When does the OW stop being the OW?

[Worldwide2]

Hello all

Due to a couple of other threads regarding affairs with married men and men creating second family's with the 'ow'. It has got me thinking when does everything get forgotten and forgiven? As in when does the OW stop being referred to as the OW and is accepted as exes wife/girlfriend. Is it normal to get over such betrayal and move on without feeling bitter or is hard to not harbour a feeling of resentment for a long time towards them?
When you hear someone being referred to as the OW after a number of years you kind of thing ok let go now it's time to move on but is it so simple actually?
I'm not condoning affairs at all but I do know of people who were desperately unhappy with their then spouse had affairs and are now very happy with the other person. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy or not when it comes off the back of someone else's happiness? I'd like to hear other peoples thoughts on this without it turning into a bun fight of course.

Also this isn't just affairs between married men and women it goes for married women too.

[ravenmum]

Well, I guess we do call people names privately for cathartic effect, even if the other person isn't going to hear us. But for that purpose, "other woman" seems a bit weak. I can think of much more satisfying words!

[Worldwide2]

They were saying after 5 years the op should refer to her as her exes partner/gf

[Worldwide2]

@ravenmum I don't know anyone who has referred it to the persons face.
There was a thread on here very recently and basically the op was referring to her ex gf of 5 years I think as ow. Quite a big debate on it. Hence why I chose to create this thread to discuss it really.

[ravenmum]

I have to say I have never given any thought to using the term "OW" at all either - as I say, I'd just use it here or in conversation to describe a mistress, if that's the context. The lady in question isn't going to see or hear me using the term.
Do other people actually use it in earshot of the OW? Is that what you've heard people do?

[Worldwide2]

@cornishGem1975

I think people like to bandy around 'OW' like it's going to hurt the other person. The reality is, they probably don't give it much thought to it at all

Yes your probably right

[lottiegarbanzo]

It is precisely because people's psychologies, emotions and experiences are so complex, or feel so confusing and overwhelming at the time anyway, that the most basic social rules / moral codes / standards, whichever you choose to call them, are so simple.

'Adultery is wrong' is easy to remember. We all know it.

Recognising that what you're about to do would amount to adultery offers people a pause for thought and a chance to make a choice.

Very few people honestly believe that they are the exception. That single case in thousands of years of human history for whom adultery will have no negative personal or social consequences. They just decide they don't care.

People make a choice. Other people recognise when a choice to cheat has been made. People don't often or easily forget such fundamental social transgressions.

[CornishGem1975]

If you've had an affair, or been the other woman and then had a relationship in the light of day, to be quite honest, I doubt your skin is that thin that you would give two shits if someone referred to you as the OW 20 years down the line.

I think people like to bandy around 'OW' like it's going to hurt the other person. The reality is, they probably don't give it much thought to it at all.

[mynameismaybe]

My grandfather cheated on my grandmother and married the OW day after divorce came through. They had a happy marriage for 40+ years. She was aways the OW and he was always the cheater. It was widely spoken about within the family and they were never well liked. You reap what you sow I'm afraid.

[Worldwide2]

I don't think every person has a collection of personality traits which they demonstrate consistently throughout their lives and would never stray from. I think everyone has the capacity to shock if the right circumstances come along, not just in terms of cheating on a partner, but anything really.

I agree completely with this @littlemyssister

[Worldwide2]

And I am getting fed up with the phrase 'boxes' which I know I started 🤣 anyone got any other terms pls lol

[Worldwide2]

@ravenmum I said 'some' people like to put people into a box or label them x, y, z I don't think there are just two types of people.
I think if you go back and read my posts iv said numerous times I think there are lots of different types of people who cheat. I don't think for one second you can put any group of people into one box. I was saying 'some' people do just that. You know once a cheat always a cheat ect

[ravenmum]

In any case I don't think it works logically to create two boxes, one of which contains "people who put others into boxes" and the other of which contains "people like me who are open-minded" - that seems like the kind of internal logical flaw that would have its own name

[lottiegarbanzo]

I think you're talking about me with your 'boxes', whereas I'm talking about people having complex psychologies and varied moralities, different elements of which are expressed at different times in people's lives, depending on context and opportunity.

The choice to cheat, rather than not cheat (always a choice, never an accident), gives you a glimpse into an aspect of who someone is that you might not otherwise have gained and that might never express itself in the same way again.

