When does the OW stop being the OW?

[Worldwide2]

Hello all

Due to a couple of other threads regarding affairs with married men and men creating second family's with the 'ow'. It has got me thinking when does everything get forgotten and forgiven? As in when does the OW stop being referred to as the OW and is accepted as exes wife/girlfriend. Is it normal to get over such betrayal and move on without feeling bitter or is hard to not harbour a feeling of resentment for a long time towards them?
When you hear someone being referred to as the OW after a number of years you kind of thing ok let go now it's time to move on but is it so simple actually?
I'm not condoning affairs at all but I do know of people who were desperately unhappy with their then spouse had affairs and are now very happy with the other person. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy or not when it comes off the back of someone else's happiness? I'd like to hear other peoples thoughts on this without it turning into a bun fight of course.

Also this isn't just affairs between married men and women it goes for married women too.

@CornishGem1975

•However, meeting that new person who does make your heart skip is what what should prompt you to end the relationship - leaving you free to either pursue a new relationship with that person, or someone else.•

@fashionSOS I agree but is that really any less painful? Strictly speaking, there's no actual cheating but fuck me, it wouldn't be particularly nice being divorced purely because someone else caught your eye. That would probably make me feel even more like I didn't matter.

Yes, because although the relationship broke down, the other person respected you enough to admit it. It leaves you with enough dignity to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt, just that the recovery time is much, much quicker.

@Namechangeapologies

Stonecold

"He continued to see them almost 50/50 after the split"

That must have been difficult if the two of you had moved to the other end of the country.

We stayed within 20 minutes of the children until last year, when contact had already reduced by mutual agreement (children are late teens so a change of contact pattern made sense and was led by them). 50/50 (it was actually more like 55/45) was perfectly workable when we were 20 minutes away. We would never have dreamed of moving away until the children involved reduced contact of their own volition.

As for your other comment, I'm not sure what you expect me to say. I'm telling the truth - the eldest child was very open about the fact that she knew her parents weren't happy together before the split, and that she could see they were both much happier apart. I understand that she could have been saying what she thought we wanted to hear, but she brought it up spontaneously without prompting, so I took it on face value.

@Worldwide2

So even 10 years down the line you think the resentment will always be there?

Oh, yes. One of my dearest friends has been faced with this situation for years now. Friend is nothing but class. She never bad mouths either the ex or the OW. Her friends, however, carry a tremendous grudge on her behalf! [WINK]

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the end of a relationship will always be hard. However, there's no need for it to be traumatic - would-be cheaters would do well to remember that. If you cared enough about someone at one point, there's a kinder way to end things. Don't have an affair - physical or emotional - just get out first. Ending things cleanly won't have much of an impact on your life, but it will ensure the person you're leaving manages to get over things within a normal period of time, and isn't left in pieces.

@fashionSOS I do agree with you, affairs are a horrific way to end a relationship.

My point was more in response to a few PPs who have said that if a person meets someone who makes them feel happy/alive/excited/all that jazz etc etc again whilst still in an unhappy relationship they need to end their relationship before moving forward with the other person and that should cause less bad feeling.

In theory it should, but actually even the 'other' person's presence will already likely be construed as an affair/betrayal, even if nothing has actually happened at all. Especially if the person quite quickly starts seeing them. Everyone just assumed they were cheating behind the ex's back, not least the ex themselves.

My dad left my mum for another woman. Best and kindest thing he ever did for her and she got her life back. She unfortunately would never have left him. I liked all Dad's girlfriends though the first one was a bit odd tbf.

I get that every situation is different but sometimes staying married to someone is actively cruel.

My ex's OW is his gf to me but my kids call her OW amongst other names. I know that she technically is the OW but it's the (painful) past to me. She rarely crops up in conversation tbh (once a year if that) The kids aren't angry for me, it's because of his behaviour during the affair and afterwards. Unfortunately affairs often include lying and gaslighting and the oldest experienced that.

Ex calls his father's OW the OW and that happened 30+ years ago. His parents are two people who aren't compatible imo but in a strange coincidence, his dad gaslighted him during the affair which probably fuels his anger too.

