stops then! After a year of being fobbed off by the school, what worked in the end? Threatening to go to the newspaper. Only then did they do something about it.

I would ask for a data disclosure so they have to provide you with every document they have on your son. It'll include all emails sent etc. Then you can see if there's been any other issues or concerns raised.

Hopefully there won't be and you can ask why they are saying he needs counselling

Teacher here, albeit secondary.

I would go down the line that they are not keeping your child safe.
You tried to speak the the teacher at the start of term to make her aware of situation and put safeguards in place, and were ignored.
Teacher leaving the class alone long enough for all of those things to happen is a big no.

We had a similar problem a few years ago where a child was bullying my dd, aided and abetted by her parents, who were jealous of my daughter's ability to attract friends, compared with their dd who is a bit awkward. Despite flagging what happened with the teachers, we were made out to be the problem family, as we were new to the town and it is a very closed community. In the end, I launched a formal complaint and asked for a meeting with the head of govenors. This was the only thing which propelled the school into action. The mother of the other child is very manipulative and spent inordinate amounts of her time self promoting among the other mothers and bad mouthing my child, so a formal complaint was the only option. Fast forward three years and my dd is popular, happy and gets invited to all of the parties, whereas the other child and her family have a bit of a bad reputation. Chickens always come home to roost in the end. Hope you get sorted.

The school are rubbish so go straight to this little cow’s mum and flip cos I would not be letting this carry on, she’s bullying people and getting away with it.

Definitely don’t move your child. Why should you?
Document everything. Don’t just speak to a teacher, hand in a letter at the same time stating your concerns and follow up with a review of the conversation.
State what the school’s inadequacies are doing to your son: impacting on his learning, damaging his confidence and so on.
State to the school that you will involve the local authority ( I know it’s more complicated now that some schools are trusts etc..) and you may well involve your solicitor to remind the school of their duties in child protection. ( your son is not being protected in my opinion)
Would it help your son to learn a few phrases to say loudly when this child starts up? Just a couple “ you are a bully.Stop bullying me now” in a loud voice for anyone and everyone to hear is one. It’s best to repeat the sentence until the kid backs down.
I hope you can resolve the situation. Having been a teacher I know just how crap some head teachers are. I’ve known some I wouldn’t have put in charge of a single Tom cat, never mind kids.

Also, forgot to say to drop into the conversation with the head something relating to ofsted. Experience has taugjt me that they absolutely sh*t themselves if they think there is any chance of you taki g it that far.

@BlokeHereInPeace

Ex school governor here. What a terrible school. Just to back up previous posters.

1. Spend the weekend doing a timeline, as accurately as possible. Brief and concise summary of what happened. If you don't know the day but know the week, put that.
2. Keep this as a live document.
3. Email the Head of the school or the Executive Head or whoever is in charge AND the Chair of Governors. Look on the school website for the Behaviour Policy (this is a legal requirement). Say in the email that there has been consistent bullying of your child and that you require a written statement on how this will be dealt with. Put the timeline as an attachment. Long emails don't get read. You may want to remind them that Governing bodies of maintained schools have a duty under section 175 of the Education Act 2002 requiring them to make arrangements to ensure that their functions are carried out with a view to safeguarding and promoting the welfare of children. The proprietors of Academies have a similar duty under paragraph 7 of Schedule 1 to the Education (Independent School Standards) (England) Regulations 2010. They must ensure that arrangements are made to safeguard and promote the welfare of pupils. Not doing this is against the law.
4. You need to also look at the school's Complaints Policy, which should be on the website. If it isn't, ask for it. Go through the procedure to complain about the school's response. You will have to follow the times specified in that policy, which will state how long the school has to respond and what options you have if they don't or you are unhappy with the response. Also ask for the bullying policy.
5. If you get nowhere then go to www.gov.uk/complain-about-school though you have to go through the school procedure first.
6. I would also let he elected representative for the relevant local authority know. Again, be concise in the email. They get sent lots of stuff. They cannot do anything until the school has had a chance to deal directly. This will probably be the County as it sounds like you are in a rural area. If you don't know your councillor then www.writetothem.com/ will show you who your councillors are.
7. DON'T waste your time talking to TAs or teachers. This is not their job to sort.
8. DON'T go after parents or other children.
9. DON'T rely on phone calls, chats in the playground.

Good luck with this and I hope it works out.

This is good advice.

OP, it’s time to stop the discussions, which are no record of anything and can be ignored, and time to start doing things in writing.

Writing to not only the school, but taking it outside of the school by copying it to the chair of governors, and again outside of the school system altogether to a member of parliament or councillor for transparency.

Also, I think accepting school organised grief counselling would be a massive mistake. Your son currently has privacy at school. Any therapy should be organised by your doctor and the school should have zero access to the records or even knowledge it’s occurring, it’s none of the school’s business.

I hope you follow the quoted advice and your son gets to go to school without being bullied. If not, moving schools would be for the best. 🌸

Ooh and don’t consider moving his school, he did nothing wrong and 3 years later he’s just kicked back?! That isn’t an anger problem, that’s him being frustrated that no one’s helping and she’s being consistently allowed to bully. I know people say that violence isn’t the answer but 3 years of it I’m not surprised that he’s finally stuck up for himself I would have taken him out for a treat if it was me.