How people respond to opportunity, to the unexpected, often gives you, and themselves, a much better idea of who they really are than the carefully curated image we all choose to present to the world and to ourselves.

I think people are very complex and that undertaking intentional change to ones own personality and ways of responding to things is really, really hard. Therefore I find talk of boxes and of people fundamentally changing by simple choice, or change of circumstance, too simplistic to mean anything, really.

[LittleMysSister]

@lottiegarbanzo

The thing is I don't disagree with what you've just written about how affairs develop or who conducts them *@LittleMysSister*

I don't think 'once a cheat always a cheat' in the sense that someone who has cheated once will inevitably cheat again. I do think the capacity to cheat is one manifestation of consistent personality traits and morals, that might also express themselves in other ways.

That's all very clear in what I've posted on this thread.

It's odd then that you appear to be disagreeing with me - by quoting someone else's misrepresentation of my views - when you aren't.

I was just agreeing with what Worldwide said in her post, rather than implying anything about your previous ones.

However, I do still disagree with what you've said here.

I don't think every person has a collection of personality traits which they demonstrate consistently throughout their lives and would never stray from. I think everyone has the capacity to shock if the right circumstances come along, not just in terms of cheating on a partner, but anything really.

[Worldwide2]

To go back to the title of my post. I always thought people especially the ex referring to the OW as the OW so many years on must not be over it. But I can see from lots of posts on here it's not that deep and just how that person will always be remembered/referred to.

[TwinsandTrifle]

Its nice to be open minded but its also OK to have standards. I dont think I could completely trust someone who had stolen money from someone else's bank account using their debit card, even if they were desperate for money at the time.

I think that's a good point. I don't think chanting out "once a cheater, always a cheater....marry the mistress, create a vacancy" does anything other than make someone look consumed with bitterness, because it's frequently not true. Whereas something like "it's impossible to trust they will never cheat, as they have shown themselves to indisputably have the capacity" is true, without the projection that they are now going to cheat on every future partner.

I think again, it's like those who try to absolve themselves in the bigger picture of why the marriage had failed and would have ended anyway, but because an affair happens, they get to play the victim. The idea that "well if they'll cheat on perfect, faultless me then they'll cheat on anyone"

Again, not excusing affairs. Just the lack of accountability for some to endlessly chastise a partner (that left for someone else) with zero acknowledgement that for the ten years leading up to it, they contributed equally to the real reason the relationship was failing. But they're golden, because it was the affair that officially ended it.

I don't think you ever can fully trust a cheater again. Once they've shown they can, you can't unsee that. Even if they never do it again, I think having the constant "I wonder..." would be incredibly hard to live with.

[Worldwide2]

I think that was a bit jumbled sorry

[Worldwide2]

Yes I'm just talking about people in general. It got onto why people cheat and can people change ect some people think no they can't or there was something always 'wrong' with them in the first place.
I think some people will always be cheating arseholes and some have just made a mistake in life. It's all different in my opinion.

[ravenmum]

These boxes are confusing.

[ravenmum]

OK I see, I thought you meant that cheatees were putting cheats in a box by labelling them the OW, because that's what they like to do in life. But you mean that people who think cheating is bad do so because they generally like to put people in boxes?

[Worldwide2]

I also haven't got rigid views about people who have been cheated on. Please read my posts.

[MrsKoala]

I’ve only ever heard people be referred to as OW/OM on MN. I know loads of people who’ve left someone for someone else (exit affairs rather than serial cheaters).

My Dad left his first wife for my Mum and my half sister who was 2 at the time (55 now) gives her Mother’s Day cards and her Mum and my Mum get on well - she came to my wedding etc.

My H was the OM when I left my exH and no one called him that either. My best friend was seeing my exH and they are still together- I never thought of her as the OW.

It’s all fairly common in my circles. I think once people are happy and have moved on it matters less. I don’t know anyone who judges people as black and white as this irl.

[Worldwide2]

Some people who have posted on this very thread believe cheating people don't change and its apart of their make up. They have forever put those people into one box. I was referring to that.

[Worldwide2]

I wasn't referring to people who have been cheated on. Anyone can have that opinion without being involved in a cheating relationship

[Worldwide2]

My posts were to bring up a debate on people referring to ow as ow. I don't have any rigid views on that or on the person who has been cheated on?