@Meceme

The OW never stops being the OW and the partner never stops being judged for the affair. If you are unhappy in a relationship you end that relationship before starting a new one. The sneaking around, lying and lack of concern for the feelings of the other people unwittingly involved is dishonest and selfish.

I don’t think that’s true. I left my husband for someone I was having an affair with. I don’t think I’d realised how unhappy I’d become as I was sleepwalking through my life. It was shocking and upsetting at the time but my ex is married again with two children - we have been to stay with them abroad and everyone accepts the situation. The party line on Mumsnet seems to allow for no nuance or grey areas and life isn’t like that. He also left his wife but as they had no children they don’t have contact. You only get one life and I find all the knee jerk stuff on here tedious. Some people chose to distance themselves but no great loss.

You sound like a peach @Musmerian

I’m glad you are able to be so dismissive of the hurt behaviour like yours causes other people.

You’re one of that rare breed of self centred arseholes who can do something as horrific as cheating on your spouse and yet still tell the story as if it’s something that just happened to poor you and everyone else should just get over it. I simply can’t imagine why anyone would choose to distance themselves from you

My exh had an affair and left for the OW 5 years ago. Not going to lie, it was incredibly painful at the time but the complete irony is now he’s the bitter one. I’m single but happy with my life 😊.
He totally believes the new narrative he’s written in his head and they both plaster rubbish all over Facebook looking for sympathy. Constantly (even after all this time) writes emails to our now adult children about how evil I am. I am and have always been very neutral about the pair of them. The kids have nothing to do with him, which makes me sad for them but it’s entirely his own fault !! Moved 150 miles away and gave up his job so he didn’t have to pay us maintenance - a walking cliche tbh.
I tried for 4 years to get him to have a relationship with my two and be civil but I just got abuse back. If it hadn’t hurt them so much it would be funny. It’s not worth being bitter and actually she did me a favour. I have no idea what she’s like as the kids have never met her but he has turned into a gigantic arse so good luck to the pair of them.
I don’t really think about her often, not worth the headspace, and whilst I understand why people hold on to the anger and dislike I do think it’s damaging. It still gives them power over your life and I choose to be FREE….

Being unhappy in a relationship isn’t an excuse for cheating, If unhappy then end it and have an adjustment period for everyone involved before moving on. thing is, when a man leaves a relationship it is always said that he has found someone else, even if he hasn’t. Even to the point I saw a post recently where it was suggested that any new relationship up to a year post split was definitely the OW.

Cheating absolutely shouldn’t be the answer, but we need to get to a point where it is considered acceptable to leave an unhappy marriage, which currently it isn’t.

If a woman posts here that her husband says he’s unhappy he is called all sorts. Never is it said that he has the right to leave if he’s unhappy, he’s still a bastard. That’s no less the case even if there isn’t an OW in the equation.

@Musmerian ‘everyone accepts the situation’. I dunno- because they have to. If you got hit/injured by a drunk driver you’d eventually have to accept it. It’s not really necessary though, is it.

Only on Mumsnet does the OW exist imo. In the real world once the initial marriage has broken up and the second relationship is on a firm footing she's the girlfriend/wife /partner and the ex is the ex. If the marriage limps along maybe then but not once it's over. Any ones who continues or persists in the OW is a bit deluded tbh.

@Whinginadeville

Only on Mumsnet does the OW exist imo. In the real world once the initial marriage has broken up and the second relationship is on a firm footing she's the girlfriend/wife /partner and the ex is the ex. If the marriage limps along maybe then but not once it's over. Any ones who continues or persists in the OW is a bit deluded tbh.

I came here to say this. Once your relationship is over you're the ex and she's the partner.

@HeartsAndClubs

Being unhappy in a relationship isn’t an excuse for cheating, If unhappy then end it and have an adjustment period for everyone involved before moving on. thing is, when a man leaves a relationship it is always said that he has found someone else, even if he hasn’t. Even to the point I saw a post recently where it was suggested that any new relationship up to a year post split was definitely the OW.

Cheating absolutely shouldn’t be the answer, but we need to get to a point where it is considered acceptable to leave an unhappy marriage, which currently it isn’t.

If a woman posts here that her husband says he’s unhappy he is called all sorts. Never is it said that he has the right to leave if he’s unhappy, he’s still a bastard. That’s no less the case even if there isn’t an OW in the equation.

Yes this is just the point I was trying to make tbh. I definitely think lots of people assume there was someone else if someone starts dating within a year. Lots of exes included, who then are happy for others to think it is the case.

we need to get to a point where it is considered acceptable to leave an unhappy marriage, which currently it isn’t.

Also, to be quite honest, for many it can seem logistically almost impossible, especially when children are involved. Affording 2 separate homes when one person might be part-time/SAHP, the concept of not seeing your children every day. I'm sure many more would split from pure unhappiness rather than waiting until something forces their hand if these weren't factors.

@Worldwide2

So even 10 years down the line you think the resentment will always be there?

resentment from whom? From the family he walked out on for the OW - yes of course. What difference would 10 years make?

If you are not happy in a relationship you leave.

THEN you look for another partner

Once your relationship is over you're the ex and she's the partner.

What do you count as 'when the relationship is over'?

When you realise you no longer want to be in the original relationship, have the guts to admit it and split up or ... when you spot someone more interesting who is prepared to start an affair?

Big difference. Hugh.

According to his ex-wife I am still the OW even though I was not the OW ever.
I did not break their marriage up
I was the reason his life became better and happy
I am the person he loves
I am the person who he comes home to - willingly

But according to her and others probably - I am the OW

@5thnonblonde

That sounds incredibly tough 😔 its definitely given me a new perspective on how hard it must be to pick up the pieces with children around. I never really thought about how much a woman is still tied whilst the man can flitter off.

"If you cared enough about someone at one point, there's a kinder way to end things. Don't have an affair - physical or emotional - just get out first. Ending things cleanly won't have much of an impact on your life"

Trouble is, if the original marriage had children, it is not, unfortunately as simple as the "unhappy spouse" saying "This isn't working" and moving out to a batchelor pad. Or at least I would say the only way this would be correct morally is (1) If there genuinely is no one else (2) The spouse leaving has honestly and openly tried to make the marriage work without success before leaving (3) The spouse leaving genuinely continues to play a 50-50 role in the childrens upbringing.

If you have integrity, you tell your partner, the person you once loved, that you are unhappy and you finish that relationship before you begin another. This allows both partners to move on with honesty and respect for each other even if it hurts hugely. Consideration for your partner is the mark of an honourable person.

It also means any subsequent relationship is not built on lies and betrayal.

My friends husband left for the ow. I’ve never even met her and only met him a couple of times.

She’s the ow and always will be along with other names used for the pair of them.

@Anordinarymum

According to his ex-wife I am still the OW even though I was not the OW ever. I did not break their marriage up I was the reason his life became better and happy I am the person he loves I am the person who he comes home to - willingly

But according to her and others probably - I am the OW

Depends if your relationship started before his marriage ended or after.

I do think it's easier to make peace with if there are no children involved... a clean break can be made and each party can get on with their lives. Unfortunately, that's not the case if there are kids as (usually) co parenting has to continue in some form forcing contact and the inevitable differences if opinion keep wounds open...

realistically, it will vary depending on the people involved.. but really, i think it ought to stop when the 'cheated on' wife starts a new relationship and moves on.

I was my ExH's second wife, his first wife left him for another man, and even now, 20 odd years on, he is STILL resentful, and the whole experience coloured our marriage and was partly why we seperated in the end.. i got sick of him trying to control me because of the damage her infidelity did.

I think if there are children then the OW may stick for a long time because more people have been hurt. If there isn't I think people move on quicker and she will just become his new Girlfriend or Wife to his Friends & Family which is basically all they will care about.

I don't agree with affairs at all but this is what I've seen happen.